The 20 Best Lines From Matt Coker's Much-Missed A Clockwork Orange Column

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The following appeared in Matt Coker's column A Clockwork Orange, which ran from 1996 to 2003. His hilarity still appears daily on Navel Gazing.

Nov. 21, 1996: "There's got to be a morning after," a wooden Carol Lynley lip-synchs in The Poseidon Adventure. Since the sappy tune comes from a disaster flick, it's the perfect post-election theme song for some of A Clockwork Orange's favorite politicians, like Curt Pringle. Hah! Anal rashes have lasted longer than the Garden Grove Republican's Assembly speakership.

Nov. 29, 1996: Fox News at Ten unleashed a bombshell: "Thousands of Southland teens have found a new place to party," anchorwoman Susan Hirasuna said with a startled gleam in her eye. "They call it TJ--for Tijuana." Whoa, teens in Tijuana? And they use this sort of hipster code word, TJ? Now that's news.

Feb. 21, 1997: In Newport Beach, you can pull your luxury car out of your gated temple of self-indulgence in the morning; pop over to Newport Center to have your nails done, the bikini wax applied and the fat sucked out of your thighs; and still keep that noon lunch date with the bitch screwing your husband.


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An Oral History of OC Weekly on the Occasion of Its 20th Anniversary: An Introduction

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PROLOGUE

A friend who recently moved back to Portland after a few years in OC explained before she left, "You know those shoppers at the Korean department store that collapsed, where the water pipes had been cracking, the floor was buckling, and they just ignored it and kept shopping till they were crushed? That's the way it feels to me here."

The county's broke. Everyone with money or reason has hauled ass out of here for saner climes. Our sports teams abandon us. Our military bases close. Our social services attrit. We catch fire. We get flooded. Carl's burgers splatter on our shoes! So, okay, we're in hell, which at least goes a long way toward explaining why Bob Dornan represents us.
--Jim Washburn, in his first Lost In OC column, Sept. 15, 1995
*****


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An Oral History of OC Weekly, Part 1: Sept. 15, 1995-Sept. 2000

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Stern Publishing--owned by Leonard Stern, a pet-food magnate whose Hartz Mountain corporation controlled 70 percent of the pet-supply market--bought the Village Voice, the nation's oldest alternative weekly, in 1983. In 1994, Stern purchased the LA Weekly, which then set its sights on Orange County. . . .

Michael Sigman, LA Weekly/OC Weekly publisher, 1983-2002: The crass but simple answer [why OC Weekly was created] is that big advertisers in LA Weekly like Tower Records said they'd advertise in an Orange County edition. Before Leonard bought us, there were several years of exploratory machinations and research, but we never had the funding or authorization. And even though other people had explored it and had decided it wasn't such a good idea, it seemed obvious to us that it had potential. There was never any question in my mind that we could do a successful paper. After we were bought, the mandate was "Let's get OC Weekly started as soon as possible." I remember having serious conversations with [the late New York Times media critic] David Carr about the position [of editor], and there were probably one or two others, but I can't remember anyone else being a serious candidate. And then there was Will.

Nathan Callahan, OC Weekly contributor, 1995-2004: Will and I had worked on a little zine back in the early '90s, The County, and we tried to cover OC as much as we could. It came out sporadically and slammed everyone from Irvine City Councilman Dave Baker to Jerry Brown. And when [Will] heard about the editor job, it went from there.

Will Swaim, OC Weekly founding editor, 1995-2007: I was working at Entrepreneur, a business magazine, and a friend of mine said she had heard of LA Weekly starting something in Orange County. At the time, the landscape was littered with a whole bunch of attempts to start alt-weeklies here, and they had all been grotesquely underfunded or weren't very good.

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An Oral History of OC Weekly, Part 2: September 2000-September 2005

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The Weekly began its second five years in September 2000 with a new ownership group. In two months, a new president is elected--kind of. In one year, two buildings fall in New York, and the build-up to wars in Afghanistan and Iraq would follow, and then the bombs rain. But through the national and international turmoil, the Weekly keeps chugging, reflecting on big issues while still focusing on local ones.

Michael Sigman: Leonard [Stern] was a business genius. He sold the paper at the absolute top of the market, right before the dot-com crash, for a tremendous amount of money. And the people who bought it were heavily leveraged, and it was making a lot of money, but they bought it based on it making more money. LA Weekly and OC Weekly still made a tremendous amount of money for the next two years, but it wasn't enough. So they made a lot of changes throughout the company. Pretty much got rid of everyone. [Sigman left the company in 2002.]

Shelle Murach, PR/special events coordinator, 1998-2003: Under Stern, we were owned by that family, and they were fantastic and very supportive. The paper was growing, there was a lot of support in Orange County, and we really expanded into a lot of things we wanted to do. Then we were sold to Village Voice Media, and it was just different. Things were becoming more corporate, and there were a lot of impacts because of what the economy was going through. After 9/11, we saw a huge decline in advertising, so there were a lot of changes as far as the whole industry.

In April 2000, a writer who would later make an impact on the county appeared.

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An Oral History of OC Weekly, Part 3: September 2005-October 2010

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OC Weekly's 10th-anniversary edition, a 154-page tome, hit the streets Sept. 9, 2005, as one of America's most beloved cities was drowning. Rebecca Schoenkopf wrote the introductory column, subheaded "It's hard to celebrate 10 years of the Weekly when you're busy hating the president." Little did the Weeklings know the paper would soon descend into its own murky waters.

