Ten OC Guys You've Probably Dated

guys_fullerton_downtown.jpg
Photo by LP Hastings, from the immortal DTF Series
Stay classy, OC gents!
Last week, we brought you a list detailing the 10 types of girls OC men have probably dated in their life, classic archetypes ranging from the Christian to the Mexican to--of course--the MILF. Of course, sensitive types got on our case, castigating us for stereotyping our gals as such and deeming us sexist. Well, don't worry, ladies: you've got your revenge here with 10 OC guys YOU'VE probably dated.

I feel bad for my gal pals; while your kind is legendary nationwide for your beauty, us guys aren't exactly the best collection of men--more This is the End than Ocean's 11. We're no bottom-of-the-barrel 909ers, but we ain't exactly choni-melters. No subcategory of George Clooney exist 'round here save for our surfers--and they always go with the beach goddess. So on behalf of OC's guys, gals, I apologize. But, hey: at least we're not LA douchebags...and now, onward!

See also:

10. The Conservative

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Legendary photo by Jack Gould
Every conservative guy's hero, which only shows what an idiot said conservative is

Always dresses sharp, always desires and spends money, always volunteers for the Orange County GOP, always a smug douche. Thinks Obama is the devil, illegal immigrants are ruining this country, and Reagan is god. Takes you to Newport or Laguna for a date, with the occasional SanTana stroll just to show he's hip. Usually in the closet. Unless the woman herself is conservative, you'll dump the guy after he becomes insufferable--which will take a couple of dates. Has no feelings whatsoever.

9. The Musician

musician_gilhooley.jpg
Photo by John Gilhooley
For once, a caption eludes us for this emo master...

You get with this guy because the prospect of going out with the next Mike Ness or Tony Kanal is exciting--and besides, you'll be on the guest list at all the shows, plus be able to get into concerts that matter due to your beloved's connections. But reality sets in fast: the grind of serving as your guy's impromptu stagehand from backyard shows to shitty South County clubs to opening acts at the Coach House to maybe getting a slot at an all-day festival at the Observatory or the House of Blues in eight years to gigging anywhere and everywhere possible during OC Music Awards season. The absolute lack of money at all time--and when there is money, it gets dumped into the next bad YouTube video. Then he takes off on tour, and you're left to ponder whether all those Instagrams of him with fans are pre- or post-coital. The tipping point comes when you have to call your mom's AAA for the umpteenth time when his band's van fails to start off I-10 outside Quartzsite. Lives for NAMM.

8. The Pocho

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Photo by LP Hastings
OC pochos: Classy like Freddy Blassie

Unlike our men, who'll date any type of Mexican woman as long as she's spicy, OC's ladies will only date one type: the pocho, otherwise known as an assimilated Mexican. Maybe our girls might slum it with the occasional cholo or even try a wab just for the hell of it, but they usually love the pocho the most. After all, his English is impeccable, he's only Mexican when you ask him to pillow talk en español or you're ordering tacos somewhere, and his name is easy on your tongue: Will instead of Guillermo, Joe instead of Joaquín, and so much more. But it doesn't matter: when you take him home to meet your family, they'll still think of him as an illegal-alien savage no matter what UCLA degree he earned--wait, did I just think out loud about my former Vietnamese girlfriend's family? I did!

Key exception: if you're a Mexican girl, you'll date every type of Mexican hombre in the vain hope of finding one that's not macho yet not a pussy or a mami's boy, an ideal as preposterous as democracy ever taking hold in Mexico.

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37 comments
cynthia.curran8
cynthia.curran8

In reality only 10 percent of the population surfs, the surfer culture is really exaggerated and many are white males now over 40. in fact more folks are into low riders than surfing under 18. In high school Latinos 47 percent and white kids only 31 percent and Asians 18 percent.

xcrunner088
xcrunner088

This article was pure genius. I was really expecting the bro to be number one!

ICregular
ICregular

Mexican bros blast Pearl Jam? lol 

DaniGirl949
DaniGirl949

This sounds like a page out of "Diary of Dating"..................

Guss Aguilar
Guss Aguilar

OC WEEKLY since you got a guy to write both the OC men and women articles which were hilarious, now get a WOMAN'S point of view

Ann Edwards
Ann Edwards

I can't wait to move from California

stealthrubin
stealthrubin

Sooo dead on. Thanks for making me laugh out loud. At work no less. Gotta go and share it now.

