Over the weekend, Orange County's own nationally syndicated yack-mouth Hugh Hewitt announced what everyone who follows the fool already knew: He'll be voting for Mitt Romney in California's Republican primary. Even crazier, Baby Hughie spouted off this gem:

We need another Reagan. I think that is Romney.

Where to begin...instead, let's leave it at this: ever since the publication of his Romney hagiography this past March, Hewitt has insisted his mind wasn't made up on the Republican presidential candidate he'd support. BULLSHIT. Anyone who bothers to read and listen to Hughie knew he'd come around to publicly kiss Romney's ass--but a full-blown snowball with that Reagan reference? Next time, spare us months of false indecisiveness, Hughie, and just spill your junk pronto.

So my weekly "Didja do anything cool I can throw into that Monday morning post?" note to the OCW staff was meet with *crickets* and Zzzzs. Everyone's in holiday hibernation mode and your regular "What You Missed" programming will resume next week.

What I hope you didn't miss was this blog entry from last Friday, in which R. Scott Moxley challenged Sheriff Mike Carona to a duel. OK, not quite, but Mox did indicate that His Indictedness was chickenshit for not playing a couple of tapes that will -supposedly- prove his innocence.

To further stress the sentiment, Moxley taped a couple of papers to Weekly Headquarters windows:

The fine folks in our production department inform us that a large sheriff's deptartment helicopter was not pleased, aiming its nose at Mox's paperwork and making a noise so loud we heard it at the opposite end of the building (where we assure you we were up to no good).

We tried to convince Jay From Production to don a chicken suit and stand on the roof for the occasion, but he refused, wondering aloud if such 'copters were armed with missiles. Instead, he drew us a lovely Carona chicken icon with a badge and boots, which the prod. folks gaily pasted next to the rest of the statement. (My camera died just as I lifted it to capture the fowl, but hopefully someone will snap it and we can paste it here later. Pssst. . .Rich?)

Happy last day of the year, folks! No "To Do Tonight" post today, as the lovely Rachel Leeson is off on a much deserved vacation. But do check out Erin DeWitt's compilation of New Year's Eve posters if you don't have plans.

And before I forget, a very Happy Birthday to our gorgeous and talented Ms. Amanda Parsons.

Earlier today, we wrote about the Renaissance Blob, the strange drawing of boundaries in SanTana's Renaissance redevelopment plan that weaved around properties operated by the families of Mayor Miguel Pulido and councilmember Vince Sarmiento. In a comment, Liberal OC blogger/SanTana planning commissioner Sean Mill wrote he was told by city staffers "that the reason that those properties were left out was so that Vince and Miguel would be able to vote on the plan. If they were included they would have to recuse themselves."

Pulido didn't always have such concerns.

Today, a chingo of SanTana residents met at State Senator Lou Correa's office to discuss the Renaissance Specific Plan, which seeks to transform the city's downtown in a good (according to proponents) or gentrifying-Mexicans-outta-there (says opponents) way. I'm sure the other SanTana blogs--specifically Sean Mill at The Liberal OC and the Orange Juice! gang--will have something to say, but here's something for everyone to ponder in the meanwhile: what's with the weird blob in the bottom middle of the proposed area as shown in this included map?

Sometimes you get way more good quotes than you can use in a story, and such was the case with my year in horror piece in today's issue. Here in cyberspace, we have a lot more room, so enjoy these bonus interviews.

TOBIN BELL, star of the SAW movies

On the violence in this year's Oscar-contending movies
The envelope has been pushed, and they're including horror elements in mainstream films.

on his own reaction to gore in movies
I did watch some of HOSTEL 2, and I do mean some. I didn't make it to the end.

on his favorite recent horror movie
THE DESCENT -- what I liked about it was the fact that they developed characters and relationships for the first 40 minutes of the film. I thought they created real claustrophobia and real caring about the characters.

on his newfound fame as John "Jigsaw" Kramer
I understand now the difference between the average moviegoer and horror fans -- horror fans are very passionate. I think you can accomplish the same thing in horror that you can accomplish in any other genre, whatever it might be...you just have to be determined to write a very smart script

What’s better than a sweet pink Nanette Lepore dress at nearly half off? Not a whole lot if you ask me. This whole Santa-Ana-makeover-thing to boost the city’s image has brought in a lot of spiffy new spots; notably brand new boutique Hannah Bean right down the street from the Weekly office.

