John Stossel's Stache Tickles Nixon Library

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John Stossel's mustache is coming to the Richard Nixon Library April 23. The flavor saver should feel at home at a joint dedicated to another relic of the '70s--unless, of course, it first stops on the way to Yorba Linda at a fire station or porn set.

The soup strainer is attached to the face of the Fox Business Channel's Stossel host, who will be in Orange County spreading a very important message: government can't solve problems.

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That's the thrust of the book he'll be hawking, No They Can't: Why Government Fails--But Individuals Succeed.

"Stossel outlines what he feels are the fallacies and facts of the most pressing issues of today's social and political climate," reads an announcement from the partisan foundation dedicated to the memory of Tricky Dickie, an individual who ultimately failed while leading a government.

I'd tell you when the Stossel hoe-down is and how much it costs, but then I'd have to look it up. Help! Is there no government program that can do that task for me?

Ah, hell, the lecture begins at 3:30 p.m. and Stossel autographs books purchased there afterward. Your $29 purchase (which includes that demon government tax) gets you a ticket to the talk. Otherwise, it's $10 for members, $12 for pinkos, I mean, non-members. Go HERE to order.

If I'd let the flippin' gubment tell you that, it would have cost $341.28 an hour--and you would have been mistakenly sent to a natural history lecture on the mating habits of the caterpillar. Come to think of it, if you look above Stossel's top lip . . .

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