Chronic-what?

You know what I'm saying. There's really only one choice this weekend, like it or not (I'll probably be saying that a lot in the weeks to come). So yeah, PRINCE CASPIAN is here. And it's no secret that the book is the lamest of the Narnia books. Basically all that happens in it is that the four kids from the last story get summoned back to Narnia by Susan's magic horn, they walk around in the woods for a while, meet a prickly dwarf named Trumpkin who tells them the story of Prince Caspian, then they run into Prince Caspian, then his evil uncle Miraz shows up and Peter fights him. The end.

Not exactly a cinematic structure, that. So director Andrew Adamson had a bit more of a challenge on his hands here. Adapting THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE faithfully worked out well, but CASPIAN needs some tweaking. And tweak he does: the story begins in Narnia with the borth of Lord Miraz' son, giving him the leeway to kill nephew Caspian, who then flees to the forests of Narnia. Now, it turns out that Caspian and Miraz are both part of a race called Telemarines, who are basically Conquistadors that invaded Narnia some years back (1300 years have passed since the last movie), but Caspian is pretty much the only one of them who's any good. It has been believed that Narnia's fairy-tale creatures were purged -- making Miraz essentially the equivalent of Lord Farquad from SHREK, a previous Adamson film -- but Caspian soon finds out otherwise, when he encounters a pair of dwarfs, one being the aforementioned Trumpkin (Peter Dinklage, who should never be asked to fake an accent, EVER; he cannot do it, and LASSIE should have proven that fact definitively) and the other being borderline evil Nikabrik (Warwick Davis, embodying the hypothetical offspring of Willow and Leprechaun).

I'm sure you're all going to SPEED RACER. I probably will at some point too. But I have to say that after watching the first seven minutes online, I'm really less than enthused.

The idea of a Speed Racer movie has always struck me as the sort of thing you'd see in some kind of parody movie about the film industry, something Griffin Mill or the cast of FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION would greenlight, as a commentary on how sad blockbusters have become. Realistically, folks, the cartoon was poorly animated, badly dubbed, and as such mostly insufferable except as a curiosity. Nonetheless, the Wachowski siblings appear to have thrown themselves headlong into the task of making it as strange an experience as possible, and since it looks like every review out there references some kind of colorful candy or breakfast cereal brand, I'll refrain from doing so and say that it looks like a good-sized post-birthday party puke.

But there's another visual feast opening this weekend, and that's my real pick: Tarsem Singh's THE FALL. I know there were problems with his first major movie THE CELL, but I truly believe they were part and parcel of the New Line brass at the time. It didn't seem like coincidence that THE CELL, DARK CITY, and SPAWN all came out within a short window, and all had killer visuals but were hampered with a story that felt the need to explain itself again and again via gratuitous expository dialogue.

Tarsem's newest is more independent, a labor of love shot all over the world over the course of four years. Still looks to have amazing visuals, though. Here, just see for yourself:

There's really only one, isn't there?

I mean, sure, if you live near an L.A. art-house theater, you can and should go see SON OF RAMBOW, unless you already caught it at the Newport Beach fest. But I don't need to tell you what the main movie to see this weekend is.

[Adopting Beavis and Butt-head voice and clutching air guitar] DUH, DUH, DUDUDUH! DUDUDUDUDUDUH DUH DUHDUH DUH!

Okay, some things don't translate so well to the printed word. But that's the riff from IRON MAN.

I'd love to review the movie for you right here and now...but I was at the film festival all weekend and didn't have time to see it. I wonder if it'll be playing anywhere nearby?

[That's a joke. Obviously it's playing everywhere]

While I am somewhat sick of superhero origin movies, I am a big fan of the directing skills of Jon Favreau. ELF is the only recent Christmas film that merits incorporation into the grand pantheon of cinematic holiday classics, and ZATHURA is children's sci-fi at its best (though it is somewhat scary for littler ones—my brothers were creeped out by the carnivorous aliens).

Now, take Favreau, and give him Robert Downey Jr. to work with, and if it's anything less than magic one can only assume that they had a whole lot of bad days. I can't imagine them misstepping.

Unless they don't use the Black Sabbath song at all, that is.

Dual picks today, because I have the sense to recognize when my personal taste is likely to diverge from yours.

First, PATHOLOGY, in which Crank creators "Neveldine & Taylor," who apparently no longer require the luxury of first names, script a tale of deranged young doctors in the L.A. coroner’s office who test each other to come up with ever-more elaborate murders in hopes of stumping their colleagues as to the cause of death. The duo bring their crazed, anything-goes sensibility to the table, but aren’t a perfect match with German director Marc Schoelermann, who seems to like his horror more brooding and artsy.

So while our main characters engage in plenty of gratuitous sex, violence, and combinations of both, Schoelermann will be damned if he lets his main character, the rather obviously named Dr. Grey (Milo Ventimiglia), look like he’s enjoying a second of it. As the new kid who gets swept up in all the madness, Ventimigilia is morose from the start and not exactly the portrait of seduced innocence this story really needs. Nonetheless, when a movie opens with the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally as performed by cadavers, and later proceeds to sex scenes involving scalpels and needles, the actual plot becomes inconsequential. Fans of hard-R exploitation will love this; everyone else will likely be appalled. Screw ‘em.