The first floor in a 3-story artist loft, Hannah Bean is a bright and airy shop with chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and BCBG hanging on the walls. You can also find labels like Rebecca Taylor, Theory, Ella Moss and LaRok. Co-owners and friends Christina Harrison (pictured) and Nicole Dale opened the femininely decadent boutique in September 07. They’re currently having a spazm-inducing sale through the end of January: the entire store is 40% off.

Hannah Bean is located at 111 City Place Drive, Santa Ana, (714)835-7371, www.hannahbean.com

NEW YEAR’S BUBBLY TASTING, 4pm
Try extremely affordable sparklers from all over the world that will keep you raising your glass toast after toast after toast....
Vin de Pays, 5103 Richfield Rd., Yorba Linda

HOLIDAY LIGHTS FESTIVAL, 5:30pm
The Zoo entrance and farm area will be transformed into a winter wonderland, with lighted displays, enchanting animals, seasonal music, arts and crafts tables, train rides, and, of course, storytelling.
Santa Ana Zoo, 1801 E. Chestnut Ave., Santa Ana

SWING DANCE LESSONS, 7:45pm
It doesn’t matter whether you know how to swing or you don’t.
The Neighborhood Cup, 1 Journey, Aliso Viejo, (949) 716-5100

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS, 8pm
You have until the 30th to catch this show.
The Maverick Theater, 110 E. Walnut Ave., Fullerton

FUTURE DAYS, 9pm
DJ Eyad spins a mix of Rock to Indie Classics until 1am.
Memphis at the Santora, 201 N. Broadway, Santa Ana

It's Friday, so head to the Long Beach Museum of Art!

Friend: i watched the Helvetica documentary last night
Friend: RUN DMC is HELVETICA
Friend: that's why arial black was so close to it
Friend: because arial is the helvetica knockoff
Friend: and then someone was asking me about the jeep logo too
Me: NURDSPEEK.
Friend: and it took me forever to come up with a suitable substitute
Friend: HELVETICA!
Friend: AND i bought the $75 limited edition box set of the dvd
Friend: and i bought two helvetica t-shirts last night
Friend: http://www.districtlines.com/design/1821/helveticapparel
Friend: http://www.districtlines.com/design/1819/helveticapparel
Me: that first one's pretty nerdy.
Friend: i like pangrams, lol.

Remember Rebecca Schoenkopf? The Weekly's beloved, wildly popular Commie Girl? Whose column skewered the rich, mega-rich, and other idiots? Who unceremoniously bid our paper adieu in February--and who was unceremoniously booted out of the Weekly offices afterward?

You can always read her oeuvre on this website--or, better yet, buy her first book this summer. Titled Commie Girl in the OC and published by the chingón publisher of radical tomes Verso, Rebecca's book seems to be a collection of her greatest hits at the Weekly, from columns to features and other goodies. We say "seems to be" only because pages in the back of the uncorrected galley her publicist sent us promises more to come.

Congrats, Rebecca (and dig the Mike Davis love!), but just one quibble: Por favor, tweak your cover. The closest Orange County comes to a skyline like that is maybe the South Coast Metro area--but even then, it's all splayed out in accordance to old man Segerstrom's old farm and not so neat 'n' prim.

Orange County Sheriff Mike Carona--indicted by federal prosecutors for public corruption--claims that surreptitious wires worn by co-conspirator Don Haidl, a former assistant sheriff, prove his innocence.

Indeed, the sheriff's lawyer says that Carona “is so anxious to fight these charges that we have to hold him back.”

If this is true and not just shameless spin, I challenge Carona to do something in his power: play the contents of the tapes in their entirety for the public now.

