Nine Reasons Why I Loathe Guy Fieri

Categories: Indigestion
  • His hair is a hybrid between a Dragonball Z character, a Huntington Beach bro, and a pineapple--sloppy in a seemingly effortless way. Despite this, Fieri's goatee is oh so immaculately precious...

  • He might hit the diners and drive-ins, but where are the dives? Every episode features places packed with customers, and popularity does not a dive make. Fieri wouldn't know a true hole-in-the-wall if you dumped him in the middle of Little Saigon and spotted him the bánh and the mì.

  • He calls his own show Triple D--EGO EGO EGO.

  • Where are the ethnics? Nearly all the shows focus on American cuisine, and the few that do feature ethnic eateries make sure to highlight those where English is the primary language. Ignoring the ethnic eateries America has to offer is not only culinary foolishness, it also makes America seem as if we're in some American Third Position Party nightmare.

  • Despite this aversion to ethnics, Fieri had no problem guido-ing his name from the muy-WASPy Ferry.

  • 112_0806_08z+guy_fieri+headshot.jpg
    Rumor has it he's featuring some Orange County places for the first time for a future show --this, in a county that's home to Little Saigon, Little Arabia, half of Mexico and a big chunk of expat Iran. Barely? Idiot.

  • Despite all his professed love for diners, drive-ins, and dives, Fieri films commercials for T.G.I. Friday's the only chain that can make Denny's seem as delicious as Ramos House Cafe.

  • When I invited him to hear us out on great places for his show, he never responded. Instead, Fieri decided to ride his star locally with the Orange County Register. Good luck with that!

  • A recipe called No Can Beato This Taquito--hey, Guy? I hear the California Coalition for Immigration Reform needs a cook for their next anti-Mexican fundraiser...

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