Is Mike Schroeder a bad lawyer? Or just a bad liar?

R. Scott Moxley recently announced Schroeder’s hackneyed effort to kneecap Huntington Beach Mayor Debbie Cook’s election challenge to Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R-Islamabad). It seems Schroeder took issue with Cook’s reference to herself on the ballot as “Mayor” because she was appointed by representatives. At the time, we had no idea just how hackneyed the effort was. In the marvelous words of the court document, prepared by Judges Rylaardsdam and Ikola:

The theory is that section 13107, subdivision (a)(1) of the Elections Code only allows reference to an “elective city ... office which the candidate holds at the time of filing the nomination documents.” (While we do not decide the issue now, we do observe that under this reading of the statute, the President of the United States, having been elected by the Electoral College or House of Representatives, would not qualify.) The theory was apparently to try to establish that the duties of a mayor in a major city in Orange County are ceremonial at best, so that Cook could not claim that being “mayor” was a principal profession, vocation or occupation under section 13107, subdivision (a)(3). That is a highly counterintuitive proposition at best, given that mayors of cities of the population of Huntington Beach typically are on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week to respond to major municipal emergencies, have independent powers of appointment, receive extra compensation, serve on regional commissions and are under a duty, often spared ordinary council members, of attendance at ceremonial functions.

Highly counterintuitive at best? Howsabout at worst? Why would such a skilled strategist as Schroeder, allegedly a Machiavellian mastermind pulling the strings behind the Orange Curtain of the OC Republican power structure, make such a boneheaded claim? Not only that, but why would he fail to PROPERLY make such a boneheaded claim? It turns out Secretary of State Debra Bowen is required to make such a call in Congressional primaries, and thus she is what’s known as an indispensible party and must be named in any such complaint.

She wasn’t. Should Schroeder have picked up on that fact? The court seems to think so.

Country Night, 6:30 p.m.
It's a shit kickin' hoedown. Yee haw!
TIA JUANA'S
14988 Sand Canyon Rd. Irvine, CA 92618
949-551-2998

Industry Night, 9 p.m.
Industrial strength.
Johnny's Saloon
17428 Beach Blvd. Huntington Beach, CA
714-848-0676

Posh Mondays, 9 p.m.
Becks will be served.
Lion's Den
719 W. 19th St. Costa Mesa, CA 92627
949-642-2243

S.I.N. Mondays, 10 p.m.
We think it stands for Stinky Internal Navel. Tough to wash. Uncomfortable mostly.
Fury
4221 Dolphin Striker Way Newport Beach, CA

Salsa Mondays, 8:30 p.m.
Goes well with Taco Tuesdays.
Sachi Bar
6400 E. Pacific Coast Hwy. Long Beach, CA
562-252-8434

This weekend found OCW's Le Receptionist, Leslie Agan, at the opening night of Phantom of The Opera at OCPAC. While our oh-so-fabulous Music Editor Dave Segal was at Kitsch Bar in Costa Mesa catching the diverse and excellent Steve "aDJective" Fisch.

As usual, Managing Editor Rich Kane spent Saturday tearing apart the OC Register and feeding the bits to his Reg-O-Meter. The results didn't come out too well (a.k.a. the machine broke).

Meanwhile, Clubs Editor Erin DeWitt and I caught the OC Music Awards on Saturday night and on Sunday Edwin Goei had a splendid time digesting avocado pizzas at Stonefire Grill in Irvine. Yummy.

Sometime in between, Gustavo Arellano went to Jason's in downtown SanTana to celebrate his retirement with Corsican calamari and an extra-spicy Bloody Mary and Luke Y. Thompson attended a film screening (he loves those darn things). He viewed the world premiere of AMHURST at the Huntington Library, to be precise. It's a horror movie from Huntington Beach director Rocky Costanzo and his company, LifeLine Entertainment. You can catch a full review of the film in an upcoming issue of the OC Weekly.

Yes, we know. Our weekends are just amazing. You may feel jealous now.

Before anyone asks what this has to do with Orange County, I'll tell you:

Headliner John Cena received his training right here in OC, at Rick Bassman's Ultimate Pro Wrestling.

and

Eight years ago, this year's co-headliner Triple H became the first ever "bad guy" to win the main event at WrestleMania...in Anaheim at what is now the Honda Center. WWE and OC have a history.

Results, as they happen:

-Kane won a battle royal to become number one contender for the ECW title.

-JBL defeated Finlay (with Hornswoggle) in a no-disqualification Belfast Brawl.

-C.M. Punk won the "Money in the Bank" ladder match that also featured Chris Jericho, Mr. Kennedy, MVP, Shelton Benjamin, and John Morrison. During the match, Matt Hardy made a surprise run-in that prevented MVP from winning.

-Batista beat Umaga

-Kane defeated Chavo Guerrero in less than a minute to become the new ECW champion. Good for Kane; he deserves a decent title run after all these years.

-Shawn Michaels pinned Ric Flair. Due to prematch stipulations, Ric Flair must now retire, and based on his recent interviews in the mainstream press, it seems this won't be just a gimmick. Odds are he'll still be around as a personality, but his in-ring career is done.

-"Glamazon" Beth Phoenix and Melina (with Santino Marella) defeated Ashley and Maria in a "Playboy Lumberjack Match." Snoop Dogg was the master of ceremonies for the match, and hit a clothesline on Santino afterwards. Santino and Jerry Lawler both got physically involved in the match.

-Randy Orton pinned John Cena -- in a triple threat match that also included Triple-H -- to retain the WWE championship.

-Floyd Mayweather beat The Big Show by knockout in a no-disqualification boxer-vs.-wrestler match, after hitting Show with a steel chair and brass knuckles.

