Orange County News Blog

Paradise Bay: drink it in.

​Sarah Tulley posts on Orange County Register's Around Disney blog today that Paradise Bay lagoon at California Adventure in Anaheim will soon be refilled with 16 million gallons of water that was recycled through central Orange County's Groundwater Replenishment System, which converts sewage into drinking water. Disneyland Resort won a state award last month for the project, which has already replenished the Rivers of America water at Disneyland. An Orange County Water District flack says in the post, "It's visionary what they are doing."

So, would that make polluting air, land and water with the same cancer-causing chemical compound Erin Brockovich exposed make Disney un-visionary?

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The American League Division Series between the Red Sox and Angels is not only the battle of Boston vs. Los Angeles of Anaheim, of East Coast vs. Left Coast, of Beantown vs. Beanertown.

It is also an epic war being waged between the cryogenically frozen heads of each town's most iconic undead: Ted Williams and Walt Disney.

​Alright, fine: So it's a little morbid, but since the park's grand opening in 1955, a few hiccups have happened during Disneyland's reign as the Happiest Place on Earth--nine of them, to be exact. Which, statistically speaking, isn't all that bad. We guess. 

Flickr user briberry

Anybody else freaked out by the texture of Mad Hatter's nose?

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Twitter really does have everything. Type in any pairing of words and you'll get someone talking about something--usually totally inappropriate to publicly broadcast--right there for everyone to read. We love it. This week's Tweets From the Park weekly round-up celebrates this new form of digital exhibitionism. We salute you, guy who had sex in a Disneyland gift shop bathroom! And you, too, guy taking a shit with your uncle at Disneyland. Follow us on Twitter @OCWeekly!

poppingpanda: @elaineisn: FRESH ohhh.. booo... hahaha did you know theres a room in disneyland where the coworkers go to have sex? lmao  
JrKeepBitches: @IdolizedDream: Tweethearts wats the craziest place u ever had sex? ← giftshop bathro0m at disneyland  
rachelleduhrrr: dear boy&girl next to me, i'd appreciate it if you stopped practically having sex. this is disneyland, not a motel. love, rachelle (: 
NatexHate: fuck busy ass disneyland. i wanna kill nazi zombies  
marfar: Fuck. I wish I was drunk at Disneyland right now.  
nickxpeezy: is taking a shit with my uncle at disneyland! fun!  
ToddJonesII: This girl just said if she lose 15 pounds her boyfriend will take her to Disneyland! What kind of shit is that?   
Skweezy: GOING 2 DISNEYLAND. HOPE I DONT GET KICKED OUT FOR SMOKIN WEED ON SPACE MOUNTAIN AGAIN. THEY PROB WOULDNT HAVE CAUGHT ME IF MY PANTS WAS ON 

​So as of Sunday, July 31, Disneyland and California Adventure ticket prices are up $3. Which, you know, doesn't sound like a whole lot on its own but this just means the single-day pass are now $72 for adults and $62 for children. Remember in 2001 when tickets were "just" $43? Does anybody still recall the days of $25 tickets? Ow.

Anyway, throw a couple churros in there, a frozen lemonade, a spinning light-up Mickey... and you've got yourself a priiiiiicey little family getaway that's just down the 5. But that's nothing new.

Check out this week's Tweets From the Park--don't worry, we weeded out (most of) the complain-y tweets on the park not being the most wallet-friendly place on earth. But our fave this week? User tellitquick reminisces about how in 1975 Dad decided against a trip to Disneyland--and then they consequently cut off his head in every family picture afterward. Follow us @OCWeekly!


ShAwNChRiStAfUr: #uknowusprung when you take her to disneyland.. 4 times in a year.. damn I'm dumb.. lol
PoetryIsBliss: #iwillneverforget when i "lost" my little cousin at disneyland. She was gettin on my damn nerves. #evil
pear_: FUCK FUCK DAMNIT FUCK I NEED MONEY TO GO TO DISNEYLAND FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
TeaSpank: Best two days ever. I love disneyland... But! Fuck peter pan hats and that lady who was a Bitch
tellitquick: 1975. Dad cast the deciding vote against Disneyland. Not mentioning it again, I cut his head off in each family picture I took in Napa. #vss

Good news--kind of. Depending on who or what you want to believe, the Weekly has received an inside tip that the 3D space-y alien thriller starring Michael Jackson will indeed be returning to its former home at Tomorrowland just in time for Halloween festivities and that park officials have been keeping mum on the event just for the element of surprise (and hype).

