Name: Curly Tops

Origin: Philippines

Found at: Pinoy Mart, Tustin

Cost: $1.59

Ingredients:
Refined Cane Sugar, Milk Powder, Hydrogenated Palm And Palm Kernel Oil, Whey, Cocoa Powder, Soy Lecithin, Vanillin and Cinnamon Powder, Iodized Salt.

Why I Bought It:
Apart from the name, which is, of course, cuter than a button, this is as straight forward a packaging as you'll ever see. On the box, there are pictures of the product, which uses primary colors and looks like it was illustrated in the late sixties or early seventies. "Milk Chocolate" it says in caps. On the lower right corner, it proclaims: "In Individual Cups". Very zen.

Tasting Notes:
It doesn't melt in your mouth like Western chocolate. Notice the absence of cocoa powder in the ingredients list. While you expect a Hershey bar to liquefy as it is heated by your tongue to body temperature, Curly Tops dissolves with your saliva.

If I only had one word to describe the texture, it would be "waxy".

I can think of a few hypothesis to why it's formulated this way. My best guess is this: In order for a chocolate product to be viable in the hot tropical climate of the Philippines, it cannot contain cocoa butter. Cocoa butter would melt into a goo on the shelf (especially if the store selling it does not have A/C).

So although it might not fit your definition of chocolate, it does for millions of Filipinos and Filipino expats who eat it even here in The States. Wouldn't you if it reminded you of home?

Name: Skwinkles Salsagheti

Origin: Mexico

Found at: Bodega "R" Ranch, Tustin

Cost: $2.99 for 12 count box

Ingredients:
Straws: Corn Syrup, Wheat Flour, Sugar, Dextrose, Sorbitol, Citric Acid, Partially Hidrogenated [sic] Vegetable Oil, Chili Powder, Glycerin, Iodized Salt, Wheat Fiber, Sodium Lactate, Lactic Acid, Sodium Citrate, Malic Acid, Artifical Flavor, Mono and Diglicerides, Lecitin Soy [sic], Sodium Benzoate and Potassium Sorbate (To Maintain Freshness), Colors FD&C (Red 40, Yellow 5, Yellow 6), Titanium Dioxide.

Sauce: Water, Sugar, Iodized Salt, Citric Acid, Chli Powder, Modified Corn Starch, Caramel Color, Xhantan [sic] Gom [sic], Carboxymetheylcellulose, Arabic Gom [sic], Sodium Benzoate and Potassium Sorbate (To Maintain Freshness), Ascorbic Acid, Artificial Flavor.

Why I Bought It:
I'm of the belief that anything that rhymes with "sprinkles" can't be all bad. And immediately you think of what other things it sounds like. Skittles! Twinkies!

On that note, "Skwinkles" appears to be a form of portmanteau. (Can you say "portmanteau" kids?) That's where two words are blended into one word, such as "Spam", "spork" and "brunch."

Though I'm unsure of what two words make up "Skwinkles" (hopefully not "Skunk" and "Twinkles") not only are portmanteaus fun, you can't say this one without smiling.

Say it with me: SKWINKLES!

But that's not the only portmanteau to ponder. No, that would be the "Salsagheti" part. Salsa? Spaghetti? Hope you're still smiling because this...is CANDY!

Tasting Notes:
There were two kinds: mango and watermelon. Both, I might add, are "Hot". That is, it's "Hot Mango" and "Hot Watermelon". Not the Paris Hilton definition either. The gummy candy strands -- packaged in trays like noodles -- are covered in chili powder, salt and sugar. It looked like a pasta dinner that's been dropped in the sand at the beach.

The flavor is sweet-and-sour, but mostly sour. The mango actually reminded me of Sour Punch Straws with a pleasant spicyness that followed. Of course, it plays on the popular Mexican street snack of mango dusted with chili powder.

Before you take this recommendation and buy yourself some Skwinkles, I must tell you that I grew up in SouthEast Asia eating mangoes marinated in chili and mangoes dipped in fermented shrimp paste. So to my palate, this combination is not a foreign one.

But while the "hot" mango was good, the "hot" watermelon was something else. It was the first time the two flavors shared real estate on my tongue, and I wanted to evict. It made me visibly wince. The combo inexplicably turned bitter on me like a bad chemical reaction.

If you think that's the end of the story, you'd be wrong. Included in each package was a packet of sauce!

Let me repeat: A PACKET OF SAUCE! A tamarind sauce to be drizzled over the top of the candy!!

Its name, after all, is Salsagheti. And since they took the spaghetti part literally, of course there had to be salsa.

I tore open the satchel, poured its contents onto the mound and took a soaked strand into my mouth. The liquid did not make things better, like trying to douse an inferno with gasoline shower. Now it was sour AND bitter; and plus, it made a mess since I had to eat the candy with my fingers.

