Paradise Perks, Irvine's Coolest Coffee Shop, Closes Because of Noise Complaints; A Eulogy and a Rant

Photo by Kristine Hoang
Bye :(

As of June 22, 2014, Paradise Perks, the best coffee shop in the City of Irvine has closed its doors. Why? Was business poor? Was foot traffic not enough? No. Paradise Perks closed for the most stereotypical Irvinian reason ever: Its Wednesday night open mics, which ran from 7 to 11 p.m., attracted too many noise complaints.

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10 Ways to Use Your Penis Cake Pan After the Bachelorette Party

Categories: Really?!?!?

Thank you, Penis Pans.

Now this is the kind of marketing I can get behind.

Every buy a penis cake pan for a bachelorette party (college guys use 'em too to troll each other) and not have any use for it afterwards?

Well, I (I being have a list just for you. Not one additional use or two additional uses, but a full 10 new uses for that penis pan.

Penis pan.

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Sunny Delight, Orange-Flavored Sugar Water, Is Now EXTREME

Categories: Really?!?!?

Sunny Delight

Come on, SunnyD. Why you gotta do this.

Sunny Delight has hopped on the "extreme" bandwagon that's been plaguing 90s food lately (Cracker Jack'd, Planters' Power of the Peanut, etc etc). They're currently testing a new line of carbonated "energy" drinks minus the taurine and caffeine.

Where's the energy coming from?

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A Defense of American School Lunches, Or: We've Got It Pretty Good Here

Photo by Ben+Sam
Delicious AND Patriotic

If there's anything that the Internet loves more than talking shit on America, it's following pointless trends and meme-blasting the hell out of them until they're just one more Bad Luck Brian, to be picked clean by 9Gag or Cheezburger.

So, Por que no los dos?

Case in point: International school lunches. Amateur punsters and anti-patriots are stumbling upon ornate bentos, highly varied and inventive lunch trays, and overall just pretty-looking things on plates claiming to be from some school someplace that's not here, and slapping innovative captions about America's supposedly atrocious sense of taste and climbing obesity rates.

Except, my fellow Americans, dig around in your brain pans for a moment -- were your lunches really all that bad?

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In Defense of Dark Meat Chicken, Or: Chicken Breast Kind of Sucks

Photo by johnsember

I still remember the day McDonald's switched to all-white meat chicken nuggets. It was horrible. Only a week before, I would hunt through my six-piece boxes, looking
for the slightly darker, better tasting chunks of chicken, but that day everything was the same shade of lighter beige-ish brown. Not even barbecue sauce made it better.

And the worst part? They celebrated it like it was something that they were proud of. "Hey guys," they basically said. "You know those pieces of chicken we grind up, bread, and then deep fry? Well, now they're just the slightest bit healthier."

Never mind they were making their food slightly worse.

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Proof That Even Japan Doesn't Understand the Ramen Burger

Categories: Really?!?!?

It's just kind of awe inspiring

I'll be the first to admit I don't understand the appeal of the ramen burger. I barely want to pick one up, much less eat one, so it's nice to know my bewilderment has some company.

Behold! Lotteria Japan's Taishoken Original Tsukemen Burger, proof that the country of Japan understands ramens burgers just as much as I do.

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Seriously, Hipster Chefs Really Need to Stop Calling Their Non-Pho Dishes "Pho"

Photo by Alpha
THIS is pho, god damn.

I normally refrain from publishing two rants back-to-back, but this next subject has got me so salty I can't wait.

People really need to stop calling their random-ass food creations "pho" whatever. Seriously. In the last few weeks, I've seen a pho sandwich and pho nachos, and I'm sure there's a "pho burrito" or "pho tacos" or "pho chow mein" or something else out there.

Why would you even call non-pho food pho something? You're not opening a Vietnamese restaurant; you're just confusing people.

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A Plea for the Art of Fast Food, Or: Why 'Bad' Food Is Good, Damn It

Photo by Don
A goddamn masterpiece

Down here in Weekly World, LP and I are desk neighbors, so that means that every time I decide to eat "badly" for lunch (my quotes, not hers), I get an earful; it's kind of endearing, really. A few (dozen) chicken nuggets? Yup. A McDonald's cheeseburger? Mmm-hmm. That one time I ate Hot Cheetos with chopsticks? Oh, yeah (though, in her defense, that might've been because I was eating them with chopsticks).

Don't get even me (her) started about my drinking of Red Bulls.

And with the rise of the organic/local/non-GMO/free-range/sustainably-farmed-and-fished dining movement, I'm sure lots of people like me are getting perfectly well-meaning semi-lectures from people like LP.

Well, this is for the me-types. Say it with me: It's perfectly okay to like "bad" food. You don't have to feel guilty. Bad food is perfectly, absolutely fine.

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In-n-Out in Placentia Bans E-Cigs

Categories: Really?!?!?

Thumbnail image for In-N-Out-game-of-burgers.jpeg
From our archives
Can hipsters put down the e-cigs when wanting these?
As the controversy over e-cigarettes continues to spread across the country, with cities proposing bans on shops and the feds mulling regulations, some businesses are taking matters into their own hands. See the picture above, taken at the In-n-Out in Placentia.

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"Raining Food" Video Goes Viral

Categories: Really?!?!?

Is this getting you hungry? Or the opposite?
Steve Kardynal the genius behind last year's hilarious "Miley Cyrus - Wrecking Ball (Chatroulette Version)" is at it again. This time his video is a simple one: it has him being showered with food in slo-mo. It's hypnotic (especially the cascade of sprinkles), silly, and kind of contemplative when you find out that the whole thing is being done for charity.

Steve and a fellow YouTuber are donating a portion of the profits from the videos to Action Against Hunger and are asking viewers to donate, too.

If you've ever wondered what that movie "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs" would look like in real life, wonder no more! The video has already garnered about 1.5 million hits since it was uploaded 2 days ago.

Watch the video after the jump.

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