Scientists in Long Beach made a breakthrough!

Apparently, the most recorded orgasms in one hour by researchers at the Center for Marital and Sexual Studies in Long Beach was 134 by one female and sixteen for a male.

How do you sign up to participate in that study? I'm just sayin'.

To read more fun sex facts click here.

Mississippi lawmakers have proposed a bill that would revoke the business license of any restaurant that serves food to fat people.

The statewide measure, House Bill 282, would prohibit eateries from serving food to "any person who is obese based on criteria prescribed by the state health department." If passed, the bill would allow the department to monitor compliance and have the power to revoke any violators' permits. None of which sits well with Irvine's Ayn Rand Institute, which sent out a press release expressing their shock over the matter.

"Proponents of the paternalistic nanny-state are intent on transforming obesity into a public health issue," said Thomas Bowden, an analyst at the institute. "Legitimate public health measures, such as quarantining persons with infectious diseases or outlawing disease-spreading cesspools, involve shielding innocent victims from physical force. But fat people do not emit physical forces that impede other people's freedom of action. Hence, government has no right to prevent or punish obesity."

In related news, the Long Beach Press Telegram reports that a man was held at gunpoint and robbed of $20 worth of carnitas tacos yesterday. No word on whether he was a fatty.

I had visions of hordes of Long Beach ocean-view apartment inhabitants spilling out onto the beach this past Saturday for the monthly (second Saturdays) half-hour "Clean Alamitos Beach" event. After all, if you run here, ride your bike here, walk your dog here, bring your kids here, stroll here, play volleyball here, make-out here, surely you'd take a little time to pick up a few of the million pieces of plastic or styrofoam that lurk visibly in every direction on this little beach.

I was met by a smaller but ardent group of regulars and newcomers.

Long Beach was voted a top city again. And no, this time its not because the city has the dirtiest water in the state, you cynical bastards. It's because Long Beach has the unhappiest women in the country! Hooray!

According to Self Magazine's December issue, which hits stands today, Los Angeles-Long Beach has the lowest score in the happiness category. Leaving resident females with a distinct sense of pride. After they take their Lexapro of course.

LB-LA landed the top spot after facing tough competition from the runner-up cities of Bakersfield, Gary, Ind., Stockton-Lodi and Riverside-San Bernardino. I always knew those ladies in the Stockton-Lodi area seemed a little too happy. What with their whistling while they work and all.

Dog lovers and cruel cackling people who like to dress their pets in degrading outfits and drag them around town gathered in Long Beach yesterday for the Haute Dogs 7th Annual Howl’oween Parade. Livingston Park and 2nd Street were overtaken by more than 600 costumed creatures and countless spectators, many armed with cameras to document the somewhat head-scratching spectacle.

The day’s events started at 11 a.m. with a dog adoption fair that also featured specialized dog clothing, dog treats, dog toys and even a bulldog kissing booth.

After hoisting a 60 lb pumpkin high up into one of Livingston’s Parks many trees, the anxious crowd waiting below started counting down to the pumpkin’s smashing demise. Justin Rudd, the Executive Director of the Haute Dogs organization (which is under the nonprofit Community Action Team) related the dropping of the pumpkin to the dropping of the ball on New Year’s Eve in New York City - symbolic of a new start (or a great waste...think of all the pie we could've made...).

On the October 16 episode of Comedy Central's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, television news anchor and Emmy nominee Stephen Colbert announced that he was "officially considering" whether or not he would announce if he was considering running for President of the United States, and would make that announcement "on a more prestigious show." Fifteen minutes later Colbert announced his candidacy on his own show, The Colbert Report, saying he will run in the South Carolina primary as both a Democrat and a Republican.

The announcement came as good news for Long Beach-based auto journalist Micah Muzio who, in June 2006 started colbertocrat.com, a website which aims to rally the masses for a very important cause: convincing Stephen Colbert to run for president and spread his truthiness across the nation.

"I was thrilled," Muzio said of Colbert's announcement. "I did a jig for joy because a Colbert presidency is good for America."

Good for America or good for Muzio's pocketbook? Some may think its the latter due to Muzio and his little website's increased traffic since Colbert's announcement. Along with the significant rise in traffic came a "spectacular increase" in web ads. Leading to a profit of nearly $30 this past week!

Muzio denies that he and Colbert are working together in this money-making scheme claiming, "[Colbert] has to be aware of [colberocrat.com's] efforts because we are the number one site result for 'Colbert' and 'president' on Google." He claims that he and Colbert have never spoken.

