With apologies to Orange County Register sports genius Randy Youngman, notes, quotes and observations from yesterday’s sojourn to Sacramento, where I received a Latino Spirit Award (honoring Latinos who have made a positive contribution to California) from the California Latino Legislative Caucus:

*Hosting me for two days was the saintly, ever-hilarious Matt Coker, longtime managing editor of the OC Weekly, currently editor at the Sacramento News and Review. Clockwork Coker remains as troublemaking as every—the latest cover story involved furries. He’s currently very happy because your Anaheim Angels are kicking ass.

*Latino Spirit Award winners included longtime Raiders quarterback Jim Plunkett, legendary playwright Luis Valdez, teacher Jaime Escalante (of Stand and Deliver fame), other worthy businessmen, activists, and movie producers—and me. I was the youngest of the honorees by at least 20 years.

*Why did I receive the award? Blame Hector de la Torre, assemblyman from South Gate. A couple of months ago, we met for breakfast burritos at Athenian Burger #3 in Buena Park, where he interviewed me to see if I was worthy of the award. It wasn’t De La Torre’s decision alone—he nominated me, and the other members of the Latino Legislative Caucus had to approve it. Gracias, cabrones.

*Before we were recognized on the Assembly floor, staffers herded us into a room named after longtime Speaker of the Assembly Willie Brown. Without warning, Chuck Devore burst in. “Did you bring my book?” he said with a grin, referring to China Attacks, his 2001 tome you can find at San Diego State’s bookstore for 24 freakin’ cents.

To paraphrase a paraphrase of Mark Twain, reports of my deportation have been greatly exaggerated.

Yes, I know I announced last Thursday that I was ending my ¡Ask a Mexican! column, but few people seemingly bothered to read the line where I stated my self-deportation was "effective the feast day of St. Melito," which happens to fall today. April Fools'!

In this day of Google and instant knowledge, I must admit I was shocked that only two people called me on my bluff: Diego Renteria, an 18-year-old student at Harvard who runs the fine blog Soledad en Masa, and my best friend. Sources much more reputable than them, from bloggers at the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times to Reason editor (and my old Times op-ed boss) Matt Welch, to the magnificent LAObserved and the many newspaper and radio reporters seeking an interview with me to discuss the retirement, initially fell for the prank (any mitigations came after initial posts marking my passing as fact). And, sí, Kevin Roderick: my farewell column counts as an April Fools' joke even though it published on Thursday--remember that I set it to activate on the feast day of St. Melito. April Fools'!

So, to clear up any confusion, and to paraphrase a paraphrase of a Byrds' paraphrase of Bob Dylan: I ain't going nowhere. I do stand by most of the assertions in my "finale": not enough of you are uploading questions to my YouTube channel. Mexicans are Americans--at least this anchor baby, and the hundreds of fellow anchor babies he knows. The column will one day follow in the grand tradition of American ethnic humor like Mr. Dooley and Pat Morita and be looked at as an antiquated relic of a time when America was too xenophobic to bother realizing its idiot immigrants were invigorating the Republic anew. But that time isn't now, so keep sending questions, cabrones!

To close, a couple of Confidential Tos:

*To the hundreds of people who emailed me and left comments on my MySpace pageexpressing sadness that I was canceling Ask a Mexican!: Gracias for the kind words and support from the bottom of my heart. My column would be nothing without ustedes.

*To the three people who emailed me expressing happiness I was quitting, and the dozens who left nasty comments on various blogs: You hate me, you really hate me! I'm honored you waste so much energy on me. Don't you know that my ego feeds off your love? Honestly, the worst thing you Know Nothings can do is ignore me--but since ustedes love me so, I'm glad that won't ever happen!

*To Tony O: Amateur enough for ya?

*To the California Coalition for Immigration Reform: The only people in my life who have ever called me "Gus" were unassimilated Mexicans. Since when did wabs take over CCIR?

*To Albuquerque Weekly Alibi editor Christie Chisolm: Gracias for the idea!

*To everyone else: The paperback edition of Ask a Mexican! comes out April 22--pre-order today!

*Updated, with new material on the bottom...

My ¡Ask a Mexican! YouTube experiment is barely a month old, and some Know Nothings are already missing the point. Take the example of YouTube subscriber Aztlanbuster, who stole my YouTube clip regarding the Reconquista and relabeled it "MEXICANS WANT CANADA TOO." I thought it was Mexicans who were prone to stealing and piratería, Aztlanbuster—gracias for proving me wrong! And the lack of humor toward satire—are you majoring in Chicano Studies?

