Long Bitch

Long Beach was voted a top city again. And no, this time its not because the city has the dirtiest water in the state, you cynical bastards. It's because Long Beach has the unhappiest women in the country! Hooray!

According to Self Magazine's December issue, which hits stands today, Los Angeles-Long Beach has the lowest score in the happiness category. Leaving resident females with a distinct sense of pride. After they take their Lexapro of course.

LB-LA landed the top spot after facing tough competition from the runner-up cities of Bakersfield, Gary, Ind., Stockton-Lodi and Riverside-San Bernardino. I always knew those ladies in the Stockton-Lodi area seemed a little too happy. What with their whistling while they work and all.

Los Angeles-Long Beach also ranked at the top of Self's list for poorest air quality. Ahem. Cough. Excuse me.

Meanwhile, their neighbor to the south, Orange County, was listed as having the country's fittest women—even though they are above average drinkers. In yo face moody bitches!

Detroit, on the other hand, ranked as the city with the most STDs. So please, Long Beach ladies, don't go running from your unhappiness and poor air and water quality into the arms of a man in Detroit. Unless you bring protection.

Read the study for yourself complete with interactive map here.