Dave Reviews OC Yelp Reviews, Part 10

Categories: Review Reviews
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Once, in a fit of creative madness while writing for this august publication, I wrote a review of the Viking Truck as a filk of the Völuspá, the Icelandic heroic saga. Our beleaguered editorial staff kindly let it through, and now when I read it, I feel like an adult looking back at a goofy candid picture from 9th grade chorus... what the hell were you thinking, Dave?

This was all I could think of as I combed through the Yelp reviews of Haven Gastropub, the Orange Circle's most beloved and, um, be-hated restaurant.

First, it seems like writing a review of Haven is a requirement of becoming a Yelp Elite, in the guidelines right next to "must give up anonymity and put picture of face up" and "must act like the Royal Family of Food Writing".

Second, Yelp attracts some really bizarre reviews. Not necessarily bad, just strange. They run the gamut from people who are obviously bored writing reviews to people who are clearly living in an alternate universe, unsullied by human reality.

So welcome, fair readers, to this week's all-Haven Gastropub edition of the Red Pencil Diaries. 

KC O.'s 3-star review of Haven Gastropub:

This review was "stupendicular." At least, I think it was, because I don't really know what stupendicular means. I'm going to assume that it's a portmanteau word combining "stupid" and "perpendicular", because otherwise it doesn't make sense.

Also, I now know far too much about KC O.'s teenage years. Acne is the bane of many a teenage boy, and many of us used Accutane to get a grip on it. I can't say, though, that I know too many people who countered its testosterone-antagonistic effects with Dianabol, a fast-acting anabolic steroid.

KC O., besides being a big brawny guy, is also worried about the deleterious effect of punctuation on his health. Shockingly, though, once I sprinkled some commas and semicolons through his prose, he actually made a couple of good points--St. Agur cheese (the blue cheese used on the Haven burger) is a love-it-or-hate-it food, and the ketchup is definitely not going to please lovers of Heinz.

Kiki N.'s 4-star review of Haven Gastropub:

Very late at night
Or on the weekends
when I sit down to write
I feel less banal than usual
especially when I have a deadline coming
and I start to play with the visual look and feel
of my Yelp restaurant reviews and make up words like WOW-wa
and soon it starts to look like the poet e.e. cummings dined at Haven
strange capitalization spacing stream-of-consciousness writing
and all, or like Jacques Prévert talking about tin counters
and sardines in Parisian shop windows
and things,
but at least I kept to the idea of a review
and wrote about the icky mussels that
gave me such brothy bitterness
and made me write a long
review that looks like a
striped boob.

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