An Open Letter to Mater Dei Quarterback Matt Barkley

Dear Matt,

Congrats on all your success: Gatorade High School Football, Player of the Year (first junior so honored ever), the early commitment to USC, the many prep titles—oops, scratch that last one! And we loved the profile that the New York Times did on you yesterday. We especially were excited about your commitment to Jesus Christ, “Jesus Christ is No. 1 to me,” you told the Times. “That’s who I play for.”

Heaven knows this world needs more upstanding young athletes like you. Which leads to the following question: If the Nazarene is your man, why on Earth do you play for Mater Dei?

Matt: Mater Dei is as far removed from God as Gomorrah. It openly protects statutory rapists who help its athletic programs win. School administrators consistently try to brush aside its cover-up-plagued past. More importantly, your home base is Costa Mesa's Rock Harbor Church—aren't you evangelical types supposed to hate us Papists? We kid, but only on the last point. Seriously, Matt: Jesus doesn't take kindly to people who attend or support modern-day Mater Dei—and if you don't believe me, just ask the Virgin Mary. If you insist on athletic glory—and what kind of devout Christian seeks that?—drop out and attend Servite High: at least that school hasn't tolerated boy buggerers since the 1970s.