I have bad news for all of you power-tripping, I'm-a-real-food-critic-now Elite Yelpoids out there: your little tales of woe are totally and completely useless. All those complaints--when I do look at them I read them aloud in a neo-Valley Girl accent--don't actually mean a damn thing, because nobody except your fellow Yelpers is reading them.
I can't think of the last time I clicked past the first page of reviews on Yelp, because normally I only look at the information and the aggregate of ratings. Four and a half stars across 100 reviews? Probably pretty good. Five stars across three reviews? Three people went in, identified themselves as Yelpers, and spent two hours getting a culinary blow job from a staff desperate for any inkling of positive "press."
Still, though, occasionally there are some real gems. I read sentences that make me grimace, assessments of good restaurants that make me roll my eyes, the occasional proof that someone knows what he or she is talking about, turns of phrase I wish I'd made. Here, then, are four brief reviews of local Yelp reviews.
Have you seen a Yelp review you love or hate and want reviewed? Leave a comment with the details!
Lauren S.'s 1-star review of Goat Hill Tavern:
You made it first on the list because, let's face it, anyone who's ever set foot in Goat Hill Tavern can absolutely picture a tampon on the wall--and not necessarily new, and not necessarily in the women's bathroom, either. It went downhill from there, though--you had a really strong middle but needed to wrap it up. How sticky, exactly, was the seat? (And why, why, why
did you sit down?)Sarah A.'s 5-star review of Fonda La Meche:
Well, spank my ass and call me Charlie, an Elite Yelper who actually knows what to order in an actual Mexican restaurant! Congratulations, Sarah A.! You figure out that the best dish by far at this Stanton dive is their "Mexican beef stew in a pot" (mole de olla). You actually described the dish, and then gave pointers about it. Well done. Now can you teach all the other Yelpers, please?