Top Ten Kicks In The Sack

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I'm spending some time planting trees in the Sonoran Desert next week. Why? Because I fucking hate trees, man. So we're gonna plant 'em in the desert. Screw with 'em.

I kid. The Environmental Law Caucus is working with the Sonoran Institute (pals of WildCOAST, and thus vicarious pals of the Weekly), and thus I needed work-boots. So I FOUND work-boots - real shit-kickers, too. Black, steel-toed, lace-up, soles made from recycled monster truck tires (maybe) ... I dig them muy mucho. But they are having a strange effect on me...

See, as soon as I walked out of the store, I became conscious that I was wearing weapons. Every footfall was that much heavier; every step expended that much more energy. At the same time, I almost unconsciously started contemplating the various scenarios in which I would be required to use my new steel toes to ball-kick opposition into submission. I'm not saying I was looking for balls to kick - but if the situation arose, I was prepared to kick balls.

This got me thinking - just how many people did OC Weekly kick in the balls last year? Let's put together a top 10. I'll start off with some obvious ones; we'll see how you degenerates manage at coming up with the rest on your own. Leave it to me and you'll be sorry.

TOP TEN OC WEEKLY NUT-SHOTS OF 2007

10.

9. JEFFREY NIELSEN: Nothing like busting a serial sex-offender pedophile, especially when that pedophile happens to be a Republican activist for whom Dana Rohrabacher once wrote a letter of recommendation for law school. Among many other salient details of this case, R. Scott Moxley revealed that Dana (which, backwards, spells "a nad", which is like a single testicle) now denies any ties of friendship to the convicted, jailed child molester. We put Jeffrey Ray Nielsen at #9 because it's half of the minimum age of boys he should pursue after finishing his 3-year prison sentence.

8.

7.

6.

5. FOOTHILL-SOUTH TOLL ROAD: When Bush signs the 2008 Defense Authorization Act, the Transportation Corridor Agencies will have to abide by California state law when they build their 241 toll road extension through a land reserve and state park. If you've read anything about the environmental nightmare that is the Foothill-South (241) toll road extension, you'll know that if the TCA actually has to obey the law, the road won't be built for years yet. If ever. Notch one up for wildlife, surfers, Native Americans and, well, everyone!

4.

3. BISHOP TOD BROWN: Gustavo said it all, and delicately so, in his year-in-review piece, "Tod and Me" - did YOU know Bishop Brown never revealed a sexual molestation claim against him until this year? I sure didn't.

2.

1. SHERIFF MIKE CARONA: Do I really need to go into detail here? Once the federal indictments came down for the sheriff in October, all any eager reporter had to do was turn to the Weekly's archive of R. Scott Moxley's unparalleled reporting on the sheriff. We at the Weekly were not surprised at the indictments - we were surprised there weren't more.

And if you think Carona has a shot in hell of getting off (despite his extraordinary skill in that arena), imagine the embarrassment of the U.S. Government indicting a sitting sheriff in one of the most prominent counties in the entire country, let alone losing that case. Trust me - in this one instance, for a brief period of time, the government actually knows what it's doing.

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