Are Three Would-Be Losers in Fullerton the Greatest Pickup Artists of All Time?

Categories: OC Media
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Are three average-looking twentysomethings named Jason, Jesse and Kong, who live in a dumpy apartment complex behind an alley in what they call "the asshole of Orange County" (Fullerton), the greatest pickup artists of all time?

The no-last-names-given trio stars in the YouTube channel Simple Pickup, which is devoted to hooking up with girls.

The simple guys' simple pickup lines work splendidly, at least according to anecdotal evidence.

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Peter Lu's bros sent him links to Simple Pickup videos, and he was hooked. Lu discovered that in 16 Simple Pickup clips, the three amigos collected 125 phone numbers from women they did not know and were randomly approached on Southern California streets.

By the way, according to Lu's reporting in Salon, those 16 videos have received 7.3 million page views on YouTube, including one titled Internet Trolls Pick Up Girls that reached the 1 million views benchmark. The videos have also received more than 38,000 viewer comments.

And so, how could Lu not put the Simple Pickup game plan into practice? He writes that he did so at a summer concert with friends. Looking at a Russian girl with beautiful gray eyes sitting across from him, he told her, "Staring contest, let's go." He reports: "The words had simply appeared in my mouth. I won the staring contest. Even better, I left with her number."

You get a sense from Lu's piece that he went into this as generic in appearance as his three senseis: "Kong is 6 feet tall, with coarse black hair and broad shoulders; Jesse is a scrawny Indian-American with a toupee haircut, who likes pulpy orange juice and screenwriting; Jason is Caucasian, but with a Hispanic tinge, and has two nicknames, either 'The Pudgy One' or 'JDGAF' (Jason Doesn't Give a F*)."

The three would-be losers use humor, confidence and brashness to win over the ladies. They claim their looks don't matter. Here is a typical exchange Lu shares:

Kong: "I am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be."

Unidentified girl: "Can you back that up?"

Kong: "Eventually."


"We get numbers from 50 percent of all girls we approach on college campuses," Kong reportedly tells Lu later. "It's 50 percent at Huntington Beach too, and 30 percent at Venice."

"But that's because the girls there are a little drunk," Jesse chimes in.

Click on the Salon link above for Lu's full, breezy piece. Meanwhile, here are my five favorite opening lines mentioned in the Simple Pickup post:

  • "I saw your facial symmetry, and I was like, I need to speak with her."

  • "Do you know where the nearest Marie Callender's is?"

  • "If you make fun of me one more time, I'm going to take my wand and stick it right up your Diagon Alley." (Writer's note--OK, I had to look this one up; it's from Harry Potter.)

  • "You're like all about piercings, you have one here, one here, one here, obviously your nipples."

  • "[Talking to you] is a nice change from jerking off in my mom's basement."
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6 comments
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FishWithoutBicycle
FishWithoutBicycle

Now I got that damn "Haddaway" song in my head...arrgh!

mitch young
mitch young

Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me ...no more...

909Jeff
909Jeff

C'mon coker... I read this whole thing and the only thing that stands out is that you called Fullerton the asshole of orange county!  That distinction has got to go to Stanton or La Palma. What about Cypress or guadalahabra?  

Matthew T. Coker
Matthew T. Coker

Actually, 909J, I can't take credit for even that as the quotes around the phrase are meant to indicate that's how the Simple Pickup guys refer to their town. That makes this post is a total fail for you. Look for your refund in the mail.

Matthew T. Coker
Matthew T. Coker

Remove the "is" from the second sentence above, please.

909Jeff
909Jeff

I apologize for not noticing that... FISH! DAMN YOU! All afternoon with that song now! 

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