The maxim is that 90 percent of restaurants close within five years, but I've noticed that the restaurants I review for my This Hole-in-the-Wall Life column buck that trend for the most part, hopefully because ustedes follow my recommendations and swarm the place. But that doesn't always happen, and it pains me to see good dives close due to a lack of business.

That happened to Greek Garden Grill in Orange, which wasn't the best Greek place in Orange County (that title is up for debate at the moment) but served good, cheap Greek grub. They shut down a couple of weeks ago, and a paper taped on the door blames the economy. Wherever will we get our souvlaki without having to trek to Tustin or the South Coast Plaza area?

And now, the most famous Greek in musical history:

walgreens.com

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Dave Lieberman

​Last week's Dueling Dishes article, about the "Throwback" sodas made with real sugar compared to those made with the now-standard high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS) garnered more comments than normal, including a reply from Audrae Erickson, the president of the Corn Refiners' Association, defending HFCS and pointing readers at their PR website.

While Stick A Fork In It is surprised to have received this sort of attention (news scraper, anyone?) it doesn't alter the fact that the website is just that, a PR tool. HFCS is still a worse choice for a sweetener than sugar, and here's why:
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​Dining out can be a lovely occasion, and the temptation to overspend is very great, because extravagance lends a sense of occasion to the meal. Restaurants do what they can to maximize the profits; they're businesses, after all. The reality for most of us, sadly, is that budgets are a way of life. Getting a nasty surprise on a little piece of paper at the end of a meal can ruin the occasion and generate ill will toward the restaurant. Restaurants would do well to remember that while raves about a restaurant are positive, rants against a restaurant stick far better in potential customers' minds.

Here are five restaurant "profit maximization" strategies we wish would shrivel up and die.
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The chica's parents bought me a Barnes & Noble gift card for Christmas, so this cheapskate finally splurged on Mark Kurlansky's The Food of a Younger Land, which collected excerpts from a long-forgotten WPA program that sought to capture America's regional food traditions. It's a great read, and it was an apropos read given the new-ish Habit Burger Grill in SanTana was just next door to the Barnes & Noble I haunt.

I tried it during the holidays, this Santa Barbara institution whose choosing of the county seat for its first naranja location has excited the Don Papi Pulido crowd in their endless, Norma Desmond-esque quest to return the city to a past that never quite existed. The Habit's standard charburger was just okay--I liked the thin mayo smear, so sweet and tart I initially thought it was sour cream because I usually can't stand mayo, and the patty glistened like obsidian with a blackened, juicy appearance. But the buns that the Habit's website claims are toasted had the consistency of moist bread, and its size (about as big as a Carl's Jr. cheeseburger) doesn't justify a three-buck price. Also, hearing Phil Collins cry "One More Night" over their sound systen isn't exactly the best hamburger music. I'm sure the original locations are better, but this isn't Whataburger or even White Castle. If The Habit is the best burger Santa Barbara can offer, even Arby's can rest easy 'round here.

The Habit, 2777 N. Main St., SanTana, (714) 550-1201. What is hamburger music, anyway?

wired.com

​I'm a geek by trade who loves food. You'd think the idea of lightsaber chopsticks would appeal to me on a visceral level. This is not so.

Why, you ask?

For ¥2900 (about $33), I expect my lightsaber chopsticks to actually, you know, light up. And it would be nice if they made the cool electronic swooping sound as I ate my sushi. Or if they cut the heads off the live sweet shrimp I'm eating so that my itamae can deep-fry them for me.

Alas, they're just pieces of colored plastic that have been marked up obscenely. Someday someone will make food-safe lightsaber chopsticks dignes du nom and that will be a red-letter day for geeks and otaku the world over.

UPDATE: They're only $12.99 here. And yet, somehow, they're still an incredibly bad value.

(Thanks to fellow geek and food lover @wedgex for the tipoff on the ripoff.)

Keith May

Protesting is fun!

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​The few times I bother with Dana Point, I pick up a copy of the Dana Point Times. It works--better than the Orange County Register's community rags, but it ain't no Fullerton Observer. But I haven't visited in months, so imagine my surprise when a reader forwarded me an early November copy of the paper. In it was an ad for a Mexican restaurant using the logo for my ¡Ask a Mexican! column.

