Y'know how Disneyland announced they'd be fixing up "It's A Small World" to accommodate fatties? (OK, Mickey's still in denial, and a Mouse spokesman told the NYT the renovations "have nothing to do with weight," but we know better. Heck, even The Fat Lady's Guide to Disneyland recommends taking the whole seat for that particular ride.)

Anyway, the ride closes on Tuesday, Jan. 22nd, which gives us the holiday weekend to relive its old school charm before Disney ruins it like they did Hong Kong Disneyland's Small World - which includes characters like freaking MULAN.

Apparently it's not such a small world after all. At least the people in it aren't. They are big fat asses. And because of that, Disneyland has closed the "It's a Small World" ride for renovations.

You see, this celebration of cultures set to mood music and dancing plastic dolls was designed in the golden age of 1964, back when the average person didn't weigh 200 pounds. And those spare tires with love handles on the side aren't as buoyant as you'd expect. In fact, these pounds we're packing cause the boats to bottom out, forcing the ride to come to a screeching halt. Cast members have had to come in and escort the plus-sized riders out through the nearest emergency exit, while simultaneously exposing them to public humiliation and ridicule. Read more about the ridicule here.

Now, because getting trapped in "It's A Small World," with that ear-bleeding song repeating over and over is nearly everyone's definition of hell, the kind folks at Disney have decided to replace the aging boats with more buoyant ones and dig the flume deeper to save us all from drowning ourselves in the rancid water. Thanks guys!

The renovation is expected to complete in ten months. Meanwhile, Disney has strategically placed churro stands around the closed attraction. You know, to keep their audience happy.

Dear every-other-weekend dads,

There's this really awesome show on the Disney Channel where the fruit of achy-breaky Billy Ray Cyrus's loins, Miley Cyrus, plays secret pop star Hannah Montana. Though I'm not quite sure how this works, real Miley and pretend Hannah are sharing the bill in a concert tour that stops at the Honda Center in Anaheim this Saturday. Sounds worth at least $10 a ticket, right?

But Miley/Hannah is super popular, and much to the chagrin of loving parents like yourself (and several state attorney generals), it's time to deal with the scalpers. If you hate your child, you can score nosebleed seats that originally sold for $26 for around $120, but if you really really really love your little girl, there's a 14-seat suite available for the bargain price $9,180. Or so I thought. Turns out, the seats are $9,180 a piece for a still totally reasonable total of $128,520.

You better act fast. At these prices, the remaining tickets won't last long. If the suite is gone by the time you read this, there's always the don't-you-dare-call-it-Ice Capades Disney on Ice in December.

Hey, California Adventure. Disneyland is truly the place “where dreams come true.” And, you’re the proof.

Earlier this morning, Disney officials released information concerning the future expansion of California Adventure, Disneyland’s boring sister. So it seems that "wishing upon a star" can lead to something worthwhile: another shot at being considered something other than a failure.

Since its opening, California Adventure has pretty much been a letdown to visitors and the Disney Company alike. Disneyland’s shoes were just too freaking big to fill. Opening a mere six years ago in February of 2001, the theme park has attracted nowhere near the volume of visitors that Disneyland does on a daily and yearly basis. But, Disney officials hope to change this by strengthening their weak link of a park.

The expansion includes a new 12-acre Cars Land, which obviously is inspired by the 2006 Disney/Pixar film, Cars. Hopefully it goes above and beyond Disneyland’s popular Autopia attraction, which has been around since the park’s opening in 1955.

A few other of the to-be attractions also draw inspiration from Disney films, like The Little Mermaid (pictured) and Toy Story. A new nighttime “spectacular” is in the works for the Paradise Pier area. The show’s description as a “nightly panorama of spectacular water effects, colorful lighting and music” sounds a bit like Disneyland’s Fantasmic!, no? Check out concept photos of the upcoming attractions here.

The expansion is estimated at costing around $1.1 billion and being completed around 2012. Start saving now cuz once those new attractions open, ticket prices are bound to go up. How else would Disney have it?

Remember when Disney owned your Anaheim Angels? Yeah, we've erased that from our memory as well (though not that sweet, sweet 2002 World Series win, por supuesto). But the fact remains that Disney is still very much an Orange County institution, especially Disneyland. That's why it shocked us last night, as we were slipping into the food coma caused by the Los Angeles Dodgers' $35 all-you-can-eat right-field pavilion special, to see that Disneyland is not only a major advertiser for the Dodgers, it even committed treason. It happened in the third inning, I think (hazy recollection caused by five Dodger Dogs, two nacho helpings, and enough lemonade to irrigate the Blue Crew's infield), on the Jumbotron, when a cartoon of an old guy played a version of Three Card Monte using Mickey Mouse ears. Painted in Dodgers blue. Ingrates! We understand Disneyland might still be bitter over the whole Angels fiasco, but that's no reason to whore yourself to the enemy, especially while you're trying to screw over Anaheim residents again. It's (going back to sleep due to the five Dodgers Dogs I ate for breakfast today...)

While Anaheim residents desperately try to break the stranglehold Disney officials have on the town, some geeks recently announced the relaunching of an anti-Disney game.

