Science vs. Monday Morning

A report arrives from the cutting edge of science, where wonders never cease.  The cutting edge is currently in Durham, North Carolina, and Dr. Robert Bohannon is busy honing it.

Dr. Bohannon, according to the Associated Press, is a "molecular scientist" (the sort of impressive yet vague job title characters in '50's sci-fi movies often have), who has turned his scientific genius to the task of fusing the molecules of coffee and doughnuts into one tasty treat.  That's right:  he's created caffeinated doughnuts.

Reports the AP:

Bohannon says he's developed a way to add caffeine to baked goods, without the bitter taste of caffeine. Each piece of pastry is the equivalent of about two cups of coffee

While the product is not on the market yet, Bohannon has approached some heavyweight companies, including Krispy Kreme, Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks about carrying it.

The deal with Krispy Kreme may not be done yet, but Bohannon has already done the one thing every scientist interested in improving mankind's lot needs to do-- he's hired lawyers.  Bohannon has patented his pastry caffeination  process and trademarked the names "Buzz Donuts" and "Buzzed Bagels."

While most newspapers are just running with the brief AP account and leaving their readers to ponder that great question first posed by Homer Simpson-- "Donuts.  Is there anything they can't do?"-- the buzzkills at the San Francisco Chronicle have taken a different approach.  This morning's Chron features an anti-caffeinated doughnut, pro-health editorial.  It begins "Is it possible to find a more unhealthy choice for breakfast than a doughnut?" and ends "It's enough to make one lunge for the healthy option of a bowl of fresh fruit."

I don't understand the Chron's objection.  According to an endless parade of conservative opinion-merchants hawking their well-worn goods on TV and in newspapers, San Francisco welcomes every unnatural practice imaginable.  And what could be more unnatural than a caffeinated doughnut?