The "Real" Housewives of Orange County

Categories: TV

This week, all the housewives go on vacation. Some take a vacation from their homes or their problems, and others, from their boobs.

It seems that Tamra, the self-proclaimed “hottest housewife” has grown tired of her magnum-sized breast implants and has opted for their removal. Apparently they cause discomfort in the back region. Her husband Simon, always sweet and supportive, lends his advice on her surgery in the following way: “I don’t want someone with mosquito bites," he says. "I mean, I need something there.”

Wow. Now we see why he married her. It appears that Tamra also notices this, because ultimately, she decides that it would be better to have smaller bags of simulated fat surgically implanted under her chest muscles and keep her husband happy, than it would be to cure her ailments. Smart thinkin’ sister. I mean he is the one paying for the surgery.

Before she goes under, Tamra expresses her concerns about the procedure. “It’s scary,” she says to the camera with a furrowed brow. “When most girls in Orange County are getting bigger boobs I’m getting smaller ones. I could be losing my best asset.”

Yes. It’s true Tamra. Now all you have to offer the world is vapid consumerism. George Bush will be so proud.

Meanwhile, in the world of out-of-town vacationers, Skelator, ahem, I mean Lauri has rented an RV for herself, George and the kids to drive to Yellow Stone in. Wackiness ensues as the spoiled rotten children try camping in nature. With trees. And fire. What, no room service!? I hate them.

Vicki and Jeana take their kids to Puerto Vallarta without their husbands, which is probably for the best because Vicki has to be the most annoying human being on this earth. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to spend a weekend with her in a foreign country. The woman simply will not shut the fuck up. She just keeps screaming, “We’re going to Mexico!” in this high-pitched squeal over and again. So annoying.

While half of the women are out of town and others are out of commission, Quinn (the cougar) is taking the viewers with her on a trip to freaking Christian crazyville where she resides mentally.

Quinn's segment begins with herself and son Colin spending time together. They are bonding over reading bible verses aloud and baking cookies. Colin is doing the baking. How sweet. Then Quinn leaves her beloved son to pay a visit to her ex-boyfriend David so she can pick up some things she left behind a year-and-a-half ago when they broke up. Seriously.

Apparently they parted ways because, in Quinn’s words, “being a Christian girl and living with my boyfriend you know, how wrong is that in my world?” Yeah, and dating a man young enough to be your son is what god yearns for from all his children.

Anyway, she later leaves David’s house to have dinner with her young buck, Jared. They eat food and then shoot off some illegal fireworks together. Aww. Just like Jesus likes it.

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