Show us that FBI agents are liars, as you claim. Show us that you didn't try to get Haidl to perjure himself about bribes you took for years. Show the Orange County Republican Party that your character is pure. Show the Orange County Sheriff's Department that I've been wrong about you all these years.

Or, as I suspect, are you afraid--no, terrified--of what those tapes reveal?

We're waiting. . . .

P.S. We're familiar with your PR playbook, sheriff. Playing select portions of the tapes for a friendly OC Register reporter/columnist won't meet the challenge.

-- R. Scott Moxley / OC Weekly

Back in October, we wondered out loud what was happening to the Orange County Register's once-vaunted food section. Today, further bad news: the wine column penned by Register investigative reporter Chris Knap is no more. But in ending his 12-year run, Chris couldn't help but take a swipe at me and be the kind of lockstep groupthink that would've made Old Man Hoiles spin in his grave*.

Sometimes you get way more good quotes than you can use in a story, and such was the case with my year in horror piece in today's issue. Here in cyberspace, we have a lot more room, so enjoy these bonus interviews.

ELI ROTH, director of HOSTEL PART II

On the need for familiarity
With HALLOWEEN and SAW, people know the killer, and they know what to expect...when people go see the HALLOWEEN movies they want to see Michael Myers kill, and when they go see the SAW movies they want to see what traps Jigsaw's come up with, and they work great. I think that in times of terror, people need to be terrified, the war's not ending and people are scared. Post Virginia-Tech, there was a glut of horror movies, and people were going for SHREK and PIRATES, they wanted that feel-good stuff, but then by august, the tide had turned around and people wanted to be scared again. People are still scared, and they need a place to scream, and horror movies provide that.

Sometimes you get way more good quotes than you can use in a story, and such was the case with my year in horror piece in today's issue. Here in cyberspace, we have a lot more room, so enjoy these bonus interviews.

LUCKY MCKEE, director of MAY and THE WOODS

on the year in horror
Honestly, I didn't watch a lot of horror films this year. The more I study classic cinema, the harder it is for me to show up to the movie theater. Turner Classic Movies is a blessing to any young cinephile...A channel where you can catch things like Carl Dreyer's film DAY OF WRATH at three o' clock in the morning...Now that's a chilling film.

I must say that the scariest stuff (in terms of new films) was encapsulated in Javier Bardem's performance in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. I think it's the best on screen villian since Bill the Butcher in GANGS OF NEW YORK. I actually thought Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN was his best film to date. Each film he has made has been a huge leap from the previous film.

SINGLES NIGHT WINE TASTING, 5pm
For all those single winos!
WineStyles, 2646 Dupont Dr., Ste. C20, Irvine

LEARNING THROUGH LISTENING HOUR, 6pm
This could be your next volunteering activity. Come and learn about the mission first-hand and get the inside story of how Recording for the Blind & Dyslexic is creating a world in which every print disabled student can succeed by learning through listening.
OC Studio, 2021 E 4th St., Ste. 114, Santa Ana

New Year's Eve Cocktail Tapas, 6:30pm
Gather your friends and family and ring in the New Year in style with a grand cocktail party! It's simpler to put together than a full dinner and you'll learn how to get it all prepared in advance - a host's dream come true. We'll also share ways you can enjoy these easy party foods all season long.
Sur la Table, 832 Avocado Ave., Newport Beach

K-CI & JOJO, 8pm
Doors open at 6pm.
Grove of Anaheim, 2200 E Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 712-2700

GABRIEL IGLESIAS, 8:30pm
Iglesias’ comedy style - telling stories with characters and sound effects that bring all of his personal issues to life - has entertained audiences on numerous televisions shows and in comedy clubs all over the country.
Brea Improv, 120 South Brea Blvd., Brea

Also check out Nikka Costa and the OC Farmer's Market.

It’s the last week of 2007 inside Orange County’s Central Justice Center, and the place is dead except at each of the three public entrances. A half-dozen young bailiffs have forgotten security fears (Al-Qaeda!) but collect pay and perks while they chat happily about the electronic toys they received for Christmas. Moments later, a well-dressed, polite, non-English-speaking man stops me, displays a court document and asks me if I speak Spanish. Nope.