-Undertaker defeated Edge by armbar submission to win the World Heavyweight Championship.

Pizza isn't something you'll see very often on this blog. Don't get me wrong. I eat plenty of it. But this is Orange County, not Chicago or New York. Pho, tacos, and ramen we got in spades -- just as good as those served in in Vietnam, Mexico and Japan, some might say. But pizza? So far, what I've found fits into the lowest common denominator. Most are harmless, serviceable at best, but for me, not worth writing about.

That is, until I saw a pizza topped with avocado. And I don't mean layered on top raw and after-the-fact a la California Pizza Kitchen. No, these were baked on the pie itself, along with the cheese and crust.

If you don't find this strange, consider this: The California Avocado Commission -- the marketing organization representing California's avocado growers -- has a recipe for California Avocado Pizza Pie that explicitly instructs the reader to leave out the avocado until the pizza is fully cooked.

Who would dare defy the CAC? Stonefire Grill that's who, although it is unclear if they pioneered the idea.

[Reg-O-Meter staff memo: With yet another entry this week of the name “Gordon Dillow,” the Reg-O-Meter, after being in operation a mere three weeks, incurred a major, possibly fatal technological malfunction—goddamn Radio Shack parts. Until repairs can be made, the Reg-O-Meter has been shut down. So instead, please enjoy the following slices of bad Reggie behavior from the past week you may have missed, sans highly scientific calculatin’ and shit.]

SUNDAY, MARCH 23
The Weekly’s R. Scott Moxley posts this steamy-hot, leather-clad, ball-gagged POV on Gordon Dillow’s latest I-love-a-man-in-uniform column. Just in case, you know, you missed it.....

MONDAY, MARCH 24
Hey, Marty Wisckol! Look, man—I don’t know what it’s like to work for the Register—oh, wait . . . yes I do!—but it’s gotta be hard coming up with fresh material for your political column there at the Grand Avenue mausoleum.

Today, though, in “The Buzz”---how much market research was done before the Reg mucky-mucks thought that name up, anyway?—your sense of quiet desperation became terribly obvious. We know how you have to make your job there seem as relevant as possible to your bosses, even though it ain’t. Especially when, like today, you start off your column—headlined “Race makes some wary of Obama”----with the line “If you have any doubt that race remains a significant issue for many voters, check out the OC Political Pulse poll last week on Barack Obama’s ‘race’ speech last week. A quarter of GOP respondents said that Obama had an ‘underlying black agenda.’”

The OC Political Pulse is an online Register poll that’s just as ridiculous and insipid as the Reggie’s old daily telephone polls they used to run in print in an attempt to engage readers—stuff like “Do you like cats? Vote ‘Yes’ or ‘No’” (well, maybe not that insipid, but pretty damn close).

But back to that first graf of Marty's story . . . race a significant issue for “many voters?” Based on your cute li’l fuzzy-faced poll, Marty? As much as we suck at it, let's do the math: The total number of Republicans who responded to your loaded Obama question—and I’m writing this a week after the fact—is 42. And, as you say, a full quarter of that number comes out to . . . a whopping 11. But a headline blaring 11 REPUBLICANS THINK OBAMA HAS AN UNDERLYING BLACK AGENDA just ain’t really sexy, is it? About as sexy as the picture of you that stares at me from your column, Marty . . . you with your creepy Manchurian Candidate/Scientologist's gaze and Charlie Manson grin.

So your whole column is based on the results of a completely batshit poll, and then you go and give it an air of legitimacy by printing the equally batshit rantings of one Sharon Bush, who basically thinks that Obama is a slobbering, sword-carrying, blood-drinking, child-eating Muslim who's trying to take over the country and enslave Christians.

Lovely.

TUESDAY, MARCH 25
Some 7 years after the Weekly first scrawls about very, very OC artist Aaron Kraten—
we’ve even put his work on our cover. Twice!—the Reg finally discovers him and runs a piece on Kraten's new iPod skins. Better late than never, though seven years practically is.

If you read my entry a few posts down, you know it isn't going to be SUPERHERO MOVIE (mark my words, eventually someone will put out a film entitled PARODY MOVIE, and it will still suck, but in a really postmodern kind of way).

So, what to pick this weekend? 21 or STOP LOSS? Because those are really you're only choices unless you want to drive out of county and see AMERICAN ZOMBIE or something like that (better yet, go see THE ROOM Saturday midnight at the Sunset 5. It's been running there for four years now, and is a must-attend for any cinemaniac at some point).

I'm stalling because it's hard to make a pick. But I'm going to go with STOP LOSS. And not just because it's Kimberly Peirce's follow-up to BOYS DON'T CRY, though that's a good reason. It's also because 21 sounds lame -- it stars a white guy playing a person who was actually Asian.

But here's another thing I dig about STOP LOSS, and which will make for some really genius Youtube mash-ups a year or so from now: It stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Channing Tatum as army buddies.

Geeks know where I'm going with this. There's a big blockbuster movie set for next year that also stars Tatum and Gordon-Levitt as army buddies who have a major falling out.

It's called G.I. JOE. And they're playing Duke and Cobra Commander, respectively.

Think of this as the prequel.

Okay, I'm not trying to pile on Chuck Philips or the Los Angeles Times over the now-retracted story about Sean "Diddy" Combs' alleged involvement in a 1994 attack on Tupac Shakur. Ever since The Smoking Gun ran a withering dissection of the documents on which the whole story depended and the Times was forced to issue a sweeping apology for the piece, that pile has gotten pretty damn big, with both readers and other journalists getting in on the action.