Not missing the point is Brook Young, proprietor of Immigration Watchdog and a guy who's so border enforcement-serious users must register to post comments on his site. Since I don't have papers to comment on his site, I'll use the open borders at Navel Gazing to extend my thanks to Brook for his plug today titled "Brown Supremacist Gustavo Arellano Shows His Ugly Face On YouTube." Dunno where you got the brown supremacist thing from—I was fighting your raison d'etres over at La Voz de Aztlan and the Mexica Movement before Lou Dobbs knew what a La Raza was, although I won't dispute your description of my mug. But wasn't it Thoreau who said those who sport soul patches shouldn't throw ugly charges? Congrats, by the way, on making the Southern Poverty Law Center's latest Nativist watch alongside our very own Wiley Drake. And buena suerte (Aztlanista for "good luck") with your fight against Minuteman founder Jim Gilchrist!

**UPDATE: The MySpace page Exposing Justice--devoted to exposing "criminal illegal aliens" and definitely not Raza--weighs in.

The logo for my ¡Ask a Mexican! column has been used to promote everything from phone cards to sexual harassment claims, but never, never gay porn--until now.

We won't plug the website that's using the Mexican logo without our permission or that of the mad genius who created the illustration, Mark Dancey, but we will say that this website uses the logo in the Dirty Sanchez sense to entice horny guys to subscribe to its offerings. To wit:

Hola Gringos! Come on in and take a dirty look around. Come see my stash of dirty gay porn sites! I got dirty cheap trials and dirty free porn sites too! Come back and visit me again coz I find you more every week!

And:

Escuchame mis dirty little muchachos! These dirty trials are all legit. Dirty [Gustavo's note: name redacted so the pendejos don't get any hits] have a dirty great time trying them all - mi salchicha is well worned out!!! The dirty boys on these dirty gay porn sites are muy caliente.

I'm all for my joto brothers to get their rocks off, but not at mine or Dancey's expense. Sorry, chulos: the Mexican is more of a Brazzers type of guy.

Buried deep in the pages of something called the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer was an Associated Press dispatch revealing that your favorite wab is amongst the winners of this year's Civies, an award given out by the Americans for More Civility, a group of exactly two people.

In announcing my honor, the organization said that the Mexican "offered something novel to the immigration debate: a few laughs ..." Other winners this year included retired Supreme Court judge Sandra Day O'Connor and Brad Pitt--and that's the last time you'll ever see my name next to people of such real caliber.

From LA Observed: Gustavo's Ask A Mexican column is in this year, while Miss Manners is out - according to Hank Stuever at the Washington Post.

Also on The List:

OUT: Pinkberry; IN: Vita Coco
OUT: Sex; IN: Naps
OUT: Meerkats; IN: Squirrels
OUT: "Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!"; IN: “Yo Gabba Gabba!”

KFI finally uploaded our Mexican's 11/30 show in three parts: "Assimilation debate," "Illegals and crime" and "Ask a Mexican."

Leave it to KFI to label the first two segments in such a way. Don't be fooled, Gustavo talks about way more than that and plays some awesome music. He also slams the phone on some ranting idiot boxes.

Listen in to find out what avocados have to do with testicles. . .

*Thanks to Pablo for the tip.

The most common question I received all weekend, after I appeared on KFI-AM 640 to ply my ¡Ask a Mexican! spiel: How the hell did I smuggle myself onto the KFI airwaves? Tequila? Are they sponsoring my citizenship? Tamales?

Chalk it up to luck, idiocy, and graciousness.

A couple of months ago, I received an email from Neil Saavedra, KFI's marketing director, host of The Jesus Christ Show, and OC Weekly cover boy. He was wondering if I'd be interested in guest-hosting on KFI. After reassuring me he wasn't joking, Neil said he'd take the idea to KFI programming director Robin Bertolucci. We had lunch a couple of weeks later, where I pitched my radio show idea to the two--non-stop bashing of Carona and the Catholic Church, with ¡Ask a Mexican! for the last hour. They seemed interested but I left lunch with no promises for guest-hosting in the future.

Seriously: tomorrow, at 7 p.m. inshallah, yours truly will be a guest host on KFI-AM 640. Sí, the same KFI of perpetual Latino immigrant antagonizers John & Ken, of Rush Limbaugh, Dr. Laura, Matt Drudge, and so many other conservative darlings is allowing this Mexican to peddle his Reconquista propaganda for three hours--no restrictions, no co-host to mitigate. I'll do some on-air "Ask a Mexican" until the masses tire of it, at which point...well, you'll just have to tune in tomorrow, ¿qué no?

