Tired (literally) of dragging your sorry ass out of bed at 5 a.m. Monday through Friday to crank out another 500 words on your first (second, third) novel? Sinking facedown onto the desk at work by mid-afternoon because of sleep deprivation?

Your problems are over.

At last night’s Orange County Press Club - “Journalists Turned Authors / How You Can Live Your Fantasy Life!” - Orange Coast magazine’s editor-at-large Martin J. Smith offered the perfect solution.

During one period in his nine years at the The Orange County Register, Smith couldn’t figure out what the feature writer in the next cubicle was actually doing all day. Sure, the guy was pounding away at his keyboard, but he never seemed to actually get anything in the paper.

All was revealed when the industrious chap suddenly announced one day that he’d just sold his first novel. The guy? Robert Ferrigno. The novel? The Horse Latitudes. The publisher advance (with eventual foreign rights)? Almost $500,000. Time magazine hailed it as “the most memorable fiction debut of the season.”

So, there you have it. Get your eight hours a night, write your book at work while pulling down a paycheck, become rich and famous. If your boss is less than amused by your sudden non-productivity, bribe him with the promise of an effulgent dedication as a patron of the arts. (Hey, might work!)

Smith, author of three crime novels and two nonfiction books, Steven Thomas (former OC Metro editor; author of Criminal Paradise), Carol Lachnit (executive editor at Crain’s Workforce Management; author of four mystery novels) and moderator Michael C. Carroll, author of LAB 257, had a wealth of valuable advice and encouragement for the wannabes in the audience.

Wanna find literary agents who represent your kind of writing? Go to your library or bookstore and check the dedications by people who write your kind of stuff – most of them thank their agents. Bingo!

Now, I just need some advice about wallpapering my bathroom with the agent rejection letters spurred by my serial killer/Death Wish meets The Crying Game/sexual identity twist/police procedural. I’m at 17 and counting. Do I paste them up chronologically, in descending order of form-letter-uninterest and/or condescension, or spread the rest around the two beauties that not only rejected my blood, sweat and copious tears but had the world-class gall to try to sell me a book on how to write a book?

For Buena Park's James Ochoa, the indescribable agony of spending 16 months locked in the Orange County Jail and a California prison for crimes he did not commit is a bit less painful today.

This afternoon, a state board in Sacramento voted 3 to 0 to award Ochoa nearly $30,000 in compensation in one of the final chapters of a bizarre law enforcement case. (Witnesses at the scene say board member Rosario Marin, a member of the governor's cabinet, argued against the payment but must have recorded a favorable vote to join State Controller John Chiang and San Bernardino County District Attorney Michael Ramos. California law permits wrongfully imprisoned people to apply for a $100-per-day fee for time spent in prison. Time in county lockup doesn't count.

"It's like a miracle," Ochoa lawyer Scott Borthwick said immediately after the hearing. "Every step of the way James had been screwed by government authorities. Finally, this board stood up and did the right thing."

In 2005, police arrested and prosecutors charged Ochoa—then 20 years old—for a robbery/carjacking near a Buena Park nightclub. A pre-trial article in the Weekly demonstrated numerous gaping holes in the government's case, and yet law enforcement officers refused to drop it. Most significantly, DNA evidence left at the scene of the crime did not match Ochoa. There were also substantial questions surrounding the competence and integrity of a police dog handler. In the middle of the trial, Superior Court Judge Robert Fitzgerald pressured Ochoa to accept a two-year prison deal by threatening to send him away for the rest of his life if a jury found him guilty. Over Borthwick's objections, Ochoa took the deal. Justice arrived 16 months after the ordeal began when crime lab officials matched the DNA from the crime to a prisoner sitting in the Los Angeles County Jail. Fitzgerald quickly released Ochoa from prison.

Earlier this year, the Weekly revealed that prior to trial prosecutors had asked the crime lab to alter its findings that Ochoa was excluded as a source of the DNA. You can read that story here.

The Innocence Project, by famed defense lawyers Barry C. Scheck and Peter J. Neufeld, features the case on its website.

Ochoa's civil rights lawsuit is set for trial in federal court on May 20 in the Ronald Reagan Federal Court Building.

--R. Scott Moxley / OC Weekly

Lieutenant Governor John Garamendi has just fragged Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger over the 241 (Foothill-South) toll road. The road, proposed by the Irvine-based Transportation Corridor Agencies, would cut through the Donna O'Neill Land Conservancy, itself mitigation for the Talega development, and the inland portion of San Onofre State Beach, not to mention disturb a site sacred to the Juaneno Band of Mission Indians.

In Vietnam, it was not unheard of for unhappy soldiers to toss a fragmentation grenade into the tent of, or "frag," the lieutenant or commanding officer. The enemy could always be blamed, and while it did not guarantee superior leadership in the future, at least it made for a nice change of pace.

