Orange County developers snared in hot lesbo love in!

Don't know if you caught this buried in the LA "By God" Times' Jan. 12 front-pager on Governor Big Lippy sending his chief-of-staff out to court his big-money Republican donors: their first get together will be this coming Wednesday, Jan. 18, at the Irvine Co.'s "Fantasy" Island Hotel (formerly the Four Seasons; don't worry: you still can't afford it) at Newport Center. Co-hosting this little confab will be the comedy tag-team stylings of George Argyros and General William Lyon (no doubt still in his spurs). Besides owning or having once owned or building on all the Orange County real estate that the Irvine Co.'s Don Bren or the Mission Viejo Co.'s O'Neill Family didn't beat them to, Argyros and Lyon were once partners in Air Cal, a commuter airline that was based just outside John Wayne Airport, a commuter airline that was later swallowed up by American Airlines and a commuter airline that once employed the wife of a certain snarky alt.weekly blogger who to this day carries a grudge against the two rich fucks for selling their airline off, because even though the wife had to drive early every morning from the godforsaken Inland Empire to the complex across the street from what is now the Orange Coast Magazine offices, a commute that nearly killed her, THE HUBBY GOT TO FLY FREE!!! But let's get back to Schwarzy's lesbian chief-of-staff, shall we? It's obvious the Governator is thinking that once the bigwigs get to meet and know his right-hand lady Ms. Susan Kennedy, they'll be as infatuated as he is, they'll get past the fact that she likes the ladies, and all will be well in the California Republican Party again. Well, as well as can be expected considering he and the Redding dogcatcher are the state's only GOP administrators.

Now, some are calling this a HUGE miscalculation, that the social conservatives and fundie Christians who make up the party's base have already moved beyond the issue: so far beyond they're ready to dump Schwarzenegger. Hell, most were ready to dump him before he hired Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hell, there were a bunch ready to dump him before his disastrous special election. So this could actually be the Terminator's last sequel, or stand, forcing him to reach out to the big-money middle. Argyros, Lyon and their ilk are, after all, the driving forces behind the anemic New Majority that's tried unsucessfully to bring the Orange County Republican Party out of the 1950s and into the new millennium.

It makes us here at Clockwork wonder how Wednesday's engagement shower will play out . . .

FADE IN:

Long, dark corridor deep in the bowels of the Islands Hotel, Newport Beach.

CUT TO:

A set of double doors. HOLD ON sign: "Top Secret - Authorized Billionaires Only." Suddenly the doors swing open to display a badly lit ballroom. Thick cigar smoke wafts through the air. Thick-boned men huddle around tables overflowing with Champagne, enormous shrimp cocktails and the blood of babies. Oddly, despite the thick cigar smoke, none are smoking cigars.

PAN OVER TO:

A darkened stage, darker even more than the rest of the room. A small overhead light shines on an unadorned podium. Out of the shadows, a strange looking older man appears.

LARRY THOMAS: Attention everyone. For those who don't know me, and that would be no one here ...

The joke cracks up Thomas and Thomas alone.

LARRY THOMAS (continuing, uncomfortably): ... uh, yeah, like I was saying, I'm Larry Thomas, Lyin' Larry Thomas as some of you know me, the official unofficial spokesman for Irvine Co. chairman Donald--

Lyin' Larry is interrupted by a deep, disembodied voice.

VOICE: SILENCE! Gentlemen, it is I, your esteemed overlord Donald Bren ...

CUT TO:

Men at their seats, looking around in bewilderment, wondering where the voice could possibly be coming from.

CUT TO:

The podium, where Lyin' Larry is playing with lint in his navel as the Voice of Bren continues.

VOICE OF BREN: I have brought you here because it is dark times for we California land rapers. The Democrats in Sacra-Skidrow are racheting up regulations, even after we stroke them outside the public eye. Meanwhile, the hillbillies on our far right flank are running away from us, visions of HIV-positive illegal alien Jew married gays dancing in their heads.

CUT TO:

A table filled with big men in big suits chiming in with, "Harumph, harumph, harumph..."