The tip reads:

​Earlier, we discussed the possibility of the return of Michael Jackson's 3D alien thriller Captain EO to Disneyland's Tomorrowland--bumping off Honey, We Shrunk the Audience for its original home at the Magic Eye Theater.

Amongst the various issues on resurrecting the film, there's the logistical, time costly stuff like the matter of re-mastering the original film for today's audience and today's technology, and re-fitting the theater with new special effects.

Despite all that, all-things-Disney ultimate fansite MiceAge is reporting that Disneyland President Ed Grier and planners have held several meetings to consider the possibility of the return of Captain EO just in time for this year's Halloween Time promotion.

Disneyland, however, still remains totally silent on the matter. A statement we received this morning from the park's Media Relations Department reads, "We are constantly evaluating our attraction and entertainment offerings in order to provide our Guests with the best possible experience. At this time, we have nothing new to announce."

So, uh, yeah. There you go.

Flickr User SurfDaddy

"Don't Drink and Disney"

​You're excited, we know it, we can feel it from here! This week's round-up of tweets from Disneyland bring us gems like a gal rehashing high school hatred for "some one-armed girl" and, everyone's favorite, getting high at the park (we highly recommend the Winnie the Pooh ride). Follow us at @OCWeekly!

sazmi: @shezzalicious i doubt its as bad as the time me and my friends went to disneyland..the guys got ill, & the hotel room was covered in puke

freshlyinstable: Too many people at Disneyland! Scram! Go the fuck away.

NikkiNix08: At disneyland and some one armed girl i hated in high school just walked pass me. I shouldve tripped her!

chanmolina: Floatin at disneyland. High as a kite. Wow

CatsRGods: Disneyland is full of slack-jawed mongoloids that have significant others. Fuck you, universe.

mitchellwojcik: IM AT FUCKING DISNEYLAND AND I HAVEN'T STOPPED SMILING ONCE WOOOOOOOOOO FUCK

mitchellwojcik: FUCK YOU SMALL SPANISH WOMAN YOU WILL NOT GET IN MY WAY THIS LAND IS MY DISNEYLAND WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

In a world where people are losing jobs over blog posts, websites, and MySpace and Facebook photos, we're just left wondering how long until we all start learning of career-death by tweet. 

Flickr User emmyboop

The myyyysterious Club 33. Though most have heard of it--creepy obsessive Disney fanatic or not--not many have ever seen it. And at the rate the wait list is crawling along? You'll probably never see it.

The latest D23 FANfare e-mail blast reports: "Ever since Club 33 opened on June 15, 1967, a waiting list for one of its 480 member slots has stretched from New Orleans Square to Tomorrowland and back again. Today you'll wait at least 18 years for the privilege of using your name and 'Club 33 Member' in the same sentence."

Club 33 is the name of the private club located in New Orleans Square of the Disneyland resort, with an indiscreet entrance located just next to the Blue Bayou Restaurant (you know, that lantern-lit restaurant you float by at the beginning of the Pirate of the Caribbean ride?). In addition to an exclusive membership, it's the only place within the park permitted to serve alcoholic beverages--even if Disneyland does currently hold a park-wide liquor license.

The best part? Club 33 membership isn't even close to being free. Or all that affordable. The three types of memberships, Corporate, Limited and Gold, require fees ranging anywhere from $10,450 to $27,500... in addition to $3,275-$6,100 in annual fees.

Not that any of this matters anyway--membership has been closed since April 2007, when the average wait time stretched to 14 years.

After the jump, a photo of the entrance to Club 33.

The concept art of the Carthay Circle Theatre

With recent announcements of the complete re-vamping of that other park, Disney's California Adventure seem to have a bright future ahead, abandoning its current concept of a California-themed theme park in uh, California, and replacing it with something  that revolves more around nostalgia--old Hollywood, movie palaces, sprays of bougainvillea, a Victorian seaside town.

And the person in charge of overseeing the complete $1 billion re-vamping of the park, the man behind the curtain, if you will, is Bob Weis. Cool.

