There's a reason why most sports-minded people don't talk about political issues, and that's because they're idiots at most everything else (the brilliant Dave Zirin excepted). A great example occurred this morning on ESPN2's ESPN First Take, after they showed footage of bubble-maker extraordinaire Fan Yang trying to put a bubble around an elephant, the same stunt he tried to pull at SanTana's Discovery Science Center before activists shamed the place into canceling the event. I wish I took notes of the exchange between First Take anchors Jay Crawford and Dana Jacobson, but it broke down something like this: Jacobson argued that the stunt actually brought positive attention to the plight of pachyderms, while Crawford mumbled that people look too much into things sometimes. Don't worry too much about losing any context in my interpretation, because the words of Crawford and Jacobson were as convoluted as my paraphrase!

It’s the big finale of the Real Housewives of Orange County and Bravo will henceforth be taking the series to New York to film some allegedly “real” women as they discuss their money and plastic surgery. Needless to say, I won't be participating in that spectacle.

But let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? About 90 percent of this final (hooray!) episode deals with Lauri and George’s wedding. Yes, it was beautiful. And, yes, everyone looked lovely. Skeletor only looked slightly freakish and George only slightly resembled a double-chinned lemur with an eyebrow twitch problem. Really, that's as lovely as it gets.

Needless to say, the cliffhanger from last week involving Lauri’s son Josh and his participation in the wedding ended well. He was indeed a part of the festivities and ultimately agreed to try and not do as many drugs in the future. Yay for him! Although the fact that Lauri had the whole thing filmed for national television seems to raise more red flags than I care to get into right now. Methinks Lauri needs more psycho therapy than her son. Yes, more therapy and less surgery. Her boobs look terrible—and that face! Guh!

Meanwhile, Quinn and Billy, who weren’t invited to the wedding, are vacationing in Vegas together and, boy is that vacation going south faster than Quinn’s Christian-cougar soul is plunging into the depths of hell.

As much as I enjoy Star Trek, and always have, I can't say I was that enthused by the idea of “Star Trek: The Tour.” What could they show me that I haven't seen? Could it possibly top the Star Trek Experience in Las Vegas? Do I really want to pay top dollar to see a bunch of multicolored spandex uniforms?

But duty calls, and I'm certainly the most qualified person at this publication to volunteer for said duty – I had William Shatner's “Transformed Man” on import CD before it was re-released stateside, and I even acted and assistant-directed a movie with Walter “Mr. Chekov” Koenig (Mad Cowgirl, available on DVD everywhere). I'm not one of those guys who can explain the fictional physics behind a warp core breach, nor could I tell you what number a particular episode is where something happened. But I do know that you're supposed to do a shot every time Worf says “I am a Klingon!” on Next Gen.

Boldly going to the Queen Mary, I stood in line behind the world's worst queue – one of my pet peeves, and perhaps yours, is when a line is already moving really slowly, and the person at the front of the line decides to have a conversation with the cashier, rather than simply saying “One adult, one child,” and moving along.

The Housewives season is coming to an end (thank god) so this week's episode concluded with a cliffhanger of sorts. Lauri is going to have a therapist-mediated get-together with her druggie son Josh to see if he can be part of her wedding. Annnnd . . . the cameras will be there to catch the whole thing!

No wonder the poor kid hates her. She's exploiting his disease to make herself look more saintly. For shame, Skelator. Aren't mothers supposed to put their children's needs before their own? I'm sure the last thing your son needs is to have his face plastered across America's televisions depicted as the spoiled suburban drug addict while Lauri gets to play the part of the helpless victim. So that should be fun to see next week. Joy!

Other than wedding drama there was another type of celebration this week, Tamra's 40th birthday party. All of the housewives were invited, even cougar Quinn who coincidentally isn't invited to Lauri's wedding. Quinn decided it might be a bit more appropriate to bring her older boyfriend, Billy, rather than her sugar baby, Jared. Smart thinkin'.

Well, this week the housewives were pretty fucking boring. I mean, way more boring than usual. I know it's hard to be more pointless than they already are, but somehow they managed.

I really wonder what these women think when they get out of bed in the morning. Do they think their lives are somehow more important or relevant than others' simply because they are on television? It certainly seems that way, at least for some of them. Take Tamra for example. She is one shit-talking, self-obsessed, holier-than-thou beeotch if I have ever seen one.

