UPDATE: Photos are up.

By Amanda Parsons and Erin DeWitt

When the press release for a Newport Beach bachelor auction came across our desks, we were all over that shit. And when we heard there was going to be an open bar? The deal got even sweeter.

You would think that a room full of eligible men, free flowing alcohol and some B-list reality TV stars would make for a fun evening.

It didn’t.

Right off the bat, we knew it wasn’t going to go well when the first bachelor “Duff” only fetched $125. Most bachelor auctions benefit causes worth spending money on, like fighting AIDS or housing orphans with Tuberculosis. This auction was raising money for the benevolent cause of. . . beauty pageants. Specifically the Miss Teen Newport Fucking Beach Pageant. Talk about funding the epitome of all things wrong with this world. The Haves giving to the Have-Mores.

Everyone in this clusterfuck of silicone and spray tan seemed to agree because no one would bid on these poor bastards. They even had to lower the price on a few of ‘em. Not even the open bar could save them (but it did ease our pain a little bit).

The “celebrities” included a couple of the Real Housewives and those guys from that show about tanning. Real Housewife Quinn had to buy her own 26-year old boyfriend because no one would bid on him. How embarrassing.

Then came the Sunset Tan boys, glowing Caltrans orange like a giant caution sign. No one wanted them either, so their prices had to be dropped like a K-Mart blue light special.

We couldn’t help but wonder why, in a room full of millionaires, no one was willing to fork over the dough so Miss Teen Newport Beach could get some new hair extensions.

Eh, must be the economy.