If you're going to use the word "ultimate" in a description, you have to bring it. Ultimate fighting? Used to, before they added all these so-called "rules." The Ultimate Warrior? Crazy intense wrestler who retired from the ring to become a completely deranged right-wing motivational speaker.

But the most relevant precedent here is Jack-in-the-Box's ultimate cheeseburger. It lives up to its title, with two hefty meat discs and something like six cheese slices. Maybe eight. I don't have time to count them while stuffing my face.

Rubio's newly available "ultimate nachos"? Not so ultimate. First problem being the cheese.

When you get nachos at a full-on restaurant, they generally have melted grated cheese. Buy 'em at a convenience store, they'll more often have liquid glow-in-the-dark cheese. Both approaches work. Combining them does not. Especially since Rubio's queso sauce, much like the similar offering at El Pollo Loco, is white and mild-tasting. Nachos need a kick, and any liquid cheese on them needs to be radioactive orange. And if Taco Bell is kicking your ass at doing something right, you've got a problem.

The other problem with "ultimate" nachos is that the only add-on option is chicken. (Only the regular size nachos allow steak.)

Rubio's has steak and carnitas available, but not on these. And worse, Rubio's is known for fish and shrimp -- why no possibility of shrimp ultimate nachos, huh, Ralph Rubio? Nobody goes to your place for chicken. And if they do, they're dumb.

I love Rubio's, mostly. I'm mad that they stopped doing the lobster burrito, but I still like the fish and shrimp. I treat myself to Rubio's at least once a week. But I'm never ordering the "ultimate" nachos again.

My darling poblano pepper,
Please forgive me for ignoring you all these many years. I'd heard your name spoken, but I'm afraid it meant little to me. We white boys can sometimes fear the spiciness of the unknown...even when I moved to Santa Ana, and saw you in my grocery store for the first time, I was intimidated. Major hotties can do that to a guy.

But now, I am officially in love. And I would be glad to devour you and your six inches of hot meat on a regular basis.

Too bad that in this format, you're only available for a limited time. Spicy talk aside, folks, this is a goddamn good sandwich. If you've already had Quizno's Prime Rib in its peppercorn and cheesesteak varieties, you have an idea what you're getting. But it's the poblanos that kick this one to a new level. Unlike jalapenos, these things have a quick burn. If you bite one and find it too hot for your tastes, no need to guzzle down water -- the heat fades quickly and allows you to proceed with a new bite, though the pepper jack cheese and chipotle sauce keep some tangy smokiness going as a constant undertone.

Subway, you got pwned. Togo's...well, you just totally suck and should give it up now.

Readers -- sorry I didn't get this up yesterday as promised. Time slipped away from me.

A list of in-house seating guidelines from an unnamed Mexican restaurant in Huntington Beach was recently leaked online. Among the guidelines for servers:

"Mexican people prefer a booth rather than a table"

"Mexican people don't like to wait - don't tell them how long the wait is...try to seat them ASAP"

I suppose I could ask a certain someone here in the office if these are accurate stereotypes or not. But instead, I find myself wondering: Which is the race that loves to wait endlessly for a table? And who doesn't prefer a booth?

(h/t LA Observed)

Octopus, plum wine, taiko drums, eco-chopsticks made of pressed wheat...all this and more at the Hyatt Regency in Garden Grove last night.

Though we have two very fine food reviewers here at OC Weekly, they -- like most food critics -- tend not to dwell at any length on the cuisine I'm most familiar with. Namely, mass corporate-chain produced fast food items. So I feel that perhaps it is my duty to periodically spread the joy that will spread your waistline.

The other night at Dave and Buster's, for instance, I discovered a fantastic item that deserves your full attention (or not, if you're on a diet). Here in the U.S., we're great at combining unhealthy items to create even more unhealthy hybrids -- witness the bacon cheeseburger pizza, the chili cheese fry, and of course the jalapeño popper (what's better than a fried, breaded pepper? One stuffed with cheese and dipped in buttermilk dressing, of course).

So I have to wonder why it took the world so long to come up with the Philly Steak Roll -- a cheese-steak wrapped in an egg roll and deep fried. Oh, it gets better. Not only do you get a crispy fried egg roll containing thin slices of beef in a reservoir of liquid cheese...it also comes with cheese sauce for dipping! That, and "spicy ketchup" (ketchup with some horseradish, so basically cocktail sauce by another name), which is negligible.