I realize that may not be the masses' cup of tea, so allow me to also suggest the more family friendly FORBIDDEN KINGDOM. When I first heard that Jackie Chan and Jet Li would be doing a movie together, I was excited. Then when I heard it would be directed by the Stuart Little guy and star a dopey white kid, my heart sank. I mean, I enjoyed Warriors of Virtue as much as anybody (dopey white kid plus kung-fu kangaroos), but I expect more from Jet and Jackie.

Then I saw the movie, and it's pretty decent. The set-up, in which said dumb kid finds a magic staff that transports him back to ancient China, is very '80s. The rest is just a story that seems to be made up as it goes along, involving lots of fights, including one between Jackie and Jet that's the equivalent of so many Marvel superhero battles: the big names have a misunderstanding, then battle to an effective draw before teaming up against the real menace (Collin Chou).

Also Jet pisses in Jackie's face at one point. That's just weird, and a little fetishistic. But arguably no more so than rubber nipples on Batman.

All told, it's a fairly kickass kung-fu flick for kids. Bloodless, but just make sure your young 'uns are past the stage of copying all the moves they see.

STREET KINGS

I'm not sure STREET KINGS will be a big popular hit. The public likes people to root for: heroes and villains, not a whole cast of morally compromised individuals. But if you're like me and groove on contemporary South Central crime dramas where the cops are bad and the crooks often even worse, this is the one. I should note that I'm already a fan of David Ayer, screenwriter of TRAINING DAY and director of HARSH TIMES (the only flaw in that one was that its ending was so inevitable). I also like Keanu Reeves when he's used in the right way (hint: don't ask him to do Shakespeare). Here he is, and he even goes light on the makeup to make his skin look kinda scarred and blotchy.

Reeves plays alkie Tom Ludlow, whose booze of choice is airplane-size bottles of vodka, ostensibly because they can't be smelled on the breath, is a star officer in the precinct of Captain Wander (Forest Whitaker, doing his best Denzel impersonation). But internal affairs are on his case, and his ex-partner Terrence (Terry Crewes) might be about to turn rat. But before Ludlow can have it out with his former pal, the latter is killed by apparent gangbangers. As Ludlow tries to catch the perps, he starts to realize that maybe it wasn't an accident or coincidence (ya think?)

The brilliance of Ayer's work here is that he knows we action-junkies will accept a degree of vigilante justice onscreen, even if, like me, we're bleeding hearts in reality. So when things kick off with Keanu busting in on a crime ring, shooting the bad guys in cold blood, and fudging the evidence, it's kind of okay, because it's made very clear that these guys were torturing and raping underage girls whom they locked in a hidden cage. So you watch this and go, "Well maybe sometimes it is okay to have a little police brutality. Necessary evil and all that."

You go along with that. But then Ayer keeps upping the ante, to the point where finally you go, "Okay, NOW this shit they're doing is definitely unacceptable." But you missed the point where a line was specifically crossed -- Ayer has gotten you so used to different hues of gray that it wasn't clear when they turned black.

On a minor note, I like that Cedric the Entertainer is billed here with "the Entertainer" in quotes, which is how I've always imagined it anyway. Though I will say he's decent in small dramatic roles, and I hope he keeps at those and away from broad "comedies."

For the first time in many weeks, there's actually a movie I'm excited to see this weekend. And I probably won't get to it because I'm busy cramming for the Newport Beach fest. But I ain't gonna lie, I really do want to see THE RUINS.

I know what you're thinking, that this is just another SHUTTER or ONE MISSED CALL or any of those other crappy "horror" movies that haven't screened in time for review and I've ended up covering. But I'm thinking not, and here's why;

1. It's rated R. Those other ones were all pandering PG-13. If a movie is rated R and doesn't screen, it has a chance of being good (see also CRANK, SAW III).

2. It's based on a book. In horror movie code, that means "might have a script that's slightly above stupid."

3. It has decent actors in it, namely Jena Malone from DONNIE DARKO, and Shawn Ashmore from the X-MEN movies. Malone in particular doesn't usually do mindless garbage, and Ashmore probably has enough action figure residuals that he doesn't have to do stuff he doesn't like.

4. It's about killer vines getting all under your skin and stuff. Sounds high-concept, but this kind of thing actually happens, sort of.

5. Fangoria's Michael Gingold gave it a good review. And he didn't like any of those other non-screening movies I mentioned.

So I'm looking forward to it, at some point in the future when I have free time. You guys need to go see it now so it'll do well enough to still be in theaters by the time that free time of mine comes around. it is your duty as my disciples. Thank you.

If you read my entry a few posts down, you know it isn't going to be SUPERHERO MOVIE (mark my words, eventually someone will put out a film entitled PARODY MOVIE, and it will still suck, but in a really postmodern kind of way).

So, what to pick this weekend? 21 or STOP LOSS? Because those are really you're only choices unless you want to drive out of county and see AMERICAN ZOMBIE or something like that (better yet, go see THE ROOM Saturday midnight at the Sunset 5. It's been running there for four years now, and is a must-attend for any cinemaniac at some point).

I'm stalling because it's hard to make a pick. But I'm going to go with STOP LOSS. And not just because it's Kimberly Peirce's follow-up to BOYS DON'T CRY, though that's a good reason. It's also because 21 sounds lame -- it stars a white guy playing a person who was actually Asian.

