seasonal The Nightmare Before Christmas
overhaul of the Haunted Mansion
is complete (the attraction reopens today after a 17-day closure), thus kicking off the park's Halloween-themed festivities.
Of course, the official
launch of the park's Halloween-ness is September 30th which is when Mickey's Halloween Party
begins, but this is kind of their "soft" start of all things spooky.
The Haunted Mansion is my favorite ride in the park and, I have to admit, over time I have come to love both
versions of the ride equally. What I don't
love is the horrible 2003 live-action film of the same name.
So why not give the film the same facelift treatment that the ride gets? After the jump, check out five refurbishments that The Haunted Mansion
could use to make it good. Okay, not good
, but definitely better... ish.
When it comes to live-action films, Disney has a lot in common with Saturday Night Live
: every once in awhile they hit a grand slam (Pirates of the Caribbean
or Wayne's World
), but more often than not they're caught swinging at home plate (The Country Bears
or A Night at the Roxbury
2003's The Haunted Mansion
never even got called up from the minor leagues.
Listed here are five refurbishments they should take into consideration when they inevitably digitally change the entire movie (à la that greedy rat bastard George Lucas
) for its upcoming ten-year anniversary Blu-ray release.1. Take out Eddie Murphy
Literally, put anyone else
in his place. Eddie Money
? Fine. Eddie from Iron Maiden
? Brilliant! Murphy Brown
? You're going for a different angle there but I'm down with it. Murphy Oil Soap
? Even better. Anyone/thing is better than Eddie Murphy. The man hasn't been funny since 1999's Bowfinger
. I mean, he's hosting the Oscars this year for Christ's sake, and we all know that's usually the last thing an actor does right before he/she dies. Remember when Billy Crystal died the day after hosting the Oscars in 2004? Exactly.
2. Let David Lynch re-edit it
Sure, it won't make any sense. And yes, there will be dancing midgets, more nudity than a hardcore porno, and absolutely no continuity whatsoever. But it will be creepy as fuck. Can you imagine Wallace Shawn
speaking backwards? Elbaviecnocni! (High-five if you got that!)
3. Add a musical number/dance scene
The guys will hate it, but everyone already hates it so who gives a shit? Women will love it, kids will buy the soundtrack, and twenty years from now they'll take that one popular song and turn the entire thing into a Broadway musical! Franchise, baby! Franchise!4. Replace Jennifer Tilly's character with the character she played in Bound
Sure, you're going to lose your PG rating but, believe me, it will be worth tit. I mean, it
5. Replace it entirely with The Nightmare Before Christmas
Take a cue from the ride. Every copy of The Haunted Mansion
should be dubbed over with Tim Burton/Henry Selick's The Nightmare Before Christmas
. All but one copy, actually. I'll hold onto it and make sure that it never gets into the hands of another innocent movie watcher ever again. Or, more likely, I'll sell it on eBay the day after the Oscars.