Move Over, George Foreman: Here Comes Mr. T, Fools!

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You know it's a sad day in America when outside commercial interests horn in on the resurrection of an iconic television attraction. This, of course, is a reference to the upcoming movie The A-Team and the new infomercial starring Mr. T, who was B.A. Baracus on TV's The A-Team from 1983-87.

That's right: How dare Hollywood foist unrelenting hype for its commercial movie production at the same time Mr. T is lapping up glory from his turn as today's answer to George Foreman and his grill?

For those who are not insomniacs or welfare queens, "Mr. T's Kitchen Revolution" infomerical has the mohawked jewelry mannequin joining Darla Haun to tout the amazingness of the Flavor Wave Turbo Oven before a robotic studio audience.

Why, the Flavor Wave Turbo breakthrough miracle oven cooks all your favorite foods to perfection three times as fast! It bakes! It broils! It roasts! It toasts! It does your taxes! OK, maybe not the last one, but it will air fry your fry-ables without The Maaan's fat and oil.

As Mr. T, in a red polo with a tan apron over it, puts it after being shown a jar of all the fat that would have been in his fries had they been fried conventionally, "Who needs all that in their body?"

Indeed, Mr. T, indeed.

Does Mr. T ever say during the infomercial, "I pity the fool . . ."?

OF COURSE HE DOES, FOOL, HE'S MR. T!!!

DARLA [Carrying a chocolate cake with lit candles on top]: I have a surprise for you.

MR. T: It's not my birthday.

DARLA: It has to be your birthday sometime this year.

MR. T: You're not mistaken about that, Darla.

AUDIENCE: [Robotic laughter as Mr. T blows out the candles.]

DARLA: Now, you're not going to turn down a piece of this triple layer brownie cake, are you?

MR. T: I pity the fool who would do that. Let's have a piece!

Does Mr. T ever say, "Now enough of this jibber-jabber . . ."?

OF COURSE HE DOES, FOOL, HE'S MR. T!!!

DARLA: [Holding a gold medallion hanging from a thick gold chain] This is for being such a super duper good sport . . .

[As she puts the necklace over T's thick neck, we see the medallion reads "Flavor Wave Turbo."]

DARLA: . . . and a Flavor Wave Turbo expert.

MR. T: Oh, Darla, you shouldn't of. But I'm glad you did. [Facing the camera] Now enough of this jibber-jabber. It's time for you to pick up the phone and order your very own Flavor Wave Turbo Oven.

It's as if Mr. T is not playing Mr. T but all those who have done impressions of Mr. T.

Brilliant! For to do an informercial without line readings of "I pity the fool" and "now enough of this jibber-jabber" would be like ESPN's Chris Berman managing to do a commercial of any sort without uttering "back-back-back-back-back" and "he . . . could . . . go . . . all . . . the . . . way."

Yeah, like THAT would ever happen!

Please make it stop happening . . . pretty please with a Flavor Wave Turbo Oven-baked cherry on top?

In case anyone's wondering, the Flavor Wave Turbo Oven costs only three easy payments of $39.95.

Does anything ever cost three extremely difficult payments of $39.95?