But here's another thing I dig about STOP LOSS, and which will make for some really genius Youtube mash-ups a year or so from now: It stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Channing Tatum as army buddies.

Geeks know where I'm going with this. There's a big blockbuster movie set for next year that also stars Tatum and Gordon-Levitt as army buddies who have a major falling out.

It's called G.I. JOE. And they're playing Duke and Cobra Commander, respectively.

Think of this as the prequel.

FLASH POINT

This is, admittedly, a slightly qualified pick. I wanted to pick DOOMSDAY, but the fact that it didn't screen for review even to the geek websites is a really bad sign. As is the fact that it stars Rhona Mitra. And that Malcolm McDowell seems to have been removed from all advertising materials -- was he embarrassed?

I'd also like to be able to pick HORTON HEARS A WHO, but I just have this sinking feeling that Dr. Seuss has been Shrekified, and that would make me sad. The downside potential is just too great for me to risk my meager reputation in recommending it to you.

So, FLASH POINT. This one is a bit of a challenge to write about, because I'm pretty certain that the character names as seen on the movie's subtitles are not all the same names that the credits and press materials have. Louis Koo's character, on the official website, is called "Wilson." Not so in the movie -- I could've sworn it was something like "Ha Neung." And I remember quite specifically one of the villains in the movie was called "A Hu," which I thought was funny because he's an A-hole, but the site says he's "Tiger."

Twofold pick this week.

If you're not yet caught up on the Oscar nominees for Best Picture, then the AMC quintuple-feature of all of them is the best deal in town, tomorrow at 11 a.m., at The Block in Orange as well as a couple of other area multiplexes. Thirty bucks, with in-and-out privileges, and all-you-can-eat popcorn. I may have mixed feelings on the merits, overstated or otherwise, of some of these films, but all are ultimately worth seeing.

If that bores you, then I recommend THE SIGNAL. I'm not going to give a full review here, as the version I've seen was a festival version that has since been recut, though judging by the reviews I've read, one of my most nagging issues with the film -- an intro that appears to bear no relation to the rest of the story -- has been fixed and fully integrated. I'm glad to hear it, because even with that nit-pick, the movie was without a doubt one of the best I saw last year, and the first strong contender this year for any future best-of list.

Directed by three different people, THE SIGNAL is more cohesive than you'd expect. The premise is simple: All televisions, monitors, computers, etc. start broadcasting a hypnotic signal that brings out the craziest, most homicidal side of anyone who watches it. Some people show the signs more overtly than others, and the mid-section of the film, veers into very dark comedy as a particular group's derangement manifests itself in a bizarre forced normality, proceeding with a dinner party even as the world ends outside.

It's hard to go into more detail since it's been a while since I've seen it. But I can't wait to see it again. Nor should you.

THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES

Spiderwick, Spiderwick, does whatever a Spiderwick does...

“And what exactly might that be?” I hear you inquire.

In short: Entertain. THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES, aside from its blatant CG, is a charming throwback to all those Spielberg-produced kid movies of the '80s. Its kids feel real, there's danger but not too much. And just enough sentiment to make you feel, but not so much you'll feel manipulated.

Most impressive of all, perhaps, is that it features Martin Short voicing a computer-generated character who somehow manages not to be annoying, and a better-than-adequate dual performance by the previously insufferable English kid Freddie Highmore (of undeserved FINDING NEVERLAND acclaim) as identical American twins, moody Jared Grace and his nerdy bro Simon. Their older sister Mallory is played by Irish actress Sarah Bolger (IN AMERICA), who also pulls off the American thing believably. (How come we're letting all these aliens steal work from American child actors, huh? Oh, right, American child actors tend to be unbearably cutesy.)

IN BRUGES

I'm slightly bummed. A new Colin Farrell action-comedy opened today, but not at The Block, so no midnight screening was to be had. Guess I'll have to find some other time that works, when the kiddies (mostly) won't be out in force.

Anyway, in case you haven't heard about this movie, don't be fooled by the title into thinking it's some kind of art-house flick. It's Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson hiding out in Bruges, which is a European town where my grandfather was once held as a German POW (yep, really). And they're both doing they're natural Irish accents for once, and talking shit, cursing a mile a minute like real Irishmen do.

Just like in the Harry Potter movies, Gleeson must help his young charge to defeat Ralph Fiennes, which is always a worthy goal, since Fiennes mostly sucks. But he's best as a villain -- so long as he doesn't do that high-pitched Voldemort whine that's supposed to be frightening but sounds girlish -- so there's hope for the man.

I hear there's midgets in this movie too. And Farrell karate-chops one of them. Enough said.

CLOVERFIELD

Since many people are asking what exactly “Cloverfield” means in the context of the movie, let's deal with that right of the bat – it doesn't mean anything. It wasn't even supposed to be the film's real title initially, just a red herring to throw people off track named after one of the streets near producer J.J. Abrams' West L.A. Office. But once the buzz began following the untitled trailer in front of Transformers, that was the name that stuck – its only reference in the movie comes at the beginning when we are told that what we are about to see is footage dealing with a military case designated with that code name, found in “the area formerly known as Central Park.” That gets a laugh – one of the film's few.