As someone commenting on this previous post revealed, an online petition drive has been launched to urge Disneyland to bring back the Captain EO attraction in light of Michael Jackson's death. But there are two problems with this:

1) The site being used to pull this off, PetitionSpot.com, has no single, unified petition but at least four different efforts. Save Captain EO, which has 223 supporters toward a goal of getting 10,000, calls for either the attraction's return or the release of the film on DVD. Bring Back Captain EO to Disneyland (supporters: 615; goal: 100,000) simply wants to do that. Captain EO 3-D DVD Release (253; 100,000) only wants that to happen. Rerelease MJ Captain EO & Moonwalker (95; 100,000) mentions EO in the title, but the description only calls for the release of the Moonwalker compilation that was once available on VHS. Not to be confused with any of these is Send Michael Jackson to Heaven, which calls on God to accept the Gloved One through the Pearly Gates. It has 44 supporters toward its 1 million goal. Good luck with that one.

The problem, besides each petition being waaaay off in reaching their respective goals, is they tend to cancel one another out. True, there is nothing stopping MJ/EO fanatics from signing each one, but spreading the word would be much easier if there was a single online petition campaign to get behind.

Of course, this pales compared to . . .

On various Internet sites, including the "Captain EO @ Disneyland" Facebook page, Disneyland is being urged to bring back the Captain EO attraction to honor Michael Jackson.

Captain EO, which debuted at Disneyland on Sept. 18, 1986 (six days after its world premiere at Walt Disney World's Epcot Center in Orlando, Florida), and ran continuously through April of 1997, was the 17-minute film you see YouTubed in two parts above.

Other sites where people are calling for EO's return to Disneyland include YouTube, Examiner.com and MovieLine.com.

Because of its revolutionary 3-D effects, Disneyland guests enjoyed the Star Warsesque flick projected in a tricked-out theater that sat 500 people per screening. It's perfectly acceptable to make the Star Wars reference (sorry, geeks) because the flick was executive produced by George Lucas. But Lucas did not want to direct it, so he called his pal Steven Spielberg. But Spielberg was busy, so Francis Ford Coppola got the gig.

The YouTube video above supposedly captures a young man proposing marriage to his girlfriend in the middle of Disneyland's Main Street USA. But as MousePlanet points out, the whole thing reeks of a stunt to promote the new Summer Nightastic spectacular by hoping the "amateur" video goes viral.

There are several clues the proposal was staged:

-The would-be groom is obviously a professional performer.

-The area the crowd is giving up is too perfectly shaped.

-No crowd is that polite, not even at the Happiest Over-Your-Credit-Card-Limit Maker on Earth.

-Harbor Boulevard hobos break into song unprovoked. Prickily heated tourists do not.

-The dance folks just happen to break into was obviously choreographed.

-The lighting appears to have been hauled in from the set of a Disney Channel tween sit-com.

-MousePlaneteers identified many "spectators" as members of Disneyland's entertainment department.

-Rooftop cameras were used to capture wide-angle shots.

-The street-level camera crew is visible at different points in the video.

-Wireless microphones worn by participants are exposed.

Photo by Andrew Youssef

M-I-C . . . See you in the paint . . . K-E-Y . . . Why? Because we OWN you!

Disneyland Resort media types had said it would be Kobe Bryant and other unnamed Lakers visiting the Anaheim theme park today for a victory parade down Main Street USA. But just like the name on the MVP award, Bryant was the only Laker to be found.

Now, there could be a lot of reasons for this. Many players live out of town--heck--out of state--hell's bells--out of the country. Prior commitments, fear of freeway traffic and family obligations ("I've had these rugrats all season; here, you take 'em!") often get in the way.

Or could it have been something else. This was Bryant's first championship trophy sans Shaq. He has proven to all his detractors that he is indeed as great as the Jordanesque hype. He was all alone on the stage with Conan on The Tonight Show Wednesday night. Thinking conspiratorially--of course, naturally, that's what we in the media are paid to do--could the Kobester believe in that God-touched head that he did this alone and, thus, deserves the Main Street USA adulation alone?

Photo by Rick Kent

An Amy Poehler look-alike crosses the finish line at the Trek Women Triathlon in Austin, Texas, where she had to get wet first.

The caps are their's as the Trek Women Triathlon Series bills itself as "the ONLY women's triathlon series CREATED BY WOMEN, RUN BY WOMEN, EXCLUSIVELY FOR WOMEN." Nothing wrong with that. But it seems from our game-day broadcasting booth high in the sky over Anaheim that their triathlon at Disneyland Sunday morning is not a triathlon at all.

According to the course visible at Trek Women's website, the race begins at 7 a.m. on Main Street USA with a 1.5 mile run that winds past familiar park attractions and the backstage area the public rarely gets to see. Competitors then hop onto bikes for a 10-mile ride on two fast loops--and one small hill--in Anaheim. Finally, it's off the two-wheelers for a 2-mile run inside Disney's California Adventure park.
 