Garamendi, along with State Senate President pro tem Don Perata, Senate Natural Resources Committee Chairman Darrell Steinberg and Senator Christine Kehoe, signed a letter to U.S. Secretary of Commerce Carlos M. Gutierrez. (Download file)They made three simple demands:

1) You reject TCA’s appeal and uphold the California Coastal Commission’s legitimate authority to deny consistency certification for the Foothill-South Toll Road; 2) Should you take up the issue, hold a public hearing in Southern California and extend the public comment period accordingly; and 3) You prohibit federal agencies from meeting or negotiating with the TCA on this matter while the appeal is pending.

The last politicians who vocally opposed the toll road, Santa Monica City Council Bobby Shriver and his former colleague on the State Parks Commission Clint Eastwood (that's right, Dirty Harry fights to protect dirt), were not asked back to their seats on the Commission. But luckily these new politicians are not the Governor's appointees, and cannot be unjustly sacked in such a fashion.

Governor Schwarzenegger remained publicly undecided about the toll road for years before sending the Coastal Commission a letter of support for the project in the run-up to their February meeting in Del Mar, at which they soundly vetoed the project to the tune of an 8-2 vote against as well as a ruthless grilling and embarrassment of the TCA's new Grand Poo-bah, Tom Margro.

Margro recently penned a Sacramento Bee editorial purported to be a response to the Bee's criticism of Schwarzenegger's replacement of Shriver and Eastwood, but in fact it amounted to little more than the same tired old lines TCA hacks have parroted for decades.

What is much more intriguing is the request that the TCA not meet or negotiate with federal agencies until this is all over. Watch for more on THAT juicy piece of meat.

(Digg this post HERE)

This Saturday Golden West College is hosting an Impeachment Forum. Details follow below the e-fold, but the method of delivery for this information was quite novel indeed.

Quite novel indeed? Who am I, Jeeves?

Anyway, I received an e-mail from the one, the only, Thu-Trang Tran, the indefatigable force behind OC-RAP and the issuer of the following challenge:

What do counter-military recruitment and impeachment have in common? Give up? Our government couldn't care less about either one! OK, that didn't come out as clever as I thought it would, so let's do this—if you can reply to this e-mail cogently exploring the connection between CR (or the militarization of public education) AND impeachment, I will personally treat you out to coffee and dessert. Your "argument" could draw from your own body of knowledge, research, conversations, community forums like the one announced below, or any combo thereof. Bon chance!

-- Thu-Trang for OC Recruitment Awareness Project
(714) 649-0501 info line | www.oc-rap.org

Well, peoples, folk, and/or countrypersons? Do you think there is any connection between counter-recruitment efforts and impeachment? I suppose both involve concern over the nature of public service and what we both can and should ask from those who serve the public.

Talk amongst yourselves, and read on for details on this weekend's Impeachment Forum. (And a regularly-scheduled OC-RAP meeting, too!)

If you are an average, everyday Joe with a crappy job who drinks to relieve his sorrow and gets busted for DUI when only slightly over the punitive limit, I might feel sorry for you, provided no-one was hurt by your actions.

If you are a huge rock star who could easily afford not only a cab but your own personal driver, and you insist on driving intoxicated anyway -- with minors in the car, no less! -- you are doubly dumb and should be made an example of.

Yes, Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi, it's your life, it's now or never, but never say goodbye to sobriety behind the wheel, or your life won't be a bed of roses. You may think you're living life in a blaze of glory, but you'll find that jail is some bad medicine.

Perhaps bad medicine is what you need.

Republican presidential candidate and war-lover, John McCain, will be in our neck of the woods tomorrow to rub elbows (raise money) with the rich folks whom he will help make richer if he takes office in 2008.

McCain's meeting with the GOP big bucks will take place at the Island Hotel in Newport Beach where they will drink wine, eat bite-sized pieces of cheese and discuss whether McCain has discovered the difference between the Sunni and the Shi’a yet. Our money is on no.

Meanwhile, OC's Young Democrats will be outside picketing the event and urge others to join in on the fun. If interested contact Carlos Camacho at Carlos@oclabor.org or at 714-385-1534 or just show up with a sign at noon. The hotel's address is 690 Newport Center Drive, Newport Beach.

Holding a gun with both hands sent sensations racing down his spine to a semi-firm point between his legs. Gordon Dillow wanted to moan—purr, really—like he did in the privacy of his home. But he’d been warned twice before about fondling weapons inside Orange County Register headquarters. There was also the problem of his co-workers: in his mind, a bunch of unapologetic liberals, women, homosexuals, Jews and "gooks."** He knew they didn’t sympathize with the depths of his love for men in uniform, weapons, badges, boots, steel neck collars and cop domination techniques—particularly ones performed on young brown people who haven't yet learned to quickly salute state authority.