Our sister publications LA Weekly and Village Voice just published their annual, massive film critics' poll for 2007, which includes 102 of the nation's critics, some of whom you know and some you don't, though all of the critics you regularly read in our paper are included. (My own page in the poll is HERE.)

Topping the list are the usual faves: THERE WILL BE BLOOD, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, etc. But further down the list you get to more eccentric choices -- NORBIT? Comedy is highly subjective, I suppose; I put HOT ROD on my list, after all. And I have to give mad props to whoever voted for "Meatwad" as Best Supporting Actor for his role in the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie (were there an award for best poster, that would have to take it too). SOUTHLAND TALES is loved and hated, but it's interesting to note that most of its strongest supporters don't actually live in the Southland.

The Worst list is where things get interesting. I hate when readers impugn motives without evidence, so I don't want to do it too much here, but it's notable that almost every highly acclaimed movie of '07 is on the Worst list somewhere. I understand visceral reactions to polemics like REDACTED (though I liked it) or even the "cranky critic" reaction against FX-heavy flicks like 300 and TRANSFORMERS. But when titles like JUNO and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN make the list, it feels like the choice is simply to spite one's peers, a reactive move prompted by them being chosen as #1 elsewhere -- I confess, I was tempted to vote for THERE WILL BE BLOOD just because I'm tired of it winning everything and being excessively compared to Welles and Kubrick (oh, how it wants to be them, but it ain't), but it has a lot of merits despite its flaws.

But really, there are things one can reasonably dislike about a movie like JUNO; but...worse than EPIC MOVIE? Worse than BRATZ? THE MESSENGERS? There may be an element here of critics with a certain degree of power choosing not to have seen those movies in the first place. Or the idea that such films aren't even worthy of bashing.

What do I know, though. I liked SHOOT 'EM UP.

I'll be seeing ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM on the 25th, but in the meantime, we have a real gem opening today...

ROMANCE AND CIGARETTES

It's been on the shelf for almost three years – lost in the shuffle when MGM was sold to Sony – but don't let that scare you.

It's a musical – but try not to let that scare you either. I'll admit I'm not the biggest fan of musicals; like many a straight guy, I learned to appreciate the form primarily from Trey Parker. Comedies that are already inherently absurd make more sense with musical numbers, as do Disney fantasies – it's when a movie is serious and musical that it's harder for me to like. CHICAGO, let's face it, was a gay man's conception of what a straight guy ought to find sexy. RENT I'm not gonna touch. HAIRSPRAY – totally not my thing. For me, musicals work on stage in a way that they can't onscreen, because the experience is akin to a live concert, and concerts don't generally translate well to the big screen either.

I AM LEGEND

Will Smith has been a legend before onscreen, but while Bagger Vance carried golf clubs for the white man, the new legendary Will shoots white people. Really white people. Mutants, in fact, who got that way due to a cure for cancer that went a little awry (all Emma Thompson's fault, as it turns out), turning every human being into a super-charged chemotherapy victim, sort of like the singer from Midnight Oil. Debate amongst yourselves whether they count as vampires or zombies – they eat flesh, get badly burned by sunlight, and can spread their disease by biting, except if you're Will Smith and happen to be immune because your T-cells were all, like, “Awww hell nahhh!”

If you're a horror fan, see TIMBER FALLS this weekend. If you aren't, it won't be the one that wins you over. Call it The West Virginia Switchblade-Sickle Massacre. When a young couple (Edward Burns wannabe Josh Randall and Brittany Murphy wannabe Brianna Brown) go on a hike in a state park, they take the trail less traveled by, and that makes all the difference, as it’s inhabited by your average homicidal Bible-quoting lunatics with their own private dungeon.

There’s not much here you haven’t seen before in other permutations — save for the villains’ bizarre, impractical master plan — but director Tony Giglio doesn’t skimp on the goods, delivering ample amounts of blood, torture, sex, deformities, skinny dipping and the requisite dose of anti-red-state paranoia. No one who’s seen any horror movies will be surprised when a seemingly benevolent officer (Sylva, North Carolina's own Nick Searcy) turns out to be in on the plot the whole time, but you may be taken aback by how much you end up rooting for the leads to survive, which is a testament to their acting skills considering how annoyingly pretty they are. Giglio doesn’t quite seem able to decide what his tone is, incongruously mixing goofy redneck humor with harrowing scenes of intense pain, but horror fans should dig it nonetheless — I did. Not recommended for the devoutly religious, moralistic scolds or anyone with a sensitive stomach.

Ooooh yeah, dig it...THE SAVAGES.

The name of the movie is one of those insufferable cutesy puns – these characters have the surname of “Savage” and they behave poorly! Why, that's ironic! -- but don't let that deter you from the rest of the movie, a film that achieves the rare balance of being both hilarious and tragic.

It begins with a lovably surreal musical number in the suburbs of Arizona, with elderly chorus girls, before rubbing our faces in shit, literally – Dad Savage (Philip Bosco) is losing his mind, and writing words in his feces. If that weren't bad enough, his elderly wife then dies...only she's not his wife, just a long-term companion with whom he had the equivalent of a pre-nup, so that on her death, he gets nothing but a metaphorical boot out the door, right when he needs care the most.

Since the weekend is coming a little early, it's time for some early picks. But one doesn't come easily -- I went by The Block last night with the full intention of seeing a midnight movie, then came home when I decided none of them seemed as interesting as the Academy screeners I had at home.

