David Sedaris Top 10 Before Chapman Gig
Categories: School Daze
David Sedaris reads from Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk and his other works Wednesday night in Chapman University's Memorial Hall.
In honor of the essayist/humorist/half (with sister Amy Sedaris) of "The Talent Family" appearing in Orange County, we present the top 10 one-liners and more-than-one-liners from some of David Sedaris' books (which have sold 7 million copies and counting worldwide) . . .
"Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat."
--Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
"I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out."
--Naked
"If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."
--Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays
"All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints."
--Holidays on Ice
"Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren't."
--When You Are Engulfed in Flames
"On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From the dog owners I learned 'Lie down,' 'Shut up,' and 'Who shit on this carpet?' The couple across the road taught me to ask questions correctly, and the grocer taught me to count. Things began to come together, and I went from speaking like an evil baby to speaking like a hillbilly. 'Is thems the thoughts of cows?' I'd ask the butcher, pointing to the calves' brains displayed in the front window. 'I want me some lamb chop with handles on 'em.'"
--Me Talk Pretty One Day
"We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail."
--Naked
"The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you're a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence."
--Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
"It's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure 60 by 80 inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!"
--Me Talk Pretty One Day
"For the first 20 years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I'd squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told that this is not called 'going to sleep' but rather 'passing out,' a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment."
--Me Talk Pretty One Day
David Sedaris appears as part of Chapman University's Distinguished Writers Series at 8 p.m. Wedneday in Memorial Hall, One University Drive, Orange, 714.997,6589. $40 for tickets, which can be purchased at chapman.edu/sedaris. $3 for parking.
In honor of the essayist/humorist/half (with sister Amy Sedaris) of "The Talent Family" appearing in Orange County, we present the top 10 one-liners and more-than-one-liners from some of David Sedaris' books (which have sold 7 million copies and counting worldwide) . . .
"Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat."
--Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
"I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out."
--Naked
"If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."
--Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays
"All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints."
--Holidays on Ice
"Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren't."
--When You Are Engulfed in Flames
"On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From the dog owners I learned 'Lie down,' 'Shut up,' and 'Who shit on this carpet?' The couple across the road taught me to ask questions correctly, and the grocer taught me to count. Things began to come together, and I went from speaking like an evil baby to speaking like a hillbilly. 'Is thems the thoughts of cows?' I'd ask the butcher, pointing to the calves' brains displayed in the front window. 'I want me some lamb chop with handles on 'em.'"
--Me Talk Pretty One Day
"We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail."
--Naked
"The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you're a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence."
--Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
"It's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure 60 by 80 inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!"
--Me Talk Pretty One Day
"For the first 20 years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I'd squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told that this is not called 'going to sleep' but rather 'passing out,' a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment."
--Me Talk Pretty One Day
David Sedaris appears as part of Chapman University's Distinguished Writers Series at 8 p.m. Wedneday in Memorial Hall, One University Drive, Orange, 714.997,6589. $40 for tickets, which can be purchased at chapman.edu/sedaris. $3 for parking.
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