I scan the document he’s holding and direct him to the new DNA-collection office mentioned in his papers. He’s confused, and so, though I’m due elsewhere in the courthouse, I walk him to the second-floor DNA office, knock on the window, and watch a gray-haired man ignore us for 10 minutes. Hey, thanks, asshole.

(There’s nothing like watching a government employee exert no energy. I’m guessing a judge ordered my paper-toting Mexican to submit his gene sample, but--hey--you, pal, were too busy DOING SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN COLLECTING AN ALLEGED CRIMINAL’S DNA.)

Anyhow, there’s a cocaine-and-cop story in the courthouse. Haven’t you heard? A veteran California Highway Patrol officer in OC apparently was dreaming of an electrifying, white Christmas. At 4 in the morning a couple of days ago, he broke into a police evidence locker in Santa Ana and stole $1 million worth of confiscated cocaine, according to prosecutors.

Wasn’t it just last year that investigators nabbed another veteran OC CHP officer for allegedly trying to screw a 12-year-old girl in Laguna Beach?

Cop crime cases often lure me to the courthouse because they’re fascinating. Okay, I also anticipate that DA spokesperson Susan Kang Schroeder will bark official pronouncements, wear shiny new high heels and give cop-criminal lawyer John Barnett a run for his pretrial PR money.

(I wasn’t disappointed. But Frank Mickadeit of the Reg was absent--perhaps because he’d long ago choked on too many Schroeder juices. I hope not, though. OC without Frank would be like, well, Dorothy without Toto.)

So there I am on the third floor, cramming myself into C57 with seven television camera crews and reporters to see 32-year-old Joshua Blackburn (pictured without the coke), a six-year veteran of the CHP in OC. He’s a no-show. A court commissioner coldly tosses the media cameras from the courtroom (unlike what any other alleged hoodlum would experience) and allows the accused cop to appear via closed-circuit TV (unlike what any other alleged hoodlum would experience).

On the video screen, Blackburn appears wearing an orange Orange County Jail jumpsuit, his hands in his pockets (unlike what any other alleged hoodlum would be allowed to do). He looks as if he’s in line at McDonald’s. His head is cocked to the right, and he’s expressionless. The judge asks if he understands he faces three criminal charges: burglary, possession of drugs with the intent to sell and narcotics transportation. Blackburn nonchalantly says “yes,” as if simply confirming a burger order. Hold the onions.

The hearing takes just three minutes, but is sure to make the evening news.

In the back of the tiny courtroom, the cop’s wife looks miserable. Her eyes are swollen, and she looks ready to cry again. Perhaps, she is a victim. Her honey is locked away and unable to pay the $4 million bail. If convicted, he faces a potential 25-year prison sentence. My heart goes out to her.

But there’s good news, Mrs. Blackburn. Don’t sob too much. This is Orange County. Dirty cops always walk out of the courthouse with smiles. Heck, sometimes they get promoted and praised by lap dogs in my profession. Sometimes they even become sheriff.

Just make sure he wears his uniform during the trial.

-- R. Scott Moxley / OC Weekly

Jeanne Carmen, the cotton-picking country child turned B-movie queen and '50s pinup girl went gently into that good night Thursday at her Irvine home, succumbing to lymphoma. She was 77.

Carmen graced the cover of OC Weekly's Holiday Gift Issue in 1998, and former staffer Steve Lowery wrote about her in '97. Our online archives don't go back that far, but do check out later pieces by Lowery and Rebecca Schoenkopf.

The Los Angeles Times has a blip of an obit on Carmen (B9 of the California section), and the Associated Press did something as well.

While the rest of you were, I hope, getting happily drunk with friends and/or family yesterday, I was "enjoying" the two-hot-dog special at the Block (no other food places were open on Christmas at 11 p.m.), watching ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM (which I will henceforth refer to as AVP2, as the AMC's marquee did). A more conventional capsule review of the movie will appear next week in the paper (UPDATE: It's online NOW), and probably tomorrow on various Village Voice Media websites, but with the short word limits imposed by such things, it's hard to tell the fans what they really want to know. So without further ado, I give you the sci-fi nerd Q&A version, anticipating the queries of the mildly curious.