I just want to make sure our readers get a good look at Jimmy Sabatino, the known con artist who appears to have produced the bogus FBI documents that fooled the Times (but not the Smoking Gun). Back in 1999, when I was a staff writer at Miami New Times, my colleague and friend Robert Andrew Powell wrote this story about Sabatino. Read the whole thing, and be sure not to miss this part describing how Sabatino would routinely run up five-figure hotel bills without paying a cent:

OC MUSIC AWARDS, 3/29 8 p.m.
OC's finest.
The Grove
2200 E Katella Ave. Anaheim, CA 92806
(714) 712-2700

THE BLACK KEYS, 3/30 7 p.m.
This band fucking rocks. Be there. $20
Glass House
200 W. Second St. Pomona, CA 91766
909-629-0377

DINNER AND LANTERN-LIT TOUR WITH EGYPTOLOGIST KARA COONEY, 3/30 5 p.m.
Awesomely fantastic. Say a final farewell to the Mummies exhibit with dinner and a tour. $55.
Bowers Museum of Cultural Art
2002 N. Main St. Santa Ana CA 92701
714-567-3600

Frisbee Golf, Daily 10 a.m.
You know you want to.
Huntington Beach Disc Golf Course
18000 Golden West St. Huntington Beach, CA 92605

Whale Watching, Daily 3 p.m.
Whales, dolphins, seals, and birds all make incredible journeys along our coast, ranging from a few hundred miles to many thousands. Why not go watch them move? $28.95-$39.95
Aquarium of the Pacific
100 Aquarium Way Long Beach, CA 90802
562-590-3100

Director Craig Mazin has delivered a groundbreaking, whip-smart comic-book spoof that deftly deconstructs the genre without relying on surface-level parody...it’s called The Specials, and it came out nearly eight years ago. Superhero Movie, which is only Mazin’s second directorial effort, is everything his first film was not: predictable, flat, name-dropping, tragically unhip, and likely to make a decent amount of cash.

Drake & Josh’s Drake Bell stars as Rick Riker, a hapless Tobey Maguire wannabe who’s bitten by a genetically enhanced insect and becomes the Dragonfly; what ensues is a silly Spider-Man spoof that’s ironically less witty than Sam Raimi’s source material. Note to screenwriters: it’s clear you think that jokes ending in the words “Myspace,” “YouTube,” or “Wikipedia” are automatically funny, but it just ain’t so. The best that can be said for Mazin is that he’s still a step up from the demonic duo of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (Epic Movie), and Superhero Movie does deliver a small handful of laughs, mostly thanks to the presence of Jeffrey Tambor as a whacked-out doctor. But our standards for parody need to be higher than this.

A list of in-house seating guidelines from an unnamed Mexican restaurant in Huntington Beach was recently leaked online. Among the guidelines for servers:

"Mexican people prefer a booth rather than a table"

"Mexican people don't like to wait - don't tell them how long the wait is...try to seat them ASAP"

I suppose I could ask a certain someone here in the office if these are accurate stereotypes or not. But instead, I find myself wondering: Which is the race that loves to wait endlessly for a table? And who doesn't prefer a booth?

(h/t LA Observed)

Brohondo, 9:30 p.m.
Yo yo it's Brohondo.
The Pike Bar & Grill
1836 E. Fourth St. Long Beach, CA 90802
562-437-4453

The Copy Cats, 8 p.m.
Hello Dolly
Doll Hut
107 S. Adams St. Anaheim, CA 92802
714-533-1286

Club Eclipse, 9:30 p.m.
Go ahead. Be furious.
Fury
4221 Dolphin Striker Way Newport Beach, CA

Club Kiss, 9 p.m.
Children love to scribble.
Scribbles
245 Gentle Springs Lane Diamond Bar, CA
909-396-4244

Girls Night Out, 8 p.m.
DJ Soltani rocks the cantina all night long
Chronic Cantina
1870 Harbor Blvd. Costa Mesa, CA 92627

If you are an average, everyday Joe with a crappy job who drinks to relieve his sorrow and gets busted for DUI when only slightly over the punitive limit, I might feel sorry for you, provided no-one was hurt by your actions.

If you are a huge rock star who could easily afford not only a cab but your own personal driver, and you insist on driving intoxicated anyway -- with minors in the car, no less! -- you are doubly dumb and should be made an example of.

Yes, Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi, it's your life, it's now or never, but never say goodbye to sobriety behind the wheel, or your life won't be a bed of roses. You may think you're living life in a blaze of glory, but you'll find that jail is some bad medicine.

Perhaps bad medicine is what you need.

Details is a so-so magazine, an Esquire for guys whose idea of manliness is Aaron Carter. Much better is the writing chops of editor-at-large Jeff Gordinier in his new book, X Saves the World: How Generation X Got the Shaft but can Still Keep Everything from Sucking. And we love that, in his intro, he gives a shout-out to the legendary eccentric, Eiler Larsen, the Greeter of Laguna Beach. Apparently Gordinier worked at an ice cream shop a couple of feet away from Greeter's Corner, where he explains to a national audience "an old bearded gent who looks like an ancient mariner from a box of frozen fish sticks has been recruited to stand all day long in the scalding sun, waving at cars and confused pedestrians." Gordinier got the recruitment part wrong--Larsen needed no prodding nor did his replacement, Number One Archer--but we nevertheless appreciate his plug. Now, if he could only get his employer to stop their asinine Gay or Straight feature...

Just as I was about to shell out the cash for the real thing, Forever 21 comes to the rescue—again. If you loved Luella's feminine, flirty, young and slightly awkward Spring 2008 collection as much as I did (as discussed in this week's Trendzilla!), you'll be glad to know about the discovery I made last night during my insomnia-induced web meandering.

