Writing Drunk on Four Loko

We went with the purple can.

​Web Editor Vickie wanted one of us in the office to drink something called Four Loko, some energy drink with 12-percent alcohol that's making schools nervous, that was just banned in Michigan, and makes students excited.

No one on our staff is stupid enough to waste their time on such a drink--I do believe we're a bourbon staff--and Dave, Shuji, and Edwin have day jobs, so the dope was me!

My reactions to the drink after the jump!
I'm writing 15-20 minutes after drinking Four Loko, a tall 24-proof 40-ouncer, and let me tell you: the buzz is GREAT. It's apparently malt liquor mixed with taurine (the shit they put in Red Bull and all those other energy drinks, which I don't bother with because the taste is rancid), caffeine, and guaraná, that Brazilian fruit that's the rage with the eco-idiots but which Brazilians can't buy much anymore, according to some article I read once--where was I? Oh, the methodology: before Vickie, Michelle, the jefe, and other staffers, I drank the Four Loko as fast as I could.

I couldn't pound it like, say, a Manhattan, because I'm not a beer drinker--has something to do with the fact my dad fed me beer when I was a baby, you know? But I was able to finish it in four chugs, a fact easily verified by the rest of the Weeklings that saw me. This particular flavor isn't bad--"a wild Brazilian berry, Uva"--it reminds me of the grape soda sold at Costco, with only a slight alcoholic aftertaste and not much of the caffeine. If I was thirsty, and it was a hot day, and there was a Four Loko in front of me, I would drink it.

Feelin' fine!

​And, yes: it does pack a punch. Again: I'm not a beer drinker, so I'm not sure what a 40 of beer does to the system, but the buzz I got going right now is similar to the buzz I get after half a Crosby Manhattan: good. The only thing I don't like? The gas. Again, I don't drink beers (or many sodas, for that matter), but I hear carbonated beverages make you burp, and that's what I'm doing right now: foul, putrid stenches pushing up fumes from the deepest recesses of my bowels. By the fourth gulp, I ordered everyone to leave my office lest they smell what I emit. Why, I wouldn't even wish my burps on Diamond Dog!

Do I feel a caffeine buzz? No, but then again, I'm a hyper person by nature. I don't understand why kids would want a simultaneous upper and downer, but then again, I don't drink caffeine, either. Maybe I'm the wrong person for this experiment? Or...(cue Oscar Bluth) am I?

I end this post with two pieces of wisdom. The first, attributed to Mark Twain: "Write drunk, edit sober," a truism I take to heart. The second, from that psycho in Top Chef: Just Desserts, and addressed to those of you who can't handle Four Loko: WEAK SAUCE.

​Other Flavors of Four Loko: Citrus, grape (Uva berry), fruit punch, orange blend, watermelon, blue raspberry, lemonade, cranberry lemonade and lemon lime.

Where We Found Four Loko: 7-Eleven! 

Nutritional Info:

Serving Size: 1 can (23.5 oz)
Amount per serving
Calories: 660
Calories from Fat: 0

Total Fat: 0 g

Total Carbohydrate: 65 g

Dietary Fiber: 0 g
Sugars: 60 g
Other Carbs: 0 g

Protein: < 1 g

P.S. I went through this and had a serious conversation about...something with Michelle, and I was as lucid as I went on with her. HA!

P.P.S. Okay, I'm starting to cough up the morning's breakfast salsa. NOT GOOD.

P.P.P.S. Now I'm tired.