CynthiaG3
CynthiaG3

I love that the Pocho picture is of the De La Vega idiots.. Besides the point you neglected to add the wanna be DJ and the GYM Rat

Kelly Cooper
Kelly Cooper

What.?!?!?! Orange County and not even ONE mention of the Surfer/Skaters? OR ALL Surf/Skate industry dudes? I'm sorry, but everyone know someone,that knows someone that can hook them up on Vans, get them into the Skate video premiere, or get them in to the Quik Friends and Family sale..come on.. clearly this was written by a guy. haha!

Calamitas Monstrum
Calamitas Monstrum

I feel like this is written by a dude for white chicks. I realize that's the oc demographic, but... A girl in a bikini on my dreamy dudes list? No Xtreme sports guy, or beer snob, or that guy who streaked through the Angels game? How come all these guys are gross? The girls list was all hot babes. OC has great, hot, bearded, intelligent men! I'm offended on behalf of the Orange County Rad Dudes Association. OC Weekly, you are the guy who thinks he's in the friendzone for being too nice, when in fact you are in the friendzone because you think your niceness entitles you to my goodies.

Kelly188
Kelly188

What.?!?!?!  Orange County and not even ONE mention of the Surfer/Skaters? OR ALL Surf/Skate industry dudes? I'm sorry, but everyone know someone,that knows someone that can hook them up on Vans, get them into the Skate video premiere,  or get them in to the Quik Friends and  Family sale..come on.. clearly this was written by a guy. haha!

Andrew Nava
Andrew Nava

oh my god....i think i fall into 2-3 of those catagories 0_0 fml

Linda Josey
Linda Josey

I think you left off the bartender who is working towards something else. At least they're good listeners!

JBinOC
JBinOC topcommenter

"...and you're left to ponder whether all those Instagrams of him with fans are pre- or post-coital"


"...he's only Mexican when you ask him to pillow talk en español or you're ordering tacos somewhere"


"...is now into e-cigs"


"...so he has to re-up the lease"


"Persian bros come from Mission Viejo and Irvine and prefer spiked hair"

And the best one of all:
"...Asian bros...Yelping like a madman"


LOL x6

949girl
949girl topcommenter

Ok, this one hits more to home than the Ten OC Girls and I have to say it is pretty spot on.  The only two I can say I haven't dated are #4 The Hipster Christian and especially not #2 The Bro.   I've had some of these combined though, such as #9 and #5 but it was probably the weed that made him think he was a musician and #3 the Almost Executive with # 8 the Pocho.  Also, #1 the Guy Not from OC and since he wasn't from OC the things that brought him out here were a big combination of things.  I think a Surfer Type guy should be added to the list but there are only 10 positions lol!

JBinOC
JBinOC topcommenter

I thought Ten OC Girls You've Probably Dated couldn't be topped, but this is exceptionally funny...and 100% true.  

Everyone will have a personal favorite, and mine might be #3, The Almost Executive, who will always be a [*average*] real estate agent or ad guy in reality, but a revered, one-of-a-kind, entrepreneurial senior-level manager (who volunteers and donates to his own charitable foundation) in his own mirror 

LPHastings
LPHastings

@Calamitas Monstrum "hot, bearded" Haha!

JBinOC
JBinOC topcommenter

@949girl  

"#3 the Almost Executive with # 8 the Pocho"

LOL!!  So true!!  

 

949girl
949girl topcommenter

@JBinOC @949girl   That combo isn't so bad actually.  I think the Hipster Christian should have been the Hipster Atheist instead or maybe I don't go to church to notice these guys.  Also, there should have been some mention of Persians and the guys who take the shirtless selfies in the bathroom.  I think this list could be expanded to at least the Top 25 guys in OC...

OCreader
OCreader

@949girl @JBinOC Def needs to be re-written by a woman with the top 25. Someone needs to do it!

There are several combinations of the above mentioned that would make for an entertaining piece, as well as the many OC dudes that got kicked to the curb by the author. Would love to see more!

GustavoArellano
GustavoArellano moderator editortopcommenter

@949girl @JBinOC Ah, but we did mention the Persian bro! And I think all other Persian men fall under the Almost Exec...

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