The tiered short skirt pictured to the left—which I haven't even seen in stores yet—modeled by the ultra frightening Ukranian model Masha Tyelna has been knocked off and is available online for $17.80 at Forever21.com. No word yet on the quality of the 100% polyester skirt (it is Forever 21, after all—a gal's gotta be careful), but it seems to be a pretty good knockoff based on the detailed shots.

And if it falls apart after a season's worth of wear? That's fine with me—it's a tiered floral skirt, it probably won't be wearable past September.

John Solone’s Tribute to Sinatra, 6:30 p.m.
Luck Be A Lady Tonight, everybody.
Piccolino Ristorante Pizzeria
28731 Los Alisos Blvd., Ste. 3 Mission Viejo CA 92692
(949) 380-7261

Business Sunset Mixer, 6 p.m.
Put on your captain's cap and eat caviar with these lucky folks. At sunset. Oh la la. $20-40.
Seal Beach Yacht Club
255 Marina Dr. Long Beach CA 90803
(714) 210-3337

Two Idiots Peddling Poetry Presents Maggie Sullivan, 7:30 p.m.
Snaps! $2
The Ugly Mug
261 N. Glassell St. Orange CA 92866
714-997-5610

Newport Beach Film Festival Call for Volunteers, 7 p.m.
The Newport Beach Film Festival is looking for enthusiastic film lovers to volunteer for Orange County’s most exciting event. The Festival runs from April 24th – May 1st, 2008 and will spotlight over 350 films from around the world, offering an ambitious and international selection of features, shorts, documentaries and animation. Screenings, events, and galas will take place at various venues throughout Newport Beach, including the Edwards Island Cinemas. Go watch movies for free!
Newport Beach Central Library
1000 Avocado Ave. Newport Beach CA 92660
949-548-2411

Todd Oliver Quartet, 9:30 p.m.
It's dark in there. Sexual.
LA CAVE
1695 Irvine Ave. Costa Mesa CA 92627
949-646-7944

After pondering a posting tonight at theliberaloc.com by Gila Jones, I'm guessing that Orange County Republican pollsters have worrisome data that raises concerns about the safety of Congressman Dana Rohrabacher's re-election chances in November.

An enigma wrapped in lies, a temper, quixotic brain functions, shameless self-promotion, questionable personal habits, margarita breath and a dress code likely suggested by a well-meaning but drunk Frank Mickadeit, Rohrabacher is, by any reasonable measure, the one GOPer county Democrats should be able to unseat.

Yet, Dem efforts to date have been pathetic. He's easily won election after election for nearly two decades. It didn't help that after the last U.S. Census Democrat Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez used her influence with Democrats in the state legislature to strengthen Rohrabacher's gerrymandered California coastal district in an behind the scenes game of incumbency protection.

Now, Huntington Beach Mayor Debbie Cook is set to take on Rohrabacher and Michael J. Schroeder--Rohrabacher pal, GOP heavyweight and plotting political mastermind--is attempting to convince the court system that Cook can't call herself "mayor" on the ballot. His reasoning? Cook was elected to the position by the HB city council, not the public.

You don't say?

Perhaps Schroeder is just bored and waiting for the next USC football season. Then again, perhaps internal Republican pollings suggests local voters are finally tired of the pro-war, pro-status quo crew and Rohrabacher's campaign is looking for ways to put Cook on the defensive from the outset.

-- R. Scott Moxley / OC Weekly

Parents of 7th, 8th and 9th grade boys can relax a wee bit more this afternoon. Jeffrey Ray Nielsen--a onetime congressional aide to Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-Huntington Beach) and a serial pedophile--is now in custody of the Orange County Sheriff's Department. Superior Court Judge David Thompson sentenced the 37-year-old Nielsen, son of former Fountain Valley Mayor Ben Nielsen, to three years in an as-yet-to-be-named California prison. Read the full story of today's hearing in next week's edition of Moxley Confidential in the Weekly.

Click here for prior coverage of the Nielsen pedophile saga.

-- R. Scott Moxley / OC Weekly

According to a Department of Justice press release and reported by the Register, Charles Head, a 33-year-old from La Habra and several accomplices have been charged with illegal activities purportedly using the latest mortgage scam to come through the pipeline.

One can only expect more scams to surface soon in the wake of the "mortgage crisis," (otherwise known, at least by me, as the most shining contemporary example of both the greed and stupidity of the American people and the relentless unscrupulousness of our financial usury system, or GASAPRUFUS).

Head and 18 accomplices have been charged with mail fraud, conspiracy to commit mail fraud, conspiracy to commit money laundering and other related offenses resulting from an IRS and FBI investigation known as "Operation Homewrecker." According to the DOJ, they're accused of an "equity stripping" scheme where they fraudulently obtained titles to more than 100 homes and stole millions of dollars.

According to the DOJ, Head and his team of homewreckers found people over their head in their mortgage and promised them a way to make their payments on time with the help of an "investor." The phony investor, who of course pretends he still thinks the housing market will rebound, will make part of their mortgage payment if his or her name is put on the title.

This probably seemed like a a good idea to the kind of person who thought it was a good idea to buy a two-bedroom ranch-style house in Westminster for $650,000 on an adjustable rate mortgage. Wocka-Wocka! Joke's on you!

Well, once Mr. or Mrs. Investor made their way on to the home title, guess what they did? That's right, they went to the bank, refinanced, and stole all the equity out of the house, leaving the homeowner with even worse problems.

But alas, don't feel bad for the bank that lost millions, or the homeowners who lost millions because, one way or another, you will ultimately pay for it.