As mentioned in today’s news section, Jim “The Poorman” Trenton and KDOC have parted ways, in a dispute over controversial advertising. The station says he refused to get more mainstream sponsors; Trenton says they didn’t give him enough time.

Trenton also says that he got told unequivocally that his show was history after he submitted the following ad for approval. We present it, you decide -- given that his contract specified that nudity and obscene language were to be the only criteria for rejection of an ad, does this spot go too far or was he within his rights?

P.S. You might not want to watch this at work with the sound on

This week, all the housewives go on vacation. Some take a vacation from their homes or their problems, and others, from their boobs.

It seems that Tamra, the self-proclaimed “hottest housewife” has grown tired of her magnum-sized breast implants and has opted for their removal. Apparently they cause discomfort in the back region. Her husband Simon, always sweet and supportive, lends his advice on her surgery in the following way: “I don’t want someone with mosquito bites," he says. "I mean, I need something there.”

Wow. Now we see why he married her. It appears that Tamra also notices this, because ultimately, she decides that it would be better to have smaller bags of simulated fat surgically implanted under her chest muscles and keep her husband happy, than it would be to cure her ailments. Smart thinkin’ sister. I mean he is the one paying for the surgery.

Before she goes under, Tamra expresses her concerns about the procedure. “It’s scary,” she says to the camera with a furrowed brow. “When most girls in Orange County are getting bigger boobs I’m getting smaller ones. I could be losing my best asset.”

Yes. It’s true Tamra. Now all you have to offer the world is vapid consumerism. George Bush will be so proud.

In this week's episode, cougar Quinn has planned her golf pro boyfriend Billy’s birthday party and, no, her 26-year old back-up boyfriend is not invited.

The party is going along nicely and Quinn is trying really hard to be cute and charming to impress Billy’s friends. But things don’t really work out in that department. You can tell that they are taking a turn for the worse when Billy raises a toast, “Cheers for putting up with me for all these years!” he says. “Yeah I don’t know how you guys did it!” Quinn jokes. No one laughs.

Awkward.

Things get a bit worse from there. Billy is a bit of an asshole. He likes to correct her grammar because he thinks he is smarter than she is. This causes Quinn to not only look unfunny but stupid. She is really striking out.

But she pulls it together for one last-ditch effort to show Billy’s friends that she cares. She stands and announces that she really likes Billy and that she is happy to be amongst the company. Nice gesture right? I guess not. Billy seems a bit squeamish and his friends all look confused by this. I wonder if they know about the 26-year-old.

Surprise! There is a new housewife out of nowhere! She’s a cougar named Quinn. And boy does she like her some sex. For those of you who are totally out of it, a cougar is a woman who dates men much younger than herself. Quinn is currently dating a 26-year-old who she met at a bar. Annnnnd a few other guys too.

Quinn considers herself to be a good Christian woman and not a cougar. Her reasoning behind this belief is confirmed because she regularly goes to church and because the men she’s dating “think she is closer to their age.” Right Quinn. Like you look 26. Give me a break.

Along with her 26-year-old boy toy, Quinn is dating Billy, a golf pro at one of the country clubs she frequents for boozing purposes. Quinn says she hates being alone and likes “being touched” which is made fairly evident by the fact that she can’t keep her hands off of Billy. This is understandable because they have so much in common, like the fact that they both go to church on Sundays. It is kind of disheartening to watch her neediness with him. She looks like she has to beg for it and Billy seems a little uncomfortable about the cling. But Quinn describes the relationship as being in its honeymoon stage, which she follows up by saying she almost doesn’t want to go out with him in public, rather she “wants to take him out back and mack on him.” I believe that saying was originally written in the Old Testament but I could be wrong about that.

This week's episode of OC Housewives is all about the children. And oh what a bunch of mentally disturbed offspring they are indeed. But you know what they say, like mother like . . . you get the point.

It starts out with Lauri and her youngest daughter, Sophia, painting a closet because her other daughter “forgot“ to do it. The segment consists entirely of monologues about how much better Sophie is than her other kids.

“Out of my three children, Sophia is the only one that hasn’t disappointed me so far,” Lauri says. Gee, maybe that’s because she is 9-years-old. I give the little brat about three years before she turns into a superficial little bitch, just like the older one. Its the genes.