However, none of those midnight showings was of THE MIST, which I do want to see, based on a Stephen King novella that scared the hell out of me in my teens. I still don't understand the appeal of Tom Jane as an actor -- if you want a Christopher Lambert lookalike, the real deal comes cheap and has a funky gravelly French accent to boot -- but Andre Braugher's always fun, and doesn't work as much as he should. Word is the creatures are suitably ugly too.

ENCHANTED is supposed to be surprisingly good, with some honest-to-goodness Oscar talk aimed in the direction of Amy Adams as a cartoon princess brought into the real world. I figured that Princess Clara on TV's "Drawn Together" already milked that cliche for all its worth in the R-rated realm, but Susan Sarandon as the wicked witch seems promising.

HITMAN looks like a misfire, which is unfortunate -- the director got sacked during post-production, and Timothy Olyphant just doesn't seem like a badass. If Vin Diesel and Jason Statham turned this down, something rotten is afoot.

Meanwhile, if you haven't yet, go see Sidney Lumet's BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD. It makes a semi-decent actor out of Ethan Hawke, has Philip Seymour Hoffman being a jerk, Michael Shannon doing his crazy-eyes thing, and Albert Finney as a mean ol' dad, plus Marisa Tomei gets naked a lot. Can't miss with all that.

Though I'm mightily anxious to see Richard Kelly's DONNIE DARKO follow-up SOUTHLAND TALES, the weekend's top film pick is a no-brainer.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. People are calling it the best film of the year, and if it isn't, it's darn close.

The Coen brothers have been spinning their wheels for a while -- O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU was good, but I can take or leave INTOLERABLE CRUELTY, THE LADYKILLERS, THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE, and much as I know BIG LEBOWSKI is now beloved by stoner-hipsters, it really isn't as good as the cultists say.

But this is hardcore. There are echoes of previous work --a terminator-like character a la RAISING ARIZONA, and the combination violent-heist/mockery-of-local-speech-patterns obsession of FARGO. Some have said this film is bereft of mockery or humor; I disagree, as undoubtedly would the numerous audience members who laughed with the movie when I saw it. The Coens have a lot of fun with Southern speech, from the overly clipped macho variety ("Where'd you get that gun?" "The gettin' place") to the long, rambling, roundabout way some folks just have when trying to amicably pass the time.

When Llewellyn (Josh Brolin, looking like a dead ringer for a young Nick Nolte) comes across the remnants of a shootout and a suitcase full of money, he takes the cash and gets away clean, until his conscience overtakes him, and he returns to the scene of the crime to give some water to the half-dead man he found there. He is spotted by pissed-off Mexican drug dealers also returning to the scene, and flees, little knowing that the Biggest Badass In the World, a Terminator-like figure named Chigurh (Javier Bardem, with a He-Man pageboy haircut and Lon Chaney scowl of evil) who kills people using an air gun powerful enough to shoot holes in their heads.

All this is observed by an aging sheriff (Tommy Lee Jones), who feels that time is passing him by, and the world is becoming more depraved and unstoppably evil than a man like he can cope with. If Clint Eastwood were the director, this sheriff would undoubtedly saddle up one last time and conquer evil, maybe sustaining a fatal wound in the process. But the Coens are in charge, and they don't play it like that -- this sheriff doesn't just fear he's ineffectual -- he IS ineffectual, powerless to stop the drama unfold.

And that's going to be a big dividing line among viewers of the film. Though the movie doesn't skimp on action and suspense, it doesn't offer a conventionally satisfying conclusion (that's all I'll say on it, and you're better off knowing that going in). Key dramatic moments happen entirely off-camera sometimes, which will piss some people off. But those people may miss the larger themes -- this is less about who gets the money than the fact that nobody can stop the rising darkness in the world (the movie's set in 1980). Naturalism, not heroism.

I haven't read the Cormac MacCarthy novel this is based on -- apparently, the plot and dialogue are quite faithful, though the speech has such a Coen ring to it that an outsider must conclude either that they rewrote things in their style, or that the book complimented their rhythms so perfectly that it was a match made in inevitability. Either way, it's a fantastic choice, and a movie well worth your time.

Caveats: For a mainstream Oscar-aspiring drama, this has some shocks, and moments of violence and gore, that are intense. It also has almost no estrogen -- this is a "guy movie" through and through. Llewellyn's wife and mother play supporting roles, but have little bearing in the action.

I got to see four out of the 8 FILMS TO DIE FOR, and three of them are worth your time if you're a fan of horror, especially the scrappy, low-budget kind.

Crossed signals kept my capsule review from appearing in this week's paper (it should run in our next ish), so here's an expanded version:

You don’t have to be a fan of scary movies to see that the annual After Dark Horrorfest model is good news for film lovers interested in novel means of booking truly independent movies with few or no stars into multiplexes nationwide. Last year, however, the festival took place over a single weekend and declined to screen any of its films in advance for the press, completely eliminating the possibility for word-of-mouth buzz to build. This year, that situation has been remedied, as the fest will play two weekends, and four of the movies have been made available to us in advance. Perhaps surprisingly, they’re not bad: Rather than relying on gratuitous gore and cheap shock editing to grab audiences’ attention, all four take their time to establish characters and environments at a relatively slow pace, which ultimately heightens the tension later, when all hell inevitably breaks loose.