Matt Coker: One thing they always told us is "We'll never sell you guys to the New Times." We had heard all these horror stories about the New Times. A big part of it was Lowery and Wielenga had worked for New Times Los Angeles and had horrible experiences. And the two chains seemed to hate each other. They seemed bitter rivals. [David] Schneiderman always said, "Don't worry. We'll never sell you to the New Times." So what happened? They sold us to the New Times.

Technically, it was a merger. On Oct. 24, 2005, Village Voice Media, which owned OC Weekly and five other papers, announced it had reached an agreement to be acquired by New Times Media, which began in 1971 with a paper in Phoenix and had grown to 11 across the country. Once sworn adversaries, the two chains had apparently grown closer since 2002, when a deal they'd reached to shut down papers in Los Angeles and Cleveland was blocked by the Justice Department, which charged them with collusion. The new company retained the name Village Voice Media.

Coker: I don't know. Maybe once their lawyers started talking, they started liking each other more?

Michael Sigman: I wasn't remotely surprised. They had been salivating for LA Weekly for many years and had started a paper in Los Angeles to compete with it, which was not successful. It was their dream to build a national network of papers, but without Los Angeles and New York, they could never have accomplished that. They were serious bidders when Leonard [Stern] sold the papers [in 2000], but they weren't the winner. But they kept trying, and to me, it was inevitable that it would happen.

Rebecca Schoenkopf: First they fucked up The Village Voice, then they moved onto LA Weekly. We thought we were safe. We were very profitable. We had a very lean operation, but even so, we weren't doing it in their very formulaic, jigsaw-puzzle sort of way, so that was not acceptable.

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An Oral History of OC Weekly, Part 4: October 2010-???

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In which the helm of the Weekly returns to the hands of some O.G.s, new voices with new stories to tell arrive, much hell is raised anew, and while fuck is still printed, pendejo now reigns supreme

As the Weekly began the fourth part of its 20-year history, times were tough. The dual forces of the Internet and the Great Recession, which were beginning to eviscerate nearly every print-based publication, were keenly felt. The staff had never been trimmer. The page count had never been smaller. Morale had never been lower. But those who were there, as well as those who joined, remained committed to documenting stories that reflected and praised, castigated and satirized the county they were in. And though things would become even more tumultuous over the next year, a page was about to be turned. . . .

Matt Coker: I didn't have the big problem with Ted that everyone did. Maybe the biggest thing is that it always seemed he said no to every story I pitched: "No, no, no." It was like you had to change the editor's mind. Obviously, he said yes to some things, but that's what it felt like to me.

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Random Things Famous People Have Said About OC Weekly

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We could fill a whole issue with valentines and nastiness written about us, but we've only got a rail. The following are just some of the many things famous people and publications have said about us over the years.

"A paper for fags and communists." --Anonymous Republican staffer, printed in the Weekly's first-anniversary issue

"That paper is Satan's instrument. That is an evil paper spreading infected bodily fluids all over this county." --Former U.S. Congressman Bob Dornan

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Kurt Sipolski Writes a Touching Memoir ... and of Getting Screwed Over by Dan Harkey

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Photo courtesy of Kurt Sipolski
A judge says Dan Harkey must pay Kurt Sipolski thousands. Harkey would rather pay lawyers to avoid doing that, so Sipolski is selling his furniture online to get by.
You'll love the photo on the next page from former state legislator out of Dana Point Diane Harkey, who is currently the 4th District member of the California Board of Equalization, a.k.a. the state tax board. The photo shows a group of senior citizens smiling to go along with an article posted on Harkey's BOE page, "Senior Citizens Day: Recognizing Our Most Golden Citizens." Not smiling among them is golden citizen Kurt Sipolski, who a judge long ago ruled is owed six figures from Harkey's estranged husband Dan. Sipolski, who lives mostly off Social Security in Palm Desert, is now selling his furniture on craigslist to survive.

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State Sen. Pat Bates Fights Drones (The Flying Kind)

Categories: Politics

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Photo by flickr user Andy Simonds
Which way to the fire?
Just to be clear, the drone ban being sought by state Sen. Patricia Bates has nothing to do with limiting the floor speeches of Rep. Ed Royce (R-Fullerton). No, the Laguna Niguel Republican has instead co-authored a bill that would make it a crime to fly a drone over a wildfire.

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Does An Influential Newport Coast Conservative Publisher Have A Deep Secret?

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Illustration by Jeff Drew
Perched on Southern California's most breathtaking hillside real estate overlooking Pacific Coast Highway, 9 Pelicans Drive in Newport Coast appears to be the epitome of idyllic, worry-free living. The $21 million, three-story, Palladian-style house on 25,000 square feet contains five bedrooms, eight bathrooms, 400 feet of unobstructed sea views to Catalina Island, a grand staircase, two bars, a wine cellar, eight marble fireplaces, 14-foot ceilings, a gourmet kitchen, a swimming pool, fountains, a terrace, an elevator, $4.8 million worth of art and a movie theater. To lessen the burdens of occupying such a residence, the owner, Thomas Lee Phillips, employed a British-born butler and 14 other house servants, one of whom chauffeured him in a Rolls-Royce to swank restaurants, political events or his $14 million, oceanfront "beach house" 11 minutes away in the most exclusive section of Corona del Mar.

But the luxurious, gated-community setting is hardly scandal-free. In fact, life inside the mansion has produced enough intrigue to fill several seasons of television's raciest soap opera. The themes are sex, money, power, jarring hypocrisy and seemingly endless backstabbing plots that snared the local district attorney's chief of staff, as well as two model-handsome males, one a CBS Big Brother contestant and the other a Los Angeles rhythm-and-blues singer who appeared on Soul Train.

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