Side note: There is something wrong with this woman’s face. I don’t know what it is, but one of her surgeries went terribly wrong. The chin implant perhaps? I can’t be too sure, but she closely resembles Skeletor, and not in a good way.

Apparently Bravo can't get enough of The Real Housewives of Orange County and now we're all going to suffer.

The network just green lit a one-hour pilot for ousted housewife Jo De La Rosa as she searches for love and tries to become a famous singer in Los Angeles.

I didn't think television could get any more desperate for reality shows about love. But hey, they gave one to frickin' Bret Michaels so what do I know. I guess people will watch anything no matter how mundane and irrelevant. That must be why Entertainment Tonight is still on the air.

To see the formal press release for Jo Jo's new show click here.

In the most recent episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, all the ladies get together for some drunk time and gossip at a restaurant. To sum this gathering up in one sentence: Squawk, squawk, Tamra says inappropriate things and Vicki is an annoying bitch, squawk.

In fact, that sentence pretty much sums up the whole episode.

I will explain. See, Vicki wants to sell her house. (The small one - not the big one.) The big one makes her feel more important. Anyway, she lists the house and Tamra, a Realtor who has a client that is interested in the property, decides to bring the client by and make a sale. But the opportunity is disrupted when Tamra decides it would be a smart business move to call her client a cheap asshole. That pretty much describes her lack of an inner monologue.

So I got back from a brief vacation last week with two episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" saved on my DVR.

I knew I had to sit through the darned things to review the show, but I also knew I didn't really have to watch them to understand how ridiculously stupid and pointless the thing was going to be.

Yes, call it a hunch, but I could somehow sense that watching a show about five women with more money than they deserve and so much plastic surgery that they resemble Rob Schneider would be a complete waste of time. This is why YOU probably won't be watching it and that's where I come in.

I plopping myself down in front of this piece of shit show so that you don't have to! So sit back and get ready to be wowed by this special two-episodes-in-one-blog post review.

The show - if you don't already know - revolves around the lives of a handful of "real housewives" who are, ironically enough, mostly composed of plastic and other parts used in the making of the space shuttle. Four of them are roll-overs from previous seasons that I never bothered to watch, and one, Tamra, is new. . .

Apparently, good Republicans do exist. CBS News is reporting that Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) has sent letters to mega-millionaire televangelists Paula White, Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, Eddie Long, Kenneth Copeland and Benny Hinn asking they turn over all financial records within a month or risk losing their tax-exempt status after fielding complaints about their extravagant lifestyles (read our take on Copeland from 2005). The six appear on the Costa Mesa-based Trinity Broadcasting Network, the world's largest televangelical station and the ones with the luxurious headquarters across the 405 Freeway South Coast Plaza, a delicious (or divine?) statement on the eternal struggle between God and Mammon.

Well the time has finally come to say goodbye to our friends at Newport Harbor. And I say good riddance!

I am beside myself with glee. This show officially stunk up the TV waves for far too long and needed to die. And dead it is. God bless America!

Here is the gist of the final episode. Chrissy leaves for college and has an emotional goodbye with her BFF Sasha. Then she goes on one final boat cruise with Clay who's staying in Newport because he still has another year of high school to finish. But these two lovebirds have decided to stay together and do the long distance thing. Five bucks says they break up in a month. Over under anybody?

Then, after a tearful goodbye with her parents, Chrissy drives off toward her future and her phone rings. It is her dad. Again. And Chrissy decides not to answer the call (how grown up!).

Cut to Allie who spends most of her time packing for the big trip to Europe and trying her hardest not to look like an idiot with her friend that doesn't matter to the story line. They fail. Again.

Here is a brief snip of one of their genius conversations:

"I'm hungry." Allie says
"I know. So hungry." FTDMTTSL says.
"I have French bread. Oh and its fresh!"
"Let's make French toast."
"Where's your pans? 'Cause I forgot."
"Here."
"Do you have prongs?"
"I have a flipper."
"Like this thing?"
"Um. I think that's for salad."
I feel dumber just watching them try to move around.

Motherfucker. I am so disappointed. I thought this was the last time this piece of shit show was going to air but unfortunately next week is the finale episode of Newport Harbor, not this week. This allows just one last chance for these complete fucking wastes of space to invade our lives with their meaningless jargon and Barbie clichés.