Uh, where's the swim?

Summer Nightastic: cue the headless dragon.

"A BOLDER FANTASMIC!" blares the Disneyland's hired promotion guns (uppercase and in boldface, just as we've done here) about after-dark entertainment they're calling "Summer Nightastic!" around the Anaheim rat hole.
 
Promised are a new fireworks spectacular, "Magical," starring Dumbo the flying elephant; Tinker Bell's "pixie magic" in "Disney's Electrical Parade"; and a sensational new headless dragon frightening tots at "Fantasmic!"

Okay, the headless dragon bit is actually based on a rumor lighting up the internet like an electrical parade float. It claims the noggin of the five-ton, 40-foot tall, fire-breathing dragon Maleficent broke off during a dress rehearsal of the show Sunday night. Apparently, that was not part of the act.

 The official word to the always-on-top-of-things MousePlanet is "mechancial issues are preventing the new and improved dragon" from being ready for tonight's roll out. But the better dragon--with head attached--is promised by summer's end.

That'll obviously be too late for the street post banners featuring the dragon (grill intact, spewing fire) that are already up all around the resort and shown on the next page ...

An Australian mother of four daughters who planned to bring her brood to Disneyland to celebrate her release from detention in Thailand for stealing a bar mat was denied a U.S. visa so the trip has been scrubbed, reports today's Herald Sun.

Annice Smoel, 36, of Melbourne, hoped a visit to the Magic Kingdom would help make up for her family's Thai nightmare, but the U.S. embassy denied her application for a non-immigrant visa because of the conviction for stealing a bar mat in Phuket.

"They are going to be devastated, absolutely devastated by this," Smoel said of her girls, who are ages 6 to 12. "They've been having nightmares and coming into mum's bed at night since I got back. It would have been the perfect way to take their minds off all of what's happened."

Her original six-month jail term in Thailand was suspended after she agreed to plea guilty to the theft. But that bid for freedom is what cost her a chance to visit Disneyland as the U.S. embassy in Melbourne informed her Thursday she could be barred from traveling to this country for up to seven years.

The length of her ban apparently lies in how Thai officials categorize her conviction. If it is deemed a misdemeanor and not felony charge, the U.S. may grant her a reprieve that would allow her girls to see Disneyland before they are grown. They were originally going to visit the resort in May--before Smoel got trapped in Thailand over what she swears was a prank.

David Koenig, the Aliso Viejo author of Mouse Tales: A Behind-the-Ears Look at Disneyland, Mouse Under Glass: Secrets of Disney Animation & Theme Parks and More Mouse Tales: A Closer Peek Backstage at Disneyland has an interesting MousePlanet post that features an unnamed source saying the just-completed, five-week refurbishment of vehicles that carry guests on Peter Pan's Flight at the Magic Kingdom was done for one reason:

To fit those guests' fatter asses.

"Depending who you talk to, it is because guests have gotten bigger, or the wish to increase the number that can be loaded into a boat to increase guest capacity," shared the source. "But a lot of ride operators are saying this is a result from Small World--a trend to accommodate ever-bigger guests. WDI (Imagineering) has been keeping quiet."

Everybody has cash to spare these days, so the big question is how to blow it to get the most bang for your buck. This is especially true, of course, of Mouseketeers. I mean, should those with valid Orange County addresses spend $99 for a three-day pass to visit Disneyland and/or California Adventure this summer? Or $269 for a Disneyland Deluxe Annual Pass that gets you 315 days of either park for a year (and comes with a $50 Disney Gift Card for each pass you buy at a Southern California Costco)? Or as low as $15.14 (or $20.21 when this post was written) for one share of Disney stock, which will allow you entry into the annual shareholders' meeting?

It apparently comes down to whether Rat Packers believe they can make a greater contribution to their little corner of Hell--a.k.a. Harbor and Katella--as a repeat patron, a really repeat patron or an actual investor. Or, you could always go to one of these. On one hand, at least it's free. On the other, and as a former parking lot boy--er--Attractions Host/seasonal Cast Member--I can tell you that option is the lowest on the Tom Sawyer Island totum pole.

Carousel News & Trader--A Sun Valley-based trade mag for the mighty carousel industry--previews a book about Orange County amusement parks that pre-date Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm. Early Amusement Parks of Orange County trades on author and former Disney/Knott's ride operator Richard Harris' lifelong fascination with theme parks and attractions and contains photographs culled from museums, private collections and the Orange County Archives.