Here's the full list of those charged: CHARLES HEAD,33, of La Habra, California; JEREMY MICHAEL HEAD, 30, of Huntington Beach, California; ELHAM ASSADI, aka Elham Assadi Jouzani, aka Ely Assadi, 30, of Irvine, California; LEONARD BERNOT, 51, of Laguna Hills, California; AKEMI BOTTARI, 28, of Los Angeles; JOSHUA COFFMAN, 29, of North Hollywood; JOHN CORCORAN, aka Jack Corcoran, 52, of Anaheim; SARAH MATTSON, 27, of Phoenix, Arizona; DOMONIC McCARNS, 33, of Brea, California; ANH NGUYEN, 36, of Los Angeles; OMAR SANDOVAL, 32, of Rancho Cucamonga, California; XOCHITL SANDOVAL, 29, of Rancho Cucamonga; EDUARDO VANEGAS, 28, of Phoenix; ANDREW VU, 39, of Santa Ana; JUSTIN WILEY, 28, of Irvine; and KOU YANG, 32, of Corona, California.

While John McCain was inside the Island Hotel in Newport Beach yesterday rallying funds for his general election war chest, three—count 'em, three!—separate rallies, uh, rallied outside.

Let’s start with the obvious: Orange County, presidential candidate who stops short of proposing mass deportation of Mexicans—yup, you guessed it, the Minutemen were there!

National rally spokesman Raymond Herrera and his grumpy gaggle of troublemakers actually seemed to hate McCain even more than they detest Democratic candidates, branding his position with the scarlet letter of nativists everywhere: A, as in “amnesty.”

The group passed out bright yellow fliers that read, "Boycott Mexico!!! Do-not give your tourist dollars to Mexico! Spend them in the beautiful American Southwest." Herrera explained that John McCain is lying to the public about his views on immigration. If he is elected, McCain will open the borders and grant amnesty, Herrera insisted.

“Hopefully Mitt Romney will come back in few years then we will have a president for the people,” Herrera said.

Anti-Iraq War protesters were on the other side of the hotel chanting, “stop the war.” Ed Garza, one of the anti-war activists, got into a lively exchange with Laura Bekeart Dietz, who worked for the Republican National Committee in the '70s. Here's what Garza had to say:




Dietz, who had arrived with a group of McCain supporters (rally No. 3) who had mostly left the scene by that time, maintained that the Minutemen were way off in their assessment of McCain's immigration stance.

"He's not for open borders," she said. "He understands the importance of getting the wall up."

With his book subject Mitt Romney (thankfully) out of the presidential race, Orange County's own nationally syndicated yackmouth Hugh Hewitt is desperately trying to remain relevant in this year's presidential race by trotting out the lamest smear attempt since Democratic Party nominee Barack Obama's middle name. Here and here, Baby Hewie tries to make an issue of Obama's 1995 memoir Dreams from my Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance. "It has to be the most unusual book ever by a presidential aspirant," Baby Hewie writes, "and much of what he writes cannot be classified as mainstream, and some of what he wrote would shock the average American, including his causal use of profanity and his admission concerning past cocaine use." A strange assertion considering Lyndon LaRouche and A Charge To Keep, but fine, Hugh: we'll play your game. So what offends him so much about Obama's writing? He points to pages 72-74 at the beginning of Chapter 4 in Dreams from My Father. The shocking details after the jump!

STIFF, 9 p.m.
Need proof that you're still relevant? Not settling for mere circumstantial evidence? Then come to Proof. For proof.
Proof Bar
215 N. Broadway Santa Ana, CA 92701
714-953-2660

CHRIS HANLIN; AJ DEGRASSE; CHRIS PAUL OVERALL; KATE MANN, 8:30 p.m.
Gypsies are known for playing terrible music and swindling you for a dollar. Why not partake in a roomfull?
The Gypsy Lounge
23600 Rockfield Blvd., Ste. 3A Lake Forest, CA 92630
949-206-9990

JOEY RYAN; CHRIS PIERCE, 7:30 p.m.
A night at plush lounge is like eating pudding with a fork. Satisfying. Price:: $8
Plush Lounge
207 N. Harbor Blvd. Fullerton CA

RACHEL CLINE, AUTHOR OF "WHAT TO KEEP", 6 p.m.
Rachel Cline, author of "What to Keep," reads from her new novel "My Liar," a portrait of two women in Hollywood. Yeah. It's probably going to be boring.
Laguna Beach Books
1200 S. Coast Highway Laguna Beach, CA
949-494-4779

“SHINING STARS” YOUTH ART CONTEST, 5 p.m.
If you are into children's art then you probably already have a child. That being said, the best of child artwork will be on display here.
Westminster Community Services & Recreation Department
8200 Westminster Blvd. Westminster, CA 92683
714-895-2860

Republican presidential candidate and war-lover, John McCain, will be in our neck of the woods tomorrow to rub elbows (raise money) with the rich folks whom he will help make richer if he takes office in 2008.

McCain's meeting with the GOP big bucks will take place at the Island Hotel in Newport Beach where they will drink wine, eat bite-sized pieces of cheese and discuss whether McCain has discovered the difference between the Sunni and the Shi’a yet. Our money is on no.

Meanwhile, OC's Young Democrats will be outside picketing the event and urge others to join in on the fun. If interested contact Carlos Camacho at Carlos@oclabor.org or at 714-385-1534 or just show up with a sign at noon. The hotel's address is 690 Newport Center Drive, Newport Beach.

