[UPDATED:] Today's Important Unimportant Election, From My TV Screen to Your Computer/Phone Screen

​11:15 p.m.: Don't be surprised if KOCE is accused of turning over its election coverage to that rare Orange County bird known as the "Democrat." The "live, election night edition of Real Orange" came from the Artists Village in Santa Ana, OC's version of Havana. Their election expert was the Voice of OC's Norberto Santana (both names end in vowels!). And, mostly, there was the way the host of the county Democratic election party--county Democratic Party chairman Frank Barbaro (shown here), set the tone.


11:16 p.m. No matter how hard KOCE reporter David Nazar tried to bring him back to reality, Barbaro said things like: Loretta Sanchez will win in a cakewalk in November; Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina are "weak" candidates ("Our polling shows Jerry Brown beats everyone. . . . Meg Whitman can spend as much as she wants."); and pissed-off voters will eventually learn that Republicans put us in the mess we're in, not Democrats. Barbaro even pulled a royal OC Weekly, calling the teabaggers "teabaggers."

11:14 p.m.: Ed Arnold just did it again! Kang is the Irvine mayor, newsboy!

11:05​ p.m.: To be clear, the fellow on the right (waaay right) getting creamed by Sheriff Sandra Hutchens in early voting is Bill Hunt, not Democratic strategist Bill Carrick. As Carrick and former GOP legislative hack Jim Brulte were handicapping election results on KABC/Channel 7 a few minutes ago, the ID under Carrick read "Bill Hunt, Orange County Sheriff candidate." Oopsie.

11:01 p.m: Over at KOCE, anchor Ed Arnold referred to Steven Choi, who was leading in early voting for the GOP nod in the 70th Assembly District race, as Irvine's mayor. No, Ed, that would be Sukhee Kang. Choi is a councilman. Insert your own line about anchormen becoming easily confused by humans from the same racial pool sharing similarities in appearance here.

Photo by Jack Gould

The Poiz in Irvine

​10:10 p.m.: When Steve Poizner was at the Irvine Hyatt in November 2008, he was spitting blood, criticizing conservatives for having lost their way in the national election that elevated a Kenyan to the White House and vowing to make things right when he the Poiz won the governor's mansion in Sacramento.  

But now, as Fox 11 shows, he is in Irvine again, giving his concession speech, saying how his campaign ensures that GOP primary winner Meg Whitman will carry conservative water against ex-Gov. Moonbeam.

Whatevs, Pinky, can you just please explain why the chick next to you looks like the spitting image of Beth Krom?

9:15 p.m.: The AP calls it again, this time saying Carly Fiorina will square off against U.S. Sen. Barbara Boxer in November. "Not a surprise, at least in California and other states, the year of the woman," Wolf Blitzer and his beard bellow on CNN.  

Of course, the reporter he throws it to mentions what will be bulletin board material for California voters: that Fiorina said people on the government's no-fly list should get guns. The fact that she was fired from Hewlitt Packard after having outsourced many California jobs should also come back to haunt Fiorina, notes liberal radio host Stephanie Miller.

"It should be Boxer in a walk." says Miller.

But tea partiers are sad tonight, according to conservative radio host Dana Loesh, because Chuckie DeVore lost.

8:59 p.m.: The AP calls it, via Rachel Maddow: with just 5 percent of the vote counted, Meg Whitman wins the GOP primary over Steve "But I Also Have No Penis" Poizner.

Carly "I Do Have a Penis" Fiorina is so far killing Campbell and DeVore (who are surprisingly close to one another--get a room, boys) for the chance to square off as the GOP challenger to incumbent Senate Democrat penis chopper Barbara Boxer in November.

She has a lot of money of her own and she has the support of Sarah Palin, says CNN of Fiorina. "It's really going to be two strong, fierce women going at each other here in the year of the woman in California," says some CNN chick.

8:50 p.m.: WOO-HOO! In the only race that really matters, the Los Angeles Lakers whoop ass on the Boston Celtics (at the Garden, or whatever the hell they call the new place) to take a 2-1 lead in the NBA Finals.

Of course, this blows the whole "no penis" theme of these erection, I mean, election posts because NBA players . . . well . . . you know . . .

8:31 p.m.: Hey, so maybe this is the election to have no penis. According to Rachel Maddow's show on MSNBC, with a whopping 4 percent of the vote counted, Meg Whitman leads Steve Poizner to be your next Cali GOP candidate for governor, 66 percent to 25 percent.

Of course, keep in mind this disclaimer: Poizner also has no penis.

8:02 p.m.: The polls have closed and, according to Fox News, this may be the election to have no penis. Well, the panel at "America's Election HQ" didn't exactly use those words, but they are reporting that Arkansas incumbent Sen. Blance Lincoln, who was thought to be in trouble against challenger Bill Halter, has handily won her runoff, while South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley apparently survived the slutty raghead talk, but just barely failed to break the 50% mark and will face Gresham Barrett in a June 22 runoff. Meanwhile, Sharron Angle and Sue Lowden are fighting it out with 13 percent of the GOP primary vote counted in Nevada to take on Sen. Harry Reid in the fall. Danny Tarkanian is a distant third.

Does this portend a night to be dickless in California's governor and U.S. Senate Republican primaries (and Orange County's sheriff's race)?

​1:15 p.m.: OC Weeklings will be dispersed throughout the county tonight collecting with their cameras, laptops and 'tudes the sights, stories and sores from the most unimportant statewide election of the month. Except for the county sheriff's race, which is pretty important. And a couple other races. And ballot propositions.

OK, so maybe it's not the most unimportant statewide election of the month. Which is probably why we are out there. Well, that and the free food.

KOCE

KOCE Real Orange anchors Ed Arnold and Ann Pulice.

​We'll be at Republican parties. We'll be at Democratic parties. We may even crash tea parties.

Clockwork will do what it always does Tuesday nights: plop itself in front of a TV, tears falling into his Modelo, wondering what the hell happened to his life. Only this time, instead of the Lifetime Channel, he'll be watching televised election coverage--and hopefully not writing in the third person by then.

Orange County's public television station, KOCE/Channel 50, has two stations on my dial: 50.1, which shows programming in high definition, and 50.2, the regular old non-HD flavor. While 50.1 ensures naps continue into the Sizzler early bird dining hour with The Big Band Years from 4:30 to 6:30 p.m., 50.2 gets the ballot ball rolling at 5 p.m. with a repeat airing of Rocco the Vote.

It's a 24-minute documentary about how Steve Rocco, of Heinz catsup theft fame, managed to make a mockery of democracy by getting elected a few years back to the Orange Unified School District Board of Trustees. Re-live Rocco's disruption of school board meetings, official censures and how this is all, as the Man of the Hour himself will tell you, part of a smear campaign by The Partnership.

Coverage of today's election on Huntington Beach-based KOCE's 50.1 includes the nightly Real Orange news program at 6:30 p.m. (and 7:30, 9:30, 10:30 and 11:30 p.m. on 50.2), and a special Election Coverage results show at 11 p.m.

We'll keep tabs on those and other news programs with OC results. And Lifetime, of course.