Harris does devote plenty of ink to Disneyland, Snott's and the Balboa Fun Zone. But he also covers some places you've almost forgotten about, such as the California Alligator Farm, Lion Country Safari and the recently deceased Movieland Wax Museum. The real gold is the places you have forgotten--if you ever even knew about them--such as the Seal Beach Joy Zone, Japanese Village and Deer Park, and Old MacDonald's Farm.

Interesting facts revealed in the pages of Harris' book include:

*Al Anderson, who opened the Balboa Fun Zone in 1936 and operated it through 1972, going into foreclosure after getting sued due to a diving accident off his platform;

*The Seal Beach Joy Zone, which was billed as the Coney Island of the West Coast when it opened in the early 1900s, seeing business decline in the Great Depression before its wooden roller coaster burned down;

*Anaheim, which had a population of 14,000 when Disneyland opened in 1955, seeing 28,000 visitors pass through the turnstiles on opening day, some holding counterfeit tickets.

Early Amusement Parks of Orange County is available through Arcadia Publishing or Amazon for $19.99.

If you go to Disneyland this spring or summer, you'll find great deals on Park Hopper tickets. The question is whether there will be anyone there to sell you your tickets, take your tickets and grope you. Disney is eliminating 1,900 jobs at its domestic theme parks, most in Orlando (1,400), the least in Burbank (200) and the rest at the Anaheim resort (300).

This worries pop culturista Lisa Derrick, who writes and edits La Figa at Firedoglake.com.

It's going to be weird to go to Bats' Day in the Fun Park this year (aka Goth Day at Disneyland) and see fewer staff cast members scraping gum off the streets, fewer characters in costume. But I'd rather see some litter and lose out on Captain Hook and the Evil Queen than have them cut down on the safety staff running the rides. I got stuck once on the Roger Rabbit ride and had to walk out with a flashlight carrying escort  cast member. It was really freaky.

Ah, well, we'll always have Disneyland Paris--if you're gay.

As part of its What Will You Celebrate? promotion, Disney Resort in Anaheim allows free admission to one of their theme parks on your birthday. Simply sign up. But this, ahem, guest-pool expansion has "backfired," a poster claims today on a MousePlanet.com discussion board.

Artist, marketing man and blogger extraordinaire Dave Decaro posts on the Disneyland Art Blog, the Jungle Cruise Blog, the Haunted Mansion Blog, the Pirates of the Caribbean Blog and 2719 Hyperion (for the Hollywood address of Walt Disney Studios). "Yes, I spend way too much time at Disneyland," Decaro notes his mini-profile. Currently, his Daveland Blog features posts based on Richard Nixon's many brushes with the Anaheim theme park, which the Stubbly One and his family visited frequently in the early days. "Nixon was proud that Walt Disney had chosen Orange County for Disneyland, especially since he had grown up only a few miles away in Yorba Linda," Decaro writes in the first of two posts on "The Nixon Family & Disneyland."

Nixon's youngest daughter, Julie Nixon Eisenhower, shared with Decaro--and Daveland--memories of Disneyland and photos the park's executives gave her as a tribute to her father. "Disneyland was a part of our lives," says Eisenhower, who estimates her family visited the park at least once every three to six months between 1961 and 1963. "The major happy feeling that I remember about Orange County was seeing my cousins, which was always tied to a trip to Disneyland." She also comments about meeting Uncle Walt ("He was so kind; really nice and very approachable. He was also a very nice looking man") and Davy Crockett star Fess Parker ("I was in heaven"). One posted photo shows Nixon receiving a key to Disneyland from the-then bearded TV star. Hey, I got sent home for having facial hair when I worked there!

My eyes have now seen everything: Part two includes a photo of Dick Nixon spinning in a tea cup. Certainly there is a joke lost on me there. It's a good thing his many, many political opponents didn't acquire the last black-and-white posted. It shows the future president of the United States in a Snow White's Scary Adventures car named "Dopey." It was probably meant for Bush.

The following is a report by the Weekly's new news fellow, Spencer Kornhaber, who is so new he does not yet have a sign-in for this blog, thus Coker's name shows:

Disneyland's Main Street USA is an orgy of good-ole'-days Americana -- penny arcades, horse-drawn carriages, unbelievably enormous piles of ice cream -- so maybe this new proposal from the Southern Christian Leadership Conference and the parents of a slain Anaheim resident isn't so crazy. They want Disney to install a statue memorializing 20-year-old Julian Alexander, an innocent black man mistakenly shot to death by Anaheim cops last October.

