●Got something for Eugene Fields to do—he of the probing, sure-to-win-a-Pulitzer expose of Orange swinger spot Club Amnesty: consider why, in the massage ads of your paper’s Sports section, an establishment named Physical Therapy would be hawking “young exotic Latinas” and “sexy Cindy.” Now, why would the attractiveness of the nurses—because, y’know, the joint is called Physical Therapy—seem to be such a selling point? Could something more insidious be going on at Physical Therapy? Something involving rock-hard man-parts, perhaps? And hey, Eugene, while you’re at it, find out for us why so many of those massage parlors have grand openings all the time.

●The Juice after three weeks? Oh, god . . . it’s not just a car crash, it’s a full-on SigAlert pile-up with intestines and brain matter spread out across the freeway. We could quite easily transform this blog into the Juice-O-Meter . . . and we just might, at least a little, after we return from vacation June 7.

So when I accidentally stumbled across salteñas while aimlessly meandering through Tustin the other day, I felt like the former: the village idiot who just got lucky. Why? According to Gustavo Arellano, only two local restaurants serve this Bolivian take on the empanada. Fortunately, I had a camera on me, ready to snap a picture as proof of my discovery.

So here it is: the third place in O.C. to serve salteñas.

You know what I'm saying. There's really only one choice this weekend, like it or not (I'll probably be saying that a lot in the weeks to come). So yeah, PRINCE CASPIAN is here. And it's no secret that the book is the lamest of the Narnia books. Basically all that happens in it is that the four kids from the last story get summoned back to Narnia by Susan's magic horn, they walk around in the woods for a while, meet a prickly dwarf named Trumpkin who tells them the story of Prince Caspian, then they run into Prince Caspian, then his evil uncle Miraz shows up and Peter fights him. The end.

Not exactly a cinematic structure, that. So director Andrew Adamson had a bit more of a challenge on his hands here. Adapting THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE faithfully worked out well, but CASPIAN needs some tweaking. And tweak he does: the story begins in Narnia with the borth of Lord Miraz' son, giving him the leeway to kill nephew Caspian, who then flees to the forests of Narnia. Now, it turns out that Caspian and Miraz are both part of a race called Telemarines, who are basically Conquistadors that invaded Narnia some years back (1300 years have passed since the last movie), but Caspian is pretty much the only one of them who's any good. It has been believed that Narnia's fairy-tale creatures were purged -- making Miraz essentially the equivalent of Lord Farquad from SHREK, a previous Adamson film -- but Caspian soon finds out otherwise, when he encounters a pair of dwarfs, one being the aforementioned Trumpkin (Peter Dinklage, who should never be asked to fake an accent, EVER; he cannot do it, and LASSIE should have proven that fact definitively) and the other being borderline evil Nikabrik (Warwick Davis, embodying the hypothetical offspring of Willow and Leprechaun).

On, Of, and About Paper, Daily
Who doesn't want to learn more about paper? I know I do.
Orange County Center for Contemporary Art
117 N. Sycamore Santa Ana, CA 92701
714-667-1517

Bowers Museum Call For Volunteers, Daily
Volunteer to help make the visitor experience enjoyable at the highly anticipated exhibition, Terra Cotta Warriors: Guardians of China’s First Emperor.
Bowers Museum of Cultural Art
2002 N. Main St. Santa Ana, CA 92701
714-567-3600

Santa Ana Food Not Bombs, 5/18 3 p.m.
Fight the war on hunger.
Ross and Civic Center
Across from the public library Santa Ana CA 92701

THE MOM PROM, 5/18 6 p.m.
Moms need to get all gussied-up once in a while. Why not bring 'em to church to do it?
Bayshore Church
5100 E. The Toledo Long Beach, CA 90803

Your problems are over.

At last night’s Orange County Press Club - “Journalists Turned Authors / How You Can Live Your Fantasy Life!” - Orange Coast magazine’s editor-at-large Martin J. Smith offered the perfect solution.

During one period in his nine years at the The Orange County Register, Smith couldn’t figure out what the feature writer in the next cubicle was actually doing all day. Sure, the guy was pounding away at his keyboard, but he never seemed to actually get anything in the paper.

All was revealed when the industrious chap suddenly announced one day that he’d just sold his first novel. The guy? Robert Ferrigno. The novel? The Horse Latitudes. The publisher advance (with eventual foreign rights)? Almost $500,000. Time magazine hailed it as “the most memorable fiction debut of the season.”