Rather than offer a straightforward review of Culture Clash's Culture Clash in AmeriCCa at South Coast Repertory (anything these guys do is genius, and this show is no different), here's some notes from the Friday night premiere:

*FACES IN THE CROWD: Orange County Business Journal honcho Rick Reiff, legendary slumlord George Argyros and his gracious wife, Judy, and too many coffin dodgers to count.

*MOST SHAMELESS PLUG: In the very beginning, when Ric Salinas and Herbert Siguenza prepare to interview a day laborer played by Richard Montoya, Salinas shouted "Ask a Mexican, take one," in a shameless nod toward my column. Gracias, guys. The audience howled--but probably more out of their bigoted souls than recognition of the column.

*BIGGEST BOMB: When Culture Clash took a jab at Costa Mesa's Minuteman councilmember, Allan Mansoor. Almost no one laughed--since when does the California Coalition for Immigration Reform attend theater?

*LOUDEST AUDIENCE GASP: When Siguenza--in the role of a beach bum--remarked he had just accepted a teaching job at Mater Dei High. "I hear the girls are HOT!" Siguenza shouted, and the audience squirmed, no doubt aware about the school's kiddie-fiddling reputation.

*LOUDEST AUDIENCE LAUGH: When Montoya--in the role of a stoned San Francisco lesbian (don't ask; go see)--she bought her pot from a nephew who's going to graduate from Orange Coast College after 13 years. As a proud Pirate, I take offense to your slur, Richard: most of us take 6 years, tops.

We can go on, but instead urge all to buy tickets now if you want two hours of joy, pain, laughter and barbs directed at our fair county. Actually, the OC parts probably total 25 minutes, but you won't notice it--and it ends with Social D!

Below are snippets:

On Friday night, Dave Segal watched London duo, Black Ghosts, put on one of the better hipster-dance live shows he's seen in a while. Saying, "It was kind of like a combination of Daft Punk and Chemical Brothers, full of aggressive beats, filthy synth textures and sing-along tunes."

Saturday found our own Luke Y. Thompson at the toy store shopping for Iron Man action figures to add to his collection. He found himself a Robert Downey Jr. action figure at the Toys R Us in Irvine.

Too bad it looks more like Eddie Izzard than Downey, though. Sigh.

Also on Saturday: The Reg-O-Meter's data came back with another negative reading after Rich Kane tore last week's Orange County Register articles apart. Check back next Saturday for this week's reading. (And if you notice a Reg tidbit you feel we should add to the mix, please feel free to e-mail rkane@ocweekly.com)

On Sunday, Edwin Goei told us how to properly enjoy an all day Filipino breakfast at Manila Groove in Tustin. Sadly, it doesn't involve a big wooden spoon and fork. While Gustavo Arellano warns cruisers not to hit Bristol (cuz da po po be roamin) and R. Scott Moxley remarks about Gordon Dillow's uncanny ability to generate imaginary dilemmas. And get paid!

ANARBOR; VENUS INFERS; BRAVE CITIZENS; OVERVIEW; DRIVE BY, 7:30 p.m.
$10 for all this junk?! What a bargain!
Chain Reaction
1652 W. Lincoln Ave. Anaheim, CA 92801
714-635-6067

CAMILLE BLOOM & CARRIE CLARK; MOLLY ZENOBIA, 8 p.m.
Oh no you didn't!
Hennessey's Tavern
213 Ocean Ave. Laguna Beach, CA 92651
949-494-2743

THE ROCKET SUMMER; ALL TIME LOW; THE MATCHES; SONNY; FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS, 7 p.m.
People in glass houses should throw parties! For $15 you can have one tonight.
The Glass House
200 W. Second St. Pomona, CA 91766
909-629-0377

CHRISTOPHER HALL AND SCOTT WEAVER, 9 p.m.
Who? Oh yeah, those guys.
Kitsch Bar
891 Baker St., Ste. A10 Costa Mesa, CA 92626
714-546-8580

JOYRIDE MONDAYS, 8 p.m.
Long Beach's dive bar of choice.
The Pike Bar & Grill
1836 E. Fourth St. Long Beach, CA 90802
562-437-4453

Holding a gun with both hands sent sensations racing down his spine to a semi-firm point between his legs. Gordon Dillow wanted to moan—purr, really—like he did in the privacy of his home. But he’d been warned twice before about fondling weapons inside Orange County Register headquarters. There was also the problem of his co-workers: in his mind, a bunch of unapologetic liberals, women, homosexuals, Jews and "gooks."** He knew they didn’t sympathize with the depths of his love for men in uniform, weapons, badges, boots, steel neck collars and cop domination techniques—particularly ones performed on young brown people who haven't yet learned to quickly salute state authority.

Dillow’s memory flashed to the time in the men’s room when he had reached out to another Register employee in hopes of finding an ideological soul mate. The man flushed, called him a “sick douche bag” and stormed out. Weeks later the Pentagon’s PR unit sent Dillow to Iraq under the ruse that he was an independent embedded journalist. Men. Uniforms. Weapons. Heat. Torture. Dead civilians. He felt so blessed he tried to stay indefinitely.

But that was several years ago. Dillow gripped the gun tightly, squeezed his eyelids and recalled his favorite photograph: a smirking, erect Heinrich Himmler, dressed spectacularly in a Nazi uniform and surrounded by shirtless males ready to obey. He sighed and let his mind wonder about the possibility of a master race.

A tingling returned. He rolled his chair over to his office door and quietly locked it shut. Deadline for his next column was 15 minutes away. What could he write about? Cops? Soldiers? Cop/soldiers? A coin flip wouldn’t help.