A couple of weeks ago, your favorite wab invaded the pages of the Eugene Weekly, the great alt-weekly that serves Eugene, Oregon. The reception hasn't been bueno--in fact, Eugene Weekly editor Ted Taylor met yesterday with "concerned Latino community leaders" (my quotes, not his) who want him to drop the column. In order to explain ¡Ask a Mexican! to the non-satire inclined, the paper's cover story this week is an interview with me, which touches on the same notes that this one and this one did. And for further merriment, check out this segment on a Eugene television station. Confidential to the Asian chick, who fretted that the next insulting column down my slippery slope would be "Ask an Asian": it's even better than that--it's "Ask a Korean!", and it's pinche brilliant.

One of the most-asked questions in ¡Ask a Mexican! history is why Mexican men love to sexually harass women so much. Folks don't seem to buy my explanation that it's a guy thing, not a Mexican thing.

Well, the recent reports exposing New York Jets fans as the greatest harassers since Bill Clinton should put the Mexican claims to rest--yeah, right...

See also the always-fabulous Smoking Gun for more idiot Jets fans...

In a way. Long Beach State journalism professor Christopher Karadjov also writes a weekly column for a Bulgarian newspaper about life in the States. In October, he wrote about my ¡Ask a Mexican! column to good feedback from his Bulgarian readership (whom, no doubt, are predisposed to like Mexicans since they upset Mexico in the 1994 FIFA World Cup). He shared this information with me yesterday, when I spoke to his senior seminar on opinion-writing at Long Beach State. As to what Karadjov actually wrote, the good professor writes he'll share with us non-Buggers soon!

UPDATE: Croatia also loves ¡Ask a Mexican!

In case you couldn't be there, Luke Ford was, and links to the video he shot of the event on Youtube.

The awards keep piling up for ¡Ask a Mexican!--but not that we're keeping track. And today, we receive word that others are winning awards off of us. The two guys and one gal at KCAL-FM 96.7's Morning Stiffy Show in the Inland Empire called us today (actually, interviewed us) and revealed they recently won an award for Best Interview from the Morning Show Boot Camp, the country's premier gathering of morning shows. The subject of the interview? Yo, earlier this summer. Congrats, Stiffies: now howzabout ustedes mow MY lawn for a change?

In June, Gustavo Arellano took home the LA Press Club's prestigious President's Award for his much linked-to and ripped off "Ask A Mexican" column. And yesterday, we saw him running around the office in a suit and tie instead of the usual button-down shirt, toting a rather large engraved crystal. The reason? The National Hispanic Media Coalition deemed him worthy of their Impact Award for Excellence in Print Journalism.

Congrats, Gustavo! But here's hoping you weren't wearing that suit + sneakers combo at the actual ceremony...

Months ago, while I was in New York for business, I asked my editor at Scribner if the rumor was true: Was the best damn publishing house on Earth really talking with Daniel Hernandez about bringing him into our familia? My jefe said sí, and I rejoiced.

Hernandez, for those of you who aren't familiar, is an award-winning 26-year-old chingón: a staff writer at LA Weekly, keeper of one of Southern California's more eclectic blogs, as apt to write about mustaches as he is deflating false saints. A good guy, talented as fuck--and the man who made my career.

¡Ask a Mexican! has directly inspired some columns (Ask a Cuban-American, Ask a Korean) or been the basis for shameless rip-offs (The Ethnicist, I'm looking at you--and why haven't you posted in ages?). It was under this aegis of debunking stereotypes that new Anchorage Press editor Bingo Barnes thought it would be smart to solicit writers for a column aimed at explaining Alaska's natives--would call it "Ask an Eskimo," even.

Boy, was Barnes wrong. After a snow flurry of controversy, Barnes has apologized, but the natives (both white and not) are still fuming. The Press no longer plans to run "Ask an Eskimo!" and we think it's a shame. The only things I know about Alaska's natives is a result of watching Chilly Willy and Nanook of the North and eating too many damn Eskimo Pies. Oh, and The Simpsons Movie part with the Eskimo with the big mamaganzas--that's documentary, right?

Every month, I appear on the Kevin and Bean Show on KROQ-FM 106.7 and play live ¡Ask a Mexican! It's a fun segment, if only so that listeners can hear the boyos' theme song for the bit--a snippet of every alt-rock song that has ever contained the word "Mexico," along with Cheech Marin's classic "Mexican-Americans" from back in his Chong days.

