Taking the Home Booze Breath Test Sent to the Weekly Newsroom, So You Don't Have To

Categories: DUI-yi-yi

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Although everyone simply adores all of us at the Weekly, you do get the notion while opening a package addressed only to "the newsroom" that there could be anthrax inside.

This fear seemed realized when I looked inside the envelope I'd just slit open to find a little tube with yellowish crystals inside. But it turned out to be a home alcohol breath test that I just had to try out for you, the home viewer.

STEP 1

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1:30 p.m.: I went over to the table in front of the Mexican-in-Chief's office and grabbed two previously opened bottles of booze, because we are under strict orders to only sample those that have not yet been opened. My choices: Bacardi 151 and Karma Tequilia (100% agave). I've had a soft spot for 151 since the first time a buddy in college dipped the stump he had left for a thumb in a shot glass, lit it on fire and put the burning stump next to his maniacal grin.

STEP 2

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1: 32 p.m.: Sadly, there was only a half shot of 151 left but enough for a full shot of the tequilia. The instructions supplied by Imperial Beach-based Mission Breath Test distributor Derek Morton indicated I was to wait 15 minutes after boozing or drink a glass of water. I downed one of the free 16-ounce samples of Skinny Water (Acai Grape Blueberry Hi-Energy) in the office, which actually took about 15 minutes to do anyway.

STEP 3

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1:47 p.m.: As instructed, I squeezed the middle of the Breath Alcohol Detector tube to break the inner glass capsule, which released the crystals.

STEP 4

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1:47:32: I took a deep breath and, despite my seasonal bronchitis, managed to blow a complete 12 seconds into the tube without coughing up a lung (surprising myself). As instructed, I shook the tube gently to evenly distribute the crystals and waited two minutes for the results, which follow on the next page ...


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