The sauce by itself on eggs or tacos might be quite tasty, but putting it on candy -- especially this candy -- seemed muy loco.

The next morning, I took a Hot Watermelon Salsaghetti to the office for a few co-workers to sample. I didn't get many takers except for one, who devoured it and asked for more. I told him that I was saving the rest for the neighborhood trick-or-treaters.

Name: Every Burger

Origin: Japan

Found at: Freshia Market, Tustin

Cost: $1.99

Ingredients:
Wheat Flour, Sugar, Cacao Mass, Milk Powder, Palm Oil, Shortening, Margarine, Lactose, Cocoa Butter, Sesame Seed, Butter, Condensed Milk Powder, Egg, Corn Starch, Poppy Seed, Maltose, Wheat Meal, Glucose, Egg White, Salt, Calcinated Calcium, Leavening, Emulsifier (Soy), Artificial Flavor, Color (Annatto, Carotene).

Why I Bought It:
Well, look at it! Wouldn't you be curious what an Every Burger was? And since it was in the aisle where all the candies were, one can safely assume that it contains chocolate -- a fact confirmed by a quick glance at the ingredients list.

Another glance reveals not just one kind of powdered milk, but two. Plain old "Milk Powder" and "Condensed Milk Powder". I only point this out in case anyone is nervous about the China melamine-in-milk scandal and also, how there is such a thing as "condensed milk powder". That last part seems kind of redundant, somehow. In any case, any hesitation I had about the presence of powdered milk was mitigated somewhat by the fact that these are Japanese snacks, not Chinese.

Tasting Notes:
In a word: awesome. They actually look like burgers, but the size of your fingernail! They've got every detail captured, down to the sesame seed bun. The chocolate represents the beef patty. White chocolate, the cheese. And the "bun" is actually a cookie.

Apart from being hilarious and tasty, these buggers might also function well to teach tots that one junk food can look like another junk food, and that the Japanese are industrious and creative people with crazy ideas.

Name: Rotary Tapioca Crackers (a.k.a. Krupuk Aci)

Origin: Indonesia

Found at: 99 Ranch Market, Irvine

Cost: $2.29

Ingredients:
Tapioca Flour, Vegetable (Palm) Oil, Salt and Monosodium Glutamate

Why I Bought It:
Simple: I grew up with this stuff. And plus, it's one snack that left plenty of heads scratching at the 99 Ranch in Irvine.

I saw one man pick up a bag, examined it, and after determining that he couldn't reconcile whether it was food or some sort of scrubbing tool, put it back down. This occurred a few more times since 99 Ranch is a Chinese supermarket, not an Indonesian one.

Tasting Notes:
The density of it is as light as Styrofoam, but structurally, it's as rigid as a block of uncooked ramen.

It's puffy, slightly greasy and when you bite into it, it shatters with a head-rattling crunch. In your mouth, upon contact with saliva, it turns to frothy foam with an oily, sweet, salty and savory flavor.

Indonesians eat it as an accompaniment to their meals, like chips for a sandwich. But I consume it anytime I can.

Orange County's culturally diverse, but all cultures living here have at least one thing in common: snacks, junk food, stuff you can't really call cuisine or dinner.

So, in what I hope to be a long-running and fun series, we'll pick out one "Wacky Snack" from a local market per week; then do a marginally stupid, but always frivolous mini-review.

Please to enjoy, the inaugural post of "Wacky Snacks":

Name: Kuai Kuai Corn Snack

Origin: Taiwan

Found at: 99 Ranch Market, Irvine

Cost: $0.99

Ingredients:
Non-GMO Corn, Refined Oil (Lard), Peanut Butter, Dried Shrimp (Dried Acetes Shrimp), Soy Sauce, Sugar Seasoning (Ribotide, Monosodium Glutamate), Salt, Black Pepper, Calcium Carbonate, Vitamin A, D3, B1, B2, Antioxidant (Vitamin E)

Why I Bought It:
The impossibly happy cartoon character. Is he a pirate? A wizard? What is that hat?! Whatever it is, he's oozing confidence, pulling off a bow-tie better than Tucker Carlson or that creepy CGI Orville Redenbacher.

Tasting Notes:
A cartoon drawing of rust-colored powder next to what looks like salt shakers seems to suggest cayenne pepper, but the true flavor is "Salty". No, really. That's what it says on the back. It says, "Flavor: Salty".

And it does taste salty, and a vaguely shrimp-y, too, with a texture of foam packing peanuts and the shape of a tater tot. The aroma reminds me of the stuff I feed my goldfish.

But look! It's uses Non-GMO corn. And egads! It's fortified with vitamins and antioxidants! Who says you can't have your junk food and eat it too?