In Los Disneys, the company has taken over Florida. "Your job," according to the press release, "is to infiltrate the Magic Kingdom, blasting your way through animatronic pirates, holographic ghosts, tourists, security guards and even Mickey himself in an attempt to seek and destroy the frozen head of Walt Disney. However, doing so inadvertently triggers Eisner's doomsday device... unless you can stop it."

Sounds like a fun game, but I wouldn't know--seems like more of a Comic-Con geek thing. Me? I'm more of a conspiracy nerd.

Disney's once again trying to recreate their iconic Mouse to appeal to audiences that have long since thrown Mickey in the kiddieland bin. This time, they've got their eye on the hip-hop/street scene/whatever-you-call-it crowd. See snaps from their BLOC28 project (now on display at Downtown Disney) by clicking the photo below:

The artwork's not surprisingly morphed into a merch line.

Don't be the amusement for a crook: As a public service to Disneyland's out-of-town visitors, we've compiled a summary of serious crimes committed in the city housing the "Happiest Place on Earth" for the period of July 3 to 9.

Here are the reported crimes for the week:

Stolen vehicles ..................................................... 27
Grand thefts ......................................................... 20
Drunk-driving arrests .......................................... 39
Identity thefts ...................................................... 11
Drug busts ........................................................... 8
Assaults ............................................................... 4
Stolen credit cards ............................................... 12
Arson ................................................................... 1
Street gang activity .............................................. 9

Yes, the famous theme park calls itself the "Happiest Place on Earth" and countless kids and adults love the place with good reason, but there's a dark side to the Disneyland area.

As a public service for park visitors please remember that the streets around Disneyland are crime magnets.

If you don't believe it, consider a summary of only reported Anaheim crime for the week leading up to July 3:

Stolen vehicles ..................................................... 26
Prostitution ............................................................ 3
Drunk driving arrests ............................................. 24
Identity thefts ........................................................ 8
Drug busts ............................................................. 7
Grand thefts ........................................................... 18
Shootings, hit and runs, overdoses and assaults ........ 4

KNBC's Chuck Henry recently scooped everyone with this: Oddly, the only two commercial properties in the U.S. that have gained federal no-fly-zone status after 9/11 are Disneyland in Anaheim and Disneyworld in Orlando. The play parks won the favor just days after President George W. Bush invaded Iraq, according to Henry.

The ban keeps aircraft three miles away and at least 3,000 feet above the properties around the clock.

So? Well, if you're thinking the feds are merely protecting sites where large crowds gather, think again. No other theme park in the nation—including Universal Studios, Six Flags, Knotts Berry Farm or Magic Mountain—has such protection. In fact, the Las Vegas strip regularly holds more people on any given day. Anyone can fly over the strip.

Worse, Henry noted, "The unique status that has been granted the Disney theme parks is something that even Southern California's highest potential terrorist targets don't have, and that includes LAX. We hired a pilot and a small plane and flew over the airport terminals, fuel tanks and even active runways. Then we headed south to Orange County and flew over another potential terror target, the San Onofre nuclear reactor. There are no flight restrictions here, either."

Disney officials declined to talk on camera to KNBC, but Loretta Sanchez, who represents Anaheim in Congress, called the special treatment "amazing" and laughed about the "power of the mouse ears." She also blames the ban on a secret directive written cryptically into federal legislation by . . . wrong . . . Alabama Republican Senator Richard Shelby. According to Sanchez, Shelby buried his move in a $350 billion appropriations bill in 2003.

"It hasn't had a hearing," Sanchez told Henry. "It wasn't made public. It just happened."

Shelby's office told KNBC, "no comment."

Would Disney use the threat of terrorism as a cheap business ploy? At least one California pilot thinks so. He told Henry that Disney officials wanted the special federal restrictions to prevent planes with commercial ad banners from flying near their parks.

Perhaps it's a small world after all.

Disney is a notoriously litigious corporation that defends what it feels belongs to them, whether intellectual property rights or the city of Anaheim. So it'll be interesting to see what, if any, reaction, they'll do after this children's television show aired on Hamas' Palestinian television network that featured a Mickey Mouse rip-off railing against the Zionists and dancing to a song about an AK-47. So Disney: will you give the terrorists the same treatment you give Florida day care centers?

The first sentence tells both what you already knew, and in many ways, all you need to know.

In Anaheim, even the tie goes to Disney.

But what really makes the story worth reading is its account of how Disney manufactured the tie vote by the Anaheim city council.  Some might say Disney's attorneys intimidated Councilwoman Lucille King into recusing herself, thereby setting up the tie vote that killed the affordable housing project.  Some might say Mickey's members of the bar strongarmed her.  I prefer to say they "imagineered" a menacing specter of "civil or criminal penalties", if King performed her duties as a member of the council and voted on the project.

Read the story here.

That's what this website claims and has the pictures of an orange jump-suited inflatable doll inside a fenced-off section of a pseudo-American West landscape to prove it. But there's a warning flag to doubt its authenticity--the website calls the ride "Rocky Mountain Railroad," when everyone knows it's Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Might be an honest mistake, but I wouldn't know, being as I haven't visited The Happiest Place on Earth in 12 years--and I grew up about five miles away. Awright, Disneyana nerds: are the photos really at Big Thunder?