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Spook-Hunting

Posted by Alex Brant-Zawadzki in Main

October 18, 2006 1:10 PM

Permalink | Comments (3)

Are you tired of the police always busting up your drug-running operation? Would you like to be provided with top-notch military equipment? Ever feel like the people fighting America's enemies in South America could use a bit more heavy weaponry? Then the CIA is definitely for you.

Here at the CIA we're not afraid to get our hands dirty - provided we're wearing scary black gloves so as to leave no prints, of course! When you're not running guns and drugs to various exotic locales, intimidating former CIA contractors or helping assassinate iconic Argentinian-born revolutionaries with monosyllabic names, you might even get to try and influence U.S. foreign policy. And don't worry; if the White House or the President himself doesn't listen to your legitimate warnings about imminent terrorist threats to America, or how Saddam didn't have WMDs, you can always kick back by waterboarding prisoners in one of our numerous secret prisons scattered across the globe. Did I mention we even give out LSD?
Recently our West Coast recruiter Mike Mau, during an Oct. 17 recruitment seminar at Cal State Fullerton, described our corporate ethos:

"Our job was once like following one giant whale in the ocean. But now it's like following 20 sharks in different oceans, never knowing which one might bite."

We've learned that the Captain Ahab strategy doesn't work; for one, everybody thinks you're insane. Nowadays we have more of a Chief Brody approach. Anyone unfamiliar with Roy Scheider's role in Jaws need not apply. Of the 30 students who attended the seminar, two were quoted in the Register: Gabriel Figueroa, 26, and Celeste Mayhew, 21. Don't make the same mistake as these two; keep a low profile and keep your name out of the newspaper. Otherwise you'll end up like Valerie Plame.

If you think you can make the cut, contact us at www.cia.gov, or visit our headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

The CIA: And you shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free - unless you're in one of our secret prisons!

 

Comments (3)

  1. G says:
    July 22, 2007 03:33

    You're such a moron. I don't know how the CIA can put up with serving Americans like you. You should be ashamed, Alex. You should be ashamed.

  2. Alex Brant-Zawadzki says:
    July 23, 2007 22:27

    Ashamed of what? The secret prisons? The water-boarding? The inability to let other governments sort out their problems on their own? The coups? The assassinations? The inability to assassinate Castro? Working with the Mafia? I could go on but I'm on vacation so please specify.
    Mahalo, man.

  3. Anonymous says:
    June 24, 2008 08:56

    Valerie Plame was an actual spy in the CIA... I am not even in the organization period. I was just expressing my slight interest in the organization and I wasn't even interested in becoming a spy you dumb ass!

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