Food Created to Kill Us: Caffeinated Butterfingers

Last month brought news that Sparks, the first name in alcoholic energy drinks and something I've imbibed many more times than I'd care to admit, would no longer have caffeine in them for a variety of health-related concerns that should all be obvious.

But lest you think the world would go too long without adding an obscene amount of caffeine to something that's already clearly unhealthy for you, the other day at 7-11 I encountered the glorious display you see pictured: Butterfinger Buzz. That's right, it's a Butterfinger, "with as much caffeine as the leading energy drink." Now, I've always been under the impression that chocolate is naturally caffeinated, so the fact that they're adding extra caffeine to, of all things, a candy bar, is pretty absurd. And scary. And yes, oddly enticing. The display says "Limited Edition;" well, yeah, let's hope.

It's probably the most ridiculous mass-manufactured food product I've encountered since the heady days of SportBeans, a product I am fairly shocked to discover still exists. Purportedly, they're energy bars that are designed to get you all pumped up for some sports-related activities, but in, y'know, jelly bean format. Because nothing says "I'm ready for some rigorous physical fitness!" than...jelly beans.