His eyes searched his office in hopes of sparking an idea. A Donna Summer song played softly in the background. There--partially hidden underneath his prized copy of a My Lai massacre movie (actual footage!) and a stack of photographs he’d secretly taken of men entering an Army recruiting station in Stanton on successive Saturdays--he found inspiration: a Register crime story. I’ll let him tell describe his excitement:

“It happened earlier this month in Irvine,” Dillow wrote for today’s column. “Police were looking for a man suspected of raping an 18-year-old woman in her home. As the cops searched, the fleeing suspect, a 27-year-old L.A. gang member, tried to hide by breaking into another home. Inside, the homeowner, a man who had recently undergone defensive firearms training, heard the commotion, grabbed a handgun and confronted the suspect.”

Men. Uniforms. Gun. Action.

Dillow swiveled repeatedly in his seat, purred and looked over his shoulder. Yes, the office door remained shut. In the distance he heard Tony Saavedra snoring, Frank Mickadeit bragging about his own popularity and Martin Wisckol slowly repeating a series of orders from GOP boss Mike Schroeder. Even for Dillow, those noises were troublesome. He re-focused his attention on the rapist article.

“Well, I don’t have enough space to go into all the Second Amendment arguments,” he wrote. “But to me it’s obvious that a homeowner in Irvine or any other law-abiding citizen has a constitutional right to have a firearm.”

Dillow finished typing and smiled. His left hand dropped to his lap region. Nobody—not a single person on the entire planet—had argued that this homeowner wasn’t legally entitled to possess a gun or use it in self-defense. The 57-year-old columnist marveled at his ability to produce imaginary dilemmas. And get paid! For the first time since the California Supreme Court strengthened police secrecy and lethal force laws, Dillow laughed out loud, packed up and went to CVS to buy more hand lotion.

-- R. Scott Moxley / OC Weekly

**In a column, Dillow once admitted "there was a time when I called [Vietnamese] gooks without so much as a second thought." Repentant? Nope. Later, in 1999, he defended--imagine this!--caucasian police officers in Orange County's Little Saigon calling Vietnamese Americans "gooks."

News this afternoon that the SanTana police department will shut down most of northbound Bristol Street until tomorrow morning to stem off car cruising is about as breaking as that the city is mostly Mexican. The city has unsuccessfully battled cruisers on Bristol for almost 20 years. In 1989, the city council officially banned cruising at the behest of Police Chief Paul Walters, but enforcing that ordinance failed so spectacularly that in 1993, 12 other police agencies helped SanTana black-and-whites to try and stop the pastime to the tune of $150,000. The city declared victoria in 1995, but the cruisers returned en force in 2001--and here we are again.

The funniest thing about this episode? Bristol is where SanTana Mayor Papi Pulido use to ride low and slow. This shocking revelation (the Papi is usually about as exciting as stucco) comes courtesy of Pulido himself. No, Papi didn't break his years-long embargo against the Weekly--at a 1995 City Council meeting, the Los Angeles Times quoted him as saying, ""I used to cruise there, by the way," "there" referring to Bristol. Will we see the Papi flipping the hydraulics on a '65 Impala? Stay tuned...

A few things happened to Manila Groove since I visited last.

First, about three months ago, Gustavo Arellano tipped readers about the little-known Tustin eatery and its constantly updated website menu in his This-Hole-in-the-Wall-Life column.

Second, they've expanded by taking over the store next door, effectively doubling the space with new tables and chairs. And when I say "new", I mean it -- the place was nothing more than a take-out counter before. Now, there's framed art, posters, and hanging plants. Though, sadly, no big wooden spoon and fork.

It’s another edition of our occasional chronicle/critique of the Orange County Register, using highly-detailed, top-secret scientific research crafted in the sub-basement of the OC Weekly DataLab®.

Every week, we start the Register off with a generous 100 points. Then our expensive-ass computers (the same ones used to coordinate BCS rankings, control space shuttle launches and animate Daybreak OC’s Pete Weitzner) add or subtract points based on the quality of the Register’s print edition, their website, and anything else Reg-related. If the end tally meets or exceeds 100 points, we’ll officially proclaim the Register as The Greatest Newspaper That’s Ever Existed In The History of Recorded Information, and immediately discontinue our monitoring. But if the final number freefalls to zero or below, well . . . we just keep on going.

This week’s Register-culled info entered into the Reg-O-Meter©:

SUNDAY, MARCH 16
•It’s a glorious, sunshiney day—time to break out the BBQ grill! We’ve got shrimp, hot dogs and chicken, and our XM tuned to Bob Dylan’s show. What could possibly go wrong? Especially since, just six days earlier, the Register’s Gary Robbins scribbled blurbage on the front page of his fishwrap’s Local section, a story headlined “The Prediction is a Rain-Free March.” To support this claim, Robbins interviewed one Stan Wasowski, described as “a veteran weather forecaster,” which, for all we know, could mean that he was born with the uncanny ability to look up at the sky. Turns out Wasowski sucks at forecasting, and that goes doubly for Robbins, because later this afternoon, we’re left staring out our patio window with a plate of ready-to-char meat in our hands—hoping the goddamned rain will go away. Register! Why do we bother trusting you?!?

DON’T TAKE GARY ROBBINS TO KNOW WHICH WAY THE WIND BLOWS: minus 43
Reg-O-Meter Subtotal: 57 POINTS

MONDAY, MARCH 17
•March Madness! And who’s showing up for the Big Dance? Holy crap—it’s Cal State Fullerton, who haven’t made it to the NCAA basketball tourney in 30 years! Sure, they’ll be knocked out in a first-round game later on this week, but still, things don’t get more local than that. So how does the Reg play the big news in their special tournament section, as well as on the front page? With color photos of UCLA’s Kevin Love (relative of total fucking douchebag asshole Mike Love, of what’s left of the Beach Boys) and USC’s O.J. Mayo. Let’s see . . . UCLA is, what, 35 miles from Orange County? And USC is around 20 miles? Oh, wait, there’s the CSUF story—on page 8 of the special section, teased by teeny-tiny type that reads “Titans all over the map.” Just not all over the Reggie.