One of these appetizers gets you two full rolls, each cut in half. If you can handle the whole thing yourself, and you probably shouldn't, don't bother ordering a main course. If you feel like you can handle one afterwards, you are freakin' fat and should diet now. Go burn some calories on the virtual jump-rope game in the D&B arcade.

D&B's website doesn't give specific prices, probably because they vary city to city. But at The Block, I believe the rolls were around 8.95.

The Art Institute is seriously starting to become my favorite place to visit in Santa Ana - every time I'm there for some event or other I wonder why my USC education couldn't have had the kind of cool events these folks seem to put on on a regular basis. Rock the Runway, this past Saturday, was a fantastic fusion of almost everything cool: a hipster fashion show, gourmet catering for all, skateboarding demonstrations, live bands, live art demonstrations, and free Mountain Dew. Admission price? Zero dollars. A.I. hopes the event will pay for itself by encouraging some of the kids in attendance to sign up for their new fashion design programs.

On first arrival, there was a long line to get in, and none of the volunteers seemed to understand the concept of a press list. Until one finally registered the name of "OC Weekly," but rather than taking me to sign in, led me to our promo booth, which was nice, but not what I was looking for. Turned out the entrance line was almost entirely unnecessary, even for non-press types, as all the good stuff was happening out in the parking lot anyway, accessible by all and from all angles.

But there was a VIP room, and I did get to have access to that. The perks of being a VIP were the open bar, which had a nice variety of options, and first shot at the free food courtesy of 2 Dudes Catering, which included gourmet cheeseburgers, clam fritters, fancy grilled cheese, mini baked potatoes, lamb tartare, and mini canollis.

Apparently it's not just happy cows that come from California.The Times reported earlier today that the state Department of Public Health has released a list of Southern California food retailers linked to the Chino-based slaughterhouse responsible for the largest beef recall in United States history.

The USDA ordered the recall of 143 million pounds of beef Sunday after the Humane Society released a video of workers at the Westland/Hallmark Meat Co. shoving sick and/or crippled cows with forklifts, shocking them with electric prods, dragging them with chains and shooting water up their poor little cow noses.

While no illnesses have been linked to the recalled beef, it may still be nice to know if that steak you ate two weeks ago came from the Chino plant or if it came from a happier slaughterhouse on another side of the dead animal rainbow.

To view the Times article and list of restaurants click here.

Have received many emails since the weekend about the fate of El Pollo de Oro, a SanTana charbroiled chicken shop beloved by eaters for its namesake juicy golden hens and affordable prices.

I didn't know what the hell they were talking about until visiting today and finding a gutted interior and two papers taped to the storefront window, each scrawled with the word "CERRADO" ("closed" in Spanish). Its phone number is disconnected; its stern owner nowhere to be found. Methinks it's rising rent rates in SanTana's Fourth Street, but will investigate further. In the meanwhile, pray that the spot doesn't get transformed into some chain pendejada. And for charbroiled chicken fans, two fantastic substitutes: El Pollo Fino in Anaheim and the county's best charbroiled chicken, San Clemente's Surfin' Chicken.

Go to each, and raise a wing in memory of El Pollo de Oro.

On Sunday the U.S. Department of Agriculture demanded the recall of 143 million pounds of beef - over one hundred million pounds more than has ever been recalled. And just where did this unfit-for-human-consumption crap-steak come from?

Can you guess?

That's right. Orange County. Well, almost. And what's the grossest place almost in Orange County? Come on, you watched the show.

CHINO! Ew!

The problem? So-called "downer" animals, which not only bring down the morale of the rest of the herd, but also tend to wallow in feces and brim with bacteria. Mmmm - Crispy McFeces Wrap, anyone? From the AP via the Reg:

Authorities said the video showed workers kicking, shocking and otherwise abusing "downer" animals that were apparently too sick or injured to walk into the slaughterhouse. Some animals had water forced down their throats, San Bernardino County prosecutor Michael Ramos said.

So naturally employees from Chino-based Westland/Hallmark Meat Co. used a forklift to drive, prod or just drag the less ambulatory aminals to their deaths. Then the Humane Society videotaped 'em at work.

