25 Reasons Why Orange County Will Always Kick LA's Ass

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Photo from the Ed Carrrasco Archives
With honeys like this, who needs LA?
It's been more than a year now since my "50 Reasons Why Orange County is the Worst Effing Place in America" listicle scandalized so many, and I still get crap for it. I'll always stand by it, because everything in it was true. But to the haters, I offer this olive branch: at least we're not Los Angeles.

LA: land of self-important aggrandizers since the days that Iowans were invading the parks of Long Beach and Okies were beating up all the native minorities. Place of perpetually clogged freeways, of eternally vain people who must always look down upon us, their former colony, as a place of no culture, no diversity, and no good places to eat--otherwise known as Silver Lake. Or is it Venice? Or Los Feliz? Or Reseda? It's all one formless, bearded blob of pendejos.

Okay, we kid. We like LA--Thai Town is not without its charms. And I did graduate from UCLA, so there's that. But OC will always kick LA's ass, in matters historical and political, aesthetic and hot chicks, so behold 25 scientific reasons--in no particular order--why we rule and BEAT LA! BEAT LA! BEAT LA! Enjoy, and pass it on!

See also:

25. Accessible Beaches.


Sure, we don't have water as clear as Hawaii, but virtually all of our shore--give or take a couple of Emerald Bay and Headlands assholes--is available to the public, with amazing waves in Huntington Beach, pretty coves in Laguna, beach bunnies in Balboa, jarheads down in San Clemente, and relative serenity in Seal Beach. Los Angeles, on the other hand, can count on toxic waters from Long Beach through Pedro, class warfare from Malibu through Pacific Palisades and the entirety of the Palos Verdes Peninsula. What's left, from Redondo Beach through Santa Monica, is bro-tastic/tourist hell that makes HB seem as bucolic as Thousand Steps.

24. We Love Long Beach More

Wikipedia Commons
Who needs LAX when we have Long Beach Airport?

Whereas LA barely bothers with the port city, we have colonized the LBC for ourselves, showing LA doesn't appreciate a good thing. Also: see Artesia, Cerritos, Diamond Bar, and Whittier.

23. LA's Arbiters of Musical and Food Tastes are OC Boys

Photo by Christopher Victorio
Zach will always deny his OC roots; we'll always remind him

Two men who fundamentally changed the way Los Angeles thinks about itself in terms of food and music--Roy Choi with his Kogi BBQ luxe lonchera, and Zach Zack de la Rocha of Rage Against the Machine--spent their formative years in Orange County: Choi graduated from Villa Park High, de la Rocha from University High in Irvine. Yeah, they ran kicking and screaming away from us the minute they could (and Gwen Stefani, too, so don't bother pointing that out), but they wouldn't have been the pioneers they are today without us disgusting them so much that they vowed to change the world.

22. LA's Ultimate Sports Heroes Live in OC
Kobe with his wife, Fullerton native Vanessa Laine Bryant

And two other men who have defined success for Los Angeles' premier sports teams--Tommy Lasorda for the Los Angeles Dodgers, Kobe Bryant for the Los Angeles Lakers--have lived almost the entirety of their Southern California lives in OC; Lasorda in the Sunny Hills neighborhood of Fullerton (where he's a legendary asshole), and Kobe in Newport Coast. Even Magic Johnson has a home in Dana Point. And don't bother pointing out that Anaheim Angels skipper Mike Scioscia lives in the San Fernando Valley; we know that, and also know he's a Dodgers first and foremost, so y'all can keep him.

21. Better Freeways

Okay, maybe not the 91...

You know that moment of relief when you pass Valley View on the south 5 and it opens up into a wide, modern freeway? Yeah, that.

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