Today, many readers informed me that Kevin and Bean introduced a new segment to their show: "Axe a Black." Has the show already become so Mexican that they must resort to our proud tradition of piratería? Not quite: They freely cited me as inspiration. Haven't heard the segment yet, but I think Kevin and Bean would have more success with "Ask an Armenian."

By now, ustedes have no doubt heard that the Anaheim Union High School District Board of Trustees recently appointed Harald Martin to fill a vacant seat. Martin, old-timers may recall, once compared himself to Zapatistas leader Subcomandante Marcos, refused to apologize after blaming a 13-year-old for her molestation at the hands of a teacher, said "diversity is a killer," and once tried to sue Mexico for $50 million for educating the children of illegal immigrants. The move has sparked a rightful uproar in the blogosphere, and there is already a movement afoot, according to the OC Blog boyos, to get Martin booted out of office.

Good for those activists. But I, for one, am glad with the AUHSD Board's decision.

Two weekends back, The Mexican picked up the LA Press Club's President's Award. And just yesterday, Mireya Navarro of The New York Times gave his story some print time.

Some highlights:

In the process, “¡Ask a Mexican!” has turned its 28-year-old author into both a pundit, sought after by national news media to comment on all things Mexican, and a pariah.

Mr. Arellano, born in Anaheim to Mexican immigrants, one of them a father who crossed the border illegally several times starting in the 1960s, doesn’t deny that his satire is not for everyone. “I use the column to give the straight dope but also be as rude as possible to people who deserve it,” he explained. Accordingly, his responses often cite studies and statistics in a flurry of profanity. And he tackles some questions with the gusto of someone who not only wants to set the record straight but also wants to settle scores.

“My father was an illegal immigrant,” he said. “My mom was a tomato canner. They live their lives in Spanish. My parents are the immigrants that conservatives hate.”

Pick up the Los Angeles Times today and read my essay on the boneheaded Huntington Beach Fourth of July parade committee that decided to dick with Sylvia Mendez of Mendez vs. Westminster fame. Then browse through the Times' archives and find their June 17 best-seller list, in which my ¡Ask a Mexican! book clocks in at No. 9 in the nonfiction hardcover section. Finally, buy The New York Times this Sunday, when the Sunday Style section profiles me. And always, always click it or ticket. Now, back to another Catholic Church sex-abuse scandal story . . .

Three OC Weekly writers were nominated for L.A. Press Club Awards, and none of them came home empty-handed last night.

Gustavo Arellano won the President's Award for "Ask a Mexican."

R. Scott Moxley took first place in "Investigative/Series" for his piece "The New Crips." The judges said "We liked how Moxley laid out the case against this disabled 'activist' while treating him fairly and pointing out that the law is actually on his side. The story serves as much as an expose of the law as it does of the ex-drug dealer in the center of the story. "

And I, Luke Y. Thompson, scored an honorable mention (which is to say "third place") in the category of "Entertainment Reviews/Criticism" for a review of the film Monster House.

Yay us!

Poor Los Angeles Times. It's getting hammered all over, from buyouts to force-outs to ever-shrinking page counts to perceived shoddy coverage of La Lindsey. Now they're getting criticized by conservative news watchers for running a positive review of my book, ¡Ask a Mexican!, without disclosing that I'm a contributing editor to the Times' op-ed pages.

Newsbuster.org contributor Dave Pierre claims this is just more proof of the Times gone amiss. "In other words, Arellano had about as much chance of receiving a negative review as it snowing in Santa Monica this week," Pierre writes. "Honesty and integrity at the Los Angeles Times? Not in this case, folks."

I agree with Pierre on one point: The book review (written by chingona author and Loyola Law School professor Yxta Maya Murray) should've stated I do write commentary for the Times. But Pierre is pendejo to think that my relationship with the Times guarantees me positive coverage for ¡Ask a Mexican!. Indeed, just the previous week before, the Times allowed Latino culture reporter Agustin Gurza to write a scathing attack on my column/book in which he called me the "Paris Hilton of the Latino journalism world" and compared me to Don Imus (he also disclosed my contributing editor gig for his paper). And the day after Murray's review, the Times published a letter by one Rene M. Castro of Long Beach in which he dismissed my "cheap satire" as "meant for Orange County clubgoers who don't mind reading an article bashing Mexicans between the breast enhancement and strip club ads of the OC Weekly."

So why didn't Pierre disclose the above facts to his readers? Quoth GOB: come on! It simply doesn't play into his LA Times-is-liberal raison d'etre. Honesty and integrity at Newsbusters.org? Not in this case, folks.

