Curtains For Pepe: How To Murder a Peep in 10 Ways

Categories: Das Ubergeek
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So you've got a vendetta against chickenkind, but you're barred by restraining order from Zacky Farms? Get your revenge by torturing and murdering the popular Easter candy known as Peeps. We worked with Pepe the Peep to find which was the most efficient way.

1. Boiling
By far the most dramatic method, this involved dropping Pepe into a pot of boiling hot water. Pepe floated around on top, screaming (Peeping?) for help, but after just a minute had turned into a pile of bubbles floating atop a sea of yellowish liquid. 1:05

Dave Lieberman

2. Waterboarding

How exactly do you waterboard a Peep, given that they float? You borrow a child's Little People ambulance set's toy stretcher and attach the Peep with a rubber band. Then you set it on a board, bind a towel across its face, and turn on the sink. Dick Cheney was right: this thing sang like a canary, which helped us foil an avian terror plot targeting the Perdue factory in Arkansas. It also did not kill Pepe. Failure.

Dave Lieberman

3. Microwaving

The most well-known Peep destruction method; Peeps in the microwave blow up to four or five times their size under the watchful eye of the magnetron. Sadly, I used a plate that was not microwave safe, so Pepe extracted his revenge by fusing utterly to the plate. 1:49

Dave Lieberman

4. Baking

The glory of Microwave Elephantitis Peep happens more slowly in the oven at 400°F. It's still the same dramatic expansion, still the same liquefication of the internal marshmallorgans, still the same delicious result, but slower. 2:00, plus 10:00 for preheat

Dave Lieberman

5. Chopping

This required advanced technology, in the form of one of those little mini-choppers. While it did not exactly make mincemeat out of the Peep, it did eventually render it unrecognizable; because it stuck to the blade, what came out was a very sticky, mottled yellow and white ball of ex-Peep. 0:20

Dave Lieberman

6. Overinflating

I inserted a kids' straw and started to inflate the Peep. It worked really well for about three seconds, and then I blew a hole in Pepe's side. This rendered any further attempts unproductive, so I skewered him with the straw. Failure.

Thumbnail image for peepskewer.JPG
Dave Lieberman

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