Six Ways to Stop Being a Douchebag at Starbucks

Categories: Five Great...
starbuckscups.jpg
Flickr user bertogg

You probably don't know it, but every time you go to a Starbucks, 14 people behind you in line are shooting daggers at you and trying to kill you by modulating their alpha waves . . . and yes, it's your fault. You're the inconsiderate, self-absorbed douchebag, and you infest every coffee shop in America.

The following list is meant to serve as an open intervention to you all. There is hope; cast aside your douchebaggery.

6. Know what you want before you get to the display case.

starbucksdisplaycase.jpg
Flickr user 22280677@N07
If you can see this, you should have your mind made up already.

Not when you get to the front of the line; most coffeehouses are smart enough, during the morning caffeine rush, to take orders for the barista long before you get to the front of the line. Know what you want, and be on the lookout for the person peering past the shortening-laden pastries to inquire as to your caffeination needs.

5. Tip your barista, especially if you require some ridiculously complex thing.

starbuckstipjar.jpg
Flickr user doctorow

Baristas are tipped employees, just like waitstaff. You're already spending $4.39 for your triple half-caf upside-down soy caramel macchiato, no whip; toss a buck in the bucket . . . and don't be the douchebag who announces it, either. Every barista knows when someone puts money in the tip jar, so casually announcing you don't like to carry change because it makes your pockets jingle is just a crass attempt at currying favor.

4. Get off your damn smartphone.

starbucksiphone.jpg
Flickr user clothfairy

If your email, Twitter or Words With Friends is so all-fired important that you can't take 30 seconds to order a drink and pay, get the hell out of line. Seriously. Go finish what you're doing on your flickering electronic leash, then get coffee when you feel you can live in meatspace for a few minutes.

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21 comments
I Love Coffee!
I Love Coffee!

Tip the "barristas"...at Starbuck's? They are about as much barristas as line cooks at McDonald's are chefs! The fancy, expensive machine that they use for their drinks requires no skill at all on the part of the operator beyond being able to push a button. I'm not so much critisizing the folks who work there as much as I am insulted that they are referred to a barristas. I guess I am one of those douchebags you describe because, on the rare occasion I DO go to Starbuck's, I hold up the line confusing the coffee clerk because I refuse to speak Starbuckian. Try walking in there and ordering a "medium" coffee, or a "long" shot in your latte! Its chaos I tell ya!

O. Lallieberry
O. Lallieberry

Another one, which I began to do for my own convenience: If your first name will be difficult for local Starbucks workers difficult to spell or pronounce: Just give a simple mainstream name.

For example, if your name is Waichi, Tonantzin, Keone or Kwame, just say your name is Jane, Mary, John or Bill. Then remember to pick up your drink when they call you.

Anieh Yohbadad
Anieh Yohbadad

Translation: Make your name white because that's more convenient.

John Smith
John Smith

Names don't have color.  Anyway, both my gf and I do this for different reasons (my name is not a standard name in any country and my gf's is often misspelled, mispronounced or confused for another name entirely), but in both cases, it just makes it easier.  They don't care what your real name is and I don't care if they can spell or pronounce it correctly.  Wanna change it to an impersonal number system instead of names?  Go for it!  In the meantime, giving them an "easy" name keeps things running smoothly. I'm happy, the people behind me are happy and the staff is happy (well, maybe not "happy", but at least they don't have the added pain in the ass of having to pronounce one more difficult name).

zengfoo
zengfoo

Oh wow, Starbucks is jsut really cool liek that. Wow.www.Total-Privacy dot US

Bozo
Bozo

More obvious sermons on manners, please granma Dave.

Tbplayer
Tbplayer

Best way to stop being a douchbag at Starbucks?  Don't go to Starbucks!

909Jeff
909Jeff

  Dave, 

I would like to add a #7.  Dont go through the drive through if your ordering 5 different complex drinks... Have the courtesy to go inside and not hold up the line outside! 

Dave Lieberman
Dave Lieberman

Ooooh, good one 909Jeff. I never drive through, because it always takes three times as long as parking and walking in, so I didn't even consider drive-through douchebaggery.

909Jeff
909Jeff

Seriously try it sometime... You can get through the drive through at In N Out faster at lunch time than you can at a starbucks with 4 cars ahead of you.

909Jeff
909Jeff

Dont you want to just lay on the horn and let them have a piece of your mind? No GD respect! 

Dave Lieberman
Dave Lieberman

I went through the drive-through at the Starbucks on Katella and Main today... most aggravating thing ever! The guy in front of me actually ordered additional drinks at the window! ("Sorry, I just got a text... can I get a tall mocha light frappe and a grande caramel macchiato too, please?")

FishWithoutBicycle
FishWithoutBicycle

I hear you, Jeff! I accept slower service if I park and walk inside but I expect a little more speed in the drive-thru...and yet I always seem to be behind that guy that orders 5 specialty drinks and then takes his sweet time pulling away from the window after he gets them. I experience the same phenomenon when I'm in the fast-food drive-thru and the bozo in front of me orders 5 combos...sheesh.

Bryan Castañeda
Bryan Castañeda

All of these complaints are valid except #1. Numbers #2-6 are all about a lack of courtesy but #1 merely shows a lack of coffee sophistication. Well, so what? Starbucks is popular BECAUSE it offers to many options. If people want complicated, too-sweet drinks that's their business and the coffee snobs just gotta deal with it. (For the record, all I get at Starbucks is a grande latte.)

Val
Val

Stating that complaining that Starbucks' coffee tastes burnt "shows a lack of coffee sophistication" is like saying admitting the Emperor has no clothes on means you lack intelligence. To me, being a "coffee snob" is stating that people's taste buds are inferior to yours because you're more sophisticated. The argument must hold some water if all YOU get is a grande latte instead of a cup of black coffee...

909Jeff
909Jeff

Wrong... people don't lack sophistication because they like a Large Pike place roast black. That would be the same as me saying your pretentious because you like a double nonfat soy pumpkin spiced latte easy whip with chocolate curls and light caramel heated to 145 degrees. 

Reality
Reality

A 909'r talking about sophistication?

I mean come on, you probably date your cousin.

909Jeff
909Jeff

Well... Looks like we found another over-privileged OC brat who was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.  

(The funny thing is you're probably from Stanton, or Buena Park)  

 

jumpcut
jumpcut

Or just avoid Starbucks altogether and get a better tasting & cheaper cup of coffee at McDonald's.

Val
Val

#1 wouldn't be an issue if their coffee didn't taste like someone took a flamethrower to the beans. The only time I visit Starbucks is if it's the only place to get coffee nearby, and even then I get a latte or some drink that dilutes the burnt taste of the beans.

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