All you publicists out there have been lax in sending me meaningless free stuff to blog about, but this makes up for it. A package that's, what, five feet tall?

What could possibly be inside?

A "Ghost in the Shell" Motoko Kusanagi inflatable love doll?

A coat rack?

Samurai swords?

Iron Man?

After the jump, see what delight(s) lurked within the giant box...

I was just the other day lamenting the drought of free crap from the mail that used to provide so much blog fodder a year ago when I was brand new here. But it seems I can always count on Cartoon Network for the goods.

I don't really know what the deal is with Ben 10, but I know they previously sent me a handheld electronic game to promote him, and now a DVD and a T-shirt to herald an "all new Ben." I've no idea what makes him all new, but check out the logo on the shirt. It looks awfully familiar...

There's true heartbreak involved when you open a package in the mail that looks like it contains a DVD, only to find that inside, all you get is a CD single of the one original song from THE LAST MIMZY in a jewel case stamped "For Your Consideration." (Film critics don't vote for "Best Original Song," nor would they likely give it to anything from THE LAST MIMZY if they did.)

But then there's the double-heartbreak: "Great, a DVD! Oh, wait...didn't they already send this? Oh no, it's gotta be a CD single again...but no...what is this? Oh my goodness, a big piece of folded cardboard with pictures from the movie on it! That seals the deal for me...I can't NOT give "Best Film" to a movie that impresses me in this fashion."

Okay, yeah, I know I sound like a spoiled brat (it's a deliberate writing choice), and yes, longtime readers, I do know I'm not Commie Girl, because every time I look in the mirror I see a male face. So what's the point? Just wanted to show off these cardboard foldy things, and wonder why anyone would spend the money to send them to me.

Check the images after the jump...

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here, what with all the DVDs I get in the mail every day for awards voting. But this isn't a post about them. It's about another very big box that arrived without warning, bearing a large "World of Warcraft" logo.

Now, I am the imagined target audience for this stuff, being into toys and comics and all that, but I've never gotten into online role-playing or collectible card games. Nonetheless, if I were, I'd be so psyched. And I'm kinda psyched anyway. Seems that the San Diego convention center is hosting a big Warcraft card-game tournament next week, and they really, REALLY want me to know about it. Bribery usually works.

After the cut, check out all the free junk that was inside the box...

So what's up with the dude on this coffee package? The label says "high octane," but he looks like he's just kinda chill. Maybe the motorcycle drank the coffee instead.

I don't even like coffee much, but Starbucks keeps sending me stuff in the mail, like a $5 gift card recently -- II guess the makers of high octane didn't want to be outdone, so they passed along a whole big packet of their product, which I left in the break room for our sales staff to enjoy. If you start noticing a lot more ads in the paper soon, thank the coffee.

I prefer caffeine in nuclear-green-colored sodas. I was denied such things in childhood.

Could use one of those beverages right about now to help me figure out something the kids likely already know. It's my theory that maybe a Mello Yello high is necessary to try and figure out this other free item that arrived recently...

As a receptionist I get to see tons of cool shit come through the mail. Never mine - but meh - it's all good. Today was no exception as I instant messaged Patty Marsters: "You've got some mail!"

She appeared at my window and squealed, "OOoooo!"

I handed her my pair of scissors and we both stared at this box with HUGE smiles on our faces.

There were oodles and oodles of free things in it - stylish things. There was a nail clipper set, some cool nail polish that I would go as far as to rename "Erin Dewitt Red". Also a cute little DVD holder with all the latest episodes from the Style network.

However, one item caught my eye - a pink bathrobe!

"Oh my goodness Patty can I wear it?" - Me
"Of course! Oh it looks wonderful!" - Patty

As you can see, it matches perfectly with the pink beach cruiser here in our sales department.

PS. Yup, that's a fake crow there on the ceiling - a friend of Ryan Cox.

For the purposes of this post, let's just pretend that instead of the word "crap" in that li'l logo, you see the word "awesomeness." Because although I use the word crap generically here to mean "stuff," I really don't wanna offend the folks who sent me the recent haul.

Some background: This year, I finally made it into the Los Angeles Film Critics' Association (LAFCA), and the biggest perk of that is getting to vote for our own awards at the end of the year, then having a mini-ceremony in January that's kind of like the Oscars except that the winners are usually actually good films.

And since it's damn near impossible to see every award-worthy movie, especially since the studios never ever hold press screenings in OC for some reason, I get free DVDs in the mail.

So what would you guess the first DVDs to arrive were, dear reader? Perhaps that foreign movie about people who have trouble expressing their feelings? Or maybe that one where some famous actor talks with a foreign accent? All 25 Iraq war documentaries?

Not quite...

Hey, you know how hard it is to tell what the weather's like outside? Wait...you don't? Oh right, we don't really have "weather," per se. But imagine if you did, and let's say, hypothetically, you lived someplace where it could be cold outside even if the sun's still shining, like maybe Canada (do we have any Canadian readers? Howdy, eh?).

That is when you could use the services of My Little Weather Buddy. A static cling sticker to slap on the outside of your nearest window, this li'l kid has clothes that appear and disappear depending on what the temperature's like outside (but don't get excited, Catholic priests -- he never wears less than a t-shirt and shorts. Besides, he's a cartoon. Though if they could rework the whole concept with a photo-realistic chick in a bikini, the money-making prospects seem endless).

We slapped the sticker on the cubicle window of managing editor Rich Kane, and even though it's all cold and dark inside Rich's realm, the clothes on the kid haven't changed, as you'll see from the photo after the cut. It's more fun to play around with the virtual version on the Weather Buddy website.

It's always tedious to hear health-freaks go on and on about the benefits of this or that special shake. But now there's a drink that gets right to the point, putting you to sleep all by itself.