This month's issue of Portfolio devotes its cover to the modern-day Carl's Jr.--not the quaint regional chain run by a bigot burger baron but one based in Carpinteria and operated by religious hypocrites. Say what you want about the conservativism of founder Carl Karcher, but at least the man was consistent, not like current Carl's CEO Andrew Puzder. Karcher loved making money but refused to let his advertising become repugnant or offensive; under Puzder, Carl's has become notorious for its commercials featuring moral icons such as Paris Hilton, Hugh Hefner, and Dennis Rodman. We don't mind the ads--companies need to make money. But then Puzder offers this gem to Portfolio reporter Joe Keohane regarding those commercials, which Karcher publicly condemned:

"I'm probably more a member of the religious right than I am anything else, so these are my people I'm offending. That's kind of a weird thing, but I can't run the business to the aesthetic tastes of any particular group in the country. And I will tell you, when we run these ads, sales go up and they don't come down."

Really, Puzder? Chik-fil-A and In-n-Out have done just fine producing food loved by millions while sticking to a conservative Christian business philosophy. Jesus doesn't take kindly to hypocrites--didn't that statue of St. Francis of Assisi Karcher had in your company's former Anaheim headquarters teach you anything?

Back in October, we wondered out loud what was happening to the Orange County Register's once-vaunted food section. Today, further bad news: the wine column penned by Register investigative reporter Chris Knap is no more. But in ending his 12-year run, Chris couldn't help but take a swipe at me and be the kind of lockstep groupthink that would've made Old Man Hoiles spin in his grave*.

Last night, I had the privilege of attending the LA Weekly Christmas party. The food was good (meat skewers, hummus, empanadas, brownies), the Coronas free-flowing...but the comment I heard the most whenever I mentioned I was from the OC sister-paper was this:

"Man, you guys' Christmas party looked way more fun!"

No names...I wish to protect the innocent. Besides, when I meet a bunch of new people at a party, I usually forget most of them the next day anyway. Sad, but true -- everyone over the age of 30 starts to lose memory, and beer doesn't help.

One of the things that made our party super-awesome was the presence of Philly's Best cheesesteak sandwiches. I was hooked, so I went there to eat today in the lunch hour. It turned out I had made a rookie mistake.

If you intend to go there for lunch, CALL AHEAD. I didn't, and it took almost a half-hour to get my food. The sandwich is worth the wait. The fries, not quite so much.

And cops love the place, so don't even think about robbing it.

Remember Pizza Patrón? Only if you're a Know Nothing. Last year, the Dallas-based pizza chain infuriated conservatives after announcing it would accept pesos in lieu of dollars at their locations. Lost in the debate was whether their pies were any bueno.

We'll find out soon enough. Across the street from Weekly world headquarters rises a new, faux-brick building. One of the businesses is Pizza Patrón's first Orange County outpost and just their fourth California location. Will Pizza Patrón destroy California's own Latino-themed pizzeria, La Pizza Loca? And isn't the fact that Mexicans are waging pizza wars further proof that assimilation in this country ALWAYS wins? Tune in next year to find out...

Just a year ago, the Orange County Register's food section was amongst the best in California, with multiple recipes and general features, food reviews published on Thursdays and Fridays, an end-of-the-week dining guide and a "Wine of the Week" column by longtime Register investigative reporter Chris Knap. But the section has weathered too many hits in the past 12 months, starting with the departure of Tenny Tatusian earlier this year and the elimination of the Friday food review and dining guide a couple of months later. Now comes word via the Register's food blog that critic Cynthia Furey is leaving, meaning Orange County's paper of record has no full-time staff food critic (longtime Register food critic Elizabeth Evans has been freelancing for years). Furey's post states that other Register staffers will take over the blogging responsibilities but doesn't offer any word on whether the paper will ever hire another full-time reviewer or continue pegging freelancers and non-food section Register staffers to write reviews. Knap's last wine column, by the way, was on October 25--a raised glass to hoping he's on vacation, and that the syndicated crap from the San Francisco Chronicle that the Reg published the past couple of Thursdays is just filler.

In preparation for an upcoming corruption story, I’ve been reviewing dozens of files I’ve maintained for nine years on Sheriff Michael S. Carona (pictured at a Newport Beach bar celebrating with Rick Rizzolo, a convicted felon tied to the Chicago Mafia and a man who thought so much of our sheriff he contributed to his re-election campaign).

This afternoon I re-discovered a hilarious old newspaper clip. Of course, it’s from the Register. The setting for the article is Carona’s January 1999 post-inauguration fundraiser at the Westin Hotel in Costa Mesa. Correa, a Democratic state assemblyman at the time, told the paper he was proud to attend the Republican sheriff’s event for at least two reasons: “Latino pride” and “because [Carona’s] a good man.”