CUT TO:

The podium, where Lyin' Larry, nodding in agreement, suddenly zeroes in on one of his fingers, lifts it up to his nose and smells it as the Voice of Bren continues.

VOICE OF BREN: Now, as you know, normally we wouldn't give a shit about any of this shit, so long as we could continue unabated with our mini malls and toll roads and hardware warehouses and planned communities and unplanned communities and whatnot. That's why we put our Golden Nazi Boy in Sacra-Skidrow to keep the focus off us.

Curtains behind the podium are drawn open to reveal a large portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger, his lip still puffy from his recent motorcycle accident.

VOICE OF BREN: But the forces of leftist evil have gotten the upper hand, and we now fear it will effect our bottom lines. So that is why I have ordered, er, invited the Governor to send Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger down here to meet with us, get to know us, and open her gigantic man purse wide enough to take back with her an amount equal to the gross national product of Chile.

CUT TO:

A different table filled with identical looking big men in big suits. They slam their open hands on the table as they parrot even more impassioned, "Harumph, harumph, harumph..."

VOICE OF BREN: SILENCE! Before we meet Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger, it is my pleasure to introduce today's hosts, my dear friends, fellow land rapers and steam-room buddies, the one and only Georgie "Porgie, Pudding and Pie" Argyros and General William "I'm Lyin' if I'm Not" Lyon!

The Tonight Show theme (Johnny Carson version) kicks up as we ...

CUT TO:

A wide shot of the stage, where two portly men waddle toward the middle from opposite ends. Lyin' Larry, bewildered, tip toes off stage. WILLIAM LYON pulls the microphone off the podium stand and begins to speak, but he is cut off when GEORGE ARGYROS grabs it away.

GEORGE ARGYROS: I just flew in from Spain, and boys are my arms fat.

CUT TO:

Men in the crowd looking nervously at one another as the sound of crickets fills the room.

CUT TO:

Argyros on stage, surprisingly upbeat over his dud joke's reception as he chug-a-lugs from a gravy boat. As gooey matters runs off his chin, he continues.

ARGYROS: Hey, after my failed ambassadorship, I'm used to tough crowds. I was a bigger bomb in Spain than the Madrid terrorism disaster.

CUT TO:

Fat men at their tables, nodding in agreement and saying, "So true, so true."

ARGYROS: But enough about me. It has come to our attention that not all is right in what our esteemed governor refers to as Calleyfoneeyuh, but we're about to change all that, right General?

CUT TO:

Lyon, standing a few feet a way and mouthing something we can't here because he doesn't have the mic.

CUT TO:

Tight shot of Argyros, dripping with fat and flop sweat, as he continues.

ARGYROS: Yeah, you tell 'em, General. Anyway, I don't want to keep her waiting . . .

CUT TO:

Lyon, still mouthing something we can't hear, which catches Argyros' eye. So he leans over with the mic in time to catch Lyon's final words.

LYON: . . . And that's why this ain't the fucking Crazy Horse!

ARGYROS: I couldn't have said it better, General. And now, ladies and gentlemen, or that should be lady and gentlemen since Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger, is the only lady here, if it is even proper protocol to refer to a lesbian as a lady. Crap, I wish I'd paid more attention to that at Ambassador Protocol School. Ah, jeez, come on out Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

CUT TO:

The right side of the stage, where a small, thin woman gingerly walks across the stage as the song "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" blares from the speakers. As she reaches the two men in front of the podium, Argyros hands her the microphone.

ARGYROS: Here you go, honey.

Argyros and Lyon waddle over to the side of the stage as Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger, grabs both sides of the podium like their handlebars.

MS. SUSAN KENNEDY, LESBIAN CHIEF OF STAFF OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: (Nervously) Good day, gentlemen. On behalf of my boss, I would like to thank you for agreeing to meet with me.

CUT TO:

Big, burly men at their tables, tuning her out as they devour piles of food that had been placed before them.

CUT TO:

Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzegger, at the podium, looking on in disgust, as she taps the microphone to see if it's on and continues.

