Disney Develops "Avatar" Theme Park Attractions

Categories: Dishney
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You: "Uhhh... what?"

Me: "Exactly."

Disney announced plans today to develop numerous theme park attractions inspired by James Cameron's 2009 film Avatar.

I know, I don't get it either.

Check out details after the jump, then read on as I list the Top Five Overrated Movies That Disney Could Adapt Into Overrated Attractions. Dig it!

Disney CEO Bob Iger
announced today that Disney has licensed the exclusive global rights to Avatar, and that James Cameron himself will have a hand in developing the attractions. The first attraction will be located in Animal Kingdom at Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando. The attraction will reportedly allow visitors to "enter the Avatar universe and explore it first hand."

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Walt Disney Parks and Resorts Chairman Tom Staggs stated the project is in the development phase, and that the attraction would include Avatar-themed shops and food destinations. Construction is expected to begin in 2013.

With Cameron's two upcoming Avatar sequels planned for release around Christmas 2014 and 2015, it would appear as if Disney hopes to unveil the new attractions around the same time.

Now, with all of that news out of the way, let me offer a commentary: Barf.

I've admittedly only seen about five minutes of Avatar while flipping through channels--and I know I'm probably one of only fourteen people on Earth who haven't seen it in its entirety--but I really don't understand the infatuation. From what little I've seen, it doesn't look that much more impressive than that shitty Final Fantasy movie they released back in 2001.

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But hey, ten years ago, Disney had a Who Wants to be a Millionaire? attraction, so whatever. They don't still have that, do they? God, I hope not.

Anyway, I've gone ahead and listed the Top Five Overrated Movies That Disney Could Adapt Into Overrated Attractions. Hopefully none of these will ever come true. Fingers crossed.

5. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

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Whiz past racially-stereotyped robot aliens and John Turturro on this roller coaster thrill ride! Of course, with a top speed of nearly 300 miles per hour you'll have no fucking clue what's really going on around you, but who needs clarity and storyline when you've got explosions and CG! And Shia!

4. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace


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Nerds will wait in line for sixteen years for the chance to ride it, only to have their hopes and dreams crushed when they realize that it's just a watered-down and laughable version of the three rides that preceded it. Still, destroyed childhoods or not, they'll swear up and down that it's just as good as the originals as they continue to shell out oodles and oodles of cash in merchandise.

3. E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial

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Pedal a bike as fast as you can while a creepy little alien rides along in your basket! You better be fast though or the feds (or whoever they are) will capture your little alien buddy and conduct some freaky experiments on him. Or at least that's what I assume happens in the movie because I've never made it through the first half hour without falling asleep.

2. Titanic

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Based on another James Cameron classic, this boat ride will leave you guessing all the way to the end! Just kidding. You hit an iceberg, sink, and die. The end. Roll the tears.

1. Avatar

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Yeah... enough said.

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7 comments
FishWithoutBicycle
FishWithoutBicycle

The plot of Avatar reminds me a lot of a book written by Frank Herbert 30+ years called "The Jesus Incident" (my geek is showing). My point? It really irks me sometimes how Cameron is lauded as some kind of visionary who will continue to make money off a movie that was, as my friend so succinctly put it, "'Fern Gully' without the bat!"

"Barf" is an understatement...:-)

Hunterwoo
Hunterwoo

Roll the tears....hahahah...sweet.

Dori Zori
Dori Zori

Justin, You know there IS an E.T. ride just that that already, right? Also, I can't believe you never saw this movie as a child. What's up with that, Betty?

909Jeff
909Jeff

Be careful what you say about cameron... I'm sure when Skynet actually does become self aware it will attack the cameron haters first!

Shady
Shady

HA! "Barf is an Understatement" is the name of my new punk band!

Shady
Shady

There is?!? Where?!?

Also, my parents did take me to see "E.T." as a child. It was my first drive-in movie. I fell asleep about fifteen minutes in.

Dori Zori
Dori Zori

Wow...well...it was there in the 80's. I'm pretty sure it was at Universal Studios. You gave the attendant your name which was typed into some kind of computer before you got on your bicycle..which took you through the story of E.T. At the end of the ride, E.T. said your name and thanked you for getting him home. It made my Grandma cry each time. Priceless.

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