We Eat It So You Don't Have To: Oreo-Stuffed Chocolate Chip Cookies (And Others!)

Categories: Taste Test

oreo_cookie_lead.jpg
Photo by Ryan Cady
They're, uh, kind of small actually

There's not much new you can do with cookies, but God help the good people at Nabisco -- they're trying.

Less than a month ago, Nabisco felt the stirring desire for innovation -- a hunger, if you will. They set to task what I can only assume were a crack team of foodologists with their fingers on the pulse of American dietary trends. They came up with three things, a dynamic trio of dynamic duos, which, on paper, must've been at least half as impressive as the original draft for the Ten Commandments: The Brownie-filled Chips Ahoy!, the Birthday Cake Frosting-filled Chips Ahoy!, and last, but certainly not least, the Oreo Crème-filled Chips Ahoy! (That last one must've been a total "Duh!" moment for anyone on staff who'd ever even heard rumors of marijuana's effects on dietary habits.)

Now, I endeavored to try these culinary delights, but because I'm a good journalist, I did a little research beforehand -- more specifically, I perused the Wikipedia entry for Chips Ahoy!, which was surprisingly sparse. The cookies were introduced in 1963, named after (or just, coincidentally labeled) a sailor from an obscure Charles Dickens' short story. Even though the original recipe Chips Ahoy! have maintained the same bland, crumbly, disentigrate-in-your-milk-thereby-ruining-the-entire-point-of-chocolate-chip-cookies texture and flavor since Kennedy was running the country, they've gone through some serious changes. I mean, these guys have tried everything: Chewy Chips Ahoy!, Ice Cream flavored Chips Ahoy!, and even a few Reese's Peanut Butter Cup crossbreeds.. but this was different.

This time they put the stuff INSIDE the cookie.

So, last week, looking like a total weirdo, I went to Von's and bought the last box of Oreo-crème, the second-to-last box of Birthday Cake Frosting, and, because I had never seen it before and I figured I was going to go into diabetic shock either way, a box of the Gooey Brownie-filled Chips Ahoy! To manage the madness, I picked up a gallon of 2 percent milk, because whole is for weirdoes and 1 percent is for plebeians. Don't even get me started on skim.

I laid out the boxes, opened them up, and prepared for what would surely be a baked goods bacchanal for the ages. I went with the Brownie filled first, no milk - it was more chewy than gooey, and the cookies sort of dissolved around the chunk of brownie in the center. Weak stuff. Next, I reached for the Birthday Cake Frosting pack, and these are exactly what you'd expect: somebody took a syringe and injected the cookies with 20 CCs of low-grade vanilla frosting, with some wimpy sprinkles halfheartedly tossed in. The Birthday Cake aspects of the flavor -- which, I might add, has become an annoying trend (birthday cake ice cream, birthday cake m&ms, etc) -- were domineering at first, but quickly deviated into boring. Still a letdown.

But of course, the real reason I was here, the crown jewel of cookie chimeras, would not fail me: the Oreo-Crème filled. I took a cautious bite, a nibble, then a gobble. Then another cookie. There was barely enough crème in these things to make a dent, and the dry, powdery Chips Ahoy! soaked up any residual Oreo goodness that might've redeemed the snack.

Crestfallen, I gave all the cookies another try, this time really dunking them in the milk and letting 'em soak - barely an improvement. I tossed the packages in the backseat of my car, and forgot about them.

Until three days ago.



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13 comments
fishwithoutbicycle
fishwithoutbicycle topcommenter

This wasn't what I had in mind when he asked me if I wanted my cookie stuffed. (harumph)

JGlanton
JGlanton topcommenter

Ugh, that stuff looks and sounds gross. Indeed I'm thankful that you did it so I don't have to. The only thing missing from this report is a description of the bowel movement that inevitably follows after eating a package of artificially flavored palm kernel and soybean oil soaked sugar steeped in the fetid ass-leather vapors of your hot car.


Thankfully, I just finished a delicious cookie snack that mercifully helped erase the memory of this cloying faux frosting mush. Oval butter-rum dutch tea biscuits that I bought at the farmer's market, the smoothly curved surfaces imparting a light honey sweetness over the full circumference of the lips while the paper-thin edges crackle on the tongue before melting away; complimented by the bright, clean, lemon and black currant flavors of Kenya Kirimahiga coffee made from beans that I delicately hand roasted last night, leaving behind a sweet candied lemon peel flavor that the tip of the tongue can sample on the corners of the lips an hour later. I cannot wait until afternoon snack time for round two.

JGlanton
JGlanton topcommenter

@Carl_Sagan  I have been taught by the OCWeekly readers that you must find a more gender-neutral term to cast aspersions upon my masculinity.

fishwithoutbicycle
fishwithoutbicycle topcommenter

@JGlanton 

Glad I could be a positive influence. (har har)

Yes, only homophobes like Carl_Sagan use the word "fag" like that anymore. :-(

"Fag" rates up there with "pussy" as far as I'm concerned...they both boil down to the same essence: the man in question is acting feminine which is apparently the worst thing a man can do. The concept puzzles me...

fishwithoutbicycle
fishwithoutbicycle topcommenter

@Carl_Sagan 

As offensive as your comment is in its own right, what makes it extra dumb is the fact that I'm a lady who likes gentlemen....

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