Dillow’s memory flashed to the time in the men’s room when he had reached out to another Register employee in hopes of finding an ideological soul mate. The man flushed, called him a “sick douche bag” and stormed out. Weeks later the Pentagon’s PR unit sent Dillow to Iraq under the ruse that he was an independent embedded journalist. Men. Uniforms. Weapons. Heat. Torture. Dead civilians. He felt so blessed he tried to stay indefinitely.

But that was several years ago. Dillow gripped the gun tightly, squeezed his eyelids and recalled his favorite photograph: a smirking, erect Heinrich Himmler, dressed spectacularly in a Nazi uniform and surrounded by shirtless males ready to obey. He sighed and let his mind wonder about the possibility of a master race.

A tingling returned. He rolled his chair over to his office door and quietly locked it shut. Deadline for his next column was 15 minutes away. What could he write about? Cops? Soldiers? Cop/soldiers? A coin flip wouldn’t help.

His eyes searched his office in hopes of sparking an idea. A Donna Summer song played softly in the background. There--partially hidden underneath his prized copy of a My Lai massacre movie (actual footage!) and a stack of photographs he’d secretly taken of men entering an Army recruiting station in Stanton on successive Saturdays--he found inspiration: a Register crime story. I’ll let him tell describe his excitement:

“It happened earlier this month in Irvine,” Dillow wrote for today’s column. “Police were looking for a man suspected of raping an 18-year-old woman in her home. As the cops searched, the fleeing suspect, a 27-year-old L.A. gang member, tried to hide by breaking into another home. Inside, the homeowner, a man who had recently undergone defensive firearms training, heard the commotion, grabbed a handgun and confronted the suspect.”

Men. Uniforms. Gun. Action.

Dillow swiveled repeatedly in his seat, purred and looked over his shoulder. Yes, the office door remained shut. In the distance he heard Tony Saavedra snoring, Frank Mickadeit bragging about his own popularity and Martin Wisckol slowly repeating a series of orders from GOP boss Mike Schroeder. Even for Dillow, those noises were troublesome. He re-focused his attention on the rapist article.

“Well, I don’t have enough space to go into all the Second Amendment arguments,” he wrote. “But to me it’s obvious that a homeowner in Irvine or any other law-abiding citizen has a constitutional right to have a firearm.”

Dillow finished typing and smiled. His left hand dropped to his lap region. Nobody—not a single person on the entire planet—had argued that this homeowner wasn’t legally entitled to possess a gun or use it in self-defense. The 57-year-old columnist marveled at his ability to produce imaginary dilemmas. And get paid! For the first time since the California Supreme Court strengthened police secrecy and lethal force laws, Dillow laughed out loud, packed up and went to CVS to buy more hand lotion.

-- R. Scott Moxley / OC Weekly

**In a column, Dillow once admitted "there was a time when I called [Vietnamese] gooks without so much as a second thought." Repentant? Nope. Later, in 1999, he defended--imagine this!--caucasian police officers in Orange County's Little Saigon calling Vietnamese Americans "gooks."

Los Angeles Times staff writer Christian Berthelsen, in a piece of writing I can't quite classify (was it a news story? commentary? satire?), titled "OC how far they'll go to be hip," somehow worked nearly every tired text messaging joke from those AT&T wireless commercials into a barely concealed hostile barrage of smug assholery against our fair county and its arguably misguided branding attempts to make everything "OC."

Get your bucket, (keep in mind, this ran on the front page of the Orange County edition) here's an example of Berthlesen's acerbic wit:

OMG!

Seeking to capitalize on its TV fame as America's quintessential suburb, Orange County moved to rename its government functions Tuesday with slicked-up, simplified names to remind everyone of exactly where they are: The OC!

. . .

Whatev! Supervisors voted 4 to 1, with Bates opposed, to keep it OC Parks. Guess they won't be BFFs 4-eva.

Har-dy, har har. The reporter decided that the best way to rip into Orange County's notorious pop-culture whoredom was by comparing us to a bunch of txt messaging 12-year-olds.

WTF?

Just like every other self-righteous prick who tries to reduce Orange County into one monotonous 3 million person suburb of Hollywood, using the much maligned Beverly Hills 90210 knock-off known as "The OC" as evidence, Berthelsen has his head so far up his own ass that he fails to see that simplifying the words Orange and County to OC is not only rad, but also gnarly.

One thing in life is certain: kids friggin' love bubbles. Another slightly less certain fact: They also tend to enjoy elephants. This prompted 15-time Guinness World Record holding bubble craftsman Fan Yang to attempt to puncture yet another world bubble record by placing one of the world's largest land mammals inside a bubble at Discovery Science Center's 12th annual Bubblefest extravaganza.

Too bad that pesky Los Angeles Times reporter Tony Barboza decided to stick his nose in the middle of it and ruin everything!

The folks over at Surfrider Foundation are always working to clean up the ocean water from pollutants that degrade the environment, and they aren't alone.