Faithful readers of ¡Ask a Mexican! know that my favorite whipping boy is the Guatemalans.

Turns out, according to Time magazine's blog, chapines also serve the same purpose for presidential candidate John McCain.

Is the Mexican influencing national sentiment toward the Mayan menace?

Question: Which Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright recently mailed me a book with the note, "All the Best"? The only hint: The book sent by the laureate was Raul Morín's Among the Valiant: Mexican-Americans in World War II and Korea, which is in the same vein of macho swagger for which the Pulitzer Prize present-giver is famous. The first person to post the correct name of the playwright here, PLUS the name of the WWII hero mentioned in Morin's book whose life story was given the Charlton Heston treatment (i.e., someone slapped on the brownface to portray the chap in a film bio)* gets a free autographed copy of my ¡Ask a Mexican! book!

*Sorry for the second requirement, cabrones, but I don't want some wiseass to just post ALL of the Pulitzer Prize winners and claim the prize. Hint for the second requirement: The hero spoke Japanese!

By now, you've no doubt heard about the new amnesty proposal offered by Senate leaders, one both sides of the debate don't particularly seem to like. If you've been reading this Mexican over the years, you'll know I favor amnesty (I'll leave the particulars of my views to the book). It was inevitable, then, that the greatest poetic justice in the history of mankind happened this morning: as I entered the Weekly's parking garage and looked for my parking spot, I found a big truck with a bunch of lecherous Mexicans occupying it—and they weren't moving. My response? Called security on them to kick those pendejos out. Ain't no wabs going to take over my spot—unless they give me cheap labor, of course.

With apologies to Orange County Register sports genius Randy Youngman, notes, quotes and observations from my first book signing at Librería Martínez last Thursday:

*Fliers for the event promised free tequila for adults courtesy of SanTana-based La Tequilera, but some pendeja called the city to complain about this--nevermind that no temporary liquor license is required if you give away booze for gratis. Not only that, but said woman berated Mr. Martinez for hosting me in the first place. Pendeja. Macarthur Genius Martinez, ever the gentleman, went on a beer run right before I spoke.

*There was free Gringo Bandito Hot Sauce courtesy of the company, along with posters, stickers and pins. Not even the box that held all the items was to be seen by the end of the night.

*Libreria Martinez originally ordered 200 copies of ¡Ask a Mexican! but was afraid that might be too much. They sold out before I even spoke at 7pm. Desperate for more copies, Mr. Martinez asked if I had any on me. I did--30 copies. They sold out within five minutes. Not only that, but the Barnes & Noble in SanTana I had lurked in the previous week was cleared, along with the Borders at the Block in Orange.

*I expected maybe 150 people to attend. Friends estimate at least 300 tried to attend--many drove by and kept driving after seeing the spillover crowd on the sidewalks. The room was packed. Local celebrities in the audience included Orange County Business Journal editor Rick Reiff, Dana Harvey of Harvey's Bags fame, JC Fandango owner Javier Castellanos and Memphis owner Diego Velasco (one of the people who waited outside). None of my former Weekly colleagues who now work at The District, though...although Lowery and ¡Ask a Mexican! creator Will Swaim did call with congrats.

*Due to the demand, I will have another OC signing, if not more. Details to come. Want to host the Mexican? E-mail me at GArellano@ocweekly.com. Next signing is tomorrow/today, at the Pico Rivera Borders, 8852 Washington at 7pm. Call (562) 942-9919 for more info.

*Craziest moment of the night: my girlfriend's niece's brother came late and so couldn't buy a book. Someone offered to sell a copy to him for $30--$10 more than the cover price. Sold! Fucking Mexican scalpers.

The book version of ¡Ask a Mexican! officially hits stores mañana, but a quick look through the SanTana Barnes & Noble reveals it's already in stock. In anticipation of it, I've done mucho interviews in the past week--and it's only begun. Below is a quick run-down:

San Antonio Current

Rocky Mountain Chronicle

Squeeze OC (yes, you read right: our sworn enemy is nice enough to cover us--gracias!

La Bloga (bad-ass blog devoted to Latino writers)

Reuters

More to come. In the meanwhile, buy my book!

The OC Weekly is looking for a freelancer who will do food reviews for nosotros--and not just every couple of weeks. We're talking once a week, every week, to complement This Hole-in-the-Wall Life and to give this Mexican a break as his pinche book release approaches. Qualified candidates must accept reimbursements for all meals, a small-but-muy bueno stipend on top of that, and visit Orange County's best new and higher-end restaurants. So, why haven't you applied?