"The thought behind the site is that [Colbert] embodies everything that would make a good president: superhuman patriotism," Muzio said. "I'd like to see him go all the way to the White House." Sure, that and another $30.

The Grunion Gazette and Press Telegram have been be trumpeting the success of the water department's quick fix for the estimated 90,000+ gallons of polluted storm drain water being pumped directly into Alamitos Bay (widely known for its poor water quality) every day. Too bad the victory over the pollution will be short lived.

Sorry folks, but come September the water will be right back where it was, floating in the popular recreational area.

According to Kevin Wattier, co-chair of the Water Quality Task Force, the two installed pump diversion systems, which divert storm drain water from flowing directly into the bay to flowing into the sewer system instead, will be shut off after September because storm drain water is "less polluted" in the winter months largely due to the fact that there is more water to dilute the animal feces, oil, and trash than there is in the summer.

Who doesn't like cheap drugs? Nobody that's who! So lets all jump up and click our heels together in glee because the city of Long Beach has introduced a drug card program that will reduce prescription medication costs by up to 75 percent for its residents! Oh the joy of it all!

The UNA Rx Card is valid at over 50,000 national and regional pharmacies! Rapture!

It can also be used to cover prescriptions not covered by personal health insurance! Gaiety!

It counts toward some pet meds, too! Elation!

The best part is the card is free and you can print it out from your home computer! HOORAY!

Residents can register and download their prescription drug card by visiting www.longbeachdrugcard.com.

Exuberance! Jubilation! Rapture! Transports of delight! Yeah drugs!!!

Selling erectile dysfunction medication on the Internet may have been considered a lucrative side business for award-winning state narcotics agent Henry Kim, that is until some pesky undercover Long Beach cops got nosy and ruined everything.

It all started last week, when Kim allegedly placed an ad on Craigslist offering the medication to interested buyers. Unbeknownst to him, the ad resulted in an agreement to sell 50 Cialis pills for $250 to an undercover Long Beach detective.

Kim met the plain-clothed officer near the Long Beach and Artesia freeway intersection on Saturday, where he sold the medication and then got arrested, police said.

I had just parked my car they began to swarm. Cops. A dozen of them. Guns drawn and all running toward my apartment building. I exited my car cautiously when the reporter in me began to get curious.

"What's going on here?" I asked of the older officer in plain clothes.

"Nothing to be alarmed about," he answered.

"I live in this building," I said.

"Just stay on the lawn ma'am," he answered.

They were surrounding a unit on the first floor. The same unit that had an eviction notice on its door earlier that morning.

I stood on the lawn mouth flung open and gawking like a tourist when one of the officers grabbed a battering ram to beat down the door. Fortunately it wasn't needed. The occupant answered their booming calls with cooperation.

The results are in and Long Beach is the winner with five of the six most polluted beaches in Los Angeles County, says the National Resources Defense Council in its annual "Testing the Waters" guide.

Mother's Beach lead the charge with violations of state health standards 59 percent of the time. The other dirty beaches include three spots in Colorado Lagoon and the beach near the Second Street bridge and Bayshore Avenue, conveniently located next to the storm water pumping station that leaks the polluted water directly into the bay.

The results don't come as a surprise for Long Beach residents who were informed of similar ratings by the annual Heal The Bay report card released this May.

Have no fear though, the city has an excellent plan to clean the polluted bay waters through running the power plant more. Go team!

Cut off from the powerful, cleansing waves of the Pacific ocean by a massive concrete breakwater, the gentle swells that lap the Long Beach coastline are so dirty that they were recently ranked the most polluted beach water in California by the Santa Monica-based environmental group Heal The Bay. Although Mayor Bob Foster and a majority of the city council favors studying the possibility of tearing down at least part of the breakwater, such action could be years away. But city residents might be relieved to know that their civic leaders have an interim plan to clean the water.

But then again, maybe not. The city's plan happens to call for increased pumping of ocean water at Long Beach's aging AES power plant in Alamitos Bay. And according to state marine life experts, that could end up killing a whole lot of fish

The good folks at the Long Beach Water Quality Task Force (WQTF) and AES Alamitos, a steam generating power plant located at Studebaker and Second St. have been meeting since last year about the bay's bacteria-infested water. Early last month, they proposed billing a on oil funded city trust for increased pumping at the plant to provide for greater circulation of the polluted water in Alamitos Bay. Both AES and the WQTF claim the recent increase in pollution of the city's water—as cited by Heal the Bay in its 2007 Annual Beach Report Card--is a direct result of reduced pumping at the Alamitos plant in 2006.