A fatal police shooting possibly motivated by race: as American as Splash Mountain, right?

Enduring a heat wave, and wave of overweight mid-westerners, I embarked on a journey to Disney’s California Adventure for the sneak preview of their “Toy Story Midway Mania" ride.

Let me preface this by saying, I hate Disneyland.

I hate the high prices, I hate the happy music, and I hate the abundance of tourists who don’t watch their children. But I will quiet my rants of enforcing the morning after pill for the time being.

The only way I usually engage in a Disney activity is if 1) I don’t pay for it, 2) Nightmare Before Christmas is going on in the Haunted Mansion or 3) I don’t pay for it. Yes, I mentioned that twice.

Like the previous Toy Story ride in the Disneyland Park, this one is more of a game than a ride. You have a slingshot type weapon on the front of your cart that is activated through a rope that you pull. Your cart spins and twirls until you reach a screen. This screen (which I tried to take pictures of but failed because the screen is made for 3-D glasses and not regular eyes) is themed in a Toy Story setting reflecting each of the different characters.

Multiple targets fill the screens, and your objective is to shoot as many of those targets, each worth different point amounts, before time runs out. This happens about four times until you reach the end. Upon completion, are you given a score and allowed to shoot confetti all over the place. Yay!

As boring as this sounds, it’s actually quite amusing and fun. It was so fun that I rode it a second time. Though California Adventure doesn’t have a whole lot to offer, this will definitely trick millions of people into spending an obscene amount of money to see it.

Disney officials, not feeling as generous as they were with the Buzz Lightyear ride, don’t offer a picture at the end, which is my only complaint. Like the rest of the attractions in the Disneyland Theme park, you're dumped into a gift shop filled with cute little souvenirs once it's over. And I’m sure Disney will make a killing there after the ride opens officially on June 17th.

View a photo slideshow of the ride here.

Y'know how Disneyland announced they'd be fixing up "It's A Small World" to accommodate fatties? (OK, Mickey's still in denial, and a Mouse spokesman told the NYT the renovations "have nothing to do with weight," but we know better. Heck, even The Fat Lady's Guide to Disneyland recommends taking the whole seat for that particular ride.)

Anyway, the ride closes on Tuesday, Jan. 22nd, which gives us the holiday weekend to relive its old school charm before Disney ruins it like they did Hong Kong Disneyland's Small World - which includes characters like freaking MULAN.

Apparently it's not such a small world after all. At least the people in it aren't. They are big fat asses. And because of that, Disneyland has closed the "It's a Small World" ride for renovations.

You see, this celebration of cultures set to mood music and dancing plastic dolls was designed in the golden age of 1964, back when the average person didn't weigh 200 pounds. And those spare tires with love handles on the side aren't as buoyant as you'd expect. In fact, these pounds we're packing cause the boats to bottom out, forcing the ride to come to a screeching halt. Cast members have had to come in and escort the plus-sized riders out through the nearest emergency exit, while simultaneously exposing them to public humiliation and ridicule. Read more about the ridicule here.

Now, because getting trapped in "It's A Small World," with that ear-bleeding song repeating over and over is nearly everyone's definition of hell, the kind folks at Disney have decided to replace the aging boats with more buoyant ones and dig the flume deeper to save us all from drowning ourselves in the rancid water. Thanks guys!

The renovation is expected to complete in ten months. Meanwhile, Disney has strategically placed churro stands around the closed attraction. You know, to keep their audience happy.

Dear every-other-weekend dads,

There's this really awesome show on the Disney Channel where the fruit of achy-breaky Billy Ray Cyrus's loins, Miley Cyrus, plays secret pop star Hannah Montana. Though I'm not quite sure how this works, real Miley and pretend Hannah are sharing the bill in a concert tour that stops at the Honda Center in Anaheim this Saturday. Sounds worth at least $10 a ticket, right?

But Miley/Hannah is super popular, and much to the chagrin of loving parents like yourself (and several state attorney generals), it's time to deal with the scalpers. If you hate your child, you can score nosebleed seats that originally sold for $26 for around $120, but if you really really really love your little girl, there's a 14-seat suite available for the bargain price $9,180. Or so I thought. Turns out, the seats are $9,180 a piece for a still totally reasonable total of $128,520.

You better act fast. At these prices, the remaining tickets won't last long. If the suite is gone by the time you read this, there's always the don't-you-dare-call-it-Ice Capades Disney on Ice in December.