The Weekly recently received an interesting email from Dave Bulleshat, a.k.a. the Poop Detective. His personal mission is to remind people why they should clean up after their dogs before that shit goes right into the ocean and harms human health. He even made a video about the subject.

"Poop contaminates our water supply," the poop detective's website says. "Rain often flushes pet waste left on trails, sidewalks, streets, and grassy areas into the nearest waterway (even if you can't see water near you, the feces go into your stormdrain)."

"They're going to ruin the best mall in Orange County, aren't they? I think they are."

That's how local blogger Julie Scott began her latest email to me, upon finding out that the Westminster Mall -- selected "Best Guy-Friendly Mall" in last year's "Best of OC" issue by me -- was due for a big, multi-million dollar "renovation."

Everything about the Westminster mall is too good to last -- the final outposts of favorite, nearly bankrupt chains like Spencer Gifts, Kay-Bee Toys, and Suncoast Movies, for example. And the changes, which the Register says are to give it a more "contemporary feel," don't sound too great either:

* Gutting the seating area of the food court and putting in upholstered booths and bar-style seating and getting rid of some columns to give it a more open feel.
* Replacing stucco at the facades of all entrances with glass and steel.
* Replacing metal blue picket railings with glass panes.
* Adding carpet to the majority of the first floor to minimize noise level.
* Constructing a family restroom/lounge
* Replacing three seating areas that have animal statues for kids with seating areas with leather chairs, wood coffee tables, area rugs and live plants. And the front of every department store will have this new seating space.
* Adding one children’s play area that’s identical to the one next to PacSun at The Shops at Mission Viejo, which is also owned by Simon.

It sounds like a Starbucks, not the malls I used to love as a kid. But everything I used to like about malls has gradually been eliminated. No toy stores, no record stores, no video stores these days -- just endless upscale women's clothing outlets, that, if one is lucky, feature a few bland, beige-ish designs for dudes. These changes indicate a desired clientele of rich mothers, and certainly not a pop-culture addicted clutter collector like myself. You want to please kids at a mall? Forget the lame-o "play area," and give them a place to buy toys and play video games. Give their dads somewhere to go too.

Guys spend money too, y'all. And kids spend allowance -- they're not old enough to order online because they don't have credit cards (we hope).

I fear another good one is biting the dust, if not literally than spiritually.

I knew Irvine cops had a rep for being tough, but this is ridiculous.

Cristine Gaiennie and her partner, Patsy Lovell, both employees of the Irvine Police Department, are the proud mothers of quadruplets. After conceiving their first child, son Jason, through artificial insemination, the couple decided to try for a sibling. Things got complicated, ovulation got induced, and kapow - four bundles of gurgling, crapping, pissing joy.

Doctors gave the ladies the opportunity to reduce the number of viable fetuses, but the pair said no after watching an ultrasound of the quadruplets. Surely they will be the next Pro-Life Poster Girls, no? I can't see anything stopping them.

Trust Reg readers to get all homophobic about what isn't more than a community feel-good tale.

badseed wrote: "That's nice. 5 kids will grow up without a father figure."

Luckily someone seems to be busily deleting the most hateful of the comments. Wouldn't want people to think we're a bunch of hateful bigots here in Orange County, after all. There are many more positive comments, such as:

letsgohalos wrote:
Cris & Patsy - God bless you and your babies! All of our prayers have been answered and you have given birth to four healthy beautiful babies. Love has surrounded them from the moment they were conceived. Please remember that you have friends and family that support you, love you and are here for you for whatever you need.

But my favorite? Oh, crap ... seems it's been deleted in between me starting this post and now. But it read something along the lines of "One boob for each baby!"

Photo by: Steve Zylius/OC Register

I love the signs in this one. "Bush is a Legitimate President" - even as support, isn't it kinda back-handed to suggest that would even need to be said? Hmm - time for my meds.

Tired of St. Patrick’s Day just being an excuse to see how much green beer you can chug before regurgitating on yourself/buddy/some 220-pound tattooed bouncer; out the driver’s window at a red light alongside a police car; the front door/kitchen floor/girlfriend’s cat?

Looking to do something constructive, something to help the less fortunate? Something that’ll give you a little exercise and fresh air, and still allow you to slurp a coupla cold ones while feeling good about yourself?

Get yourself and three co-workers down to beautiful Arroyo Trabuco Golf Club, Mission Viejo, on Monday, March 17, for the 5th Annual Coldwell Banker Orange County Company St. Patrick’s Day Golf Tournament. Shotgun start is at noon.

Boss doesn’t like the idea of your taking the day off to play golf? Tell him it benefits CASA of Orange County, a non-profit that trains community volunteers to serve as mentors and advocates for abused, neglected and abandoned children in the county’s foster system. Last year’s tourney raised a rather useful near-$26,000.