Last night was the soft opening for Cheap Shots, a new bar in Long Beach. The décor was surprising considering the area, where most bars have Bud Light lamps hanging over coin-op pool tables.

Cheap Shots (don't let the name fool you) is actually quite classy. Rich dark wood compliments white leather couches, though the potential for upholstery-disaster seems high considering the prominence of red wine on the menu.

Intimacy is obviously the goal considering the burning candles and deep colors, but the prospect of a quiet, starry-eyed conversation is somewhat derailed by the loud hip-hop. The high-decibel DJ coupled with the "Best Knockouts Volume 2" DVD playing on the flatscreen seem a little better suited for the previously mentioned Bud Light billiards lighting. Cutting the music by about half, and throwing on a surf video would seal the deal on this otherwise gorgeous little tucked away spot.

Located at 4th and Alamitos, the bar is definitely a step up from other local establishments. It is a touch of upscale downtown without the drama or the cover charges. Alamitos Beach residents rejoice: your neighborhood has a secret new place – but it won't be a secret for long.

Cheap Shots' Grand Opening Saturday July 21
941 E. 4th St. Long Beach

Three months ago, Heal the Bay, a Santa Monica-based environmental group, released its 17th Annual Beach Report Card. Although the group noted an overall improvement in the quality of water at California beaches, it reported that Long Beach had suffered a “dramatic drop in water quality” during the previous year. Twenty-four of the 28 testing sites along the city's waterfront earned grades of C, D or F, giving Long Beach the “dubious distinction” of being the “No. 1 'Beach Bummer' in this year’s report.”

That ranking, as it turns out, reflects the level of fecal bacteria in the water, which is important to know about because shit-polluted water can cause skin rashes, ear and eye infections, gastrointestinal problems, and even Hepatitis A.

Not-too-early morning brought the start of the TransPacific yacht race to Honolulu, complete with free continental breakfast and pretty girls wearing leather knee-high riding boots (to a yacht race? I think we’re mixing our upper-class leisure events here, aren’t we?). Throw in Long Beach Mayor Bob Foster, smiling with the whole of his catcher’s-mitt face, and I’m hooked. Of course I was there!

In Long Beach’s Rainbow Harbor on Sunday, the last wave of TransPac racers sailed by the packed pier for their send-off, a ceremonial precursor to the actual start of the race. They are heading for Hawaii, and this wave of boats are rated the fastest based on sail and hull design. Each team drifted by, treated to an introduction, encouraging words and, of course, a hearty, “Alooooooooooahhhhhhhhhhh!” followed by the boom of cannon fire.

Highlight of the ceremony: Definitely the Hugo Boss yacht. They were dressed fabulously and smelled fantastic.

Biggest Disappointment: No actual cannon, just two guys camped out by the lighthouse detonating glorified M-80s to replicate the sound of a blast. Is nothing sacred?

Biggest juxtaposition: The drive from the yachter/polo player-occupied dock in Rainbow Harbor to the streets of San Pedro. The starting point of the race was actually far off the cliffs of Point Fermin, which is a far cry from the gentrification of downtown Long Beach.

Watch the day’s slideshow here.

Cassandra Peterson, the little redhead beneath the big black wig and swirling eyeliner, may be 55, but her character — Elvira — will live longer than that if she has any say in it. In an attempt to put herself up there with Santa on the cultural-icon pedestal, Peterson's getting on the reality TV circuit, with The Search for the Next Elvira, in which the Mistress of the Dark seeks out “a surrogate handmaiden with whom to share her personal appearance duties.”

Folks may be under the impression that this is an attempt to bring Elvira's career back from the dead — but that's far from the truth, says Peterson's personal assistant and professional Elvira impersonator Christian Greenia. The woman gets some 500 e-mails from fans around the world every friggin' week, and her calendar's booked throughout the year . . . especially around October.

On Friday, FOX issued an "open-casket" call, and Gothed-out wannabes of both genders boarded the Queen Mary for their chance make fools of themselves on TV.

Cheesy? Campy? Yes, we have photos.

Well, they're still at it. Negotiations between the Port of Long Beach and Los Angeles' unionized office clerical (OCU) workers and shippers and marine terminal operators that were supposed to end in a strike at midnight if an agreement was not reached. But they are still going! You gotta love it when those deadlines get extended. Twice.

OCU workers authorized a strike after an agreement wasn't reached by their contract-renewal deadline of June 30. But instead of striking, the employees have now been working without a contract for more than two weeks.

