Your Chris Kluwe OC Weekly Cover Story Extra Credit Reading Assignment

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Andy Mannix's excellent cover story on Chris Kluwe, the pride of Los Alamitos High School, shows how a Minnesota Vikings punter managed to eclipse his NFL career by becoming perhaps the nation's leading straight proponent for marriage equality. The story mentions a video Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo recorded for Marylanders for Marriage Equality, Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr.'s disapproving letter sent to the Ravens owner and Kluwe's hilarious, enlightening and inspiring open letter to Burns--all of which follow after the jump . . .

See also:

Chris Kluwe's Game Changer: The Los Al High grad and Minnesota Vikings punter is prying open America's last closet: major-league sports
Muffin Spencer-Devlin Is the Best Lesbian, Manic-Depressive, Glass-Blowing Golfer of Them All
An Incomplete History of Gay & Lesbian OC

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Chris Kluwe photos by Tony Nelson/OC Weekly
Here is a transcript of Ayanbadejo's video message:

I believe we should be doing everything we can to make Maryland families stronger, which is why I support marriage for gay and lesbian couples who want to make a lifetime commitment to each other.

Here is the reaction that brought from Burns, in his letter to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti:

I find it inconceivable that one of your players, Mr. Brendon Ayanbadejo, would publicly endorse same-sex marriage, specifically as a Raven Football player. Many of my constituents and your football supporters are appalled and aghast that a member of the Ravens football team would step into this controversial divide and try to sway public opinion one way or the other.

Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment and excitement. I believe Mr. Ayanbadejo should concentrate on football and steer clear of dividing the fan base.

I am requesting that you take the necessary action, as a National Football League owner, to inhibit such expressions from your employees and that he be ordered to cease and desist such injurious actions. I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing.

As we're checking to see if Burns, who is African American, sent a similar letter to the Cleveland Browns back in the days running back Jim Brown was taking part in civil rights marches, please read the cherry on top of all this, Kluwe's open letter posted by Deadspin:

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland's state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should "inhibit such expressions from your employees," more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person's right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" bit.

2. "Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement." Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who's "deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland"? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you're going to say that political views have "no place in a sport"? I can't even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for "beautiful oppressionism").

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you'll start thinking about penis? "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won't come into your house and steal your children. They won't magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won't even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population--rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I'm fairly certain you might need it.

Sincerely,
Chris Kluwe

P.S. I've also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your "I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing" and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

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3 comments
Mitchell_Young
Mitchell_Young

". They won't even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population--rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. "

 

LOL. Exactly where do these children come from? I'm here to tell you, mixing your jizz with fecal matter doesn't produce a child. Neither does fuzz bumping or fisting.

 

If there are homosexuals with kids it means either (1) they were once able to do the normal deed, which casts doubt on the whole 'this is me, its inbred' meme or (2) they went out of their way to make a child (involving genetic material from someone else. Sorry dude, but if you went out of your way to get a child, that really isn't yours. you can take care of it without getting tax breaks.

kuewa
kuewa

"Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" OMG LOL !!! Mr. Kluwe, you are are a vicious yet comic genius!

JackGrimshaw
JackGrimshaw

Awesome! "Narcissistic fromunda stain?" (Urban Dictionary: The residue and/or mud-like substance found in, under, and around the male genitalia as a result of neglect and uncleanliness." From unda  ... get it?) El Jefe - can we hire this guy?

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