...has to be the one they ran last week asking readers what "is the most effective way to stop illegal immigration across the U.S.-Mexico border?"

Reporter Amy Taxin sure knows her audience--of the options available, none included "open the borders ala the European Union," "reform the current immigration system to encourage more legal migration" or "turn over the southwest United States already." About the closest opinion to such immigrant-friendly options was "there is no effective way to stop migration," a rather bleak assessment that only about 10 percent of Register voters agreed with. Way to be optimistic, cabrones!

BOOK GROUP, 7pm
For Fiction & Literature
Barnes & Nobles in Marina Pacifica Mall, 6326 East Pacific Coast Hwy., Long Beach

DISNEY ON ICE: PRINCESS WISHES, 7:30pm
Enter a world of wishes with your favorite Disney princesses in Disney on Ice Presents Princess Wishes.
Honda Center, 2695 E Katella Ave., Anaheim

PINK FLOYD’S THE WALL, 8pm
Any Pink Floyd fans?
Bay Theatre, 340 Main St., Seal Beach

RADIO CITY CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR, 8pm
It’s still not too late!
Segerstrom Hall at the OC Perfroming Artscenter

SPLASH WEDNESDAYS, 8:15pm
For dance lovers. Featured every Wednesday night.
Bravo Nightclub, 1490 S. Anaheim, Anaheim, (714) 533-2291

And then of course, here and here and here are a few of our other recs.

The call for fans to bring forth their own Wally George archives continues to be heeded, this time by an enterprising YouTube user named Billybopper1, who has compiled thirteen montages of Wally getting prank calls live on the air. Long before Howard Stern's penis and Baba Booey became call-in catchphrases, the best recurring phone pranks involved Wally's impotence.

It isn't clear whether Wally simply couldn't afford a call screener or didn't want one -- it's evident watching these highlights that he realized on some level it made for entertaining TV. Though it's also clear that he wasn't always on the ball -- the same group of jokesters would regularly call in using names like "Norm Peterson," "Cliff Clavin," "Frasier Crane," "Robert Plant," and "John Paul Jones," which any other host might have recognized immediately as fakes. But not our Mr. America.

Check out Volume 9 below. Then hit up YouTube for all the rest.

If there's one thing that Orange County Register editorial writer Steven Greenhut hates more than Sheriff Mike Carona, it's city-controlled urban planning, and he ripped SanTana officials a new one and then some yesterday in a piece blasting the city's much-ballyhooed Renaissance Specific Plan. Proponents say the Renaissance Plan will transform the city's downtown; opponents say the same, except use the word "gentrification." Greenhut, in one of his increasing moves to the Left, sides with the opponents and even injects race into the argument with this wonderful line:

Why aren't Santa Ana residents up in arms at an effort to gentrify the downtown, in a fairly obvious effort to replace the city's Mexican-themed atmosphere with something more in keeping with a yuppie clientele?

Where the heck is the outrage?

Steve, 'mano: have you been to a Green Party meeting lately?

My challenge to all lovers of liberty after the jump:

RADIO CITY CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR, 1pm
All the way from New York!
Segerstrom Hall located in the OC Performing Artscenter, Costa Mesa

A CHRISTMAS CAROL, 4pm
What better time to see this Christmas show than now? Perhaps tomorrow, but no show is scheduled for Christmas day.
South Coast Repertory, 655 Town Center Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 708-5500

CHRISTMAS EVE DINNER, 5-8:30pm
Enjoy a holiday inspired dinner at one of OC’s top rated restaurants.
Ambrosia Restaurant, 801 N. Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 550-0811

CHRISTMAS EVE DINNER, 5-9pm
Yes, the holidays are about eating. So, here is another dining option.
LuLu’s Crêperie Café, 24781 Alicia Pkwy., Ste. E., Laguna Hills, (949) 855-2222

NUMEROUS CHRISTMAS EVE SERVICES, all night
Take your pick. They’re all over Orange County.
Everywhere in OC:
Here, here, here & here are just a few...

