Taking the Home Booze Breath Test Sent to the Weekly Newsroom, So You Don't Have To

Categories: DUI-yi-yi

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Although everyone simply adores all of us at the Weekly, you do get the notion while opening a package addressed only to "the newsroom" that there could be anthrax inside.

This fear seemed realized when I looked inside the envelope I'd just slit open to find a little tube with yellowish crystals inside. But it turned out to be a home alcohol breath test that I just had to try out for you, the home viewer.

STEP 1

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1:30 p.m.: I went over to the table in front of the Mexican-in-Chief's office and grabbed two previously opened bottles of booze, because we are under strict orders to only sample those that have not yet been opened. My choices: Bacardi 151 and Karma Tequilia (100% agave). I've had a soft spot for 151 since the first time a buddy in college dipped the stump he had left for a thumb in a shot glass, lit it on fire and put the burning stump next to his maniacal grin.

STEP 2

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1: 32 p.m.: Sadly, there was only a half shot of 151 left but enough for a full shot of the tequilia. The instructions supplied by Imperial Beach-based Mission Breath Test distributor Derek Morton indicated I was to wait 15 minutes after boozing or drink a glass of water. I downed one of the free 16-ounce samples of Skinny Water (Acai Grape Blueberry Hi-Energy) in the office, which actually took about 15 minutes to do anyway.

STEP 3

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1:47 p.m.: As instructed, I squeezed the middle of the Breath Alcohol Detector tube to break the inner glass capsule, which released the crystals.

STEP 4

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1:47:32: I took a deep breath and, despite my seasonal bronchitis, managed to blow a complete 12 seconds into the tube without coughing up a lung (surprising myself). As instructed, I shook the tube gently to evenly distribute the crystals and waited two minutes for the results, which follow on the next page ...


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5 comments
paullucas714
paullucas714 topcommenter

I will never get those 5 minutes of my life back. :o(

dale_c
dale_c

Maybe you guys should be having the janitorial staff over there blow into these every day prior to leaving for the day?

20ftjesus
20ftjesus topcommenter

Too bad Schou didn't stop by with a dime bag.  Coulda been a parhtay. 

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