So, there you have it. Get your eight hours a night, write your book at work while pulling down a paycheck, become rich and famous. If your boss is less than amused by your sudden non-productivity, bribe him with the promise of an effulgent dedication as a patron of the arts. (Hey, might work!)

Smith, author of three crime novels and two nonfiction books, Steven Thomas (former OC Metro editor; author of Criminal Paradise), Carol Lachnit (executive editor at Crain’s Workforce Management; author of four mystery novels) and moderator Michael C. Carroll, author of LAB 257, had a wealth of valuable advice and encouragement for the wannabes in the audience.

Wanna find literary agents who represent your kind of writing? Go to your library or bookstore and check the dedications by people who write your kind of stuff – most of them thank their agents. Bingo!

Now, I just need some advice about wallpapering my bathroom with the agent rejection letters spurred by my serial killer/Death Wish meets The Crying Game/sexual identity twist/police procedural. I’m at 17 and counting. Do I paste them up chronologically, in descending order of form-letter-uninterest and/or condescension, or spread the rest around the two beauties that not only rejected my blood, sweat and copious tears but had the world-class gall to try to sell me a book on how to write a book?

Naturally, the first voice I heard on the radio was the simpering, mincing, ironically feminine chirp of Louis Sheldon, founder of the Anaheim-based Traditional Values Coalition (which constantly equates homosexuality with pedophilia, bestiality and John Wayne. Well, maybe not John Wayne, but the Village People had to come up with their cowboy archetype somewhere). His input in this was expected—Sheldon's an anti-gay zealot who, weirdly enough, can't stop talking about anal sex, among other strange topics. (Check out this R. Scott Moxley story from 2000, and while you're at it, type in "Lou Sheldon" into the Weekly's search engine for extra Sheldon shits 'n' giggles.)

I let out a reflexive "woo-hoo!", because anything that can get Sheldon's tampon in a twist is fine with me. And now—officially—us gays can now be legally just as miserable as breeders. Yay.

So how are the crazies taking the ruling? We direct you to the Register's reader comments, which are bulging by the minute...these are as of 12:50 p.m., with plenty more certain to follow. Some excerpts...

My dog has always been there for me, she loves me unconditionally. She is the only one who really understands me and she never complains. I think we are just one step closer to inter-species marriage. I can't wait.

First the voters were robbed by the courts of Prop.187 back in the 1990's, and now the Ca. voters are robbed of Prop. 22 by the Ca. State Supreme Court. What's the point of voting?

Once again the will of the people- remember that MAJORITY rules thing? - is overturned by a few. This is why people don't get out and vote. All it takes is for a handfull of judges to out-rule that majority rule thing - once again remember that?

This ruling is yet another demonstration of the judicial branch usurping power. The people of California made it overwhelmingly clear that they did not want gay marriage. A few officials decided that they know better.

I find it troubling that the homosexual/lesbian community cannot find a word for their type of bond. "Marriage" already has its meaning and I stand by it. Gay used to mean happy, it no longer does. It is now a cover word for an alternate lifestyle.

Ok so if gays are allowed to marry each other, then I think brothers and sisters should be allowed to marry as well. This is sickening, what is this world coming to...

It's just another way that our goverment is usurping the will of the people. This was voted on years ago with prop 22 and the overwhelming majority of California votes agreed to define marriage as "...a civil contract between a man and a woman."

How can you not care about gay marriages? This should be banned from this whole world. Have you not read the Bible gay people? You must be in total darkness about this subject! Save yourself and start reading your Bible or go to church!

My dog has always been there for me, she loves me unconditionally. She is the only one who really understands me and she never complains. I think we are just one step closer to inter-species marriage. I can't wait.

SICK.

The beginning of the end of the family.

You'll recall last month that Morey—the resume-stretching head of Faith Community Church in Irvine and self-proclaimed Islam expert—responded to a post of my revealing dissension at his church by stating he and his faithful "don’t see any schism or confusion in the church" despite evidence to the contrary. "These poor mentally unbalanced people, whose only meaning in life to tear down other people, will eventually burn themselves out with all their hatred and bitterness," he arrogantly commented.

