We Eat It So You Don't Have To: Subway's Flatizza

subway-flatizza-flickr-theimpulsivebuy.jpg
flickr user TheImpulsiveBuy
It's...beautiful?

Do you remember those little Lunchables pizzas? You know the ones--served on a hard little open-faced cracker, tomato sauce with all the zest of a jar of Gerber baby food, topped with chips of alkali-cured pepperoni and a powdery white "cheese product"? Have you ever thought about microwaving one of those?

If so, better switch careers--you've got a future at Subway.

The Flatizza (I'm still not certain if it's pronounced fluh-tease-uh or flat-eat-zuh), a miracle of modern food engineering, comes from the same people that brought you such glorious innovations as gray, slimy meat (served one thin strip per two inches of sandwich, of course), caulk-gun mayonnaise, and, of course, tuna salad that can be expelled with an ice cream scoop.

The product and the process are extraordinarily simple. First, someone in a Subway/construction supplies factory takes a bunch of excess dough and pounds it into a 6" by 6" square, a lump of navy-issue hardtack with the cold consistency (and flavor) of a greasy pizza box and the warm consistency of a slightly hotter, slightly less rock-solid greasy pizza.

Then, your "sandwich artist"--mine was named Santiago and was pretty cheerful--casually Frisbees the stone slab onto Subway's antiseptic cutting board and slathers a bunch of bruise-colored tomato solution on top of the oversized cracker. After a scoopful of your favorite (or in Subway's case, most stomachable) topping and drizzle of crumbly, dry cheese dubiously labeled mozzarella, it's off to the oven for your Flatizza.

I mean, I think those things are ovens. Microwaves? Radiation ventihilators? Whatever. It gets like, 78% of your food up to room temperature.

While my Flatizza got irradiated, I asked Santiago about the Flatizza--what did he think of them?

"I like them, man," he says with a nod and a smile. "They're good."

Although he did seem a little disappointed in my topping choices: chicken and pepperoni, an attempt to recreate the long lost sub of yore, the Chicken Pizziola.

"They're not popular, though," he continues.

"We only sell around 8 or 10 a day," the cashier chimes in. "And that's with the two for five dollar deal...but we don't do that deal here anymore."

The oven-contraption beeps and from within its bellows, Santiago draws the Flatizza -- browned and bubbling cheese, sauce, and chewy meat products in parabolic mound atop the unleavened cracker. The cashier slips it into an adorable little imitation pizza box with "FLATIZZA" stamped on the top, and passes me a drink.

"Seven thirty-six," he says. It seems a little high, but I don't have time to do the math in my head -- I feel like I ought to have gotten two Flatizzas for that price. After all, it's effectively a six-inch sub, but with less bread and probably less toppings. I sit down, open the box, and inhale my meal. God help me, I pick it up and chow down.



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27 comments
adair
adair

the sauce doesnt come n a can. The "ovens" r called toasters. The ovens r where we bake the bread. We do bake the flatbread for a bit b4 u c it. The pizza cutter does suck though. I hate that thing.

Dàrth Pöwers
Dàrth Pöwers

Weird that people among us would try this. Very odd. Humans are trippy.

Joshua Kertman
Joshua Kertman

I had no interest in trying a Flatizza before and I feel alright with that decision.

Gypsyoffire Vmk
Gypsyoffire Vmk

I actually know people who like it!! and complain about 'real' Neapolitan pizza! :( not much hope for the Cali palate I am afraid :(

Joshua Ryan
Joshua Ryan

Flatizzas are horrible. The sauce tastes like the metal can it was in. The crust is that of wood. Lower quality than Lunchables. We're able to choose toppings, hardly consider that making it yourself.

TheRefriedMexican
TheRefriedMexican

I tried them once, I wish I hadn't. There's actually some Subway's that sell pre-wrapped circular pizzas. They taste way better, unfortunately only a handful of Subway's sell them.

Pennys Parents
Pennys Parents

Their breakfast AND flatizzas are RAD... You make it yourself, so if IT sucks, YOU suck...

Kelly Hughes Davis
Kelly Hughes Davis

Since I had a heart attack and bypass surgery 5 months ago, I've been on a low sodium, low fat (read: cardboard) diet. That flatizza thing looks fricken' delicious!!!

Chad Macy
Chad Macy

PS, thanks for taking one for the team.

949girl
949girl topcommenter

From the appearance it kind of reminds me of those $1 frozen pizzas called Mama Celeste.  I only buy one or two of those a year and keep it in my freezer for an emergency, like when I have a really terrible hangover and need to eat something and if I don't end up eating them it's only $1 so I don't feel bad.  Yeah and they taste like cardboard.

Louis Lopez
Louis Lopez

It's like a shittier version of the Pizza they served us for lunch in school...

Dan Koven
Dan Koven

Tried it once. Never again. Brilliant review...and accurate.

Jessica Marmurowski
Jessica Marmurowski

I enjoyed this blogger. I actually read the whole thing, which is rare based on my short attention span. Nice!

John Hald
John Hald

Trying to rip off lil ceasars lol no thanks

Grant Beattie
Grant Beattie

Tried their breakfast once when it was free. Horrible.

JGlanton
JGlanton topcommenter

Whatever. Probably just a short menu item to generate some buzz. If people don't want it, it will go away quickly. What's amazing to me about Subway is that it is the largest fast-food restaurant chain by far, with almost twice as many stores as McDonalds and employing 350,000 people. They're doing something right. I rarely eat fast food, but if I do need something quick on the road I look for a Subway and get a sandwich piled high with veggies. It's probably the healthiest choice to go. I can't see ever buying a flatizza.

TowelieLama
TowelieLama

They do put less meat on these.  It's smarter if you order a Spicy Italian on their yoga mat flatbread and ask them to put yoga mat marinara and yoga mat mozzarella on it.

By the way, the Subway slaves hate making F-zzas because there's more labor involved than making a sub (as you probably noticed).

I sometimes ponder who the genius was at Subway corporate that signed off on Flatizzas.  And, if it's the same idiot who gave the thumbs up to the Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt. Yuck.

candy
candy

the sauce doesnt come from a can. Its the exact same sauce as the saice we use n the meatballs. It comes n a bag, like pretty much everything at subway. We have no cans.

949girl
949girl topcommenter

@TowelieLama Ordering a flatizza at Subway will probably get you the same reaction as if you ordered a hot tea at a restaurant.  Now that is the most hated thing for any restaurant employee to make!

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