Not the first time it's happened--I've seen unauthorized uses of the logo on phone cards, club promotions, beer billboards, and other restaurants. I guess the drawing by Mark Dancey is so damn spot-on in creating an Eternal Mexican that people assume it's been around forever, just like the illustration of Alfred E. Neuman existed in various ads before MAD took it for themselves. But those thieving businesses were mostly out of the state; did this Mexican restaurant (which I won't name but looks like the type of place a Javier's fan would enjoy) and the Dana Point Times really think they'd get away with using my column's logo and making money off of it without me eventually finding out and throwing barbs back at them? Especially considering it's a Mexican restaurant?

But it gets worse.
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dieselbug2007 @ flickr.com CC BY-NC 2.0

​Some weeks ago, there was a two-part list of service sins published (here and here) by Bruce Buschel in a blog for the New York Times. To call the list picky doesn't do it justice; don't play brass music? Seriously?

The post inspired a lot of snarky comments from servers and diners alike, and it seems like Mr. Buschel, who is opening a restaurant (presumably with these guidelines in place), is in for a sudden, painful jolt of reality.

Most diners aren't so persnickety; most of us don't think of servers as servants, we're not inspectors for the Guide Michelin about to assess whether the Cheesecake Factory is still deserving of that third star, and we just want to have a nice meal. That said, here are five common "sins" of service that are easily fixed, resulting in happy diners and servers with better tips.

1. Failure to Supply the Tools For the Job

Of course you aren't psychic, waitstaff of the world. We don't, honestly, expect you to be. When someone orders a steak, though, they need a steak knife; when someone orders iced tea, bring a long enough spoon that they're not dipping their fingers in the drink with a dessert spoon; when someone orders fries, it's a good bet they're going to want ketchup, at least in this country.

It's so frustrating to have a hot, appetizing steak dying on the plate because the server didn't bring a steak knife and has to be tracked down. Your hands might be full, but make bringing the rest of the service your highest priority so that your diners can start eating.

oldonliner @ flickr.com CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

What am I offered for this chicken piccata?

​2. Food Auctions

Everyone's had it happen. The meals come, the server (or the runner) calls out the dishes and waits for a diner to raise his or her hand. "Chicken piccata! Chicken piccata?" Nothing disrupts the meal (and impacts your tip) like graceless shouting from the service tray.

It's so easy to avoid, too. Pick one obvious spot on the table that is seat 1, and number the seats in order clockwise. Take the orders in whatever order you like, but put them on the ticket in numerical order. If you've got a runner delivering the food, they can find that spot and deliver the meal without sounding like an auctioneer. It's called the pivot system, and it's been printed on order pads since Teddy Roosevelt charged up a hill in Cuba.

If the diners switch seats after the orders are taken, that's the diners' problem, incidentally.
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Courtesy of PETA

Let's hope their signs are bigger tomorrow. Harbor has a 40 mph speed limit.

​If you're going to be driving in the area of Harbor and McFadden tomorrow, Wednesday, December 9, from noon to 1 p.m., be aware that there will be a person in a chicken suit protesting McDonald's chicken slaughter practices. There may be an adverse impact on traffic as people stampede into the restaurant, thinking there's a doorbuster special on McNuggets™.

Taken directly from a PETA press release:

McDonald's allows its U.S. chicken suppliers to use a slaughter method that often forces birds to endure broken bones and other abuses. Birds often have their throats cut while they are still conscious and are frequently scalded to death in tanks of hot water. PETA has privately urged McDonald's to require its suppliers to phase in a less cruel slaughter method called "controlled-atmosphere killing" (CAK), which would eliminate some of the worst abuses that birds suffer.

Evidently, McDonald's ignored PETA's request for an immediate implementation of an huge, untested change to their production processes and so the next step in applying pressure is a person in a chicken suit marching around with a sign saying "i'm hatin' it". The backpedaling by McDonald's is expected to be immediate and embarrassing. Really.
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