MS. SUSAN KENNEDY, LESBIAN CHIEF OF STAFF OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Mercy. Is that even dead?

CUT TO:

Men at tables, laughing their asses off to the comment as red muck clings to their jowls.

CUT TO:

Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger, at the podium.

MS. SUSAN KENNEDY, LESBIAN CHIEF OF STAFF OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Let's cut to the chase, gentlemen. I walked through the ruins, icons of glory, smashed by the bombs from above, so we must love while these moments are still called today.

CUT TO:

Fat guys at a table, looking at one another, bewildered.

CUT TO:

Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger, at the podium.

MS. SUSAN KENNEDY, LESBIAN CHIEF OF STAFF OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Yes, I am sure you are all as familiar as I am with those stirring words from the Indigo Girls, and as their songs says . . .

CUT TO:

Lyon, at the side of the stage, whispering into Argyros' ear.

LYON: Girls want to indigo where?

CUT TO:

Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger, at the podium.

MS. SUSAN KENNEDY, LESBIAN CHIEF OF STAFF OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Look, gents, let us be frank.

CUT TO:

A fat guy at a table, mocking her.

FAT GUY: No, you be Frank, honey. You're the one wearing the pants.

He and the rest of the boys double over in laughter.

CUT TO:

Argyros and Lyon, at the side of the stage, bumping big bellies together like celebrating athletes would with their chiseled chests.

CUT TO:

Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger, shaking her head in disgust, as she continues.

MS. SUSAN KENNEDY, LESBIAN CHIEF OF STAFF OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: (Sarcastic) Hah-hah, very funny, boys. But remember that I've got a bigger set than anyone in this room . . .

CUT TO:

Lyin' Larry in the wings, mumbling to himself:

LYIN' LARRY: So true, so true.

CUT TO:

A prissy looking man, the thinnest in the room, rising from his seat. He shouts at the stage.

PRISSY MAN: MA'AM! MA'AM. (Clears throat) My name is Reverend Churchy McChurch, and on behalf of the Traditional Values Coalition of Land Owners and our partners in the largest faith-based land ownership group of all, the Church of Scientology, we must express our grave misgivings about your appearance here before us. Now, we're sure if you'd just come down here and pray with us, surely you'd see things our way and immediately marry a former faggot who's graduated from our homosexual conversion program.

CUT TO:

Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger, at the podium, looking quite chagrined.

MS. SUSAN KENNEDY, LESBIAN CHIEF OF STAFF OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Guys. Amigos. Christian fuck face. Men after my own dark heart. Think about it: we own the state. We control everything that happens. Now is not the time to pull apart. Now is the time to come together, to heal our wounds, to pick up our money-grubbing agenda where we left off. And most important of all, can you make sure the checks clear the bank by 3 o'clock 'cause I need to get home in time to catch "Amercian Woodshop" on PBS?

CUT TO:

Fat, well-fed, spent men, most of the lunch staining their fresh suits, all shaking in agreement. Reverend Churchy McChurch, looking converted, rises from his seat and starts a solo clap. The others join in, and thunderous applause fills the ballroom.

CUT TO:

Ms. Susan Kennedy, lesbian chief of staff of Arnold Schwarzenegger, as she bows her head.

MS. SUSAN KENNEDY, LESBIAN CHIEF OF STAFF OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Bless you. Oh, there was one more thing, could you please, please, and this is important, it concerns gay marriage...

VOICE OF BREN: SILENCE! You have finished addressing this assembly.

MS. SUSAN KENNEDY, LESBIAN CHIEF OF STAFF OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: But there was one more favor I really needed to ...

VOICE OF BREN: SILENCE, WOMAN, SILENCE! Do you not understand the meaning of the word silence? I said SILENCE! Christ on a bike, lady, we're willing to put up with you being a lesbian, but all that goddamned yammering. You'd think you were a Democrat!

MS. SUSAN KENNEDY, LESBIAN CHIEF OF STAFF OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: But I AM a Democrat.

VOICE OF BREN: Boys, lock the doors ...

 



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