Thanks to Bob Squalonero for the initial observation.

There IS a strange resemblance btw. Monsignor John Urell and Faux News Commentator Sean Hannity. The squint, the eyebrows - even the hair is parted the same way. I've got goosebumps. At least I hope those are goosebumps.

Any thoughts? On the picture, not the bumps.

Courtesy of OC NORML:

“Safety and Courtesy Tips for the Beer Can Regatta”

So let it be written; so let it be done. Thursday Night's Beer Can Regattas in Newport Harbor may never be the same. A redraft of the entry form would shamelessly exclude the drunken and the ignorant. The Harbor Patrol and the Harbor Commission are hammering out a new-fangled version of Newport Harbor's Rules of the, er, Road. From The Log:

The proposed draft reminds entrants that Rules of the Road must be followed -- and that racers must be on the lookout for inexperienced boaters, communicate with other vessels to avoid collisions or misunderstandings, avoid commercial vessels and be aware of other nearby vessels at all times, whether racing or not. Guidelines for common courtesy for harbor users and the procedure for reporting accidents is also listed.

Common courtesy for other harbor users? Such as recognizing that sounds carry across water, and maybe not blasting Soulja Boy from your Duffy (which, by the way, cannot possibly constitute a booze-cruise) in the wee hours of the morning? One can only hope.

What about the emergency situations which apparently justify Harbor Patrol boats to rage through the channels, causing perhaps-deserved but unneccessary damage to docks, boats and property? What about the Harbor Patrol boat which killed Rupert, the beloved-yet-evil Australian black swan and unofficial mascot of the harbor, while speeding towards a dead body? Well of course the Sheriff's Department is concerned about speed. That is, they're concerned about racing yachts violating the speed limit, traditionally only observed for motor boats.

Harbor Commissioner Ralph Rodheim recommended that the city address the “speeding” issue by offering a special permit when races are held, allowing for higher speed in organized and controlled racing situations. “We can’t ask the Sheriff’s Department, in good conscience, to turn their heads” to unauthorized speed violations, he explained.

No worries, Commissioner Rondheim. You don't even have to ask them. It comes naturally.

Watch for more on this, and apologies to my family who have no knowledge of my writing and would prefer I be as polite as possible and observe the utmost decorum both on and off the water, as the Newport Harbor Yacht Club is a Corinthian club after all. Which I think means it has those flourish thingies at the top of its columns. Anyone want to clarify?

We offer our condolences to longtime Weekly photographer John Gilhooley, whose stepdaughter Paige D'Agostino passed away last Friday.

"She received a heart transplant in 2000 and after 7 plus years she had a heart attack and did not make it. Paige was 18," writes John.

There will be a memorial concert for her in Sunset Beach on Sunday, and you're all invited to come and perhaps make a donation to help the family with her medical bills. Details below:

Check out our cover boys the Holechek brothers as they pose for pictures and direct some pick-up shots for the movie:

Apparently it's not just happy cows that come from California.The Times reported earlier today that the state Department of Public Health has released a list of Southern California food retailers linked to the Chino-based slaughterhouse responsible for the largest beef recall in United States history.

The USDA ordered the recall of 143 million pounds of beef Sunday after the Humane Society released a video of workers at the Westland/Hallmark Meat Co. shoving sick and/or crippled cows with forklifts, shocking them with electric prods, dragging them with chains and shooting water up their poor little cow noses.

While no illnesses have been linked to the recalled beef, it may still be nice to know if that steak you ate two weeks ago came from the Chino plant or if it came from a happier slaughterhouse on another side of the dead animal rainbow.

To view the Times article and list of restaurants click here.

With 7,100 Starbucks locations closing tonight at 5:30 for a three-hour, nationwide "training session," what's a coffee addict to do?

There are dozens of local coffeehouses that should be cashing in and welcoming new costumers. A few worth a visit:

• Kean Coffee, 2043 Westcliff Dr., Ste. 100, Newport Beach, (949) 642-5326.

• Gypsy Den, 2930 Bristol St., Ste. B102, Costa Mesa, (714) 549-7012. Also at 125 N. Broadway Ave., Santa Ana, (714) 835-8840.

• Avanti Cafe, 259 E. 17th St., Costa Mesa, (949) 548-2224.

• Tulley's Coffee, 4610 Barranca Pkwy., Irvine, (949) 451-6855.

• Alta Coffee & Roasting Co., 506 31st St., Newport Beach, (949) 675-0233.

• Kelly's Coffee, 1801 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 621-0471. Also at 4341 Macarthur Blvd., Newport Beach, (949) 475-9288.

Where will you be getting your caffeine fix?

Well, the good news is the Register finally took down those "Our marriage is great because of M.E.!" click-thru marriage education ads, which have recently tortured anyone attempting to access the paper online. Guess someone found them tasteless, considering.

The bad news?