Also, check out Catch a Wave and the Disney area (Disneyland closed? Never!) if you're in need of some entertainment.

Heard about Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney's claim that his father marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. during the 1960s?

The Boston Phoenix rips apart that claim nicely, then Hugh Hewitt tries to provide cover for his book boy--but it's just not enough.

We couldn't believe it ourselves, but proof arrived in our offices today and it appears that embattled Capistrano Unified School District trustees Sheila Benecke and Marlene Draper have joined indicted ex-superintendent James Fleming in the North Pole!

Although the two trustees -- who are the subject of a recall campaign -- have not formally resigned, it appears they will be skipping town over the holidays and putting in a little extra volunteer time with Santa.

See the crew at work here!

For the naughty back story, see here and here.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

I'll be seeing ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM on the 25th, but in the meantime, we have a real gem opening today...

ROMANCE AND CIGARETTES

It's been on the shelf for almost three years – lost in the shuffle when MGM was sold to Sony – but don't let that scare you.

It's a musical – but try not to let that scare you either. I'll admit I'm not the biggest fan of musicals; like many a straight guy, I learned to appreciate the form primarily from Trey Parker. Comedies that are already inherently absurd make more sense with musical numbers, as do Disney fantasies – it's when a movie is serious and musical that it's harder for me to like. CHICAGO, let's face it, was a gay man's conception of what a straight guy ought to find sexy. RENT I'm not gonna touch. HAIRSPRAY – totally not my thing. For me, musicals work on stage in a way that they can't onscreen, because the experience is akin to a live concert, and concerts don't generally translate well to the big screen either.

You love 'em, so here it is and it's going on right now: WESC (We Are the Superlative Conspiracy) is hosting their very first Orange County warehouse sale.

With stores in Tokyo, Beverly Hills, München and New York, there aren't any outlets within our area that exclusively offer WESC clothing and accessories—you're lucky if you find anything beyond a couple of T-shirts at most places, actually.

Founded in 1999, WESC is one of Sweden's most popular brands, and it's just starting to trickle into the United States, competing with our already abundant array of fashionable sports/action labels. WESC is known for sponsoring celebrities, or WeActivists, like Peter Stormare, Chad Robertson, Jerry Hsu, Millencolin and Mikael Persbrandt. Two weactivists, Jason Lee (BANKY!) and Chris Pastras, will also be holding a meet & greet on Saturday at the sale.

More info on huge discounts on denim, jackets, sweaters, dresses, hoodies, leather accessories and much more after the jump.

The publicists for STEEP seemed rather anxious for me to write about it, though I'm not entirely sure why – it's not my kind of film at all. I offer that as a caveat, in anticipation of those who will tell me that I just don't get it, because in some ways, I don't. I find it amusing that once upon a time, somebody said to him or herself “Hmmm, you know what would be fun? Strapping thin planks of wood to my feet and pushing myself through the snow with a pair of branding irons!” And then lots of other people liked the idea: presto, skiing. To STEEP's great credit, the movie actually brings up this very point pretty early on, but that's close to being as deep as it gets.

Well, there went the year! OK, there's a little over a week left, but that's going to zip by. This Grinch says good riddance, but not before looking back at all that went down one last time.

Check out OC Weekly's Year in Photos by clicking the image below:

While you're at it, flip through the Top 20 Live Shows we snuck into:

And if you're still scratching your head over gift ideas, view 25 Toys for those 25 and Older:

THE NUTCRACKER, 7pm
A Christmas classic!
Golden West College Mainstage Theater, 15744 Golden West St., Huntington Beach

1940s RADIO HOUR: A HOLIDAY MUSICAL, 7:30pm
For big band fans.
Rose Center Theater, 14140 All American Way, Westminster

LA POSADA MAGICA, 7:45pm
Performed in English with a Latin beat, this enchanting musical play for the entire family is about a young girl who joins her neighborhood posada on Christmas Eve.
South Coast Repertory, 655 Town Center Dr., Costa Mesa

