Top

blog

Stories

 

Five Reasons Whole Foods Is The Worst Place On Earth

Categories: Five Great...

wholefoodsfront.jpg
Flickr user ilovemypit, via Creative Commons
Inside lurks the most aggravating shopping experience in America--yes, even worse than Walmart on the day before deer season or Costco the day before Thanksgiving.
Let's not bury the lede: Whole Foods sucks. It doesn't matter whether it's in Los Angeles, New Orleans, or Santa Fe, the entire place raises my blood pressure more than any other store on Earth (except for the Ladurée shop on the Champs-Élysées in Paris, which is easily avoided since macarons are one of the most overrated desserts on Earth).

I go there, hate it though I do, for the shrinking list of things I like to eat that I can't get elsewhere (today's discovery: filmjölk at Mother's Market), and I'm reminded how much of a misfit I am in that store: a truck-driving, pro-gun, politically apathetic linebacker-sized guy in a sea of thin, liberal Prius drivers. I always feel like a bull in an organic, fair-trade china shop. After yet another shopping trip to the Tustin Whole Foods that left me drinking straight from the whiskey bottle after I got home, I decided to catalogue what bothers me most.

And yet, despite the fact that it makes my eyes roll so hard I briefly go blind, I still go back, because sometimes you can't get the stuff anywhere else. Damn you, Whole Foods.

See also: The 13 Most Overcooked Food Trends

1. Traffic inside the store

wholefoodsmarketpeople.jpg
Flickr user bellissima_italia, via Creative Commons
The ones with stairs are a special level of hell.
I swear they set the stores up to cause maximum gridlock. On a normal day it's hard enough to get around the displays of eighteen kinds of marinated shrimp, the displays of gluten-free shampoos, and the displays of local baked goods at three times the price. The other day, I was trying to get from the organic, local, sustainable, help-we've-run-out-of-expensive-sounding-adjectives vegetable section to the probiotic, non-bovine, fermented dairy section and I am pretty sure the only reason I accomplished it was due to Brownian motion.

See also: An Open Letter To My Fellow White People At the Juice Bar

2. The parking lot

priusesparked.jpg
Flickr user allen_goldblatt, via Creative Commons
Priuses... or is it Prii... EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure that half the problem in the awfulness that is any Whole Foods parking lot is caused by Prius drivers reading other Prius drivers' bumper stickers. Add to this that my local Whole Foods' parking lot was apparently designed by misanthropic and sexually frustrated engineering students whose next project was a first-person shooter called "Escape From Purgatory", and you've got a traffic snarl that would make a nun blaspheme. It's not just that one, either--the parking lot at the Glendale Whole Foods is like an incredibly slow drag strip for people whose Chevrolet Volts do 0-60 in 3.2 astrological sign changes, and the one near the 405 and 101 freeways features people who like to take their half of the road out of the middle. It's enough to drive anyone crazy.

See also: Weirdest Health Food Items at the Natural Products Expo West 2014

My Voice Nation Help
335 comments
Erin  Star Hayes
Erin Star Hayes

Does no one realize this article was from April Fools Day? HAHAHHAHAHAA.

Tony Chulla
Tony Chulla

You people (Greenie's) are like a bunch of sheep ...

kbear09090
kbear09090

Cool. Thanks for rattling the hipsters cage.

Shella Farooki
Shella Farooki

Lol! Come to Ohio - the parking lot isn't filled with Prii. But the prices are high.

Robyn Woods
Robyn Woods

Whole Foods is a quality store with a management that cares about their employees, customers, and environment. If the stores were closer to me, I wouldn't shop anywhere else.

Jonny Gleitman
Jonny Gleitman

To the "linebacker sized, truck loving" Tool who wrote this article....if this is the kind of whining you do on your free time...you need a life. Whole Foods does suck, however the only reasons you listed just make you sound like an impatient,immature, pussy. Quit your crying.

Day Post
Day Post

Slanted article - distorted view - not totally truthful. Don't see the point !

Antonio Maldonado
Antonio Maldonado

Ha, they do sell GMO people Does Whole Foods Market’s quality standards prohibit GMOs? No. It’s impossible for us to include GMOs as a catch-all standard at this time due to the lack of regulation or requirement to disclose their presence in foods. Our quality standards for food prohibit the use of artificial colorings, flavorings, preservatives, hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup and other specific ingredients. Do any products sold at Whole Foods Market contain GMOs? Yes, as do the products at nearly all grocers. GMOs are pervasive. The government does not require GMO foods to be labeled. While there is no way a retailer like WFM or a shopper can determine exactly which foods do contain GMOs, some products can be ruled out if they are made with high-risk ingredients (see “What foods are most likely to contain GMOs?” above). However, shoppers looking for products that are sourced to avoid GMOs can seek out organic or Non-GMO Project Verified products.

Danielle Nicole
Danielle Nicole

Chia seeds that contained salmonella were bought from whole foods. But not their fault. I like sprouts (:

Berenice Hernandez
Berenice Hernandez

I love whole foods for having products I can't no where else. Only one to carry Elli Quark spoonable cheese that I need for my diet. Parking is fine where I live and it's never that crowded please. I bought fish and it didn't take long. Have you been to Mexican market? ? Ordering at meat counter takes forever and so crowded! !! Ugh leave whole foods alone. I need my special food that they provide.

Ruth Z. Perry
Ruth Z. Perry

Can it Dan! I love WF too! I've found a studio that sits above WF in SD and I think I'm going to live there!

Megan Flores
Megan Flores

Shut it! I love my whole foods. the one I go to in Pasadena is the biggest one till Colorado!!

Victoria Rotondo Ugolini
Victoria Rotondo Ugolini

Really? The crowds and the parking? Please come up with a better list than that. Local technically is 400 miles (though we'd all like 50). Prices? Well...if you're a cheese snob...yes, it will cost $10 for Basque and sheep's chedder. There is always the farmer's market, Da-Le Ranch , and Surfas!!!!

lonhall
lonhall

I never shop at this bullshit store. But your reasons definitely suck! Says this guy who never has to worry about parking because he has no car.

Justin Ames
Justin Ames

The internet, and especially Facebook, is full of opinionated sheeple. :)

Troy Harkins
Troy Harkins

This poorly written and pointless article gave me cancer.

Sandy Ward Aicher
Sandy Ward Aicher

Pointless article! Who cares what cars are in the parking lot. Love Whole Foods and shop there all the time. Many favorites I can't find anywhere else! I avoid regular supermarkets because of all the crap they sell.

Lance Smith
Lance Smith

Don't even get me started my man. Totally agree!

Leslie Keane
Leslie Keane

Ok sort of funny article but I still love the store

Alan Buchanan
Alan Buchanan

Consider the source. The OC Weekly is where teenage hipsters spew moronic drivel.

Jed Willett
Jed Willett

Bravo! Avoid Tustin WF and go across the street to Claro's!

Bret James Johnson
Bret James Johnson

Still one of the only places nearby to shop organic and GMO free. If I had other options closer to me I would consider but it's better than the crap the supermarkets sell. Even with the "crowds and bad parking experience" who cares.... Pointless article about one persons experience with no real value.

Ron Harkins
Ron Harkins

Did not read the article. Don't care what the writer thinks. I like WF. Best craft beer prices around.

David A Rivera
David A Rivera

I've read this article before. It's a fucking bore

kbear09090
kbear09090

The government does not label GMO's because there is no reason to. Why should millions of dollars be spent just to mollify the unfounded fears of the scientifically illiterate? Let manufacturers label their products non GMO voluntarily so they can fleece the suckers

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Loading...