In case you hadn't heard, on Saturday night Orlando Cho of Yorba Linda shot and killed his wife and three of his four children. The fourth child, 14-year-old Ian Mercado, is recovering from a gunshot wound to the torso. Read to the bottom for details on how to donate to Ian's cause.

The killings are described as the worst in Orange County's recent history - debatable. What's not debatable is that the Register is taking an impressive amount of flak over their so-called flawed coverage of the story.

From the very first comment once the story went on-line, readers expressed their indignation:

canyonrob wrote:

Why do CNN and the San Diego U-T both have larger, more detailed stories about this local event than the Register...and why is this not on the front page? If someone from another city was to come here looking for more information on this story, they'd be seriously disappointed. Great LOCAL coverage, Register...keep up the bad work!

bronsonator wrote:

I agrew with canyonrob. I wrote the editor at OCR (via email) with this at about 8:50 this morning: A murder – suicide leaving 5 dead in Brea happens at 11PM Saturday night. On Sunday morning, not only was it not in your paper (deadlines, I know), but it wasn’t even listed on your website under headlines OR local news at 9 am Sunday morning! Yet, Foxnews.com has it via the AP. Sucks to see the national boys have got my local paper scooped on a story in their own backyard. Makes me wonder why I’m still subscribing when I can learn all I want for free on FOX.

Courtesy of the Orange County chapter of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws:

Lice are, let's face it, really disgusting. And wouldn't you know it, children are usually the ones who get them. Dirty little ankle-biters.

Thankfully, Orange County will soon get a lice-control salon to deal with these pests. No more having to wash your own brat's parasite-infested scalp. Now you can pay someone to do it for you. Or get it done for free at a grand opening de-lousing ceremony on March 1.

According to the press release: "Lice Control, a leading head-lice-removal company and clinical salon in California's Bay Area, will open a second salon at 2001 Harbor Blvd., Ste. 210 in Costa Mesa. Owner Raymond Ruiz has announced a one-day Grand Opening, with head lice treatments offered free of charge. An LCD wide-screen TV and hand-held gaming devices will create a fun atmosphere for the children, who might otherwise freak out at the prospect of having their heads treated for lice. 'They will sit still and cooperate with us, when they won't do that for their parents,' says Ruiz. 'They seem to think of us as doctors.' Ruiz adds that his technicians scour every inch of a child's scalp in search of lice and eggs, using FloureX lights and specially designed combs that skim through hair easily without pulling."

A few OC Weekly staffers live near the salon's future home. Let's hope they keep their distance so as not to spread the bugs throughout the office. For now. Muahahaha!

Mississippi lawmakers have proposed a bill that would revoke the business license of any restaurant that serves food to fat people.

The statewide measure, House Bill 282, would prohibit eateries from serving food to "any person who is obese based on criteria prescribed by the state health department." If passed, the bill would allow the department to monitor compliance and have the power to revoke any violators' permits. None of which sits well with Irvine's Ayn Rand Institute, which sent out a press release expressing their shock over the matter.

"Proponents of the paternalistic nanny-state are intent on transforming obesity into a public health issue," said Thomas Bowden, an analyst at the institute. "Legitimate public health measures, such as quarantining persons with infectious diseases or outlawing disease-spreading cesspools, involve shielding innocent victims from physical force. But fat people do not emit physical forces that impede other people's freedom of action. Hence, government has no right to prevent or punish obesity."

In related news, the Long Beach Press Telegram reports that a man was held at gunpoint and robbed of $20 worth of carnitas tacos yesterday. No word on whether he was a fatty.

Courtesy of the Orange County chapter of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws:

"Now why do I care about the Port of Long Beach?"

This is something an average person in Orange County might say. Out of sight, out of mind. But in reality the busy ports of both Long Beach and Los Angeles, with all the shipping and trucking involved, generates a truly lung-busting amount of pollution. Surely people would leap at the chance to minimize such pollution and try to decrease the shocking amount of pollution-related disease in Long Beach, right? Right?

Think again. Hot off the transom from some concerned citizens of Long Beach (among them Nadia Afghani, former Weekling and one of the brighter stars in the night sky) comes news that the one and only Tom Morello, of Rage Against the Machine fame, will join protesters as they demand the Port of Long Beach work with the Port of Los Angeles to minimize pollution.

Tom Morello (of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave) has agreed to join Long Beach community members and concerned citizens as we protest the Port of Long Beach and Mayor Foster's decision to abandon its commitment to working with the Port of LA to find a sustainable solution to the port trucking crisis. It is taking a "go it alone" approach, and it plans to hold a vote on its deeply flawed program THIS TUESDAY (2/19) at 1pm.

On Sunday the U.S. Department of Agriculture demanded the recall of 143 million pounds of beef - over one hundred million pounds more than has ever been recalled. And just where did this unfit-for-human-consumption crap-steak come from?

Can you guess?