(I thought such a thing already existed, and was called "whiskey." The things you learn in this job...)

So behold "dreamerz," billed as an "All Natural Sleep Beverage" and a "Dietary Supplement." The product's officially trademarked tagline is "Good Night, Better Day!", and the flavor, of course, is "chocolate s'nores." The allegedly active ingredients are "Lactium" (a registered trademark of some kind of milk protein), Stevia leaf, and Melatonin. Also, it's sweetened with "crystallized cane juice" rather than high-fructose corn syrup, which seems like a good thing.

Just in case you're stupid, the package also bears the following warning:

"Caution: May cause drowsiness."

Free crap photo behind the cut...

Here's a pretty stylish free shoulder bag, advertising "the first live-action series from Cartoon Network" about a boy who sees cartoon characters everywhere he looks.

I think they already did a movie about this mental condition, called "Miss Potter," with Renee Zellweger. All about how that chick who wrote "Peter Rabbit" had insane hallucinations and talked to herself, or something. I assume there'll be no mention of LSD on the show, but I could be wrong. The image on the bag sure looks psychedelic, though.

(click "Read On" link below to see the free crap)

When a fast-food-type bucket says "Fried Dynamite" on it, I expect it to deliver. Pay attention, OC Fair vendors: balls of fried dynamite sauce (that spicy cooked mayo that sushi restaurants tend to serve scallops in) would be a great greaseball snack.

But the only food in here was...four atomic fireball candies, which Janine and our receptionist Leslie nearly came to blows over (Balls of Fury?). The temporary tattoos, not so much.

Nor is Fried Dynamite the long-lost drug-addicted sibling of Napoleon. Dang! Apparently it's something on Cartoon Network.

And those kids on the bucket -- frightening.

(free crap behind cut)

I like to "live on the go." Who doesn't? But I never knew before that it makes take-out easy. I'd prefer something that takes make-out easy, but you roll with what you get.

This may be the first gift basket ever in which a green plastic bag is offered as if it were something special, though it makes for a nice color contrast with the foam tomato. I will never wear the T-shirt, and probably won't use the metal coffee mug much. But it was nice of them to include a gift card for $10, though I'm betting they don't sell anything that cheap.

Oh, and liveonthego.com is some kind of online menu service that partners with other restaurants so that you can preorder food for pickup. Sounds like a middle-man that could be easily cut out, but they sure do make purty baskets:

(pic behind the cut)

A: It let out a little wine.

Non-alcoholics who saw Sideways and wondered what all the fuss was about now have their own shot at tasting fancy grapeage -- First Blush appears to be grape juice made from them thar fancy-like fruits whut the French use for alkyhol. Cabernet and Chardonnay, minus the buzz, "gently flash pasteurized."

This was actually sent to Gustavo in the mail rather than me. People know better than to send me something non-alcoholic.

(See free crap behind cut.)

I like the idea of bribing me with food in order to get me to pay attention to a cause. PETA, for one, would do better to give away free vegetarian food that tastes good rather than getting celebrities to act like idiots -- sorry, but I'm not gonna spare the poor animals' lives if it means eating disgusting crap for the rest of mine.

And speaking of disgusting -- granola bars with dried fruit just ain't my thing. Which I know is weird coming from someone who eats duck fetus and snails, but y'know, those are moist.

So yeah, save the hiking trails. I like hiking trails. Just not raisin granola.

(See said free crap behind the cut.)

I don't know why I'm being singled out by Vichy as someone to whom massive amounts of skin-care products should be sent, but the packages just keep coming. This time, something called "Chrono-Action-Anti-Imperfection Care" (always wanted to cure myself of being imperfect!), as well as something called "NormaDerm medicated acne system."

Acne hasn't been an issue for me since I got out of high school and stopped shooting steroids. But maybe we have an intern young enough to use it somewhere.

(P.S. The steroid thing is a joke. If you've seen my lack of ab definition, you know this.)

Hit 'Read On' to see said free crap.

Having previously sent me an entire handbag full of their skin-care products, Vichy are at it again. I didn't do a feature on them, and I'm not planning on one any time soon, but clearly, they don't mind.

Inside a rather large box came a medium-sized gift bag, stuffed with colored paper, and...a solitary tube of sunscreen. (See the latter behind the cut.)

Sunscreen, I can use. I still haven't figured out what the point of having ten different moisturizers is, though.

You think these are cupcakes. But in fact, they are "Beasley Poppers," and Paris Hilton likes them.

In the interests of objectivity, since they were sent to me for some reason -- most likely because of my stunning resemblance to Paris Hilton -- I recuse myself from reviewing them, and instead defer to some of my fellow staffers.

Gustavo Arellano [making a shrugging gesture]: "Mm-ph."

Derek Olson: "It's diabetilicious."

Janine Kahn: "Things taste better when they're free."

Vickie Chang: "My chocolate one (with chocolate frosting) was too sweet. (But I still ate it all.) "

When you write for a paper, people just send you stuff, hoping you'll do a story about it.

These two big packages came in the OC Weekly mail the other day, addressed to me, presumably because they read my cover story about puppets and thought that somehow I'd be up for a feature on Starbucks' new line of products. Or skin-care stuff.

Being a dude, I don't even use one skin-care product, let alone the 10 or so that came in this white handbag. Except when I get a new tattoo—but I can't afford one just now. I also don't carry a handbag. And if I did, it' d be black with pictures of giant robots and semi-naked chicks on it.

What does Bob Marley have to do with Starbucks? I don't know, but the CD came with all the other stuff. As for the hideous orange color of the tote bag, maybe the Starbucks people expect me to be playing in traffic while I enjoy water from their sippy cup. Or hunting deer.