Five Alternatives to California Pizza Kitchen's 1,160-Calorie Thai Crunch Salad

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Chasen Marshall/OC Weekly
The excellent Men's Health series called "Eat This, Not That" made its bones by mocking the atrocious nutritional bomb CPK sold as a "Thai Crunch Salad." In its original incarnation, it contained 2,238 calories if you added the heart-healthy avocado option.

Shamed by this, or perhaps due to nutritional-labeling laws in California and New York causing people to have heart attacks even before they ate this monstrosity, CPK retooled the salad. Portions are smaller, it's much more lightly dressed, and . . .

. . . it still weighs in at 1,160 calories, even without the avocado or any extra dressing, or about half of what a sedentary, 40-year-old man who stands 5 feet 8 inches tall needs in a day. Other nutritional analyses have put it anywhere from 1,150 to 1,200 calories.

Given that, here are five "recipes"--complete with photos--for salads that come in at 1,160 calories (or so).

1. The "Where Is Your King Now?" Salad (Burger King)
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Chasen Marshall/OC Weekly
2 cups shredded salad greens (12 calories)
1 Quad Stacker sandwich (800 calories)
2 value orders onion rings (300 calories)
2 Tbsp. light Ranch dressing (80 calories)

TOTAL: 1,192 calories


2. The "We Miss Dan" Salad (Del Taco)
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Chasen Marshall/OC Weekly
2 cups shredded salad greens (12 calories)
8 tacos (1,040 calories)
3 Tbsp. light Ranch dressing (120 calories)

TOTAL: 1,172 calories


3. The "Creepy Clown" Salad (McDonald's)
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Chasen Marshall/OC Weekly
2 cups shredded salad greens (12 calories)
2 Big Macs (1,040 calories)
3 Tbsp. light Ranch dressing (120 calories)

TOTAL: 1,172 calories


4. The "Crazy Mexican Chicken" Salad (El Pollo Loco)
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Chasen Marshall/OC Weekly
2 cups shredded salad greens (12 calories)
1 three-piece breast/wing meal: (1,057 calories)
 Corn tortillas
 Corn cobbettes
 Cole slaw

3 Tbsp. light Ranch dressing (120 calories)

TOTAL: 1,189 calories


5. The "Chickety China" Salad (Panda Express)
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Chasen Marshall/OC Weekly
2 cups shredded salad greens (12 calories)
1 two-item combo:
  • Chow mein (400 calories)
  • Mixed veggies (35 calories)
  • Orange chicken (400 calories)
1 order veggie spring rolls (160 calories)
 Sauce for the spring rolls (80 calories)
1 extra cup sweet-and-sour sauce (80 calories)

TOTAL: 1,167 calories

Hat tip to Nichole Colsch for the discussion that led to this absolutely disgusting post. (Editor's Note: I assure you most of the food in the photos was actually eaten. Except for the tacos. 'Cause they'd gone soggy. Sad face.)


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5 comments
Joe
Joe

In its original incarnation, you could eat two "Where Is Your King Now?" salads for the caloric price of one CPK Thai Crunch Salad. 

Nichole
Nichole

Love it, Dave!  This will have to be my excuse to skip the salad section on restaurant menus and just go for the burgers. Or, I suppose, on a good day, the grilled fish.

Mr. Rosewater
Mr. Rosewater

Looks as though Dave's got a few menu items for the bistro he's intending to launch on the third circle of Hell. Of course, he'll have to include some inferno sauce for those tacos.

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