This week's pick is a no-brainer. It's WRISTCUTTERS: A LOVE STORY.

I don't think the movie has been promoted correctly -- I haven't seen any trailers, just those annoying li'l wraparound things on the OC Weekly papers. You may have been misled. I caught this movie at AFI Fest last year, when it had no distribution, and fell in love (but didn't cut my wrists). My original review follows below:

How to go about this, when I've already written so much about this week in film?

Well, for starters, SAW IV is only a pick for hardcore SAW fans like me, and it's still likely to disappoint them a little bit.

FINISHING THE GAME, the Justin Lin comedy about the making of Bruce Lee's GAME OF DEATH, is recommended if you're a cinephile with a taste for indie comedy, and also just because it's worth encouraging Justin Lin's indie films rather than his big-studio paychecks. For more on this, read the interview with Lin in our current issue.

But the movie I'm most interested in seeing, despite many bad reviews, is SLIPSTREAM, directed by Anthony Hopkins in an apparent attempt to go all David Lynch on our asses. It's often a very bad sign when a new director tries to channel Lynch...but if Hannibal the freakin' cannibal wants to give it a shot, I'll give him all the benefit of my doubts.

That Joy Division movie CONTROL by Anton Corbijn looks like it might be pretty good, too...unless you hate Joy Division for some reason.

This week’s pick is one I must confess to being not 100% on...but I might as well tell you a bit about it and let you make up your own mind.

30 DAYS OF NIGHT

It’s too bad this adaptation of the vampire comic book needed to be made right now – waiting for Zack Snyder or Robert Rodriguez to become available might have been a more prudent move since, not unlike 300 and SIN CITY, the primary appeal of the comic was its stylized artwork that really can’t be duplicated in live action, though some imaginative CG artists could probably come close working with a green screen, like maybe the artists who worked on MIRRORMASK, which brought Dave McKean’s style to the screen in ways I wouldn’t have thought possible. The only stylized touch that remains in the movie is the design of the vampire mouths, like mini-Sarlaccs without tentacles, gaping maws with layers of sharpened teeth for ultra-swift blood-gorging. And then the movie adds its own aesthetic quirk by having the vampires speak in what seems to be a mixture of German and dolphin shrieks. And yet sometimes our American protagonists seem to understand them anyway. Must all be in the body language.

My pick for this week is....

TYLER PERRY'S WHY DID I GET MARRIED?

Just kidding.

But I think I know the answer to the question posed in the title. It's something along the lines of “because black people stick together and that's the way Jesus likes it.” Yes, I might have had to see a Tyler Perry movie or two in the course of my employment as a film reviewer.

I did get to see WE OWN THE NIGHT, but I can't wholeheartedly recommend it, unless you're the type of viewer for whom seeing Eva Mendes' right boob is worth any price. The whole “noble villain/short-sighted hero” bit was done way better in 3:10 TO YUMA. Basic premise: Joaquin Phoenix is a crooked nightclub owner whose brother (Marky Mark) and father (Robert Duvall) are both cops. But when crooks that Joaquin knows nearly kill his bro, he decides to turn informant. And I have to ask...this particular dilemma never came up before? Crooks never ever tried to kill his dad or brother any other time?

Regardless, there are some good sequences in there, and I like that the trailer only gave away stuff from the first half hour or so, but overall it's nothing special, really.

I am interested in MICHAEL CLAYTON, though I have only the vaguest idea what it's about. George Clooney as some type of a-hole lawyer, and the reviews I'm hearing are good. So that's my pick, but I can't give you a great reason for it this time.

And see THE HEARTBREAK KID if you haven't yet. Neither the Farrellys or Ben Stiller have been this good since their last collaboration. It's totally cynical and mean, and I love it. Malin Akerman is amazing, and I look forward to her work in WATCHMEN, as she actually looks not unlike Dave Gibbons' drawings. Be sure to stay till the very end of the credits, too.

It's hard to get all that enthused about some of the releases this week, but there's one that I'm definitely all fired up NOT to see.

THE SEEKER: THE DARK IS RISING

Remember back when Harry Potter was first going to be a movie, and it was suggested that Steven Spielberg would direct, with Haley Joel Osment in the lead, re-setting the action in America? Aren't you glad that didn't happen? Or maybe you're one of those who complained that the Harry Potter movies were somehow too faithful, whatever that means (what if I told you your wife's too faithful? See, it's kinda silly to say). If that's the case, Hollywood has answered your prayers with an adaptation of a well-liked English fantasy novel from a series of five, in which the hero has been turned American, given a dysfunctional family rather than a loving one...oh, and a potential girlfriend, too. Throw in the fact that the director admits to not having read the other books in the series, and therefore has no idea how things should ultimately pay off, and a thoroughly miscast Ian MacShane as Merriman Lion, a.k.a. Merlin (maybe, kinda-sorta) who has gone on record saying that these children's books, which I understood perfectly well when I was nine, are way too dense and need simplification.

Yeah. Seems like a real winner. Don't expect the other four installments to get made. Admittedly, the series is uneven -- some of the books aren't too good by themselves, but I remember the final one, Silver on the Tree, being a great finale to the whole thing.

Theories abound that the Christian-based Walden Media wanted to tone down the book's more pagan aspects; I've no idea if that's true, but it looks mainly like a typical Hollywood fuck-up.