A GALLERY FAMILY CHRISTMAS, 8pm
A musical-comedy holiday celebration.
The Gallery Theatre, 3152 East La Palma, Ste. G, Anaheim

THE EIGHT: REINDEER MONOLOGUES, 10:30pm
Back again for another round of holiday mayhem, our favorite team of reindeer still have plenty to say! Accusations, rumors and all-out attacks are flying fast and furious around Santa's toyshop this holiday season.
The Chance Theater, 5552 E. La Palma Ave., Anaheim Hills

We here in Orange County are so jaded by the Crystal Cathedral's Glory of Christmas spectacular that we frequently forget how stupendous the production is. Leave it to the holy geniuses over at the Wittenburg Door to remind us of our jewel. Under the title, "And They Laid Him in a Manger, Somewhere Out By John Wayne Airport," writer Becky Garrison said The Glory of Christmas can "best be described as a combination Joel Osteen/Andrew Lloyd Weber/Branson, Missouri spectacle of the first two chapters of Luke as they would have been envisioned by Aimee Semple Macpherson if she'd known about special effects." The rest of the piece similarly features bon mots, but the topper is this one:

Since I’ve actually been to Bethlehem, I have photos proving that the place where Jesus was allegedly born aren't actually painted Barney-the-Dinosaur purple, but let's not tell anyone in Orange County, all right?

And lest ustedes think the Wittenburg Door is some snarky rag ala the Weekly, read this.

Costa Mesa resident Lori McDonald's odd taste in holiday decorations may be getting her into trouble with the city and her neighbors, but after she described them to us we had to get a look.

McDonald's huge 1971 Cadillac Hearse, painted "Plum Crazy" purple has raised the ire of some of her uppity neighbors and the parking ticket-mad Costa Mesa Police Department. According to McDonald, the parking police have been on her case because of an ordinance that says vehicles must be moved every 72 hours, except in permit neighborhoods. So every couple days she has to go out and move the car, but then returns it to the street parking spot in front of her house.

"It's part of my display," she argues.

Behind the wheel of the hearse sits a Bill Clinton dummy. Sponge Bob and Shrek ride shotgun. Pretty sure there is a political statement here, though not entirely certain what it is. There's also a decapitated Governator in the back seat.

The final puzzle piece to this politically nebulous statement is an eight-foot tall motion activated statue of George Bush holding a skunk and peering over a front-yard fence. When the statue detects movement and comes to life, he sounds more like Tony Blair. Turns out the statue was actually a butler that was once placed out front a grocery store.

View Janine Kahn's slideshow and judge for yourself whether McDonald's whiny neighbors or the Costa Mesa ticket patrol is in the right. Would you want this stuff next door?

SOUTH COAST HANDBELL ENSEMBLE: YULETIDE CELEBRATION, 7pm
This is a memorable, sing-along, family-time event that features a 5+ octave group and is composed of some of the finest ringers committed to the art of making music through hand bells.
Bowers Museum, 2002 N Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 567-3600

SUGARCULT, 7:30pm
Donate a new toy for Toys for Tots at the 12/20 show and get a free Sugarcult gift bag at the merchandise table.
House of Blues Anaheim, 1530 S. Disneyland Dr., Anaheim

3 BLONDE MOMS, 8:30pm
If you have a family, know a family, or want a family, this is the show for you!
Brea Improv, 120 South Brea Blvd., Brea

WESTIE NIGHT, 8:30pm
Enjoy this West Coast Swing Dance Party, which is featured every Thursday.
Atomic Ballroom, 17961 Sky Park Circle, Ste. C, Irvine

BOBBY LEE SLANTED COMEDY, 10:30pm
Second comedy option for the night!
Irvine Improv located in the Irvine Spectrum

In this week's episode, cougar Quinn has planned her golf pro boyfriend Billy’s birthday party and, no, her 26-year old back-up boyfriend is not invited.

The party is going along nicely and Quinn is trying really hard to be cute and charming to impress Billy’s friends. But things don’t really work out in that department. You can tell that they are taking a turn for the worse when Billy raises a toast, “Cheers for putting up with me for all these years!” he says. “Yeah I don’t know how you guys did it!” Quinn jokes. No one laughs.

