5 Churches That Should Buy Crystal Cathedral

Would you buy a church from these guys?

​Drowning in debt, Robert Schuller's Crystal Cathedral is reportedly being put up for sale.

The American Independent surmises the mega-church's dire financial straits demonstrate conservatism is on the wane behind the Orange Curtain.

But rather than wallow in what used to be, we ought to be celebrating our future spiritual possibilities.

Consider these five churches that could takeover Crystal Cathedral, break out the Windex, rub the joint clean like it's a giant genie bottle, add a couple vintage blinking neon signs and unveil the type of palace of peity we can all be proud of again. Even those endangered conservatives:

​1) The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
What they'd do to it: put that ubiquitous gold bugler on top.
New name: The Los Angeles Mormon Tabernacle Crystal Cathedral Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints of Anaheim-Adjacent.
Motto: "I see London, I see France, I see through your crystal-colored magic underpants."

​2) The Church of Scientology
What they'd do to it: install a stop for their secret underground monorail between Hollywood and the L. Ron Hemet HQ.
New name: Crystal Cruise-thedral.
Motto: "Making you crystal clear."