So the episode opens with Sasha and Chrissy (BFF!) pondering the meaning of life, it was the blond leading the blond as they discussed the great unknown – whether Chrissy and Clay would stay together after graduation.

How come they never said that Clay was a junior? WTF. I’ve been watching this god-forsaken show for weeks now and this is the first I’ve heard of it. Anyway, the whole cast is abuzz with graduation talk.

Allie wants to know if she will be able to go to Europe, where we last left things she was arguing about how unfair her life is because her parents don’t think she is mature enough to go off to Europe without parental supervision. They were right. But regardless, Allie and her friend that doesn’t matter to the story line were left to discuss a change in strategy.

“Try to be mature about it,” The friend that doesn’t matter to the story line said. “It’s like my dad always says, ‘You always get more’ wait. ‘You catch more flies with’ um.”
“What does your dad always say?” Allie asks.
“Whatever,” FTDMTTSL said.
“You catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar?” another girl who equally doesn’t matter says.
“Well that’s what I plan on doing!” Allie says.

This week's episode of Newport Harbor opens with Chase deciding that he likes Taylor and not Allie. This is problematic because he took Allie to prom and kicked Taylor out of the after-party for cutting off his groove sauce or soiling his game, if you will. But, as it turns out, this lady switch is for the best because appears that Allie is a complete fucking retard.

Here is a clip of a conversation between she and her friend who doesn't matter to the story line as they discuss going to Europe for the summer.
"Where do you want to go?" Allie asks.
"I want to be, like near water," FTDMTTSL says.
"I want to be near the beaches," Allie says. "Like you know? Near the water and not, like, up in the land. In like Ireland or wherever. I want to go to Rome."
"Yeah, Rome."
"Is Rome like, a country? Or no, not Rome. Is Italy, yeah Italy, like, a country?"
"I think its like a state here."
"Italy would be like awesome because like, I love Italian food "
"And Italian boys!" they both say in unison.
"We could like ride around on a Vespa," FTDMTTSL says.
"Or we could go to Spain because I speak Spanish," Allie adds.
"Really? Prove it to me and say something in Spanish. Say, 'Where are all the hot boys?'"
"Donde esta los... um."
"Caliente boys!"
"No. Because caliente is like weather hot."
Duh stupid. Everyone knows that. I want to jab a pencil into my eye.

But it is not over yet. Not by a long shot. This is just the tip of the iceberg on this blizzard of intellectual conversation.

It is prom season in Newport Harbor and, boy howdy, are the children all in a tizzy about the festivities.

Who will ask whom? What will they wear? Will they be renting a stretch limo or a stretch Hummer limo? Oh, the problems these poor deprived youths have. Its shameful!

A quick side trip: Let's examine the names of our three male leads, shall we? Grant, Chase, and Clay. We've got two verbs, and a soil used to make pots. What a collection. We might as well name them Bounce, Hammer, and Adobe.

Anyway, the excitement is super palpable and the kids all make these grand gestures just to ask each other to prom. Its really quite cute. And by cute I mean nauseating. And by nauseating I mean it makes me want to jam my thumbs into my eyeballs.

So the pairings end up like this:
Chrissy and Clay - duh.
Allie and Chase - um, ok.
Grant and Sasha - ugh.

Newport Harbor is truly mindless television. You literally have to turn your brain off and sit in a catatonic state, drool dripping from your chin, just to stomach the incessant chatter and meaningless conversations that encompass the show.

That being said, I have to note that episode four was hands down the worst fucking piece of shit I have ever seen. I had to watch it twice just to remember what happened because I was so far into my induced stupor that I forgot what the hell was going on. It was a waste of an hour of my life that I will never get back, ever again.

Here is what happened during this complete waste of consciousness. Chrissy and Chase made out last week so Allie decided that since Chrissy clearly doesn't like Clay that she will ask him on a date. They go mini golfing. It is very exciting. Lots of "Oh nos" and "Shut ups" compiling the majority their conversation.

Wow. So much happened on Newport Harbor last night. Its getting hard to keep up with all of the drama and refrain from vomiting all over the front of myself. So here we go again with the monotony and stupidity of this fucking show.