Nice job, Lou.

Carona, who has been indicted by the FBI on corruption charges that he used his public office to receive bribes and obstruct justice, isn’t a Latino. Mike Carona is of Italian heritage. And as for the “good man” line . . . well . . . Lou, you blew that too didn’t you?

-- R. Scott Moxley / OC Weekly

When I first heard about the unusual pairing of wine and ice cream, honestly it sounded like a stomach ache waiting to happen.

Then again, I'm one of those people who likes to try weird and possibly gross food, so I decided to check it out.

The four-course tasting was held at the Wine Gallery in Corona Del Mar, and I have to say it was a little weird, but not gross at all.

The pairings were complex and absolutely delicious.

I snagged one of the menus, in case any of you have adventurous palates and want to try it for yourselves (All the ice cream is Haagen-Dazs Reserve).

1. 2005 Honig Late Harvest Sauvignon Blanc paired with Brazilian Acai Berry Sorbet
*this one was my favorite

2. 2003 Castelnau Suduiraut Sauternes paired with Toasted Coconut Sesame Brittle Ice Cream

3. Warre's Otima 10 Year Old Tawny paired with Pomegranate Chip Ice Cream and a Pinot Noir reduction

4. Yalumba Museum Reserve Muscat paired with Hawaiian Lehua Honey & Sweet Cream Ice Cream with a Chardonnay reduction

The next wine & ice cream tasting will be held at the Southern California Wine Festival September 8 & 9.

Score! Japanese pastry chain Beard Papa's is opening its first OC "Sweet Cafe" in Santa Ana this morning. This place is a cream puff haven - one I first stepped into in the Philippines and was delighted to see in West L.A. last year. And now, right down the street? Oh ho ho. Just when I thought you didn't like me, God.

Weird name for a pastry shop, true, but amazing quality. Vanilla's the best flavor, green tea a distant second.

Santa Ana / Main Place Mall
2800 North Main Street, Suite 572A
Santa Ana, CA 92705
714-480-0383

Americans can be real weenies when it comes to food. We like our meat, but can't stand it to look like an actual dead animal, and have to mince it into patties, or cut it into squares for breading and deep-frying. We'll only eat squid if you don't call it what it actually is, using instead the Italian word “calamari.” And when it comes to snails – we'll deal with them at French restaurants; just be sure you only call them “escargot.”

I've always wanted to try snails, but in the French serving style they tend to be drenched in butter, and believe it or not...I don't like butter. Thus the only snails I've ever had are periwinkles, sea-snails.

So when I saw that the Asian Gardens mall had three different kinds of snails, none of 'em buttery looking, I couldn't wait to chow down.

Vanilla Coke is back!

You might not have realized that it went away, of course, especially if you eat regularly at Rubio's, the only major food chain to keep it on its soda fountains. But yeah, they replaced it with Black Cherry Vanilla a while back, which was decent but not as tasty. Now plain Vanilla has returned, along with Vanilla Coke Zero (which is basically Diet Vanilla Coke with one additional additive that I can't spell off the top of my head).

But as awesome as it is to have VC back indahouse, what isn't so awesome is the new information printed on the twelve-packs. It seems Coca-Cola is trying to push its flavored corn syrup as a healthy choice for exercisers – at their new "hydration" website, and on their beverage containers, the Coke people are touting the following:

"For years, conventional wisdom said that we need eight cups of water daily for
proper hydration. Not so, say new scientific guidelines from the The Institute of Medicine of the National Academy of Science (IOM/NAS). All beverages, including those that contain caffeine,
contribute to proper hydration.

If you're not in the mood for water, it's okay to reach for something else you enjoy, like tea or a soft drink. Of course water is always the best choice; it's just not the only one."

Whiskey's a beverage, right? But the results were not pretty. Now I was still thirsty, but also had a headache and a stomachache.

Technically, the Coke people aren't lying – all beverages contain water, and therefore, the moment you drink them, you've added water to your body, i.e. hydrated. The problem is that alcoholic and caffeinated beverages, like whiskey and Coke, respectively (or mixed together, for another favorite of mine), also happen to be diuretics, which cause you to urinate out more than you take in.

In other words, Coke can really piss me off sometimes.

Los Angeles Times reporter Alana Semuels wins for the best story of the day. In the business section, Semuels reported on the increasingly comical burger wars in Southern California.