Awkward.

Things get a bit worse from there. Billy is a bit of an asshole. He likes to correct her grammar because he thinks he is smarter than she is. This causes Quinn to not only look unfunny but stupid. She is really striking out.

But she pulls it together for one last-ditch effort to show Billy’s friends that she cares. She stands and announces that she really likes Billy and that she is happy to be amongst the company. Nice gesture right? I guess not. Billy seems a bit squeamish and his friends all look confused by this. I wonder if they know about the 26-year-old.

It was only a month ago that we wrote about Jim "The Poorman" Trenton's triumphant return to KDOC, and at that time, the station seemed very happy to have him back.

Not for long. Poorman's Bikini Beach has been taken off the air, in what appears to be a dispute over some of his advertisers. In response to an emailed query by the Weekly, KDOC's Bert Ellis wrote "Jim never tried to go mainstream with his show or his advertising. He did not grow with the opportunity." Poorman claims his contract was not honored.

But fear not, bikini fans, the Poorman assures us that the show has a new network lined up...KRCA Channel 62, a Spanish-language station that's home to such shows as Que Buena TV, Don Cheto, and Jose Luis Sin Censura.

However, don't expect Poorman en espanol -- his will be the only English-language program on the network, beginning January 28th.

Not that anyone ever watched his shows for the sparkling dialogue anyway.

(more on this story as it develops...)

UPDATE: KDOC says Poorman wasn't fired, merely that his show wasn't renewed.

Back in October, I mentioned a conversation I had had with KDOC head honcho Bert Ellis, who wanted to get the word out to fans that a lot of the old Wally George archives were missing.

Well, some kind soul managed to get hold of the old 12" E.P. "Wal-ly, Wal-ly," on which Wally, ahem, "sings," and put recordings of it up on a Myspace page for all to hear. The anonymous benefactor claims he'll soon be adding tracks from Wally's full-length album, "Wally George Sings the Rock Hits."

Music lovers might want to cover their ears, but fans of pop-culture cheese have to check these out. It probably isn't too surprising that the "Wally Rap" isn't rap at all, just a cheesy faux-scratch track backing up Wally as he yells things like, "Today's heavy metal musicians are drug-crazed, devil-worshipping maniacs!" Ah, for the days when metal seemed like it could destroy civilization.

Wally actually sort-of raps on "Wally Wally," a brilliantly bad parody of "Louie Louie" with lyrics like "Now I'm the man/On your TV/Exposing the liberal/Con-spir-acy/Better dead than red/that's my lifelong cry/so I get 'em on the hotseat and watch them fry!"

Occupying a middle ground is "Say Wally," on which an interviewer asks him questions like , "Say Wally, what do you think about the gays?" ("I say God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!") or "Say Wally, what do you think of Walter Mondale?" ("Walter the wimp reminds me of the Goodyear blimp!").

The EP closes with "America Why I Love Her," in which the usually negative Wally finds something nice to say about each of the 50 states -- of Hawaii, he asks "Does the word 'aloha' make you feel warm?" [this may be a John Wayne cover -- see post immediately below!]

You probably won't be seeing a CD rerelease any time soon, and until Bill O'Reilly decides to record some kids' songs, it's hard to imagine any of Wally's spiritual descendants doing anything this amazing.

Newsmax.com is the Fred Thompson of conservative websites--not as loony as WorldNetDaily, not as shrill as OC's own Hugh Hewitt, but nevertheless wacky. And if you can't tell by the boring stories on their website, just look at what they're offering people who subscribe to Newsmax Magazine: a free copy of John Wayne's infamous America, Why I Love Her.

"It was during the dark days of Watergate and the final, unsettling days of the Vietnam War, when actor John Wayne decided to speak out," a Newsmax.com hack excitedly wrote. "In America, Why I Love Her, John Wayne explained in a special recording why America – and Americans - are special and why this country must remain a great nation."

Never heard of this masterpiece? Oh, you're definitely missing out on the greatest Orange County album ever.