Episode three begins with a bang. Chase breaks up with Taylor because he is "getting tired of always having to check in" and "tired of this girlfriend stuff." Taylor doesn't seem fazed by this in the least and goes with the flow with no argument. Perhaps that's because she knows Chase is a huge douche bag.

Anyway, it comes out that apparently this guy Chase has a bitter enemy named Grant and Grant is best friends with Clay. So Clay talks Grant into asking Taylor out since she just broke up with Chase. Grant complies.

Here is how Grant asks Taylor out:

"What up Tay Tay?" he asks.
"Nothing," she answers.
"I was thinking about getting dinner."
"What time?"
"Seven."
"OK. See ya."

It's almost poetic. Almost.

Well, the verdict is in. Newport Harbor: The Real OC episode two was almost as stupid as episode one. Almost.

Where we last left off, our friends Clay and Allie were meeting up for what we could only assume was a late night make-out session. This was scandalous behavior because Clay had just come super close to making out with Chrissy but stopped because it would be too much drama, you know, with Chrissy's dad calling her every five minutes and all.

Episode two picks up with Allie meeting up with her friend who doesn't matter to the story line to plan a pretty-in-pink party.

"Like after the movie?" her non-important friend asks.

"There was a movie called that? Oh my God! I didn't know that!" Allie responds.

I hate them.

Holy shit. I watched the premiere episode of Newport Harbor: The Real OC on MTV last night and boy do I have piles of nifty information to report back to our readers who aren't lame enough to watch this crap on television themselves.

Lets start with a breakdown of the characters to make this easier, shall we?

The lead character and narrator is Chrissy who looks like Denise Richards' bastard twin. She's an only child with an overly-concerned father who calls her every five minutes to check in. Chrissy has a crush on Clay, her next-door neighbor. He is supposedly the "hottest guy" at Newport Harbor (Ahem. I completely disagree. Face like a frying pan).

Allie is the the bitch of the show, platinum blond with big boobs. Your basic reality TV villain. She loves male attention and complains when she doesn't get it.

Chase and Taylor are friends who hang out with the group but don't matter yet and Sasha is Chrissy's best friend.

Now here's the episode recap. It begins with Chrissy and Shasha hangin' at the tennis court, swinging their rackets and chatting away about the boys. Ohhhhhh, Chrissy has a crush on Chase! But what's this? The next scene depicts Allie laying-out and telling some non-reoccurring friend that she likes Chase too! D.R.A.M.A.

You can just smell the trouble brewing as the kids all prepare to take a co-ed trip (that's boys AND girls) to Palm Springs minus parental supervision! Wait. Strike that. Chrissy's super-overprotective father has decided to tag along so that he can supervise. Bum sauce.

Congrats to PETA Vice President (and Costa Mesa' own) Dan Mathews, whom Out Magazine named the 37th-most powerful gay in America earlier this month in its annual list of America's 50 most powerful gays. Buy Mathews' memoir, Committed: A Rabble-Rouser's Memoir, today. Congrats of a different sort are in order for Anaheim-reared Dustin "Screech from Saved by the Bell" Diamond, whom the Boston Phoenix deemed the 28th-most unsexiest man in America this week; he finished just above J-Lo's uglier half Marc Anthony and right below Mr. Blackwell. The Phoenix was harsh on Screech, describing him as a "shockingly deviant, cretinous former child star," but we're sure Screech doesn't care: the man is too busy scamming fans again.

You remember Goat Boy, don't you? The former Orange County resident who might have been part of an OC Al-Qaeda cell but now spends his days making scary videos about our impending doom? He's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Mitch Hurwitz, the pride of Estancia High who created the fab but now sadly departed Arrested Development, which had been the best show set in Orange County until that reality knock-off Coto de Desperate Housewives came out, tells Entertainment Weekly that wrestling and an animated Saturday morning cartoon called Arrested Development Babies may be in his future.

He's kidding about at least one of those.

There is one telling quote, though. Hurwtiz tells the interviewer that it was not Fox pulling the plug on his show so much as his running out of good enough ideas to maintain the high quality. "I did look into whether there was enough financial incentive to say, 'To hell with health, to hell with my family, and to hell with fans' expectations for quality. Is there enough money to let me sell out and do this?' And I'm happy to say there wasn't."