If no deal is reached by tonight, OCU Local 63 personnel estimate that picket lines will likely spring up before longshoremen report to work around 5 a.m. tomorrow.

Longshoremen, being part of the International Longshore and Warehouse Union (ICLW) along with the OCU local 63 workers, will honor their compadres' picket lines by also refusing to work.

To make matters even more interesting, the longshoremen are working under a "no-strike" clause in their current contract. So, if a strike persists, employers could seek a court injunction to force them back to work.

Because the ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach combine to make the biggest port in the nation, handling nearly $1 billion to $2 billion in imported goods every day, a port strike could be felt throughout the country.

On the morning of June 30, Long Beach Peninsula residents awoke to a scene of carnage.

Hundreds of dead, bloated bodies littered the shores of the upscale area, their gaseous, stinky bodies covering the landscape.

It smelled like, and was, a smelt massacre.

On what will forever be known on the peninsula as Fishy Saturday, state Fish and Game Department officials arrived at the beach, along with City Parks, Recreation, and Marine officials, to investigate the cause of this mysterious beaching.

Crazy animals have begun invading Long Beach by sea and land.

Yesterday, a six-foot female blue shark was spotted swimming in circles near docked boats at the Marina Pacifica. The shark was in good health except a for a fishing hook and line hanging from its mouth. Marine workers were forced to scoop up the shark with a giant net and release it back into the ocean before it could confuse any innocent byswimmers. No rescue workers were harmed in the transportation process.

The revolt continued today when a Great Dane attacked a park ranger in Los Cerritos Park. The park ranger became entangled in the rabid beast's retractable leash after the dog escaped its owner. The four-legged mutt then proceeded to drag the ranger through a section of the park, inflicting minor leash burns and a brief bout of hysteria. The ranger is expected to make a full recovery.

It is uncertain whether the animals plan to consume us or simply enslave us. But one thing is certain: The animals will soon take over.

On February 19, 2005, after a heavy rainstorm, a massive tree fell on the historic, art deco-era bandshell in Long Beach's Bixby Park, the pride of the city's Alamitos Beach neighborhood since 1927, and more recently, a home to the homeless and weekly pottery classes. The tree crushed the building, and crushed it has remained ever since. The city promptly chopped the tree up for firewood and placed a lovely chain link fence around the demolished building.

Taking a cue from the folks at the Pike Laugh Factory—see “Send in the Clowns, Eventually,” officials also placed a sign in front of the fence assuring neighborhood residents that a new bandshell was– you guessed it–“Coming Soon,” which is bureaucratic-speak for a non-specific length of time ranging from many, many months to practically never. The benefit of hindsight dictates that as of this writing, “coming soon,” seems to refer to a length of time no less than “three years from now.”

With the exception of the friendly folks at Sound Energy Solutions (SES), a subsidiary of Mitsubishi and ConocoPhillips, just about nobody in Long Beach—Mayor Bob Foster and most residents who already think there's enough industrial pollution at the port—want to see a Liquefied Natural Gas (LNG) terminal come to town.

But like a psycho killer in a bad Hollywood film who refuses to die even after being stabbed through the heart, the project simply won't go away.

It died what most observers thought was a natural death back in January, when city officials and Port of Long Beach's Board of Harbor Commissioners voted not to complete a costly Environmental Impact Report (EIR) because the preliminary report, in the words of City Attorney Robert Shannon, “fail[ed] to provide necessary information to the public, most critically in the area of public safety and security, as legally required.”

On the corner of Pine Avenue and Shoreline Drive in downtown Long Beach hangs a banner. It says "COMING SOON." and it's been hanging for years from what is supposed to be the newest Laugh Factory at the Pike at Rainbow Harbor.

A November 2003 article in the Long Beach Press Telegram celebrated the grand opening of the "entertainment-retail center," saying that it was "off to a good start." The article stated that the Laugh Factory was scheduled to open in the second quarter of 2004 (January 1 to March 31). Nearly three-and-a-half years later, the same dusty banner assures passersby that things are coming along nicely.

Most car salesmen and toy slangers don't worry too much about labor issues in the shipping world, but perhaps they should. A strike or lockout at the ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach would disrupt mostly Asian imports like the cars, electronics, furniture, apparel and toys that comprise the port’s largest imports.

Maybe they'll worry now: Local 63 of the the International Longshore and Warehouse Union (ILWU), which represents nearly 1,000 clerical workers at the Ports of Long Beach and Los Angeles, may strike on June 30 because the employers at the port are trying to limit the workers' generous health benefits to a several-thousand-dollar-per-year stipend.