Ten OC Guys You've Probably Dated

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Photo by LP Hastings, from the immortal DTF Series
Stay classy, OC gents!
Last week, we brought you a list detailing the 10 types of girls OC men have probably dated in their life, classic archetypes ranging from the Christian to the Mexican to--of course--the MILF. Of course, sensitive types got on our case, castigating us for stereotyping our gals as such and deeming us sexist. Well, don't worry, ladies: you've got your revenge here with 10 OC guys YOU'VE probably dated.

I feel bad for my gal pals; while your kind is legendary nationwide for your beauty, us guys aren't exactly the best collection of men--more This is the End than Ocean's 11. We're no bottom-of-the-barrel 909ers, but we ain't exactly choni-melters. No subcategory of George Clooney exist 'round here save for our surfers--and they always go with the beach goddess. So on behalf of OC's guys, gals, I apologize. But, hey: at least we're not LA douchebags...and now, onward!

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10. The Conservative

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Legendary photo by Jack Gould
Every conservative guy's hero, which only shows what an idiot said conservative is

Always dresses sharp, always desires and spends money, always volunteers for the Orange County GOP, always a smug douche. Thinks Obama is the devil, illegal immigrants are ruining this country, and Reagan is god. Takes you to Newport or Laguna for a date, with the occasional SanTana stroll just to show he's hip. Usually in the closet. Unless the woman herself is conservative, you'll dump the guy after he becomes insufferable--which will take a couple of dates. Has no feelings whatsoever.

9. The Musician

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Photo by John Gilhooley
For once, a caption eludes us for this emo master...

You get with this guy because the prospect of going out with the next Mike Ness or Tony Kanal is exciting--and besides, you'll be on the guest list at all the shows, plus be able to get into concerts that matter due to your beloved's connections. But reality sets in fast: the grind of serving as your guy's impromptu stagehand from backyard shows to shitty South County clubs to opening acts at the Coach House to maybe getting a slot at an all-day festival at the Observatory or the House of Blues in eight years to gigging anywhere and everywhere possible during OC Music Awards season. The absolute lack of money at all time--and when there is money, it gets dumped into the next bad YouTube video. Then he takes off on tour, and you're left to ponder whether all those Instagrams of him with fans are pre- or post-coital. The tipping point comes when you have to call your mom's AAA for the umpteenth time when his band's van fails to start off I-10 outside Quartzsite. Lives for NAMM.

8. The Pocho

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Photo by LP Hastings
OC pochos: Classy like Freddy Blassie

Unlike our men, who'll date any type of Mexican woman as long as she's spicy, OC's ladies will only date one type: the pocho, otherwise known as an assimilated Mexican. Maybe our girls might slum it with the occasional cholo or even try a wab just for the hell of it, but they usually love the pocho the most. After all, his English is impeccable, he's only Mexican when you ask him to pillow talk en español or you're ordering tacos somewhere, and his name is easy on your tongue: Will instead of Guillermo, Joe instead of Joaquín, and so much more. But it doesn't matter: when you take him home to meet your family, they'll still think of him as an illegal-alien savage no matter what UCLA degree he earned--wait, did I just think out loud about my former Vietnamese girlfriend's family? I did!

Key exception: if you're a Mexican girl, you'll date every type of Mexican hombre in the vain hope of finding one that's not macho yet not a pussy or a mami's boy, an ideal as preposterous as democracy ever taking hold in Mexico.


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