Hatred and bitterness? That sure didn't seem to be the case last weekend, when more than 100 former FCC members held a picnic last Saturday somewhere in Orange County. Theocentric Living and The Saint Augustinian have more on the picnic, and their general optimism and hilarious cracks at Morey show who's the better Christian in this battle.

Meanwhile, there's been more tinkering over at the Morey-sponsored BiblicalThought blog in addition to what we previously reported. The huge picture of Morey and smaller-by-half shots of his minions are no longer there, and moderators don't tolerate any more Morey criticism. But do they slur Catholicism as the "mother of harlots"? But of course!

Open Jam Night, 9 p.m.
I'll bring the toast
Perq's
117 Main St. Huntington Beach, CA
714-960-9996

Loose Logic, 10 p.m.
After a few drinks...
Hurricanes Bar and Grill
200 Main St., Ste. 201 Huntington Beach CA 92648
714-374-0500

A Gathering of Friends, 6 p.m.
The event will take you to Sunset on the Serengeti and benefit families struggling with Alzheimer’s disease or another dementia.
Westin South Coast Plaza
686 Anton Blvd. Costa Mesa, CA 92626
714-540-2500

2000 Pounds Of Blues, 8:30 p.m.
That's a whole lotta blues!
Renaissance Dana Point
24701 Del Prado Ave. Dana Point, CA 92629
949-661-6003

Horowitz, a famous right-wing nut jobber, is known for taking out provocative full-page ads in campus newspapers that say things like "black people don't deserve reparations for slavery," in advance of his speaking engagements during Black History Month, which would then cause all kinds of static in the school paper. In some cases protesters, or school administrators would admonish the paper for printing the incendiary ad, which would prompt Horowitz to say it is an example of censorship on university campuses.

So Horowitz' appearance at UCI, since he's the master of stirring the pot, was ripe for a good, old-fashioned Muslim Student Union protest. The MSU has been the subject of much scrutiny in the last five years as they've sometimes forgotten to make themselves invisible in a society that is extremely phobic of their multi-continent, multi-faceted, more than one billion person faith. At UCI in particular, things have become heated [see "Against the Wall," Oct. 19 2007].

As I was walking to the Horowitz event I noticed one of the MSU member from the story I wrote last year. I asked him if he was on his way to the Horowitz event and he just laughed.

So no Muslim protesters, damn, this was going to be a lot more boring, I thought. Once in the lecture room at Rowland Hall, the first thing I noticed was it was sparsely populated, mostly with people 50 and over. There were about 40 audience members total, scattered in seats throughout the lecture room. The room was a minimalist theater style setting with white undecorated walls and ceiling, and puke-inducing overhead fluorescent lighting. At the front of the room was an obviously Photoshopped poster of a hijabed Muslim woman holding a sign that says "God Bless Hitler" in English.

According to a section of his website called "My Bios"--which you presumably can find on "The Internets", Ritze has a wife and kids, 232 avocado trees, and a desultory relationship with spelling and punctuation. "Everyone wants to know what party I belong to? I’m a republican, I’m not a stanch or hard liner," he explains. "During the upbringing of my sons," he adds, "I have participated and held many various positions in the community: Little League, PTA, Booster clubs, Little League Baseball, and coaching Baseball five years at El Modena High School."

Did we forget to mention Little League and baseball?

But more importantly to voters, Ritze has a compelling platform: combat the evil influence of OC Weekly, which is the root of all our problems and social ills.

In an undated letter to the LA Times posted on his campaign website, Ritze listed the following items, which although not identified as such, seem to be his central campaign issues: "1) NO TAX INCREASES. 2. Environmental Issues. 3) Waste. 4) Traffic." Elsewhere he rails about children being charged for admission at the county fair.

But Ritze's most impassioned campaign statement is buried at the end of his letter. "Our County Government needs to listen more!" he proclaimed. "The values of Orange County are in jeopardy (OC WEEKLY). Not to mention the name Orange County!!!"

It's hard to tell whether Ritze really believes OC Weekly is so influential that we're threatening the core values of Orange County--or what those core values are, since he doesn't name them--or whether he's just blasting us in an effort to kiss ass with the LA Times. If the latter's the case, it hasn't worked. So far the Times hasn't bothered to profile him.

But we have! So, you're welcome, Mr. Ritze! And good luck with your campaign--and those avocado trees. And if you're so worried about OC Weekly's evil influence on county affairs, you might want to remove the reference to one of Scott Moxley's muckraking articles about county supervisor shenanigans on one of the pages of your own website.

