Orange County Blog

Online celebrity website, TMZ.com is reporting this evening that Playboy's incoming CEO, Scott Flanders, hurriedly sucking out what little life Freedom Communications has left in its carcass while he remains at the helm for another four days, has evidently scored a coup and by hiring one of Micheal Jackson's closest assistance.

The Jackson aide, yet to be identified by name but said to be called "Big Blackie" and "Shadow" by Flanders, was often seen walking behind the King of Pop holding an umbrella over Jackson's head.

It's unclear what role he may perform at Playboy. Sources close to Hef say that Flanders has hinted he might assign Big Blackie, aka Shadow to head up the Interactive Department of the Men's magazine or merely make him in charge of detailing Flanders many classic Bentley's parked inside his plush Southern California estate.

Individuals within the Flanders' camp who spoke on the condition of anonymity said whatever role Shadow assumes, Mr. Flanders has assured him he'd be allowed to come inside the "big house" every so often, especially on "really hot days."

Ah, you can hear the wailing spirituals already echoing from Estate de Flanders'...."......swing low sweet chariot..."

At nearly the same moment Michael Jackson's entourage was frantically calling Los Angeles County 9-1-1 operators, across town an equally distressed group was attempting to get emergency care for their dying entity.....

While Michael Jackson's freakish heart was attacking him, the incompetent Board of Directors at Freedom Communications was having its own terminal meltdown.

Here is a transcript of that fateful 9-1-1 call:

Medic 33: Alright for Medic 33, what is your emergency?

Freedom Board Member: Yes sir, I need to… I need an ambulance as soon as possible, sir.

Medic: OK sir, what is your address?

Board member: 17666 Fitch in Irvine

Medic: Did you say Fitch? (heard off to the aside in what sounds like one medic speaking to another medic: "damn, I thought that place was abandoned after Bell was fired as CEO and the hapless Flanders was brought on board...")

Board member: 17666 Fitch, yes.

(Sic)

Medic: OK sir, what is the phone you are calling from? And sir, why don't you prompt me exactly what happened?

Board member: Right, it's 949-253-2300. Oh sir, what happened? We have uh an entire board of directors here that's clueless and needs help. And it's not working. It’s not functioning and we need to, we're trying to pump life into it but it's not... it's not working, sir. They're stupid and ignorant, sir.

Medic: OK, OK, how old is the company?

Board member: Sheesh, I'm 50 years old, sir and I was but a twinkle in my father's eye when great grandpa Hoiles started this paper. I've never had to work a day in my life, sir.

Medic: 50, OK. And the paper's near death. It's not working?

Board member: Yes, it’s not working sir.

Medic: OK, and it’s not as profitable either?

Board member: HELL NO! It’s not like when Grandpa had it, for sure sir.

(Background noise: Grandma, how’s it doing and can we hury up, I have a tennis leson at 3 o'clock?)

Medic: Has it hit the floor? Where’s right now?

Board member: It’s on its death bed, sir. It’s on its death bed.

Medic: OK let’s get to the botom line. OK? Let's get down to brass tacks. I’m going to help you with your EBITDA now, OK?

Board member: We need a......hedge fund (inaudible in the background...."shut up nephew, hedge funds are what got us into this mess in the first place....that muther f'ing BlackStone and that Jew bastard")

Medic: Yes, we're on our way there. We're going to infuse as much capital as possible to help you We're already on our way. Did anybody else hear this?

Board member : Yes, we have a personnel director with us, sir.

Medic: Oh, you have a director there?

Board member: Yes, but he’s not responding to anything....it's Flanders and he's as dumb as a box of rocks. No, he’s not responding to your questions or anything cuz he's moving over to Playboy next week so he's as engaged in this discussion as much as Ryan O'Neal is as interested in unique honeymoon locations.

Medic: Oh, OK. Well we’re on our way there regardless. If you guys are searchng for a new CEO and are instructed by a director of a higher authority than me, then please choose soemone smarter than Flanders. Um, did anybody witness what happened with him at Columbia House when he was CEO there?

Board member: Uh no, why, sir.

Medic: OK, never mind, you wouldn't want to know what happened? The douchebag tried to sell albums for 1 cent a piece and expected to make a profit. A retard selling pencils in Coney Island could make more money.

Board member: Uh, uh, director did you see what happened, sir?

(Background, Flanders speaks: Uh, you need to tell them they need to shut up! I have an undergraduated degree in accounting and a law degree and damn it, I've been in the CEO club longer than they have been twittering). I'm a CEO. I'm a CEO. I'm a CEO, I tell you!

Medic: Sir he just, um if you could just, if you please uh…

Board member: We’re F**ked. We’re so very F**ked!

Medic: I’m just asking questions but the shareholders are sh*tting in their pants knowing you nimrods are in control, sir.

Board member: Thank you, sir. He’s fluffing the numbers. He’s pumping his chest like he did something but he’s not really doing anything sir, please.

Medic: OK, OK, we’re on our way. We’re less than a mile away, and we’ll be there shortly.

Board member: Thank you, sir.

Medic: OK, OK, sir, call us back if you need any help or when your company is rid of Flanders and his ilk.

I see passive agressive tendencies are alive and well here. It's a powerful thing to be able to hide behind the shield of an anonymous name and post a degrading comment or two. Sure you feel good about yourself while you are doing it. People read your witty banter, a few laugh and your the man. But at the end of the day it really doesn't make you feel better does it? You're still the same passive aggressive person, lonely and looking for attention.