That's right. Orange County. Well, almost. And what's the grossest place almost in Orange County? Come on, you watched the show.

CHINO! Ew!

The problem? So-called "downer" animals, which not only bring down the morale of the rest of the herd, but also tend to wallow in feces and brim with bacteria. Mmmm - Crispy McFeces Wrap, anyone? From the AP via the Reg:

Authorities said the video showed workers kicking, shocking and otherwise abusing "downer" animals that were apparently too sick or injured to walk into the slaughterhouse. Some animals had water forced down their throats, San Bernardino County prosecutor Michael Ramos said.

So naturally employees from Chino-based Westland/Hallmark Meat Co. used a forklift to drive, prod or just drag the less ambulatory aminals to their deaths. Then the Humane Society videotaped 'em at work.

Weekly reader Suzanne Broughton recently penned a response to the death knell of the OC Post (a.k.a. its marriage to the Irvine World News) and was nice enough to let us republish it. See more of Broughton's work on her blog, Emphasis Mine.

The big news here in Orange County is the OC Post married The Irvine World News last week in a private ceremony. I am overjoyed that the Post has finally found someone who appreciates his slight stature and brevity. The Post and I dated briefly in the beginning of 2007, but sadly it didn't work out for us.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I received an invitation to the after-wedding reception. The Orange County Register called me and asked if we could go together, as both of us aren't seeing anyone right now and hated the thought of going alone. I agreed, with the promise from The Register he wouldn't talk about the housing market the whole time. "The words 'credit crunch' won't leave my lips the entire night," he said with irrefutable assurance.

When we arrived, we found SqueezeOC standing just outside the door crying softly into her hands. I approached her and asked what was wrong. "My boyfriend is such a jerk (but she didn't use the word jerk.) He was supposed to be here an hour ago, but he just sent me a text saying his band's van broke down and he won't be able to come." Trying to comfort her I said, "I'm so sorry, maybe you can come in and sit with us."

When hearing my generous offer, she just scowled at me and started feverishly texting someone more empathetic to her tragedy.

The Register and I entered the lovely ballroom just in time to see OC Weekly make his entrance. He sauntered in, both middle fingers straight up high in the air and shouted something about the institution of marriage being a "total sham" and how we were a bunch of "pathetic grey-wastes" or something like that. Then he just kept walking, straight out the back door, but not before pushing off the backward baseball cap of the middle-aged D.J. (Apparently, I found out later, he wasn't invited to the party.)

Interconnectivity. Integrity. Immortality.

The words danced through my head as I sat at my reserved banquet seat on the Queen Mary Saturday night awaiting the man of the hour, Aaron Cohen. The Immortal Chaplains Foundation was honoring Cohen with the Prize for Humanity for his work as a slave hunter, as detailed in a June 2007 OC Weekly story by Christine Buckley.

The seeds of interconnectivity – the theme that would transcend all others, both the night of the awards ceremony and later, the following day, in a phone interview with Cohen – were planted the moment I sat down fell into conversation with my tablemates.

To the right of me sat a couple, Bill and Kay Thorpe, who had met Cohen at a wine tasting. The Thorpe’s childcare provider was the same Cambodian woman that tended to Cohen’s four-bedroom house while he was away on his life saving, as well as life threatening missions of rescuing women and children from the atrocities of slavery. When they heard about The Immortal Chaplain Foundation’s decision to bestow the prize on Cohen, they felt compelled to attend the event.

“What a small world, right?” Remarked Kay Thorpe.

A small world, indeed. A seemingly innocuous Cambodian woman, who served an everyday couple and their children in one capacity, and a “slave hunter” in another, brought the three otherwise strangers together. An obscure foundation that immortalizes the vision that Cohen and others like him strive to fulfill, would reunite them on a ship, of all places.

Fresh off the system of tubes some call an internets from the California State Parks Foundation comes an announcement of a photo contest. Get those pictures soon - regardless of the contest deadline, if the Governor follows through on his scare-tactic plan of closing 48 state parks, it might be the last chance you shutterbugs get to shoot some of these spots.

California State Parks Foundation Launches Photo Contest Share The Beauty—Images of our Magnificent State Parks

Kentfield, CA – The California State Parks Foundation (CSPF) has launched a free statewide photo contest designed to generate enthusiasm about California’s 278 unique natural, cultural and historic state parks, while allowing photographers to showcase their skills. More than 150 photographs were submitted in the first week of the contest.

“We aren’t surprised at the high number of submissions we’ve received to date,” said Elizabeth Goldstein, CSPF President. “And, we are fully expecting many, many more. California parks are treasured, and they are as diverse and remarkable as the communities they serve.”