So what to see this week? I have some hope for THE HEARTBREAK KID, since the reviews at large are complaining that it's too "mean-spirited"; lack of mean spirit has been the Farrelly brothers' problem for a long time, so it's great if they recaptured it. And THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD is supposed to be both amazing and amazingly long; don't buy the large Coke if you're going to that.

If you're going to be in L.A., Wes Anderson's new one, THE DARJEELING LIMITED, looks like another quirky winner. Down here we have to wait for it a li'l longer, though.

This weekend, get your butts to the Edwards University theater to check out GREAT WORLD OF SOUND.

I had the chance to see this earlier in the year at the L.A. Film Fest. Pardon the self-plagiarism, but what I said at the time bears repeating:

The success of Borat: Long-Ass "Funny" Subtitle I Get Really Tired Of Seeing Written Out In Full By Other Critics really seems to be inspiring people to do their own hybrid-reality movies -- as mentioned, I saw one like it the other day, and now this, a movie about “music producers” who hold auditions for their record label that are a total scam. Though most of the film is scripted, the bulk of the auditions are real -- ads were placed, bands were heard, and the two lead actors tried to hustle them and get them to sign. Afterwards, told what was up, the musicians pretty much got it and agreed to be in the movie anyway. What’s striking is that they could just as easily all be character actors, since they hit the same acting tone as the actual cast.

The movie opens with hopeless nerd Martin (Pat Healy) getting a job interview for what seems to be a radio job, but turns out to be music production -- sort of. The idea is to audition new talent, and sign them, but not just the good ones. See, part of the pitch is that while the company, “Great World of Sound,” pays certain studio costs, etc., the artist has to pay a percentage themselves, upfront. And it soon becomes clear that everything beyond that is a con, all to get the checks, which are to be made out to “GWS,” the company acronym but also the president’s initials.

Healy teams up with a black guy named Clarence (Kene Holliday), which allows them to play good cop/bad cop with black singers (Clarence pitching them the idea that his white boss doesn’t get their music, but he does, etc.). The actors mostly improvised their pitches, and come up with some great lines, like “When Jesus walked on water, the first thing he did was get out of the boat!” Holliday, it turns out, was both the voice of Roadblock in the G.I. Joe cartoon, and Matlock’s sidekick Tyler. I wouldn’t have guessed, but his performance here is one of the year’s best. Healy’s role is less flashy, but he’s no slouch -- deadpan delivery of dialogue like “I’m not gonna drink because I just brushed my teeth” is his forte.

With David Gordon Green’s name attached, you might expect a Southern flavor, and you get it...the action mostly takes place around Charlotte, NC, and there’s an overwhelming sense of rural economic desperation as a backdrop. And it doesn’t subside. This may be a comedy, but there’s no guarantee of a happy ending.

At one point, Martin says to a would-be critic, “I’m self-deprecating. All you gotta do is watch.” That applies to the movie as well. Before it’s done, it goes to surprisingly dark places -- nothing violent or anything, just really questionable moral choices that don’t get answered in a tidy fashion.

But beyond all that, it’s really freakin’ funny. So go see it.

My pick for today is RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION.

Huh?

Yep, that's right.

Are you serious?

Sure.

How could you possibly...?

Because it's all about an occasionally nude Milla Jovovich doing a Mad Max routine in Las Vegas with a bunch of zombies. And it's directed by Russell Mulcahy.

Russell who?

The guy who directed Highlander.

Oh, awesome. But wait...didn't he also direct Highlander 2?

Yes, but it really wasn't as bad as you remember, especially if you go in knowing it's camp. Also, the theatrical version was quite different than his intended cut.

Ah. But did he do anything else worthwhile?

Lots of excellent '80s music videos, including Culture Club's "The War Song." Also The Shadow, starring Alec Baldwin and John Lone, which wasn't too bad.

But Paul W.S. Anderson is the screenwriter! Isn't it an established fact that he sucks?

Not by a long shot. Anderson is one of those people that Harry Knowles has somehow taken an instant dislike to, but remember, so was the brilliant genre scribe James Gunn until Slither and Dawn of the Dead. Anderson hasn't exactly made any classics, but there's decent entertainment to be had from Shopping, Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, Soldier, and even Alien vs. Predator. The closest thing to a great movie he's made is the first Resident Evil.

Also Mike Epps is in it again as the annoying smart-ass black guy. I thought you hated him?

I do -- hoping he gets killed this time around. There are zombie crows in this one, and it'd be great if they pecked him to death.

And this didn't screen for critics -- isn't that a bad sign?

Often, but unfortunately, due to most major critics' condescension and willful ignorance of horror, genre stuff hides out of sheer defensive reflex action these days. Saw 3 didn't have advance screenings either, and for my money it's a modern horror classic.

You're insane.

Fine. Go to the national sneak preview of THE GAME PLAN, starring The Rock, Saturday night at 7:30 instead.

I'm not sure what to tell you today.

I'm going to see DRAGON WARS (D-WAR) today, but mainly because it didn't screen for press and I need to get a review to you guys. It ought to be a no-brainer, but I've heard that it doesn't even deliver on the promise of dragons trashing Los Angeles, which is disappointing if true.

