Herman Cain Loses American Mustache Institute Endorsement Amid Damning Allegations
No, it's much more serious than that.
The nonprofit charity is instead pointing to its own damning allegations.
With tongue firmly planted in follicled-undercarriage cheek, St. Louis, Missouri-based AMI has found "that Cain's mustache is not real, but actually a theater quality upper lip garment, and not the labia sebucula (Latin for 'lip sweater') he claims to have worn since his early 20s."
"Do you understand what 'piled so high with beef, pepperoni, sausage, ham and bacon bits that there's no room for any veggies' really means?" asks the group in reference to the All Meat Combo product description. "Cain clearly does not."
That led the American Mustache Institute down a trail of deceit that ended right above Cain's top lip. "The evidence continues to mount that his mustache is a fraud," claims Dr. Abraham Jonas Froman, AMI's CEO, in a statement released this morning to a sneering press.
This pains AMI because had Cain won the White House, he would have been the first mustached American president of the United States since William Howard Taft left office in 1913. (Bess Truman's mustache does not count.)
We're still waiting for the news conference where the candidate reads his prepared statement saying the accusations are baseless, only he'll have crossed out "a half dozen chicks" and written in "shady mouth shading advocates."