THIS WEEK'S MOST EMBARRASSING REGISTER MOMENT
So we return from a nice, much-needed vacation to find that just when the Register couldn't possibly get any suckier, it goes off and does exactly that with their “My Incredibly Cute Baby” contest.
And to think we actually thought that the editors of OC's fishwrap-of-record were finished humiliating themselves and their staff of tired, chronically demoralized associates (we know, we regularly get the sad, pained e-mails from Reggie peons begging to come and work at the Weekly) with their Sexiest Pussy contest (or Cutest Cat, whatever), now comes this “Cute Baby” abortion (no pun intended, though it is pretty funny).
Really, how low can the Reggie go with this blatant pandering in an effort to drive as many eyeballs as possible to their website? Why don't they just stop dicking around and stage the inevitable Orange County's Best Tits or Plumpest Vagina contest, if they're really serious about stacking the numbers? We suspect that eventually they will—they're just waiting for their last Laguna Woods subscriber to die off. In the meantime, they'll willfully engage in gratuitous child exploitation by using innocent babies (some of which, judging by the posted pics, are actually far from any definition of “cute”—for your next contest, Reggie, howzabout one called “Babies That Would've Been Better Off Stillborn?”
Now, we have to say here that the foul Reggie is only partly to blame for this grotesque marketing display. We also have to flip the finger to the parents of these over 800 babies who have been entered in the contest so far for having such low self-esteem that they feel the need to live out their lifelong failures by attempting to attain a sense of accomplishment through their kids. They're stage parents, basically—mothers who in just a few years will force their kids into those freakish kiddie beauty pageants (JonBenet Ramsey style!), and dads who'll respond to their son's first Little League strikeout by running up and punching the umpire in the ballsack.
We can't wait for the Reggie's inevitable Cute Puppy contest—except they already did one.