If you feel like a bit of a drive, David Cronenberg's EASTERN PROMISES, in which Viggo Mortensen plays a brutal Russian thug, sounds like a winner for those who have ever enjoyed the director or star, or female lead Naomi Watts. But it doesn't go into full-on wide release just yet.

So in terms of new openings, the best bet may be Jodie Foster in Neil Jordan's THE BRAVE ONE. Jordan is hit or miss, but Foster, when she picks cheesy formulaic stuff, tends to have pretty good instincts -- both FLIGHTPLAN and PANIC ROOM were fun, if preposterous. And my colleague and sometime editor Scott Foundas really dug it.

I have a three-way pick today.

For those of you reading this locally, the best filmgoing experience for your buck this weekend is THE ELEPHANT KING, at the SoCal Independent Film Festival, Saturday night at 7 p.m. at the Huntington Beach Library. It's a movie that has everything you need -- dreamy visuals, relationship insights, human drama, hot sex, Thai rock 'n' roll, some boxing, a li'l gunplay, and a great supporting performance by an elephant. Only six dollars, too.

If that doesn't fit your schedule, however, word is that SHOOT 'EM UP is an insanely awesome, over-the-top actioner so absurd it's genius. Haven't had a chance to see it yet, but the mere notion that it involves scenes like Clive Owen delivering a baby and then cutting the umbilical cord by shooting it, or offing villains using his firearms while actually penetrating Monica Bellucci with his, uh, "other" loaded weapon...well, you either dig that or you don't. I'm anxious to check it out when time allows.

I'm also excited about THE BROTHERS SOLOMON, a Bob Odenkirk-directed comedy starring Will Arnett and Will Forte as two home-schooled buffoons desperate to have children before their father dies, despite the fact that they're so obnoxious no woman will come near them. I can relate, kinda...but then again, I also seem to be the only person who enjoyed Odenkirk's last directorial outing with Arnett, LET'S GO TO PRISON, so take that for what it's worth.

I don't have one.

The Invasion is being called the worst of the four Body Snatcher movies (and it's troubled history of reshoots and director-firings help me to believe that), Death at a Funeral's a dud, and Superbad? Well, everyone swears up and down it's super-awesome, but none of the clips I've seen have been appealing in the least. I was never a bully -- more often the victim -- but even I want to beat up that fat kid.

So go see Hot Rod or Stardust if you haven't yet. Or rent the 1980 Flash Gordon on DVD, since it just came out, and is so superior to the new Sci-Fi Channel version it's ridiculous.

If you're even mildly interested in Invasion, go rent Abel Ferrara's Bodysnatchers, or Philip Kaufman's Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or the original '50s version if you can find it.

Or maybe just read the original novel. Now there's a concept.

STARDUST

I haven't seen it yet. But it's what I intend to attend this weekend.

And yeah, I know the previews make it seem kind of silly. But it's based on a novel by Neil Gaiman, who may have hordes of annoying neo-pagan hippie-chick fans, but that somehow doesn't prevent him from being a good writer anyway. Gaiman is actually a perfect gateway drug for use by male geeks who want to lure women into their world -- tempt them with images of unicorns and faeries, then before you know it, they're reading Sandman, and you can be all, "Ha ha! You're reading a comic book! Now, if you like that, maybe you'll like...[some comic she wouldn't have looked at before.]"

Anyway, the last movie Neil Gaiman wrote the script for was MirrorMask, and it was amazing. Go rent it now, in fact, or buy it. It didn't get a wide release and made almost no money, but you'll love it, probably. [And the Henson company can quote me on that]

This movie involves a falling star, and wicked witches, and yes, a unicorn. Looks kind of like The Princess Bride, and is directed by Matthew Vaughn, whose Layer Cake was -- despite the awful title -- one of the better BritTarantino flicks (and made people believe that Daniel Craig could be Bond), and whose X-Men 3 never got made because he dropped out and was replaced by Brett Ratner.

Read Robert Wilonsky's review of it here. Robert's a tough critic, so even the fact that he only kinda likes it is good enough for me.

HOT ROD

It's not exactly going out on a limb to say that Andy Samberg has been the best addition to the Saturday Night Live cast in a long time – he's been the main reason that for the first time since the dawn of the Internet age, fans actually started downloading video from the show. While Lorne Michaels still likes to try to force repetitive gags down our throats, “Dick in a Box” and “Chronic-What?-cles of Narnia” became oft-repeated catchphrases because people actually thought they were funny; the last time that happened was Christopher Walken saying “More cowbell!” and frankly, that's only because Walken could turn anything into a catchphrase.

Samberg's best quality as an SNL cast member is that he doesn't have that narcissistic, grinning-at-himself quality that so many, from Myers to Sandler to Kattan to, God help us, Dennis Miller, who now actually takes himself seriously as a political pundit. You can usually sense when a cast member is dead certain that he's hilarious, but Samberg actually takes the piss out of that whole notion, playing characters who are certain they're hilarious and/or cool, but are really completely pathetic...so much so that they almost become cool on their own terms.

Perhaps the best compliment one can pay to his first starring vehicle, Hot Rod, is that it doesn't feel anything like an SNL spin-off movie; were it not for the Paramount logo and the familiarity of its star, one could easily mistake this for an independent film made by some untapped talent from the middle of nowhere. In fact, its director is regular Samberg collaborator Akiva Schaffer.