The contest, held in partnership with MyParkPhotos.com, encourages all photographers to register on the CSPF website and submit photos of their favorite state parks. Winners will be selected on a monthly basis, with prizes including: a CSPF Membership, an annual state park pass; a subscription to Sunset Magazine, John McKinney’s Day Hikers Guide to California State Parks, and CSPF’s Parklands newsletter. We are also proud to announce that winners will receive a prize from Lowepro (www.lowepro.com), the worldwide leading provider of protective cases and backpacks for imaging and technology products. The grand prize winner, to be announced in January, 2009, will receive all of the above plus additional prizes to be announced soon.

To view the gallery, and for more information about CSPF and the photo contest, visit www.calparks.org/gallery.html

With its 90,000 members, the California State Parks Foundation is the only independent nonprofit membership organization dedicated to protecting, enhancing, promoting and advocating for California’s magnificent state parks.

“Fired up!” yells Abraham Jenkins. “Ready to go!” respond UCI's Barack Obamamites. In the midst of their chant a faint “Romney!” is heard from the obnoxious kid holding the long board. Dude, it’s an Obama rally. Did you not get the memo?

The rally hype began a week ago, with posters plastered around UCI. Obama’s vectorized face looked straight into the eyes of students debating whether to attend the Thursday rally at noon or grab lunch instead. The candidate's worried stare seemed to say "make the right decision, kiddo." Printed below his portrait were the words, “It’s time to unite the country.” But would all this blatant advertising entice students out of their notably apathetic shells?

John Lennon’s “Imagine” could be quietly but distinctly heard through the audio system at the UCI Student Center. Obama supporters wearing shirts with “Yes we can” printed on them hollered at hungry students headed towards the food court. Volunteers on stage waved signs over their heads shouting “What do we want? Change! When do we want it? Now!”

Scott McLaughlin, a graduate student from UCI jumped on stage and started the "Fired up" chant again. Obama supporters from the presidential hopeful's Santa Ana offices enthusiastically responded, but the student crowd was too busy stuffing its collective face.

Dane Chandler Williams, also known as "Downtown Dane" for his ubiquitous presence in downtown Huntington Beach, was found dead in San Diego. He was in town on a company trip, having worked as an intern for Hurley since October. His body was found wrapped in a blanket in an alley in Chollas Creek.

Williams was last seen at Sixth and K streets leaving the Hard Rock Cafe around 2 a.m. Saturday, according to San Diego police Sgt. Garry Collins. If anyone has any information about his final hours please contact the San Diego Police at (619) 531-2000.

MySpace and Facebook pages have been set up in Dane's honor. A MySpace for a DaneWilliams, 23, in Huntington Beach, describes him as being "at work" and lists his mood as "stoked." May he forever be so.

Though UC Irvine hip-hop dance team Kaba Modern has been making a name for themselves in underground circles and national and global competitions for some years now—including winning first place at the USA World Hip-Hop Championship and taking second at the International World Finals—it looks like they'll finally be getting the mainstream attention they deserve.

Randy Jackson Presents America's Best Dance Crew is MTV's latest foray at the bizarrely popular reality dance competition phenom. The show's scoured America for the best street and studio dance crews and they've narrowed it down to just 12—including Kaba Modern.

Though the team is usually much larger in size, Kaba has chosen to represent their 15-year, award-ridden legacy with six members: Tony Tran, Mike Song, Yuri Tang, Lawrence Kao, Cindy Minowa and Jia Huang, all UC Irvine students.

Kaba's made it past the tough audition phase of the show—see the YouTube clip here—facing a panel of judges that includes JC Chasez and Shane Sparks and uh, host Mario Lopez, but now they've got to go up against some of America's best... but that's nothing they're not already used to.

Randy Jackson Presents America's Best Dance Crew premieres Thursday, February 7 at 10 p.m.

As predicted, on January 18th Jim "The Poorman" Trenton and his attorney Brian D. Boydston filed suit against KDOC and its parent company Ellis Communications. The suit alleges breach of contract, and demands damages "in a sum according to proof at trial, but not less that $27,646" for revenues lost due to ads being pulled from the TV show Poorman's Bikini Beach, ads involving the adult DVD companies Landmark Video, Maximum Mojo, and genital wart removal specialist Dr. Jeffrey Lauber.

Curiously, the suit doesn't name KDOC's Bert Ellis specifically; rather, it names Ellis Communications and "DOES 1 through 10" [that's "Does" as a plural of "John Doe"]. Later in the suit, this is explained as "The true names and capacities of the Defendants sued herein as Does 1-10, inclusive, are currently unknown to Plaintiff who, therefore, sues these Defendants by such fictitious names." Asked to comment, Trenton claimed this is standard practice where the individual in question may have business partners involved in the issue.

KDOC has 30 days to respond or settle. Meanwhile, the Poorman's KRCA debut has been pushed back to February 4th, and they've apparently given him the go-ahead to plug porn and genital warts to his heart's content.

Once more, for good measure, here's that genital warts ad. If you owned a TV network, would you air it?