According to Semuels, CKE Restaurants Inc., owners of Carl's Jr. and Hardees, sued Jack in the Box on Friday in Orange County's Ronald Reagan federal court building.

Here's the Times:

The suit cites TV ads that tout Jack in the Box's sirloin burgers and lampoon those made with Angus beef, which happens to be what's in the Carl's Jr. Six Dollar Burger and the Hardee's Thickburger. In one ad, Jack--the mascot whose head looks like an upside down ice cream cone, is asked to point to a cow's 'angus area' on a diagram. He says sheepishly, 'I'd rather not.'"

In another Jack in the Box ad, "employees laugh hysterically when a colleague talks about rivals' 'Angus burgers,'" says Semuels.

The ads have infuriated Carls Jr. folks: While we may "find humorous the aural and phonetic similarities between the words 'Angus' and 'anus,' the link is made to create the erroneous notion that all cuts of Angus beef are derived from the anus of beef cattle."

Nobody can let go of the butt jokes now.

In their lawsuit, Carls Jr. retaliated by claiming that Jack in the Box burgers are made from "frozen sirloin butt meat."

I can't wait for the next Jack in the Box commercial. Their incredibly funny ads are made by Secret Weapon Marketing of Santa Monica. Here is an ad that's unnerved Carls Jr. owners:

Jack in the Box's new commercials openly mock the McDonalds Angus third-pounders as being inferior to the new sirloin burgers. But are they?

Certainly the commercials are better. McDonalds' bizarre appeal to Californians to eat lots of Angus burgers so they'll catch on and people in Boston can have them next was odd, to say the least—why do we give a damn what they want in Massachusetts? They elected Mitt Romney, after all.

And the only Mickey D Angus burger I tried was kinda dull, even though I was really hungry and in maximum burger-appreciation mode. But the Jack sirloin burger—pretty dang nice. I could do without the denser, cakier bun, but the pickle spears on it were crunchy, and the tomato slice fresh-tasting.

The chief new gimmick is that you get to pick your cheese ("American," "real Swiss," or "real Cheddar" . . . so apparently American isn't real?) and your onions—grilled white or raw red. But don't bother doing this until after you've specified whether you want a combo or not, and if so, whether you want that combo small, medium, or large—the cashiers don't hear a word you say until after those decisions have been made.

I hate red onions, so went for the grilled, and I didn't really taste them at all. The meat is good, though: If you've had their sirloin-steak ciabattas, you've had a preview—just imagine them all ground up and with less sauce. Is it better than Jack's Ultimate Cheeseburger, their gold standard to date? Maybe . . . depends what mood you're in.

Are you as pissed off as the rest of Southern California by David Allen Gunther, the ex-con exposed by Moxley in this week's cover story? Then do something about it: JJ Hawaiian BBQ and Sushi, one of the businesses targeted by Gunther, is in danger of closing thanks to that jerk. Owner Jin Kim had to sell a car and his wife's wedding ring to pay off the scumbag's scheme. Kim and his wife grill great Hawaiian barbecue--my favorite dish is the loco moco, rice topped with two hamburger patties, two eggs over-easy and then drowned in a sweet gravy--at cheap prices and hefty portions. There's also a a surprising array of sushi rolls. Take it from this food critic: JJ Hawaiian is yummers, so visit, por favor. Besides, God will smile if you give the Kims some cash during their hard times caused by Gunther the Grifter.

JJ Hawaiian BBQ & Sushi, 2050 N. Grand Ave., #109, Santa Ana, 714-542-2665
[Post bumped up from its original Friday Oct. 13 spot-- PB]

Philadelphia won't stand pat if Pittsburgh gets some publicity, so while Steelers quarterback Ben Roesthlisburger rests after a trip with idiocy, Philly's famed Geno's Steaks goes about offending Mexicans by telling customers to order in English. Amazingly (or is it?), Times writer David Zucchino finds some Orange County residents visiting Philly to agree with owner Geno Vento--""I had to learn it. It's not that hard," Newport Beach resident Roman Le told Zucchino (really, Le? Tell that to the gents who chain-smoke in those seedy Little Saigon coffee shops). We agree with Vento, so next time you go to an Italian restaurant, ask for organ-grinder pie instead of "pizza," Mafia stew instead of "pasta e fagiole" and Eye-talian noodles instead of "fettucine."