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Five Films Not Appropriate to Watch Drunk, and the Drinks to Best Enjoy Them By

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During the summertime, every day is a good day for a Bloody Mary or mimosa--especially after work. And the film industry knows it--there's currently a deluge of movies begging for a soused-up audience making the cinematic rounds: The Hangover Part II, Bridesmaids, Bad Teacher, Horrible Bosses (and, let's face it, your girlfriend had to get you totally wasted before you agreed to seeing Friends with Benefits).

But not all of Hollywood's blockbusters are liquor-friendly--especially when you're trying to fend off nausea the morning after. The following are five movies you should avoid watching drunk (or the best films to force your hungover roommate to watch as penance for barfing on your pillow the night before), along with more-appropriate beverages to enjoy the film--or, in the case of Sex and the City 2, to make the horror a bit less horrible.
1. Inception

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Nevermind that the plot is far too complicated for the average liquored-up Joe--but if the Bacardi doesn't have your head spinning, director Christopher Nolan's rotating rooms will (it's seriously the drunkard's worst nightmare). Maybe Cobb (Leonardo Dicaprio) wouldn't have hallucinated so much if he did his job wasted--but then again, trying to puke in a toilet that magically ends up on the ceiling presents an entirely different set of complications.

Instead, drink: Coffee. In your hyper-caffeinated state, you may (after about seven rewatches) determine whether SPOILER! the totem stops spinning or not. Or at the very least you can, in the five hours you spend trolling the Internet afterwards  until 5 a.m., find some suitable half-answer that you can blurt out in conversation with unwarranted confidence.

2. The Sixth Sense/The Exorcist/Anything scary that also features an excessive amount of vomit
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Watching scary films while under the influence of any mind-altering substances is generally a bad idea--even with older fare, the cheesy movie effects suddenly become far too realistic. And no matter how drunk you are, after a certain age, shitting your pants and vomiting simultaneously is inexcusable (sorry).

Instead, drink: Water, which, for whatever reason, seems to go best with fear and nausea. 

3. Sex and the City 2

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Even the inherent promise of vodka and sex can't save this train wreck. You'll want to keep drinking until they start getting younger, the jokes get better (and less offensive), or to simply drown out their shrill voices. Sadly, it ain't happening--and alcohol poisoning sucks.

Instead, drink:
Nyquil, for night time. Remember: the day stuff will just keep you awake. 

4. I am Love
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Don't get me wrong--this Italian-made film is beautiful. It would just be terrible to watch drunk. The pace is agonizingly slow (just look at the above photo, it radiates dull) and any foreign-made film is made twice as intolerable while intoxicated by requiring more cognitive function than your run-of-the-mill shoot 'em up blockbuster. Who likes to read, anyway?

Instead, drink: Tea, but only if you have the fancy china to go with it. Or maybe a snifter of Fernet Branca--impossible to get drunk off that stuff. 

5. Any Disney film

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There's something almost sacrilegious about watching a film from your childhood plastered, and proceeding to puke just as Beauty tells Beast that she loves him (not that we know anything about that. Any cleverly-devised drinking games are sad--taking a shot every time Pooh gets his hand (or head) stuck somewhere seems mean-spirited. Some memories should remain encased in their shiny, unscathed childhood veneer. Barney, however, is fair game.
 
Instead, drink: Apple juice or warm milk. Bonus points for pairing the liquids with any food that's animal-shaped.

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4 comments
Bill T.
Bill T.

Hey Matt, maybe not " ... any foreign-made film is made twice as intolerable ... ", I find that 3-5 beers doesn't hurt my enjoyment of 7 Samurai a whit. Just a quibble, not a criticism. Taken as a general rule, I wouldn't argue at all.

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