•Nutjob Letter of the Day Prize goes to Jack Van Auken of Yorba Linda, who thinks Dilbert is Satan. “For three days the Dilbert comic strip has made fun of the name and person of Jesus Christ. Has the Register gone crazy to allow this? . . . The Register should apologize to the Christian public . . . This is way over the line.” Only Reg readers could find offense in Dilbert—other than the usual way Dilbert offends in being totally not funny. But these strips actually made us smirk. Go here and start your clicking with the March 8 strip, then move on to March 10-14, and see if you agree.

•Actual excerpt from today’s column by Teryl Zarnow, who writes about family stuff:

“Did you take my pen?” I ask my husband.
“No,” he says, engrossed in one of the Sudoku puzzles he completes as relentlessly as I used to chew my No. 2 pencils.
“I can’t find my yellow pen from the desk,” I say.
“Don’t know,” he mumbles.
“You’re using my yellow pen!” I shout in discovery.
“Oh, yes, I have a yellow pen,” he answers.

Fucking riveting.

CSU-WHO?: minus 32.2
ALWAYS-ENTERTAINING REG LETTERS: plus 26.8
TERYL ZARNOW COLUMNS: STRONGER THAN SOMINEX: minus 19.9
Reg-O-Meter Subtotal: 31.7 POINTS

TUESDAY, MARCH 18
•Nutjob Letter of the Day Prize goes to—wait for it—B.J. Vetter of San Juan Capistrano, blurting about a Reggie story on veterans and young folks coming together, but not in that way: “Our veterans are an inspiration to our young people. This program deserved the front page of the local section, not page 7, and deserved at least as much of the front page as the coverage of . . .”
What? What story could possibly be so upsetting to B.J. that it dared displaced proper coverage of his/her beloved wrinkly men in uniform?
The impending 100-year Iraq War?
The coming sequel to the Great Depression?
The housing crisis?
The Carona trial?
Catholic preacher boy-buggering?
Not even close.
“. . . the 88-year-old lesbian.”

•New massage ad in the porn-o-rific sports pages, boasting a price of “$1 for 1 minute.” Gee, that doesn’t sound like much time for getting properly kneaded. What sort of pleasure can one possibly derive from a massage lasting only a few minutes? Seems it’d have to be an awful quickie one...

THOSE DARN LESBIANS: plus 27.1
REGGIE HAND PARTY: plus 8.2
Reg-O-Meter Subtotal: 67 POINTS

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19
•“Gordon Dillow is taking the day off . . .” plus 84.4
•“His column returns Sunday.” minus 208.7

REG-O-METER GRAND TOTAL: NEGATIVE 57.3 points.

Better luck next time, kids!

It wasn't long after I moved to OC that I got the news that Cathy Seipp had died. I got it almost instantaneously -- Cathy was so hooked into the blogosphere that her last moments, much like many of her days, were obsessively chronicled online by friends and colleagues.

That was a year ago today.

Born in Canada but raised in OC (Los Alamitos, to be precise), Cathy was a conservative pundit of sorts, but not the predictable kind. Yes, she wrote for National Review Online, but also L.A. CityBeat, at least until they stopped paying her what she felt she was worth.

Fridays are always tough in Orange County's Central Courthouse at Santa Ana. That's when the majority of convicted defendants face sentencing. Of course, watching killers, rapists and robbers begin to pay for their crimes isn't tough. It's seeing the indescribable pain of victims and their families who attend the hearings.

Today, jail deputies brought Marvin V. Smith to court a final time. Last December 17, a jury convicted Smith—a wealthy businessman from Cypress—for brutally killing his wife Minnie, a retired Raytheon Corp. executive, and then staging a robbery in hopes of masking the killers' identity. It didn't help Smith's cause when a week after the crime, Cypress police detective Chris McShane discovered more than $200,000 of Minnie's allegedly stolen jewelry in the trunk of a car Smith kept in Los Angeles. Despite the efforts of veteran defense lawyer Jennifer Keller, Deputy District Attorney Michael F. Murray successfully argued that Smith had probably murdered his wife to get her half of the couples' $5.5 million fortune.

With two deputies at his side, Smith strutted into Superior Court Judge Daniel McNerney's packed courtroom wearing not only handcuffs, a nice sweater and slacks, but also a smile. It's incredibly bad manners for a convicted defendant to smile at his sentencing hearing. Then again, Smith's a 72-year-old cold blooded killer. And there's a history of bad manners here. On the night of Minnie's murder, Smith talked cheerfully to police about his affection for a woman later identified by law enforcement as one of Smith's numerous mistresses.

I've been covering courts off and on for 22 years, and today will be a day I'll always remember. Murray played a two-minute DVD created by Bennie Thomas, Minnie's son from a previous marriage. It contained dozens of family photos of what was obviously a happy, peaceful woman. In the background, a song played with lyrics that included, “Momma, you know I love you.'' There were tears and crying and sniffing in the public seating section. Judge McNerney and his bailiff, both red-faced, looked touched too.

Smith--represented in court by Kay Rackauckas, ex-wife to District Attorney Tony Rackauckas--showed no emotion. He rested his face on his right hand, looked away and closed his eyes. What thoughts go through a man's head when he's been convicted of killing his wife, leav