At trial, the 25-year-old Los Angeles County man admitted that he’d been upset because McGuinn tailed him but tried this argument: the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution guaranteed his free speech rights to utter his words. He also said his threats were obviously empty because he hadn’t been carrying weapons. After a five-day trial, a jury convicted Rivers for making criminal threats, attempting to dissuade witnesses from reporting a crime, hit-and-run and driving on a suspended license. Unrepentant, he took his First Amendment argument to a California Court of Appeal in Santa Ana. Led by Acting Presiding Justice William W. Bedsworth, the court recently issued a terse rejection of the defense theory. Bedsworth determined that the two victims had indeed been terrorized. For a less than a minute of stupidity, Rivers won a free trip to a California prison. It’ll be his home for six years and four months.

(Wednesdays at OCWeekly.com discover the depths of human depravity in Orange County, California.)

-- R. Scott Moxley/ OC Weekly

Book Publishing 1-2-3, 6:30 p.m.
Get a behind-the-scenes peek at the three major steps of the publishing process and find out who has influence along the way. Price: Free
Village Book Exchange
99 Avenida Serra San Clemente, CA 92672

CATWALK Fashion Event, 8 p.m.
Fashion show featuring fashions from Scout 3 and Tootsies.
MOZAMBIQUE
1740 S. Pacific Coast Hwy. Laguna Beach, CA 92651
949-715-7100

Hot Tuna Electric, 9 p.m.
Need we say more? Price: 25
Coach House
33157 Camino Capistrano San Juan Capistrano, CA 92675
949-496-8930

S. Orange County PFLAG Meeting, 7 p.m.
The South Orange County chapter of PFLAG (Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays) a support/discussion group, meets on the third Wednesday of every month.
Laguna Country United Methodist Church
24442 Mouton Pkwy. Laguna Hills, CA 92637
949-459-2834

Adult orphans: An article in Monday's Health section that was part of a package on how people handle their parents' deaths focused on Larry Graber, a Santa Monica psychotherapist whose parents died within six months of each other in 2000. Although the article said Graber is an openly gay man, Graber is heterosexual. The reporter misunderstood the name of his partner and misinterpreted references in the conversation, and incorrectly assumed Graber to be gay.

The worst (or best) part about it is that the reporter writes that this guy challenged his parent's expectations in part by "living as an openly gay man." Ahem. An openly HETEROSEXUAL man, that is. Whoops!

Click to read the story in its entirety.

On an episode of The Gilmore Girls (not that I watch it or anything), Rory Gilmore was given a pink Birkin by her boyfriend—only, she didn't realize the significance of it at the time, while the rest of us hopefully did. A conversation between Rory and her grandmother:

Rory: Logan's very nice, he bought me this terrific gift just completely out of the blue.
Emily: Is that so?
Rory: Totally unexpected. It's called a Birkin bag.
Emily: A Birkin bag? Oh my God. A Birkin bag?
Rory: You've heard of it?
Emily: Of course! That's a very nice purse.
Rory: Oh, maybe I shouldn't use it.
Emily: Oh no, a Birkin bag is meant to be used. And seen.
Rory: I had no idea.
Emily: Well, well, well, a Birkin bag. A Birkin bag, a Birkin bag for Rory.
Rory: Grandma..
Emily: I'm just saying. I mean Richard never bought me a Birkin bag. Oh, this is exciting!
Rory: I guess it is!
Emily: A Birkin bag! I'm gonna remember this day.

The older, more petite version of the Birkin is the Kelly bag, named after Grace Kelly. Kelly, the then new Princess of Monaco, was photographed carrying the leather Sac à dépêches and madness ensued—Hermès then renamed the bag accordingly.

Though much smaller in size and not quite as discussed (but close), the Kelly bag isn't so affordable, either. There's a ridiculous long standing debate between the Kelly and the Birkin, but to be honest, I'd much rather take a Kelly myself. Or, rather, I'd take the Kelly, resell it, then pay off my student loans.

Anyway, Hermès has jumped onto the paper craftin' bandwagon, a recent phenom of print-out DIY printable crafts, with their own cut-and-paste Kelly available for free on their website. Sure it's not the same, but how else are you supposed to ever get your hands on a Kelly?