Send all résumés--including cover letter, clips, and your choice for the county's most overrated restaurant--to:

OC Weekly

ATT: Ted Kissell

1666 N. Main St., Ste. 500

Santa Ana, CA 92701

No phone calls or e-mail, por favor. And No Vegans Need Apply.

Your favorite wab invades bookstores nationwide on May 1 with the hardcover version of ¡Ask a Mexican! (pre-order your copy on Amazon now). What can you expect? Here's Publisher's Weekly take on it:

In Arellano's popular Orange County Weekly column "¡Ask a Mexican!" now widely syndicated and gathered in this acerbic volume, he answers serious, curious, and sometimes hateful but mostly irreverent questions about Mexicans. This book compiles what are presumably the best question-and-answer exchanges over the past two years, under topics including language, sex, immigration and food. Arellano wittily defuses bigotry and mocks stereotypes with his often well-researched replies. To the inquiry on the authenticity of flour vs. corn tortillas, he explains that the Spaniards created the former. "Why do Mexicans wear their clothes when swimming?" is a recurring question among Arellano's readers; his answer: good manners. In response to the vitriolic "What is it about the word illegal that Mexicans don't understand," he points out that U.S. employers don't understand the word either. The author's relentless irony and reclamation of derogatory terms (e.g., "wab," the Orange County version of wetback) is not for the faint of heart, but this approach is a welcome reprieve from common tiptoeing around the fraught subjects of race relations and immigration.

Here's the link (The Mexican is the seventh item down). In the meanwhile...pre-order the book!

Daily Rotten is one of the great websites on Earth--the Drudge Report for non-Coast to Coast weirdos, for fans of stories involving faked dildo rapes, all things Haidl, and men regretting not punching Bob Hope in the face when they had a chance (needless to say, Daily Rotten picks up at least one Weekly story a month). Today's edition picked up my story about a man being suspended from work for showing ¡Ask a Mexican! to a co-worker. On Daily Rotten's comments section (called the Daily Rotten Forum Experience), folks ragged on The Mexican, ragged on PC police, ragged on everything and everyone. But the following comment is perhaps the best criticism of the United States and Mexico we've yet heard:

Mexicunts and Americunts should get along. After all they're both cunts.

Caution: don't show the above comment to someone while at work.

Latest Los Angeles Times piece: my unperfect Spanish. Awright, pochos and wabs: go at it! And gabachos: how important is it to learn Spanish in these days of reconquista? Also, enjoy an oldie-but-goodie interview in the Utne Reader that appears in this month's edition!

Apparently Clockwork Coker and the typists of this infernal blog have nothing better than to post about my appearance on the Colbert Report every other fucking post. So here's my take:

Schwag like you won't believe: Tres bottles of vodka (promptly drunk after the show with my agent, his assistant and Javier Castellanos of JC Fandango fame). Every flavor of Altoids imaginable. Gift certificate for a fancy shoe store. A six-pack of Shiraz. Hangover pills. Some other shit. A Colbert Report tote bag. And granola bars. All the Today Show gave me was ranch dressing.

Arellano is the hardest surname to pronounce on Earth: Not only did Colbert mispronounce my last name twice, he also had to re-record the opening because he flubbed Arellano. It's OK: I called him a French-Canadian

Colbert is a gentleman: Thanked me thrice for appearing on his show, when I should've vacuumed his house for a year for this opportunity. Met me in the green room. Said, "Gabacho, gringo, gaijin, geek--why do so many names for outsiders begin with the letter G?" To which I added Gustavo. And he laughed

Guestbook of the stars: In the green room was a book filled with previous guest. Christine Ampamour. William Kristol. Frank McCourt. So many distinguised guests. And this wab.

So much more to report--so read the coming cover story on this whole Mexican fame thing in the coming weeks. And as for the patience-pacencia controversy. . . read Ask a Mexican next week, cabrones. Now I'm off to pick weeds.

Longtime OC Weekly readers will remember my 2003 cover story on how conservatives use the Chicano students group MEChA to smear politicians. Read the latest update in in today's Times, where I argue MEChA isn't racist. Have at it, boyos!

The invasion continues as Univision's Despierta América (think Today except with hotter chicks, Ann Curry notwithstanding) films a segment with The Mexican this Tuesday (mañana) at 6 p.m. on the corner of Spurgeon and Fourth streets in downtown SanTana. No punches, please--just amor!